Kids away with grandparents... help??

[AH71]

I have a 13 month old and a 2 month old, and my parents are wanting to take them away this summer. They have asked if taking them away for a few days is ok, and all we asked was that they went over a weekend.
This is so that if either of the kids are not ok, poorly or otherwise, we can travel instantly to get there and be with them, whereas during the week due to work we will not be able to do this.
They are saying they can only go away during the week for 4 nights, meaning we couldn’t get to the kids if needed.
My parents think I’m being unfair and that I don’t trust them. I have tried to help them find another accommodation option so that they can still take the kids but work with our choices too but they are refusing and are willing to go without the kids rather than consider another option, then telling us the kids are missing out because of us.
I have explained that when they are older and can actually talk and tell us if anything is wrong, or they are not feeling well, they can take them further away for longer periods, it’s just peace of mind for us while neither can talk and communicate problems properly.
Am I right for having a say on when they can go? Especially with the kids being the ages they are and it being their first time away from us without being down the road?
Do I have a valid reason to want to be able to get there if we are needed?
Or are we being unreasonable?

ThrowingAShellStrop

I'm not sure what planet you are from but 20+ years ago, all of those things were already true in my socio-economic demographic. And of course my mum needed the two jobs to feed us whilst she was studying ( which was 40 years ago now, as it happens.
Without doubt there has been a big change in what age people become truly independent from their parents in the last 100 years. Every generation seems to push the boundary further. Often, this is a good thing. Sometimes it goes too far.

I would never have agreed to a break like that but your set-up is quite unusual so you’re starting from a different place to me and many of the other posters on here. You’ve done well to keep your studies going and it seems like you’ve had a lot of support from your parents to do that so they probably are more involved than many.

We’re grandparents and I think you’re eminently reasonable. I’m really surprised they want them both while they’re so young. We wouldn’t, we’d suggest we had them at your house so you could have a couple of days break.

On the occassions that your children have been in their care, how often have you had to (as in completely essentially needed to) drop what you're doing and run to their aid with your DC?

What could you be doing that if a true emergency scenario occured you wouldn't be able to drop everything to be where your DC are?

It takes a village - a mumsnet learnt phrase. The more people you allow within your support village, I believe the more rounded your DC but also the more balanced your own life can be.

Family dynamics are complex. Are there things that are done with the DC you are very uncomfortable with?

My DC are now older (10, 15 and 17). I'm struggling to think what the issues could be that wouldn't occur on three days away but would on four.

I'm a stuborn mule and can appreciate that I find it essential to be recognised as the primary care giver - sometimes the need for this recognition becomes a bit of nose and face scenario. Allowing others in means greater support but a bit of compromise.

Finding that compromise is a very personal game.

An under 2 and an infant being away at a location you can’t get to, unnecessarily- ie for the gratification of the grand parents?

No way

I'm 23 so not really

23 is young! But that doesn’t excuse your parents overstepping your boundaries. I do see why they might think you need the help though. H

You are so lucky !

Let them take the kids and if there is an emergency deal with it at that time instead of pre tempting something happening.

Enjoy your time with your hubby sans kids.

My in laws would have had DS living at theirs given half the chance. I’d never met such pushy, self centred people as them and was naturally quite submissive when I met/before I met them.

They made everything into a fight and I still hate them for it now. ‘We want to wean DS on custard,’

‘No thanks MIL, we don’t want his first food or even first six months of food to be custard.’

‘BUT WE WEANED OUR SON ON CUSTARD. HE HAD CUSTARD EVERY DAY FROM THREE MONTHS OLD AND HE’S FINE.’

‘No thank you MIL, it’s really kind of you to offer to help but no thank you.’

‘Now you’re here for Sunday dinner, we’ve made some custard for DS. You eat your meal and I’ll feed him this custard.’

‘No thank you MIL.’

And on and on until I felt forced to shout, because they were so relentless, and then they cried down the phone to DP.

They also pushed for overnight stays since around two weeks old and, honestly, I wasn’t ready. By the time I was, when DS was around 2.5, they’d pissed me off so much that I delayed till 3.5.

I wouldn’t be letting my DC go with them full stop, OP. Grandparents are nightmares if they don’t stay in their lane, and my in laws made my first year as a mum needlessly stressful.

Regarding overnight stays, I’d be stopping those if possible. You say your classes run over bedtime, so is it like bedtime is 7pm and you get back at 8pm? If I were you I’d be telling your parents that they are baby sitting at your house and then they get their evenings back when you return, unless you genuinely enjoy that night to yourself - but I’m inclined to believe that your parents pushed you into it to suit their own agenda.

pre-empting

This would be so, so, so far from what I would be comfortable with.

Just want to add, I take my hat off to you, you’re doing admirably managing two babies and keeping up with your studies. Also, I have an extremely strong bond with my grandkids and never had them overnight when they were so young. I would happily have had them if overnight care was needed. It seems like your mum thinks she’s in charge of you, your kids and your child-related decisions. Find alternative childcare if you can. It’ll be healthier for all of you in the end.

Your parents are crazy. I’d definitely not be comfortable with this but not because of the illness problem- I’d have thought it could end in a lot of tears.

I think at those ages letting the grandparents take them on holiday at all is really chilled out of you! I couldn't do it.

If you want to, it'll need to be on days that work for you all.

They are your kids, you aren't comfortable with the idea, don't allow it. I wouldn't but then neither grandparent would suggest it much as they love them!

@queenofthenorthwest

Going against the grain here but I trust my mum and dad and we have a great relationship. I'd let them.

I agree. I have lots of grandchildren, took them out, took them away, and hey ho - they all survived!! Not only that, but their parents benefitted from time alone. They were immensely grateful for our loving care of their precious children, who, amazingly, were also precious to us. It didn’t matter whether we were parents or in-laws to the ‘mummies’, they knew that we were perfectly capable of providing good, loving and responsible care. I understand that not all parents are happy with letting their children go off with grandparents, and that’s their choice. It’s just so insulting to read the number of posters who deem grandparents to be wholly incapable. However did we manage our own families?

AlohaMolly that sounds truly awful!!

I am a granny and hope I respect DD’s boundaries . I provide a lot of childcare but I always remember I am not the parent however I have Grandparent acquaintances who provide childcare and think they have certain rights .

That would be a no from me! As pp have said, much too young. My PIL asked similar - they wanted to take them for a week!!! I just said no.

Oh how I agree - the dreaded MIL........
To anyone with children, think on. You may well be a MIL in the future. Let’s see how you like being made to feel like a second class citizen.

@sotiredofthislonelylife

I completely trust my parents and they are very capable but I wouldn’t be comfortable with them taking a tiny baby away. My DC have wanted their own bed and parents at night until they were about 3 or 4. They’ve spent a lot of daytimes with grandparents.

Regarding overnight stays, I’d be stopping those if possible. You say your classes run over bedtime, so is it like bedtime is 7pm and you get back at 8pm? If I were you I’d be telling your parents that they are baby sitting at your house and then they get their evenings back when you return,

This is where I think the problem lies. Your parents are doing everything on their terms. Your incredibly young children are not benefitting from being away from you overnight. I’m surprised that as a paychology student you’re not far more aware of the stress being away from you like this may be causing your youngest in particular.

I don't see this as about not trusting GPs, or MIL bashing. OP has said as much and that's certainly not the case for me either. We're really lucky to have both sets of involved, local and lovely GPs who will have the DC for a few hours, a day, babysit in the evening etc. No way would they have wanted or expected to take them away on holiday at such a young age though. Same as everyone else I can think of. This thread is more about potentially controlling GPs trying to exert their wishes over the needs of a young family.

No way! Much too young! Can’t they just have them for a night/weekend at theirs? (It might put them off anyway 🤣)

I was a similar age when I had my first baby OP - my mum also tried to be the "mother of the family". This didn't go down well, and at one point we didn't speak for a few months. I was very lucky to not have to rely on family for childcare (either my husband or I were always home to take care of our DD, I went back to studying when she was 2 weeks old), but my mum definitely tried to be the "Alpha mum". That needs to stop, and if that stops overnights or childcare for a while, so be it.

For what it's worth, my mum apologised - it was because she saw us as children still and has definitely taken many steps back and is now an awesome grandma. However, she's only had our kids overnight maybe 2-3 times and we all know our roles and place in the family. Both my kids adore their grandparents, but their parental bond is only with us. My mum has only now suggested taking our oldest away for a week and she's 9! Wouldn't even think to ask about our toddler, but has said she'd really like to in the future when they're older. And we're all quite happy with that.

As the 2 month old already spends 1-2 nights a week at their place already, I can see why the lines are blurred and they believe they can decide where and when the kids go.

PandaFluff honestly they’ve spoiled so many things, but DS4 adores them, which I love. I just will never understand why people have to a) make everything about them and b) turn everything into a confrontation.