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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh cut our ds hair!

150 replies

Octopuscrazy · 05/04/2021 01:33

Aibu to be mad at my dh for cutting our sons hair? He is 2 and has gorgeous thick curls that aren't even long. My husband doesn't like them and thinks they look messy and frequently says he will cut his hair. I always say no. Today he went to his mums and cut his hair there. I feel so upset and betrayed that he would deliberately do that when he knew I wouldnt like it. It's not really about the hair, more that he knew I wouldnt like it but did it anyway. Am I overreacting?

He is otherwise lovely really and went to his mums so I could have the house to myself to study.
No covid comments please - we are in a support bubble with his mum.
Thanks.

OP posts:
Moomoolandmoomooland · 06/04/2021 06:40

I know your before photos are to prove your DH was wrong, but I personally agree with him. He has done a shit job and should have gone to the barbers. But he was right to cut the hair.

My DS has naturally curly hair as do I. At 5 YO he is not willing to partake in the the maintenance regime required to obtain curly hair that isn't scruffy, so it gets cut regularly to keep it neat. Curly hair is a PITA and if I suited cropped hair, I would do it too.

TorchesTorches · 06/04/2021 06:42

My MIL used to sneakily cut my kids hair. It drove me mad (and I think that's why she did it) it was subtle enough not to he obvious but enough to see she had done it. I tried all sorts of tactics ( directly asking her not to do it, not mentioning it etc.) It's only now that the kids are old enough to prevent that it's stopped. It was a control thing I am sure.

beginningoftheend · 06/04/2021 06:54

Looking at the before photo, your DH might have preferred it shorter - but it didn't NEED cutting as it wasn't very long anyway Confused

So he was BU for causing a pointless argument over nothing.

Do you think it was his DM who did the cutting really?

EdgedInBlue · 06/04/2021 06:56

DH wanted DS curls cut when I didn't. We ended up compromising that a professional had to do it and that professional had to keep the curls.

Lockdown DS has had a couple of brutal haircuts as I can't cut it long and the longest our clippers go is 8.

So luckily DH now agrees with me that slightly longer suits him better

MsChatterbox · 06/04/2021 07:14

Oh it was so nice... Keep focused it will grow back. I would say to your dh how would you feel if I did something behind your back you didn't want (can you think of anything he doesn't want that you do as an example?). It's done now but he does need to realise for a healthy relationship this just wouldn't be fair to continue this behaviour. I think there's an emotional attachment to LOs hair so not wanting it cut means more than wanting it cut.

DarkMatterA2Z · 06/04/2021 07:40

YANBU. It was fine. He didn't need a haircut.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 06/04/2021 08:02

It's funny how it's always so often boys hair which is "messy", "impractical", "a pain to brush" etc, and so the only solution is to cut it short.

People rarely say "my husband has been going on about how our daughter needs a haircut and today he shaved her head". Little girls are required to have long hair and all the attendant hassle of maintaining it.

But so many fathers seem to have this crazy fear that a two year old kid somehow doesn't look manly enough. It's bizarre.

AmyLou100 · 06/04/2021 08:08

Honestly can't see that much of a difference from before and after. But why does he need your consent and permission. He did it away from you because he knew you wouldn't agree but Why do you get to be the decider here?
I don't think he did anything wrong.

gannett · 06/04/2021 08:29

Both of you seem a little overinvested in the length of your son's hair and there are a couple of small alarm bells ringing about your preferences.

When your DS is older and decides for himself what hair he wants... are you going to weep and wring your hands if he opts for a buzzcut, or some punky trend you deem ugly?

Or if he opts for long hair is your DH going to get in his feelings because it doesn't look "manly" enough?

Neither of those reactions would be good but I'm getting the sense that both might be the case.

MolotovMocktail · 06/04/2021 08:43

YANBU OP. Your son has gorgeous hair, I’d be pissed off too. I don’t understand why so many people are obsessed with boys having short hair and not “looking like girls”. They look lovely with longer hair, especially when its curly.

Quincie · 06/04/2021 08:49

It's ridiculous to compare cutting a cute little toddlers hair when they can look like perfect little dolls with 'when your son makes his own decision' because he is most unlikely to look like a perfect little angel then as his face will be of an older boy and you will accept he can choose his own style.
You have one chance to have a beautiful little child with tumbling curls but apparently DF's choice takes precedence. I doubt this would have happened if he'd been a girl.

User5747384 · 06/04/2021 08:51

It doesn't look that long before, but the after he should have left more curls on top of his head and shortened it round the sides it would have have looked alot better.
Seems he has just snipped at it randomly so there are curls here and there.

Sawyersfishbiscuits · 06/04/2021 08:53

OP I would have literally hit the roof! The fact he took him to his mother's house to do it just says it all. Oh I'd be absolutely going crazy.
My DS had longer curls and looked so beautiful. I think if my DH had done the same he'd be walking like Bruce Wayne.
Your DS does look like he has the type of hair that will grow back curly though.
I'd be having serious words with your DH about why he did it especially in secret.
I'd also be pissed off with MIL.

Sawyersfishbiscuits · 06/04/2021 08:54

And what's wrong with curly hair anyway???

LivingDeadGirlUK · 06/04/2021 09:00

It wasn't even long in the before pic :/ I don't understand why your partner couldn't wait to take him for a professional cut when the barbers open, hopefully he agrees he did a shit job and won't do it again! Any chance MIL was insisting it be done? My mum had a weird obsession with cutting my sons hair, and did it without asking while he was staying with her. It looked awful but she does admit that now!

TheVolturi · 06/04/2021 09:04

I think it's better for little boys to have shorter hair, because it's just easier to care for, and less hot for them. When they are at an age to specify they want longer hair that's their decision and I'd honour it. But I think a lot of parents keep their sons hair long because they think it looks lovely (which it often does) and not because the child wants it long.

TrialOfStyle · 06/04/2021 09:05

I can't see why those curls needed cutting, and why he was so adamant about doing it (in secret, no less). I wonder if there's some unconscious bias here that curly hair is girly, and that's what this really comes down to.

He is allowed to have a preference on hair too (for whatever reason that might be) but he was unreasonable to cut it in secret.

Curls on toddlers are absolutely gorgeous though. My 3 year old has wonderful curls (a little longer than your son's) but they do need a trim now and then. I bodged the last cut myself, but it's grown out again so no harm done. Your son's hair will grow back too.

TrialOfStyle · 06/04/2021 09:06

@TheVolturi

I think it's better for little boys to have shorter hair, because it's just easier to care for, and less hot for them. When they are at an age to specify they want longer hair that's their decision and I'd honour it. But I think a lot of parents keep their sons hair long because they think it looks lovely (which it often does) and not because the child wants it long.
Boys specifically? Do girls not get hot and need their hair cared for too?
CoolCatTaco · 06/04/2021 09:07

Jesus he made a real hames of it! I was imagining a big head of ringlets but it wasn't long at all.
It's all a bit silly for both of you to care so much about his hair, but I'd by lying if I said I wouldn't have been upset if my DH had done something like that. His hair was really lovely, but it will grow back. Just hide the scissors...

TheVolturi · 06/04/2021 09:07

@trialofstyle most little girls actually want long hair. Mine does.

TrialOfStyle · 06/04/2021 09:10

@TheVolturi But that isn't what you said. You are suggesting keeping their hair short because they get hot and it's easier to care for - but WHEN the specify you will let boys grow it. I'm asking do you not apply the same to little girls before they can specify their preference? They must also get hot and it would be easier to care for.

TheVolturi · 06/04/2021 09:13

Men can have long hair. So can boys. If they like. But the majority of men in the world have it shorter. So why force little boys to go against the grain and have long hair. Unless they want to. I wouldn't force my little girl to have short hair just because I wanted it short. @trialofstyle

SimonJT · 06/04/2021 09:19

It doesn’t look particularly different in the before/after picture.

My son has long hair, when he is at school he typically has it in a joora, at home I tend to just leave it down. I would be upset if someone cut his hair because of the significance of his hair, but it does grow back, so it wouldn’t be the end of the world.

SimonJT · 06/04/2021 09:21

@TheVolturi Is a girls hair somehow easier to care for and less hot than boys hair?

TheVolturi · 06/04/2021 09:26

Blimey! No it's obviously not any easier to care for if it's a girl! But boys don't usually want long hair to stay with so why go to all the trouble? Is that so hard to understand? Or are we nitpicking? Excuse the pun 😂