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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I overreacting?

140 replies

Holyhonestyjj · 05/04/2021 11:02

DP of 7 months was angry when we were having a disagreement a few months ago, he ended up punching a wall in his house. This really shocked me & I told him never to behave like that again.

On Friday night, we were having a disagreement (nothing major) but he claims I was interrupting him & wouldn’t listen to him. We were at my house. He picked up the remote control for my tv & threw it at the wall. It smashed beyond repair. He packed his things & left. I was stunned. Next day I get a text telling me he’s sorry for breaking the control, but I wouldn’t listen, I wound him up. He said he needed to be left alone for the day.

I told him he needed to see a therapist as that behaviour isn’t normal. He’s ignored everything I said. The next day he replied saying he’s been thinking all morning what to say and is coming up blank!

OP posts:
ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 05/04/2021 11:58

My first husband punched walls when he was mad.. Then he got mad and hit me. It’s a classic red flag, and the fact that he’s blaming you is even worse. I’d get out now while it’s still easy to do so.

category12 · 05/04/2021 11:58

Dump him - he's no good.

updownroundandround · 05/04/2021 11:58

Nope, you are absolutely NOT 'over reacting' to his huge display of fucking self righteous, arrogant, projecting and gaslighting fucking behaviour !! Angry

How dare he say utter crap like ''I'm sorry, but YOU wound me up''

He really said ''woman, know thy place! Everything that I do that YOU don't like is YOUR OWN FAULT!!''

So this 'relationship' now depends solely on your behaviour not his.

If you are 'good' and accept the blame for his fucking violent tantrum, then you may be permitted to continue seeing him Hmm

But if you are 'bad' and refuse to accept that YOU were responsible for HIS violence then he'll do it again and again, in ever increasing bouts..................Sad

There is no future with him at all, regardless of any 'promises' to 'get help' Hmm, because he's ALREADY TOLD YOU, IT WAS YOUR FUCKING FAULT !!!!

Dump him today and do not relent, or allow him to contact you at all. Block him and refuse to engage in any 'discussion'. This is never 'acceptable, and it will never end well for you.

Notapheasantplucker · 05/04/2021 11:59

Dump the sack of shit. He's shown his true colours, this is who he is and it won't change.

diddl · 05/04/2021 12:02

I'm curious as to why you stayed after he punched a hole in the wall?

Radio4Rocks · 05/04/2021 12:03

Just get rid, OP. He's aggressive and violent. No one needs that in their life.

Thatwentbadly · 05/04/2021 12:04

@Laserbird16

Sounds a bit like you're underreacting.

I'd never see him again

This! In 7 months he has;
  1. punched a hole in the wall
  2. thrown your remote at the wall and broken it
  3. blamed his violent behaviour on you

It’s an mn classic because it’s true, when someone tells you who they are listen. This man is violent and controlling and his behaviour is getting worse. You’re worth so much more than this.

Mummyratbag · 05/04/2021 12:05

It won't get easier to leave and he won't get less violent.

These are not red flags as he is already abusive and violent.

Please, please, please walk away now and do not look back.

katy1213 · 05/04/2021 12:05

Cut your losses and dump him now. Don't wait for the split lip - the broken nose - the financial pressure to stay because you have children. He's a nasty piece of work and you don't need him in your life.

Member984815 · 05/04/2021 12:05

I wouldn't see him again after that , he can't control his temper

Ninibest · 05/04/2021 12:07

Leave him as soon as you can, you will never change him. This is the first sign of an abuser

fruitbrewhaha · 05/04/2021 12:09

Well thank goodness you have found out what he is like now before you live together, have children etc.

You can move on safely in the knowledge that this is a relationship that is definitely not going to work.

He has nothing to say because there is nothing he can say after that. I hope you have already given him his marching orders.

Rillington · 05/04/2021 12:09

The next time it could be your head bouncing off a wall. Dump the prick.

TheWaif · 05/04/2021 12:11

I agree you're under reacting. What is there to discuss at this point?

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 05/04/2021 12:13

Agreeing with every PP who has advised you to learn from what he's done and stop this relationship.

He's only testing the waters now - it would get far, far worse.

bloodyhell19 · 05/04/2021 12:13

Eh... Dump, block & delete - what else are you waiting for? What more do you need to bin him? That is already an escalation in violence in a short space of time and he will only get worse.

SunIsComing · 05/04/2021 12:14

Yabu for not dumping it already. Seriously, what is wrong with you. No one deserves an idiot like that.

Justri · 05/04/2021 12:15

It might be you that he hits the third time...you need to end the relationship

Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow · 05/04/2021 12:15

Please let him stay gone.

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 05/04/2021 12:16

This man uses violence to control you.

He will hit you if you stay with him.

When someone shows you who they are...

LondonJax · 05/04/2021 12:16

People get 'wound up' all the time and don't punch walls or throw things. If he's doing that, he's out of control and if he doesn't get his own way he'll start punching or throwing other things - like you.

My ex-H was the same and I wish I'd known the cue to walk away instead of believing the 'it won't happen again' crap. It always happens again.

Anger management, as a PP said, is unlikely to work on someone who is caught in a DV loop. The issue is that anger management teaches perpetrators to walk away from things that make them angry. Which is fine if, for example, someone nicking a parking space is the trigger - you learn to forget it, find another space. But if it's because your OH 'doesn't do things your way' it gives the perpetrator the ideal phrase...'well, I was told to stay away from situations that 'wind me up' so, as the kids making noise is winding me up YOU need to take them away'. Or 'because you don't get dinner ready on time every night, that is the cause of my anger. So YOU need to get it ready, then I won't get angry'. It allows a get out.

Don't take him back. It's all BS - really. I stayed for 13 years and the thing I most remember was having my own flat and not worrying about hearing that key in the door, trying to work out his mood and getting my responses lined up so I didn't get another punch, slap or insult. Not a way to live.

nancywhitehead · 05/04/2021 12:16

"I'm sorry but you wound me up" is not an apology. It's a justification disguised as an apology.

He obviously has anger management issues and if I were you I would ask him to see a therapist or end the relationship.

TristantheTyrannosaurus · 05/04/2021 12:16

You've only been seeing him 7 months, he's a shitty boyfriend, not a partner. He's violent and you need to get rid of him NOW.

SuperPixie247 · 05/04/2021 12:19

In the next few months, it could be your face not the wall or remote. Leave while you can Flowers

MadeForThis · 05/04/2021 12:20

Get rid.