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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to kill DS!

126 replies

seriouslynaive · 04/04/2021 11:15

Come on here because I am so angry with DS and need to vent

DS (16) disappeared last night on a walk with his girlfriend and then ended up at her house and stayed the night (despite our rules that he shouldn't be staying at her house due to lockdown but this is a whole different story)

I have two twin DD who are 3 and spent ages doing an easter egg hunt for them and setting it up last night and I texted DS to ask if he would come home this morning to take part in the hunt as i got him some stuff as well and his sisters adore him and he can be lovely with them too. He said 'maybe x' and i didn't hear anything else.

Cut to this morning DS comes in the door at 11am (I told him we were doing it at 10:30) looking a mess, smelling of booze, grabbed loads of the eggs from my twins hunt while theyre in the middle of it, kicked a load of the eggs about, behaved like an absolute d*ckhead, both of the twins started crying, he started laughing and now has gone up to his room and locked the door (we did allow him to have a lock because the twins would always go into his room and it became a problem)

I'm absolutely fuming. I can't see any reason for this behaviour. I am actually at a loss of what to do to punish this!!! Does anyone else have a DS that behaves like this and can anyone give me any tips for stopping or solving this sort of awful behaviour?

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 04/04/2021 14:06

@DinosaurDiana, they all have the same father.OP's DH.

KirstenBlest · 04/04/2021 14:06

DH

CuthbertDibbleandGrubb · 04/04/2021 14:07

I agree with the phone removal. I would talk to the girlfriend's parents as well.

Poppydot3 · 04/04/2021 14:09

@GoddessKali

Whilst that’s awful..... I wonder why he’s done this?

I’d go in compassionately not angry, and say you’re shocked as his little sisters obviously love him and they’re very hurt, what’s wrong with him because however much he hurt them, he’s hurting more.

This
MaMaD1990 · 04/04/2021 14:10

Sounds like he was high as a kite to be honest. I know PP have said don't go too hard on him, but some serious invasion of privacy needs to happen here to make sure there aren't any drugs in the house and what happened/who he was with last night - and a chat with his girlfriends parents would go a miss. Yes it's tough being a teen at the moment, but drug and alcohol misuse around 3yr olds isn't safe and he is still a child (obviously). Have a non confrontational chat with him but definitely tell him you need to search his room at the very least.

mbosnz · 04/04/2021 14:13

From what my 17 year old tells me, drugs are scarily available, scarily common, and scarily frequently used. I try not to let her see my terror, and we are very open about drug and drink (to the point, where she turned up, off her tits, and as she fell in the door, managed to slur, 'not gonna lie, I'm a little bit pissed' - well DUH!) because I think the most important thing is to be able to get an honest answer to the question, 'have you taken anything, what have you taken?' in case of a medical event.

At this age, we cannot punish them into behaving the way we want, the same, because they do need freedom to learn to behave sensibly and appropriately of their own volition.

However, when the line is crossed, I've found that leaving them to get to that rather awful point of realisation that they've been an utter dick, and having to come to you, or have you come to them, and hash it out, tends to work quite well.

ilovebagpuss · 04/04/2021 14:14

If he’s usually a decent brother and lad I would let the egg kicking go for now as he’s likely to reflect that he was out of order.
Let it stew for a while then later ask him what’s eating him as he was really unkind to his sisters and you feel that’s not like him.
Perhaps he was expecting to be bollocked for staying out or had a row with the GF.
Make sure he knows the girls were upset and how unacceptable that was but in a reasonable way not all guns blazing.
I find that genuinely decent kids do come back with an apology or explanation and if you get none then I would be pulling some of the privileges.

DIshedUp · 04/04/2021 14:20

I think you need to leave him for now.

Hes come in and sounds like he was being quite aggressive and frightening to your twins? Thats really not on, no matter what's going on in his life destroying a toddlers easter egg hunt is completely unacceptable

Imagine growing up in a house where your adult sized brother throws his weight around for attention and gets his own way?

Today you need to take care of the twins. Later today or tomorrow you need to have a chat with him about why he behaved like that. I wouldn't go in angry, because if he is doing it for attention you don't want to give him the wrong sort of attention.

PerseverancePays · 04/04/2021 14:21

Please don’t rush in with the punishments. When you feel calmer and he’s had time to reflect, have a chat. Listen to what he’s saying. He might not really know why he behaved so badly. Ask him what he thinks he should do for reparation. He’ll probably come up with much harsher punishments than you will. He needs to start with apologies and remorse , forgiveness from the family, then reparations then move on.

If punishment worked the prisons wouldn’t be full.

LizzieVereker · 04/04/2021 14:25

I would check he’s alive, and then let him sleep it off and eat. If he’s still high (which it sounds like he was) you went get any sense out of him until he’s slept and eaten.

I would then be absolutely calm but blunt with him about how unacceptable and scary his actions were. Don’t chicken out from embarrassment or because a day has passed while he slept (he’ll be banking in that!)

He’s asking for your help, OP, and you have only one chance to give it. Helping him doesn’t mean letting him off, but being brutally clear that what he did was terrible, but try to stay calm. He’s young enough for a sanction as well, but that’s up to you. I suspect he’ll break down before you need to give him one, and it will be an opportunity to find out what’s going on and help. If he’s taking drugs, even if it’s just weed, you’ll need your big girl pants now 💐

Fillybuster · 04/04/2021 14:29

Hey OP,
Totally understand why you’re steaming but as another tmother of a year 11 boy (who is similarly pretty kind to his siblings) I’d say take a deep breath, and calm down first.

You’re completely right, this past year has been horrific for teens, and I am finding that I am flexing my parenting in unexpected ways to find the right balance at the moment.

Your son sounds (mostly) very lovely, so try to keep your focus on the positives; I think you need to figure out what you want to achieve as an outcome with ds before handing out any punishments. Maybe a genuine apology to his sisters, and to you, and a serious (calm) chat about expectations will deliver more benefit that sanctions on phone, money, wifi etc, which will just leave him feeling misunderstood and hard done by? I suspect lots of compassion, mixed with some genuine disappointment and hurt, will achieve more in the long run. Good luck!

PurpleBiro21 · 04/04/2021 14:29

However, when the line is crossed, I've found that leaving them to get to that rather awful point of realisation that they've been an utter dick, and having to come to you, or have you come to them, and hash it out, tends to work quite well.

I think this works better.

I don’t have teenagers but having been one with a similar age gap and punishment happy parents, I like to think my first statement to DS would be ‘what do you think about what happened earlier?’ And let him talk.

Assuming he opens up/thinks about his actions I would be looking for him to make it up to his siblings and a promise of not to do this sort of thing again. Some contrite behaviour for a while.

Obviously if this isn’t forthcoming then next step is punishment, but I’d give him an opportunity to reflect on his actions and put it right.

CallforHecate · 04/04/2021 14:30

He’s experiencing some emotions that he’s unable to handle. Whether that’s because he’s high or drunk or because something has happened with the gf or because he’s feeling neglected by you because of the twins or because the past year has just been too much all round - who knows. But if he’s usually a decent lad who doesn’t tend to act up like this (it sounds as though he’s had a drink before without behaving like this, for example) then I’d be more concerned than angry.

I would want to know he was ok so I would go and check on him now and then leave him be til either later today or tomorrow, and then I’d give him a big hug and say ‘that was really unlike you, it upset everyone - do you want to talk about how you were feeling?’. And then I’d take it from there. Depending on what he said and how he reacted, I would then introduce the question of a punishment - see if he understood why, and so on.

I think this is one of those key parenting moments where how you react can set the tone for the next stage of your relationship.

rwalker · 04/04/2021 14:33

Realistcally your a bit limited punishing a 16 year old
Turn wifi they'll go on mobile data
Take the door off and they would just go out

Tell him he need to apologise to the girls and take it from there

I can't believe some of the replies on here they either don't have 16 year olds or if they do they will be clearing off at the 1st opportunity

Moondust001 · 04/04/2021 14:37

I think this is one of those key parenting moments where how you react can set the tone for the next stage of your relationship.

This.
Killing him is possibly a step too far, but torture may be reasonable.

But seriously, his behaviour definitely isn't acceptable, but one has to expect some occasions of acting like a total dickhead in these years - better to get it over with now than act like this when he's older! It's part of growing up and becoming an adult - you do stuff you think is adult and discover that it's shit really, then blame the world for that! He will probably feel far worse about himself and what he has done than anything you could devise - although that does not mean there shouldn't be consequences for his behaviour. Wait until you've both calmed down though, the deal with it.

katy1213 · 04/04/2021 14:42

Don't remove the lock. And stop forcing to him to play with the kids. Would you have wanted a three-year-olds' Easter Egg hunt when you were his age? He's behaved badly but he's probably still pissed. It happens.

Notsoaccidentproneanymore · 04/04/2021 14:44

Def agree with PurpleBiro21.

Sounds like something ds1 would have done. I’d leave him to sleep it off etc then ask him after he’s got up what the hell was that earlier?

Getting into an argument won’t help anyone. Treat him like the nearly adult he is. Talk about actions and consequences and ask him what he thinks should happen next? But make it clear that acting like a dick isn’t acceptable.

I think it’s particularly difficult for teens this past year, more so than any other age group. They normally want to test boundaries etc at that age, but with lockdown it’s even harder.

You need to keep communications open with him and make him feel he can talk to you without being judged.

DS2 is 19 and is at Uni. He rings frequently just to get things off his chest, and to discuss solutions to problems. I never tell him what to do, just make suggestions and the talk through solutions.

Good luck, teenagers! Shame you can’t just give them back till they’ve got their heads sorted.

Bul21ia · 04/04/2021 14:44

@CuthbertDibbleandGrubb

I agree with the phone removal. I would talk to the girlfriend's parents as well.
I think this is jumping gun. OP needs to ask questions first.
JustLyra · 04/04/2021 14:46

I think this is jumping gun. OP needs to ask questions first.

Exactly.

The OP needs to know what she’s dealing with and needs her DS’s side of events first before making any decisions or speaking to anyone else.

Especially as this is out of character behaviour for him.

Leafstamp · 04/04/2021 14:47

@DinosaurDiana

Sorry if you’ve already answered this but, do the twins and he have the same dad ? I’m wondering if there’s some some jealousy or resentment there.
This was my first thought tbh.
Alreadyinmypyjamas · 04/04/2021 14:49

Kill seems a bit strong.

Just maim him slightly.

CustardySergeant · 04/04/2021 14:54

The OP has said they all have the same dad.

Squeejit · 04/04/2021 14:54

I’d leave him be and focus on having a nice day with the little ones. My reckoning is that he’ll emerge from his room sheepishly, eventually. That’s the time for an honest conversation and consequences.
I actually find asking my teenagers what they think is a suitable consequence works really well - they are often harder on themselves than I would have been!

Leafstamp · 04/04/2021 14:56

@CustardySergeant

The OP has said they all have the same dad.
Yes, I meant the jealously and resentment part.
WhoWants2Know · 04/04/2021 14:56

I thought he sounded high, to be honest.