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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to kill DS!

126 replies

seriouslynaive · 04/04/2021 11:15

Come on here because I am so angry with DS and need to vent

DS (16) disappeared last night on a walk with his girlfriend and then ended up at her house and stayed the night (despite our rules that he shouldn't be staying at her house due to lockdown but this is a whole different story)

I have two twin DD who are 3 and spent ages doing an easter egg hunt for them and setting it up last night and I texted DS to ask if he would come home this morning to take part in the hunt as i got him some stuff as well and his sisters adore him and he can be lovely with them too. He said 'maybe x' and i didn't hear anything else.

Cut to this morning DS comes in the door at 11am (I told him we were doing it at 10:30) looking a mess, smelling of booze, grabbed loads of the eggs from my twins hunt while theyre in the middle of it, kicked a load of the eggs about, behaved like an absolute d*ckhead, both of the twins started crying, he started laughing and now has gone up to his room and locked the door (we did allow him to have a lock because the twins would always go into his room and it became a problem)

I'm absolutely fuming. I can't see any reason for this behaviour. I am actually at a loss of what to do to punish this!!! Does anyone else have a DS that behaves like this and can anyone give me any tips for stopping or solving this sort of awful behaviour?

OP posts:

SweetToffee · 04/04/2021 14:57

Talk to him, listen to him. Don’t react to crap (if any). He’s 16 . A pain in the arse know it all teen. Pick your battles

AllDoneIn · 04/04/2021 15:01

Tbh I immediately thought he was off his face as well. Let him stay in there and see how he emerges later. If he's quiet engage, if he's still defiant minimal interaction until much later on tonight when he's had time to get past the bravado.

MixedUpFiles · 04/04/2021 15:01

Natural consequences, he violated your trust when going out by staying out overnight and coming home drunk so he doesn’t get to go out Aka he is grounded for quite some time.

He made a mess in the house, he cleans.

He upset family members, the best thing here would be a sincere apology and time spent together, but it may be a pick your battles situation.

Obviously it’s a good idea to talk to him and make sure there aren’t deeper issues at play, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t also need to deal with the fallout from his own choices.

LynetteScavo · 04/04/2021 15:03

I wouldn't remove his phone unless you want to poke a hornets nest.

Let him sleep. When he emerges from his room see how he is. I would be asking for an explanation of his behaviour and for him to apologise to his sisters, and go from there. I may well tell him he has behaves like a dick.

This is why I don't think you should sweet in from of your children; at some point when they are a teen you will need to give them a severe jolt by using a swear word to let them know how out of order they have been.

EKGEMS · 04/04/2021 15:05

Natural consequences-he has a hangover? Drag him outta his room into the lounge and make him sit through Easter festivities especially once the younger ones are hyper from the sugary sweets. Run a vacuum, garbage disposal,etcetera. Inform him the hangover headache he has is not the only pain he's going to feel in the immediate future

AliceMcK · 04/04/2021 15:08

I wouldn’t even entertain talking to him until he has slept it off, he could still be drunk. After that he should hopefully be feeling like crap physically and embarrassed. Even if he’s looking for attention, he’s 16, not a toddler, I certainly would not be pandering to him. If he wants to go out drinking and staying out all night like an adult then he dosnt get treat like some poor child. Lots of teenagers have struggled, adults and children of all ages have struggled, missing friends, school and doing so many things we took for granted. If everyone was behaving this way the world would be in an even bigger crisis than it is.

I think the silent treatment until he brings it up. If he dosnt wait until he tries leaving the house then tell him to sit down first as you want a quick word with him, then I would release all hell on him. Grounded, no phone, replacing the damaged eggs, apology to twins, making it up to twins, extra chores, lock coming off and most definitely no girlfriend. I’m 100% a firm believer of you treat your family and the people you live with 100% respect all the time, no excuses ever.

PrintempsAhoy · 04/04/2021 15:20

I am also one of those parents who would have a talk rather than draconian punishments

If it was out of character (as you say it was) , I’d go in and say :”what on earth just happened? Are you ok?”

I have a 16yr old and 18 yr old and last year has been tough, and the 16 yr old has acted up a few times (screaming rows over nothing) and I’d just go and after a bit and ask what’s up. He the. Talked and talked and cried and raged about the pressures of GCSE years, everything he had been looking forward to being cancelled , all the injustice in the world (racism, rape culture), his best friend who is depressed and suicidal....

There can be a lot of shit going on at 16, and they can’t always handle it process it all

It is possible your DS was drugged up, and if he was you need to talk about that with him

All in all, I’d not go in all guns blazing

I’d ask what’s up, and how he’s going to make it ok

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/04/2021 15:27

Christ, when I was a hormonal teenager with a boyfriend, the last thing I would want to do is come home and have to to an egg hunt on a Sunday morning with very young siblings.

I think your expectations are quite abnormal. He's behaving like a normal teenager. Bit of dick yes, but weren't we all at that age?

And drinking at 16 is not uncommon. Be grateful he's honest with you about it.

RantyAnty · 04/04/2021 15:41

I'm wondering if he was on something.

I had 2 teens who occasionally did similar things.
Each of them ended up with an addiction until we got them help.

It was the parents giving the kids the drugs and alcohol when they'd come over to spend the night!

He is nearly an adult so he needs to act like it. Wait until he wakes up and then ask him what happened and listen. Then ask him what he thinks consequences should be for someone who is aggressive and did what he did. Then organise household chores for him to do.

I also agree with skipping the 3 year old stuff with a 16 year old.
There is a 13 year age difference. Do you and his father do things with just him?

KurtWilde · 04/04/2021 15:43

Having older teens and young DC myself I wouldn't expect the older ones to come home and do an Easter egg hunt with the little ones. BUT there's absolutely no excuse for that behaviour. If he really didn't want to come home and do it then he had the option to stay out til it was over, and face consequences of that rather than coming home in that state and being an arse to the 3yo's.

I think you have two separate problems here tbh. The first is expecting a 16yo boy to want to take part in an Easter egg hunt with toddlers, which is on you. The second is his behaviour, which most definitely needs to be addressed.

BiBabbles · 04/04/2021 15:46

But he is a 16 year old boy - do you have one?! They do drink and I do allow it within reason.

I think he's just given you a damn good reason why he shouldn't be (though I agree with others that he sounds high) if this is the aftereffect.

I'd leave him until he sobers up/comes down as I wouldn't want the little ones to be more affected by his behaviour, but if it was my 16yo DS1, I would first check if he's okay as that would be really out of character & discuss what's going on with him and then I would be re-drilling into his head that if he chooses to drink or use other drugs, he cannot take out the effects of that or the hangover/come down on other people.

I'd expect him to come up with a plan to take responsibility, including making amends to his siblings, and how to make sure that never happens again.

MysteriousMonkey · 04/04/2021 15:55

I would turn off the WiFi and talk to him about behaviour and either being responsible and keeping his lock or losing it! I have a 16 year old and they can be so fucking horrid and so lovely and sometimes both at the same time. Mine insisted we had to do the Easter egg hunt earlier then planned because he was going out but then made it so much fun for his siblings I felt better. Then he didn't go out. Argh. Selfish twats. I hope they have many children of their very own one day!

Katyy · 04/04/2021 15:56

Your expectations are too high. No 16 year wants to come home with a hangover to play egg hunts. He’s probably tired or had an argument with his girlfriend maybe she didn’t want him to leave so early. Untie the apron strings !

M0rT · 04/04/2021 16:03

I have no kids but I just wanted to say if he is fundamentally a kind lad guilt tripping is probably a much better route to success than harsh punishments.
Before talking to him think about what is your goal? That this behaviour isn't repeated? What part of the behaviour, the nastiness to his sisters, getting drunk/high, staying at his girlfriends, is the worst through your eyes?
You should also be prepared for the fact that he just might be an unpleasant drunk, there may be no underlying "reason" for his behaviour this morning.
He also might not remember any of it and not know why you are angry with him.
I'm Irish and we have a phrase "the drink doesn't agree with him/her" which is a glossing over way of saying a normally nice decent person turns nasty when drunk.
Anyway best of luck but I'd definitely go in "more in sadness then in anger" mode re punishments.
Most people from 1-100 push back if we feel attacked.

Cccc1111 · 04/04/2021 16:10

Hangover plus maybe angsty teenager who’s had a big argument with his girlfriend before he came home? Maybe that’s why the angry kicking stuff?

BottleFlipper · 04/04/2021 16:14

@EKGEMS

Nasty post.

jessstan2 · 04/04/2021 16:16

I don't understand how he came home from his girlfriend's house smelling of booze, were her parents not there? I wouldn't have let a young visitor go home the next day without cleaning themselves up a bit and certainly sobering up.

He certainly did behave badly with his sisters. I wonder if he is in a mood because of hangover.

He must see his behaviour was unacceptable and apologise. I don't think there is much else you can do, frankly.

(Please don't kill him, you'll end up in jail)

grapewine · 04/04/2021 16:23

@Katyy

Agree.

Bzzzzzbumblebee · 04/04/2021 16:43

Would a home drug test help at all?

It might show that he has damaged your trust but also show up if there is substance abuse. Once you know the story you can move forward.

jessstan2 · 04/04/2021 17:19

Why does he need a drug test? Yes we all know drugs are about, they were when I was young but this lad has been drinking and there's no evidence of drug taking. It seems a bit over the top to me and he would feel he is being unnecessarily policed.

gannett · 04/04/2021 17:32

You can always tell which MNers are talking out of their arse when it comes to drugs. It's all the ones on this thread saying "sounds like he was on something!!!"

It sounds like a mardy teenager with a hangover, nothing more and nothing less. I can assure you that if he'd taken a pill or smoked some weed - the most likely drugs a teenager could get hold of - the results would have been a lot more pleasant!

catsandchaos · 04/04/2021 17:55

Sex, alcohol and perhaps some drugs. No wonder he's Mr hormonal attitude. I would be scared of teen pregnancy and turning off the wi fi for the day.
To be honest, if my son did this I wouldn't known how to stop it happening again ? They are big and strong and can cause havoc

KurtWilde · 04/04/2021 18:05

@catsandchaos

Sex, alcohol and perhaps some drugs. No wonder he's Mr hormonal attitude. I would be scared of teen pregnancy and turning off the wi fi for the day. To be honest, if my son did this I wouldn't known how to stop it happening again ? They are big and strong and can cause havoc

That's a whole lot of assumptions!! Talk about taking a teenager's shitty mood to a whole other level. And turning the WiFi off when kids have data on their phones is neither here nor there these days.

Kettledodger · 04/04/2021 18:25

@gannett I think you are right just a 16yo with a hangover but there is no way I would put up with

My 16yo had an overnight stay at one of his friends on Friday. There were 6 of them they stayed in the garden all night under a gazebo, they slept outside (hardy explorer scouts) drinks, food and lots of fun was had.

I picked him up the next day smelling like a brewery and bonfire very tired and hungover. He snapped at me I gave him a look he immediately apologised.While we were aware he was hungover we also expected him not to act brattish all day. He would have been grounded had he acted like the OPs DS

Original poster

seriouslynaive · 04/04/2021 20:30

thank you so much everyone for all the replies.

I haven't managed to talk to him yet. But DDs actually asked me a few hours later whether they could go and see him because they were "worried about him" so I let them knock on his door (fully expecting him not to answer and then me to say he was asleep) and he actually answered the door, I stayed away to see how he would behave when it was just them and him, he gave them both a cuddle and let them into his bed for a "snuggle" as they call it - and he watched bloody peppa pig with them for about an hour! This is so rare these days!

The boy never ceases to amaze me. He's been fine all day since. The girls have gone to bed now so I'm gearing up to a chat with him. Like a lot of you suggest I am going to go in from a concerned Mum viewpoint, but he will get a sanction.

OP posts:

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