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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Kids away with grandparents... help??

577 replies

AH71 · 05/04/2021 16:48

I have a 13 month old and a 2 month old, and my parents are wanting to take them away this summer. They have asked if taking them away for a few days is ok, and all we asked was that they went over a weekend.
This is so that if either of the kids are not ok, poorly or otherwise, we can travel instantly to get there and be with them, whereas during the week due to work we will not be able to do this.
They are saying they can only go away during the week for 4 nights, meaning we couldn’t get to the kids if needed.
My parents think I’m being unfair and that I don’t trust them. I have tried to help them find another accommodation option so that they can still take the kids but work with our choices too but they are refusing and are willing to go without the kids rather than consider another option, then telling us the kids are missing out because of us.
I have explained that when they are older and can actually talk and tell us if anything is wrong, or they are not feeling well, they can take them further away for longer periods, it’s just peace of mind for us while neither can talk and communicate problems properly.
Am I right for having a say on when they can go? Especially with the kids being the ages they are and it being their first time away from us without being down the road?
Do I have a valid reason to want to be able to get there if we are needed?
Or are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:

harknesswitch · 05/04/2021 21:53

I think it's too young. I'd bite their hand off for an overnight stay, or a day, but taking them away for 4 nights at that age would be a no no.

sotiredofthislonelylife · 05/04/2021 21:56

[quote Lollypop701]@sotiredofthislonelylife but as a grandparent you should be second... mum and dad and what they want to do for their children is first. Grandparents are amazing, much welcome support and a loving part of family. People I am privileged to have in my children’s life and my kids love both lots of grandparents. But my mum and dad had me, they chose how to parent and I had a great childhood. I have my kids, I will choose how to parent and so on. It’s about respect... ops parents need to learn this is mutual, as their child is now an adult.

Op, it’s your choice, whatever you want is fine. put the boundaries in place, stick with it and hopefully your parents will recognise you as an adult. If you give in now it won’t get any better. Good luck[/quote]
Nowhere did I say my wishes came first!

My offspring were thrilled to be able to have time off with their spouses, knowing that their children were well taken care of. In fact, when there was a serious health issue with one of the adults, the fact that the children were happy and comfortable staying with us, made a dreadful time more manageable for everyone.

I have certainly known other families thrown into turmoil when little ones will only have mummy and daddy put them to bed etc and then they are traumatised when unforeseen circumstances suddenly mean this cannot happen.

My own MIL was amazing with my children, and this was a real life-saver at times.

I have been fortunate to be viewed in exactly the same way - a valuable part of my GC’s lives right from the start.

shouldistop · 05/04/2021 22:12

I have been fortunate to be viewed in exactly the same way - a valuable part of my GC’s lives right from the start.

You can be a valuable part of GC lives without taking a tiny baby away on holiday though.

emmylousings · 05/04/2021 22:14

No way, it's totally up to you, don't feel pressured at all, you are right. The DCs are way too young and you wouldn't enjoy it at all. You are going to need to lay down your markers because they sound s bit odd, as you can see from the majority opinion on here.

Fieldsofstars · 05/04/2021 22:21

No I wouldn’t allow this. Going away with such small children is stressful.

memberofthewedding · 05/04/2021 22:47

Your parents seem very entitled. Time to put them back in their box.

Hesma · 05/04/2021 23:08

I think your kids are too young and grandparents will find it harder than expected with night feeds and broken sleep. I’d wait until they’re older personally for all your sakes

Ohdobequiet · 05/04/2021 23:30

Boundaries get very blurred in these kinds of situations. They’re doing you a huge favour elsewhere tho.
Take it easy, you’ve had two babies really close together and one only a wee while ago!

cookiecreampie · 06/04/2021 08:05

No, they are both far too young.

cuteglasses · 06/04/2021 08:11

They are far too little! I wouldn't have this at all

TechnoDino · 06/04/2021 08:28

If you let your parents co-parent your children (2 nights a week from 2 weeks old just so you and your partner can work fairly normal hours) is crazy) then you are handing your prents power, and their control will escalate.

diddl · 06/04/2021 09:26

From GPs pov they regularly have them 2 nights a week so obviously don't see the other couple of nights as a problem.

But not listening to/appreciating Op's concerns isn't on.

I can understand why they feel annoyed though-good enough to provide childcare when needed but not to take the kids just a couple of hrs away?

I'm wondering why you agreed at all to the kids going away in the Summer though Op-did you feel that you had to?

Original poster

AH71 · 06/04/2021 09:29

@diddl

From GPs pov they regularly have them 2 nights a week so obviously don't see the other couple of nights as a problem.

But not listening to/appreciating Op's concerns isn't on.

I can understand why they feel annoyed though-good enough to provide childcare when needed but not to take the kids just a couple of hrs away?

I'm wondering why you agreed at all to the kids going away in the Summer though Op-did you feel that you had to?

Not at all, my main issue is not being able to get to them as I've explained already, when working I can't do that so easily if I'm needed

OP posts:

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 06/04/2021 09:38

At those ages my max would have been 1 night locally for the older one and no overnights for the tiny one at all.

RevolvingPivot · 06/04/2021 10:07

Some grandparents are like second parents. Mine ask to stop over. Nothing to do with work or childcare. I hated stopping over at mine though.

RevolvingPivot · 06/04/2021 10:19

@SprungisSpringYaY

I'm sure it's been said 100 times before but I don't like gp pushing this and not picking up on your discomfort..

It's red flag sign for me...

I don't like people like this and I'd never do this my dc.. I'd let them know I would be happy to and they must call me if they need a break etc...don't struggle alone.. But I'd never ever push push push never

Why can't they take no for an answer and why this need to take them alone??

I'm curious whether you think this is also showings signs of a red flag....

Mine are 8 and 10. My brother and sister in law told the kids in front of me they are going camping and the kids are going. Eldest said she didn't want too (she's lazy doesn't like walking / likes to play computer games / would stay in her room all day if she could) they told her she is and has no choice. They do know that once she's there are will enjoy it. I love abs trust them 100% they stayed over at mine when dd1 was days old due to husband being away.

Would you be concerned by that? I'm not comparing it to the op as to be honest the kids are so young they wouldn't even notice they had been away. Plus I'd miss them.

Lassolarry1980 · 06/04/2021 10:24

@RevolvingPivot

Would I be pissed odd with relatives telling my child that they were going camping with them - before running by me first?

Hell. Yes.

Lassolarry1980 · 06/04/2021 10:24

“Off”

TheNugLife · 06/04/2021 10:24

To be honest a lot of posters seem to miss out on the fact you're already comfortable with them having the little ones overnight, as they currently do this regularly. So those posting 'I wouldn't leave a baby overnight with grandparents' aren't overly helpful to this issue.

I can maybe see where your parents are coming from, you expect them to help out with the dog work but not get any of the nice time as well. You have invited them into your parenting decisions by needing them so much and giving them quite a lot of responsibility for the children so I also don't see how its unreasonable for them to push on this.

In the end though you are the parent and your view is the one which needs to be adhered to, however do consider the fall out from this.

On a side note these threads always bring out the OTT bunch, and I must say it never fails to baffle me how over the top some parents are about overnight stays, poor children not able to spend a night with nanny until 5 or 6!

Lassolarry1980 · 06/04/2021 10:32

* so I also don't see how its unreasonable for them to push on this. *

In the end though you are the parent and your view is the one which needs to be adhered to,

Complete contradiction

TheNugLife · 06/04/2021 10:42

@Lassolarry1980

* so I also don't see how its unreasonable for them to push on this. *

In the end though you are the parent and your view is the one which needs to be adhered to,

Complete contradiction

Its really not. It isn't unreasonable for them to push and request what they like. however at the end of the day the OP is the parent and their wish will have to be the end result.

You may need to google word before using them in future.

Lassolarry1980 · 06/04/2021 10:46

But if you say ultimate decision is with parent

Then it is unreasonable to “push”.

The OP said for a weekend. That was her “decision”. But they still pushed.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/04/2021 10:51

poor children not able to spend a night with nanny until 5 or 6!

What?

Norwaydidnthappen · 06/04/2021 10:52

They’re too young to go imo. Maybe I’m too over protective but I was still nursing mine at 13 months and definitely at 2 months, they’re absolutely tiny and still will be during the summer.

Abouttimemum · 06/04/2021 10:57

I think if you’re not comfortable then it doesn’t happen, it’s as simple as that really.
DS is 2 and I wouldn’t want him away from me for any more than 1 night at the moment.
That’s my choice. But then my parents wouldn’t be so pushy!

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