Am I overreacting?

[Holyhonestyjj]

DP of 7 months was angry when we were having a disagreement a few months ago, he ended up punching a wall in his house. This really shocked me & I told him never to behave like that again.

On Friday night, we were having a disagreement (nothing major) but he claims I was interrupting him & wouldn’t listen to him. We were at my house. He picked up the remote control for my tv & threw it at the wall. It smashed beyond repair. He packed his things & left. I was stunned. Next day I get a text telling me he’s sorry for breaking the control, but I wouldn’t listen, I wound him up. He said he needed to be left alone for the day.

I told him he needed to see a therapist as that behaviour isn’t normal. He’s ignored everything I said. The next day he replied saying he’s been thinking all morning what to say and is coming up blank!

Good for you OP !

A big well done from me!

Definitely not over-reacting.

Make sure to have zero contact with him from now on, because he's not about to accept any responsibility for his own actions. He will ALWAYS blame you. I expect he's blaming you right now. So don't let him anywhere near you.

Well done OP, you've done the right thing. Like others have said not normal behaviour at all and in all probability would have got worse. His lack of remorse and victim blaming outs you at risk.

If he comes back promising the world, therapy etc don't be sucked in.

Get away from this person asap OP!

He has shown you that he can’t or won’t control his violent temper. No decent adult behaves like that. And then he blamed you?!!

If you stay with him I am 100% confident that he will start to hit you, and blame you for it. Save yourself the years of grief and just quit this relationship now.

You don’t need his permission to dump him. You don’t need to give a reason.

Send him a message telling him that the relationship is over, then block him. And be aware that apparently it is very common for men like this to then go into ‘charming mode’ and try to win you back.

OP has done that @Skysblue

Red flags 🚩🚩🚩 he will likely become more aggressive and violent with you. Get rid now!

You’ve had a lucky escape there OP well done for listening to your gut and taking action.

Excellent response OP, well done!

I hope you feel better after that, please remember that strength in the weeks and months to come.

Well done. Now never give him the time of day again.

@updownroundandround

Nope, you are absolutely NOT 'over reacting' to his huge display of fucking self righteous, arrogant, projecting and gaslighting fucking behaviour !!

How dare he say utter crap like ''I'm sorry, but YOU wound me up''

He really said ''woman, know thy place! Everything that I do that YOU don't like is YOUR OWN FAULT!!''

So this 'relationship' now depends solely on your behaviour not his.

If you are 'good' and accept the blame for his fucking violent tantrum, then you may be permitted to continue seeing him

But if you are 'bad' and refuse to accept that YOU were responsible for HIS violence then he'll do it again and again, in ever increasing bouts..................

There is no future with him at all, regardless of any 'promises' to 'get help' , because he's ALREADY TOLD YOU, IT WAS YOUR FUCKING FAULT !!!!

Dump him today and do not relent, or allow him to contact you at all. Block him and refuse to engage in any 'discussion'. This is never 'acceptable, and it will never end well for you.

Love this. Thank you.

Thanks to everyone for their advice. I’m actually a really forgiving person who always sees the good in person but this is just diabolical. Blaming me for smashing my property. I’ve had to go out of my way to purchase a new control! £14.50 the cheeky fker has cost me! But what a cheap price to learn such a valuable lesson. Perhaps I should have walked away at the wall punch but he had a great ability to make everything my fault. Funny thing is, what actually made him flip was I had paid for center parcs for his 30th birthday in a few weeks time & asked if he wanted to invite his parents (same bubble) as the lodge has an extra room. I told him I needed to know ASAP, I heard him say on the phone “ok let me know... no rush” twice. So that’s what I questioned him over. God forbid 😂 I’ve cancelled center parcs now so will be treating myself to something nice with the refund 🙂 my friend says he thinks I’m soft and weak and will likely unblock him as he will think I won’t let center parcs go go waste... he’s in for a shock.

He hasn’t got keys for my house and I highly doubt he will contact me again anyways as my message was quite powerful. How pathetic acting like Kim jong-un behaving like that. I’d be mortified if I damaged someone’s property, but the poor soul needed to be left alone lol.

Thanks for all the replies I kind of just needed you lot to validate me to be honest. Think I’ve been the victim of gaslighting as I was thinking wow I shouldn’t have interrupted him, I’m a bad person. NO, I AM NOT! 🙂✨

[quote KatharinaRosalie]This has more red flags than Communist Party general assembly.

Several aggressive acts and it's your fault that you made him do it.
Can you find other things you recognize? counsellingresource.com/therapy/self-help/loser/[/quote]
Can’t see any other things except from “The Loser” never, repeat never, takes personal responsibility for their behavior — it’s always the fault of someone else.”

I think he’s just an angry self centred man who can’t deal with someone challenging him or having a different opinion. This will be a cycle for him I think. He told me his ex gf and him argued weekly, he said she was always at fault and could have an argument with herself in an empty room... yeah I bet

@Holyhonestyjj I hope you really meant what you said in your text and that you've ended this sham of a relationship for GOOD! You've said you're a forgiving person and this trait often goes hand in hand with being easy going, letting things go (that others wouldn't) and always choosing a persons 1 good point out of 10 to focus on rather than their 9 out of 10 bad points. Your controlling and violent partner has taken advantage of your good nature and has frightened you.

Be careful not to be persuaded by him to change your mind as these type of men can be very convincing with words and then showering their 'victim' with romantic presents and gestures... They're also prone to mind games.

It's very easy to get caught in a repetitive cycle of violent outbursts, door slamming, packing bags, leaving, begging texts, getting back together and over and over the cycle continues again and again... Sometimes when they do apologise their bad behaviour will be put down to some sort of (made up btw) past trauma in their lives to justify it. DO NOT fall for this as it's a known trick where you will end up feeling empathy for him... You know in your heart that his violence will only escalate to physical DV with you and please don't end up another statistic.

Do you really know much about him? Is he secretive? What's he like with his family? Do they get on? These type of men often fit a pattern of falling out with friends / family / colleagues, holding grudges with people and just fraught relationships with everyone in general... Has he said much about past ex gf's or blamed them?

Regardless of any of this though DO NOT unblock - move on!

@CityCommuter - yes you’re right. I’ve concentrated on the nice things he’s done, like taking me somewhere nice for my birthday, doing fun things with me at the beginning of the relationship. He said the reason he reacted the way he did with me was because his ex gf was always arguing with him and she was controlling. He claims when I challenge/question him he thinks it’s like that all over again. He said she was to blame for the arguments and he hates arguing ... but rich really from someone who can’t tolerate questioning. I wonder if there was a personality clash as I can be quite direct with how I say things, but I can’t live my life tip toeing or wording things differently in case I “trigger” him.

He’s not secretive. He gets alone with his mum very well and actually works with his dad too. He only works with his dad and 1 other person. He’s got a good set of friends too, always socialising with them.

Very strange, he told me once he can shut off his emotions easy and also acknowledged he’s very stubborn. He also said he struggles to see things from someone else’s point of view... I mean 🤯

There’s been instances where he’s twisted things that have been said. For example I asked him once to pick between two things, he said “you can’t compare the two”. I pressed him for an answer. He ended up blowing up & calling me a dickhead and told me to fuck off (what I’ve referred to in my text). He then dumped me the next day & said we aren’t working & I was interrupting him... silly me felt like I was in the wrong. He said “I told you I didn’t want to argue with you”, I said “how?” He replied “by saying you can’t compare the two”. Obviously that was in no way saying he didn’t want to argue (and at that point it was a debate rather than an argument) but that’s an example of how he twists things. Very strange I think he believes what he says too

His dad actually said “you know you’re not an easy person to be with” to him after he was discussing a disagreement we had. So his own dad acknowledges this about him too.

Well done OP. The positive power of Mumsnet!

I'll bet every relationship he's ever had has ended for the same reasons.