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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to kill DS!

126 replies

seriouslynaive · 04/04/2021 11:15

Come on here because I am so angry with DS and need to vent

DS (16) disappeared last night on a walk with his girlfriend and then ended up at her house and stayed the night (despite our rules that he shouldn't be staying at her house due to lockdown but this is a whole different story)

I have two twin DD who are 3 and spent ages doing an easter egg hunt for them and setting it up last night and I texted DS to ask if he would come home this morning to take part in the hunt as i got him some stuff as well and his sisters adore him and he can be lovely with them too. He said 'maybe x' and i didn't hear anything else.

Cut to this morning DS comes in the door at 11am (I told him we were doing it at 10:30) looking a mess, smelling of booze, grabbed loads of the eggs from my twins hunt while theyre in the middle of it, kicked a load of the eggs about, behaved like an absolute d*ckhead, both of the twins started crying, he started laughing and now has gone up to his room and locked the door (we did allow him to have a lock because the twins would always go into his room and it became a problem)

I'm absolutely fuming. I can't see any reason for this behaviour. I am actually at a loss of what to do to punish this!!! Does anyone else have a DS that behaves like this and can anyone give me any tips for stopping or solving this sort of awful behaviour?

OP posts:
MzHz · 04/04/2021 12:15

Why on earth would you think he’d want to do this kind of activity with 3yos?

Why not just ASK if he wanted to be involved and accept his answer.

You created this mess. He’s 16, not 6.

ImAlrightThanx · 04/04/2021 12:15

I'd leave him for now. Let him stay in his room- he's probably gone to bed. Have a nice day with your DDs, and talk to him when he's not hungover.

GCSEmum1 · 04/04/2021 12:15

Halfway through I was away to say you were being unreasonable to ask a 16 year old to take part in an Easter egg hunt with 3 years olds- there's a difference between being a great older sibling and being treated like a child (I was the much older sibling!)... but his behaviour was not OK. I would probably put it down to drink (possibly still drunk/hungover) and tiredness meaning he's not been able to switch off the bravado since being home.

I would be grounding him for a couple of weeks but otherwise ignoring the behaviour. Personally, I think 16 is too young to be staying the night with bfs/gfs and that should be curtailed- lockdown or not.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 04/04/2021 12:20

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I have to ask:

Why would you expect a 16 year old to get up and egg hunt with his sisters? Mine’s still in bed

What’s the big deal about having a lock on his door? All 4 of our teens got locks on their doors at 13.

If you’d given him space to be a teen then the horrible behaviour might not have happened.

Not sure the last sentence is fair but I agree with the rest of it. I am really surprised so many people are saying take the lock off his door. He's 15. He needs a space that's just his. I would argue that he particularly needs it when he's angry or upset and needs to calm down. And of course he needs it if he's got two 3 year old sisters who just barge in on him when the door isn't locked. That is not something I would take away from him as a punishment.
gannett · 04/04/2021 12:20

Everywhere else on MN there's so much faux-concern about teenagers' mental health in these times but the minute that manifests in inconvenient behaviour you get these hatchet-faced demands to punish and ground them.

According to OP this isn't his usual behaviour so the first thing I'd do is find out what made him act like that. Argument with the gf? Something that happened overnight? Wobbly mental health because of lockdown? Or just ratty because he was hungover? All of those require different approaches. Obviously regardless, you can still make it clear making the twins cry was unacceptable.

I also wouldn't have expected a 16yo to join in on a toddler easter egg hunt at ALL in the first place. Did he feel you were pressuring him to do that?

ArmchairTraveller · 04/04/2021 12:25

Everywhere else on MN there's so much faux-concern about teenagers' mental health in these times but the minute that manifests in inconvenient behaviour you get these hatchet-faced demands to punish and ground them.

this

BlackCatShadow · 04/04/2021 12:25

I think you would be best to leave him for a bit to sober up or whatever. When he appears from his room, sit him down for a serious chat about what an arsehole he was this morning and last night. Hopefully, he will be embarrassed and apologise. Definitely don't give him the stuff you got him for Easter. Whatever is going on, he can't treat people this way.

pepsicolagirl · 04/04/2021 12:27

My 16yr old is still in their room. There is no way I would make them break their plans to come and take part in an egg hunt - although the offer would be put to them because sometimes that morose teen veneer does part to reveal the egg hunt loving child I knew...

However if they started kicking eggs around and behaving like an arse I would lose my shit tbh and I probably would take the door off BUT I would regret it after I calmed down.

Talk to your teen about both of your expectations.

Allowing them to go and get drunk and stay at their girlfriends house seems a lot of freedom to be handing someone you expect to take part in a kiddies egg hunt, you know?

Kittykat93 · 04/04/2021 12:30

@gannett

Everywhere else on MN there's so much faux-concern about teenagers' mental health in these times but the minute that manifests in inconvenient behaviour you get these hatchet-faced demands to punish and ground them.

According to OP this isn't his usual behaviour so the first thing I'd do is find out what made him act like that. Argument with the gf? Something that happened overnight? Wobbly mental health because of lockdown? Or just ratty because he was hungover? All of those require different approaches. Obviously regardless, you can still make it clear making the twins cry was unacceptable.

I also wouldn't have expected a 16yo to join in on a toddler easter egg hunt at ALL in the first place. Did he feel you were pressuring him to do that?

Sorry but whether something happened or not.. there is absolutely no excuse for the way he behaved. Doesn't matter if he had an argument with the girlfriend or was hungover or pissed off about lockdown. His behaviour was disgraceful and he should get a consequence for that I think. Of course once calm I'd have a chat with him about anything that's going on, and see if there was something I could do to help, but I would not allow that kind of behaviour under my roof from anybody.

Original poster
seriouslynaive · 04/04/2021 12:33

I don't 'expect' him to take part in the egg hunt. The thing is, as I have said he is so lovely to the twins and they all adore each other a lot of the time. For example, at Christmas he took them to an outdoor christmas grotto thing and they loved it and he enjoyed taking them!
I've looked back at my text to him last night and it says "I'm doing an egg hunt for the twins (and you?) tomorrow morning. We can make it 10:30 so you can join them? I know they would love it xxx". and he put 'maybe x' as previously stated. Which for him with a kiss isn't a no!!!
Obviously i'm aware he is 16 and I don't expect him to join in with everything the girls do.

I also don't 'allow' him to go and stay at his girlfriends house and get drunk exactly. But he is a 16 year old boy - do you have one?! They do drink and I do allow it within reason. We actually have banned him from staying there or at anyone's house during lockdown but occasionally it is not worth the battle and her parents let him stay and don't have a problem with it, so without it becoming us turning up there at 10pm at night and having an awkward show down where we insist our son comes home with us... I'm not really sure how to handle that. And since he's had a tough year we have allowed some leeway.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 04/04/2021 12:38

I honestly don’t know how I would react either OP

I would be rightly furious and my first instinct would be to remove all privileges, WiFi, bedroom door lock and ban him from seeing his girlfriend for a while

But at the same time, I think he does need his privacy so he can keep his lock, and if he wants go out, how do stop him?

Mylovelyhorsee · 04/04/2021 12:41

Take away the lock and put a toddler stair gate on the door, that will keep the 3 year olds out. Punishment wise, grounded, no phone.

Eviethyme · 04/04/2021 12:42

It makes me laugh when peoe think a bad behaviour is them reaching out for attention so then... They withhold even more attention 😂😂🤣 like htf does that work???

Mylovelyhorsee · 04/04/2021 12:51

Also is your dp his dad?

Notaroadrunner · 04/04/2021 12:54

I'd say he's possibly had a row with the gf, might be a bit hungover and is taking it out on the rest of you. Let him stew for a while. If it's out of character I'd just ask him what happened to cause him to behave like that. Ask him to apologise to the twins. However, I wouldn't drag it out. Chances are he'll be back to himself after a good kip. And yes, I have teens. After Ds worst hangover we dragged him out for a walk in an area which turned out to be soggy ground with cows and cowshite. I was like a bitch giving out to Dh for picking that walk. I daresay it was a fairly crap punishment for a teen to suffer 😂

DrSbaitso · 04/04/2021 12:58

Consequences are absolutely necessary as this obviously isn't acceptable. In addition, though, do give him the opportunity to explain why he felt and acted the way he did. Not to give excuses but just so that, as well as the message that you cannot act like that, he also hears that you do listen to him, care about his feelings and situation even if you won't accept them as reasons for acting like an arsehole, and realise that he doesn't do things like this in a vacuum; in other words, so that he knows that you aren't just putting this down to him being a shit because you expect him to act like one because you think he is one and that's just what he's like. I know you don't feel that way, but he needs to know it too.

Betty000 · 04/04/2021 13:00

This is such a shit time for teenagers. I e got one the same age, I know he would not be interested in an egg hunt with much younger siblings. Probably best to leave him be for now but when you feel a bit calmer have a chat and let him know how upset the twins were, as you said he’s normally lovely with them.

Original poster
seriouslynaive · 04/04/2021 13:00

@mbosnz I do worry about him experimenting with drugs as it seems to be scarily common with teens these days, and this did cross my mind this morning when he was being so manic/bizarre. i will talk to him about it... I really hope it's not that.

@Mylovelyhorsee yes DH is his Dad - kids all have the same Dad, we just had DS very young hence the age gap

I think I am going to try and have a chat with him this afternoon maybe. And then load the punishments on and ultimately get him to apologise to the poor girls. I am hoping he will feel bad when he gets up!!!!

OP posts:
PerspicaciousGreen · 04/04/2021 13:01

I wouldn't be too fussed about the staying out and the texting. Actively grabbing and kicking your toddlers eggs, though? What a total turd. Line crossed there.

However, you say he's not normally like this. I'd guess something happened last night that's upset him. It might be something silly, but things can feel big at that age.

I'd write a note and slide it under his door, letting him know that you're disappointed with the way he treated his siblings and you expect him to apologise to them in due course and make it up to them - but also that he seems a bit off and is he OK and would he like to talk about anything? Gives him a bit of time to calm down and doesn't put him on the spot, but opens that line of communication.

Also, do keep the lock on his door. Poor boy! I hated feeling burst-in-on as a teenager.

KirstenBlest · 04/04/2021 13:08

He's been an only child for a long time, he's a teenager, the twins are probably a bit too for much him to cope with.

Switch the wifi off and give him a chance to recover from the hangover.

AnnieLobeseder · 04/04/2021 13:11

Oh come on, he didn't have to take part in the egg hunt if he didn't want to, but coming home and ruining it is absolutely unacceptable. There's also no way on god's green earth I'd be letting my y11 DC stay overnight at anyone's house or come home reeking of alcohol. I would have been standing outside the girlfriend's house yelling until he came out and dragged him home. I would also make it very clear to the girlfriends parents that while they might not mind him staying over, I certainly do, and would they please not undermine my parenting by allowing him to stay. How on earth would anyone find this acceptable? Apparently I live in a different world from the parents of other 16 yo teens, but just wow.

Justri · 04/04/2021 13:13

I would guess it wasn't just booze he had last night..

goldfinchfan · 04/04/2021 13:13

Not saying this to scare you but, I think your DS has been trying dr ugs.
Many years ago my DD changed behaviour and it was her experimenting.
An awful time.
Better to face it......and if it's not that then that is even better.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 04/04/2021 13:17

I’d have fetched him last night. He’s 16 and a child and shouldn’t be allowed to do as he pleases.

If mine had stayed out on without permission and been drinking at 16 they would be grounded, no allowance and no tech. It’s even worse in a lockdown as there is supposed to be SD and no going indoors to mix.

JustLyra · 04/04/2021 13:19

Since he doesn’t usually behave like that I’d leave him to sleep it off.

Wait til he sobers up then sit him down and talk to him.

Make your plan for punishing his behaviour after you’ve spoken to him about what’s gone on.

If he is seeking attention then your DH is wrong to suggest you completely ignore it. Yes, don’t interrupt your plans right now (there’s no point trying to talk to a drunk/high person), but after that ignoring it is a terrible idea. Far better to talk and find out why.