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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids away with grandparents... help??

577 replies

AH71 · 05/04/2021 16:48

I have a 13 month old and a 2 month old, and my parents are wanting to take them away this summer. They have asked if taking them away for a few days is ok, and all we asked was that they went over a weekend.
This is so that if either of the kids are not ok, poorly or otherwise, we can travel instantly to get there and be with them, whereas during the week due to work we will not be able to do this.
They are saying they can only go away during the week for 4 nights, meaning we couldn’t get to the kids if needed.
My parents think I’m being unfair and that I don’t trust them. I have tried to help them find another accommodation option so that they can still take the kids but work with our choices too but they are refusing and are willing to go without the kids rather than consider another option, then telling us the kids are missing out because of us.
I have explained that when they are older and can actually talk and tell us if anything is wrong, or they are not feeling well, they can take them further away for longer periods, it’s just peace of mind for us while neither can talk and communicate problems properly.
Am I right for having a say on when they can go? Especially with the kids being the ages they are and it being their first time away from us without being down the road?
Do I have a valid reason to want to be able to get there if we are needed?
Or are we being unreasonable?

OP posts:
SprungisSpringYaY · 05/04/2021 20:30

I'm sure it's been said 100 times before but I don't like gp pushing this and not picking up on your discomfort..

It's red flag sign for me...

I don't like people like this and I'd never do this my dc.. I'd let them know I would be happy to and they must call me if they need a break etc...don't struggle alone.. But I'd never ever push push push never

Why can't they take no for an answer and why this need to take them alone??

Lollypop701 · 05/04/2021 20:37

@sotiredofthislonelylife but as a grandparent you should be second... mum and dad and what they want to do for their children is first. Grandparents are amazing, much welcome support and a loving part of family. People I am privileged to have in my children’s life and my kids love both lots of grandparents. But my mum and dad had me, they chose how to parent and I had a great childhood. I have my kids, I will choose how to parent and so on. It’s about respect... ops parents need to learn this is mutual, as their child is now an adult.

Op, it’s your choice, whatever you want is fine. put the boundaries in place, stick with it and hopefully your parents will recognise you as an adult. If you give in now it won’t get any better. Good luck

SprungisSpringYaY · 05/04/2021 20:40

So tired..

I absolutely loved and trusted my dm because she put others first not herself, so there is the first reason why she would have had them..

I also trusted df but he was too infirm to watch them.

What made me trust them was also a two way ability to say.. Blah needs blah and they took that on board instead of saying.. I raised four children...

Unfortunately most mils I read about on here or infact difficult parents are the ones who don't listen, get irate or take it personally if asked to do, or not to do something.. And cross boundaries and are rude and usually don't respect their dils.
Mine have been an absolute lesson in what not to do.

SprungisSpringYaY · 05/04/2021 20:41

Being part of anyone's life should never be taken for granted at all.. Its always a privilege, and one that can be withdrawn.

Toptotoeunicolour · 05/04/2021 20:41

Absolutely no way.

lioncitygirl · 05/04/2021 20:42

Bit young!

Oldbutstillgotit · 05/04/2021 20:42

ThrowingAShellstrop

Absolutely nonsense . I am 65+ , was encouraged to go to University, encouraged to pursue a career , worked for 40+ years - mainly f/ time - because I had to.

F1rstt1imer · 05/04/2021 20:44

Absolutely no way that I’d let my two stay away this long and they are 2.5yr and 3 months. I’ve only been away from my 2.5yr old for 1 night and that’s when I gave birth to her brother!

billy1966 · 05/04/2021 20:49

You sound amazing OP, getting through your course with two pregnancies.

Your parents sound demanding and controlling.

Be very careful of them because the could well undermine you with your children.

I would be looking at other options in the future.
Flowers

diddl · 05/04/2021 21:02

"Regarding overnight stays, I’d be stopping those if possible. You say your classes run over bedtime, so is it like bedtime is 7pm and you get back at 8pm? If I were you I’d be telling your parents that they are baby sitting at your house and then they get their evenings back when you return,"

That does sound sensible, doesn't it?

Presumably they have the kids at theirs as it's easier for them?

Crabbypaddy · 05/04/2021 21:03

Yabu when they already care for ur kids so much can’t see what the issue is I would let
Them go

JustLyra · 05/04/2021 21:04

Stand your ground over it.

And I say that as someone whose kids have gone on holidays as far afield as Australia with grandparents, and regularly stayed with them from a young age!

The key thing with relationships where this kind of thing plays apart is that everyone is comfortable.

You are not comfortable therefore that should be the end of that. They either change it or don’t take the children.

There still needs to be a line where the grandparents know that you are the parent and you have the ultimate say. That’s where arrangements like this often fall down from what I’ve seen; the grandparents forget that the parent may be their child but they are no a child who needs to bend to their instruction.

Original poster
AH71 · 05/04/2021 21:04

It’s not about the number of days it’s the time they’re doing it. I want to be able to get there if anything does happen and if I’m working and don’t have my phone then that’s not possible, it’s their first holiday away it’s for my piece of mind

OP posts:
JustLyra · 05/04/2021 21:05

(Although I wouldn’t have an issue with the weekday or weekend part, but you do and that’s what’s important here)

Original poster
AH71 · 05/04/2021 21:07

It is easier as I have to work on group projects and assignments after the class with the materials given and it’s best to do at the time

OP posts:
Original poster
AH71 · 05/04/2021 21:07

Thank you!!

OP posts:
Dipi79 · 05/04/2021 21:08

Why is your 2 month old regularly spending a night away from you?! It's way too young.
No WAY would I be sending my babies away on overnight stays/holidays until they can communicate their needs.

JustLyra · 05/04/2021 21:08

@Dipi79

Why is your 2 month old regularly spending a night away from you?! It's way too young. No WAY would I be sending my babies away on overnight stays/holidays until they can communicate their needs.
The op has explained that several times on the thread
AlohaMolly · 05/04/2021 21:14

If it’s just the days and you’re happy with everything else, what happens if you just smile, repeat your message and refuse to move from it? Every single time - no, sorry big smile that doesn’t work for us. No, sorry, that doesn’t work for us. No, sorry, that doesn’t work for us...

Italiangreyhound · 05/04/2021 21:15

YADNBU. No way would I allow this. WAY too young.

You do not need a reason to say no, they are your kids. Your parents sound very selfish.

"I will be doing! Sometimes yes, my choices usually result in an argument because its not what they want"

They do not sound very sympathetic or understanding at all.

"then telling us the kids are missing out because of us." Not sure such a young baby would know where they were and bet your toddler would miss you more than they enjoyed being with grandparents!

Italiangreyhound · 05/04/2021 21:18

"I tried to compromise but it was just not happening, Im just standing my ground"

Keep standing it, they need to know. It's clearly not that you do not trust them, you have made your decisions and they need to respect you. Thanks

BreatheAndFocus · 05/04/2021 21:24

I tried to compromise but it was just not happening, Im just standing my ground

Ah, that was your mistake, OP. Your parents sound very controlling. Controlling people don’t see an offer of a compromise as somebody trying to meet them halfway. They see it as a sign of weakness and an invitation to push harder because, in their minds, they’ve just been shown that you’re ‘weak’.

Just say No. No, you are not taking them away. No, they are my children - you’ve had your turn raising children.

That will be much easier if you change the childcare. Personally, I wouldn’t bother about their routine being messed up if it means they’re with you more. You’ve allowed your parents to take-over (for understandable reasons) and they’re taking full advantage of this - and of you.

Detach, detach, detach! No holiday with the GPs. No overnights with the GPs. Redefine your boundaries as an adult and as a parent. I say that from experience not as a criticism of you. Step away from them a little.

GettingItOutThere · 05/04/2021 21:41

no sorry - too young to be going away without you!

bit weird yet

Original poster
AH71 · 05/04/2021 21:41

Thank you everyone!

OP posts:
notthemum · 05/04/2021 21:46

When my eldest grandchild was a newborn my Dd became very ill. Grandchild stayed with me for a couple of nights. He dad stayed at mine too.
Grandchild used to stay with me quite often at weekends. His parents were happy to allow this and i was thrilled to have him. I would not have at any point got into a row about whether he could stay or not. Obviously I loved him dearly but i was/am the support not the parent. Im afraid that quite often Grandparents forget this.