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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP didn't come home AIBU to be Pissed off?

551 replies

ShutUpaYourFace · 04/04/2021 07:51

So yesterday DP went off at 3pm to a socially distanced wake/bbq. His friends DP passed away, the funeral is soon but limited. This is a group of men that haven't got together since the pandemic. I understand they have a lot to catch up on so on, but he said it was just an afternoon thing outside. We have 2 children so about midnight I went to bed. It's now nearly 8am and he still hasn't returned. No text, no call. I'm pissed off. It has happened before and always leads to an argument. I just can't forgive the lack of respect towards myself and the kids.
AIBU? would you be pissed off too?

OP posts:
Butwasitherdriveway · 04/04/2021 15:03

@Whatwouldscullydo

I'm no paragon of virtue, but I have never passed out at a mate's. I have been pretty drunk in my time but I have an off switch which operates before I pass out

Plus most people grow out of that stuff. What u do when young and responsibility free is one thing.

When you have responsibilities, and such actions could cost you your job, or cause problems witg your spouses job ( I.mean u try calling In sick at short notice because your husband/wife is too hungover to look after your children, and see how well that goes down) , you are supposed to be an.adult.

But none of those things happened, did they
AhNowTed · 04/04/2021 15:04

Ridiculous OTT responses.

Some of you need to get out more.

WisnaeMe · 04/04/2021 15:07

does he recall nothing from leaving the wake to getting arrested, how many hours has he lost OP 😱

glad he's home safe. 🐣

Thewinterofdiscontent · 04/04/2021 15:10

Getting arrested for being drunk and disorderly?! I would be seriously pissed off with this. We’ve just had a national awakening to how scared women feel on the street. Having a husband who can get pissed and be anti social is part of that.

Getting hammered and staying out isn’t great but as long as it’s once in a blue moon I could cope. Behaving like a knob, less so.

Butwasitherdriveway · 04/04/2021 15:11

@Thewinterofdiscontent

Getting arrested for being drunk and disorderly?! I would be seriously pissed off with this. We’ve just had a national awakening to how scared women feel on the street. Having a husband who can get pissed and be anti social is part of that.

Getting hammered and staying out isn’t great but as long as it’s once in a blue moon I could cope. Behaving like a knob, less so.

Oh come on.
daisychain01 · 04/04/2021 15:15

How absolutely depressing that not getting smashed, not disappearing off the face of the earth when your family is at home expecting you back, and not ending up wasting police time in a cell is labelled "paragon of virtue".

I have no words.

Butwasitherdriveway · 04/04/2021 15:16

@daisychain01

How absolutely depressing that not getting smashed, not disappearing off the face of the earth when your family is at home expecting you back, and not ending up wasting police time in a cell is labelled "paragon of virtue".

I have no words.

Again another post suggesting this is the worst most unforgivable behaviour.

It isn't.

StormcloakNord · 04/04/2021 15:23

@Butwasitherdriveway it's not if you have extremely low standards.

Most women I know just wouldn't put up with it. To them it's completely unacceptable and it is the worst behaviour.

Some women have lower standards so are happy to accept this kind of shitty behaviour as par for the course.

ivfbeenbusy · 04/04/2021 15:23

@Butwasitherdriveway

You seem to be the voice of reason today on MN - enjoying and agreeing with all your posts across various MN threads today 👍

Butwasitherdriveway · 04/04/2021 15:23

[quote StormcloakNord]@Butwasitherdriveway it's not if you have extremely low standards.

Most women I know just wouldn't put up with it. To them it's completely unacceptable and it is the worst behaviour.

Some women have lower standards so are happy to accept this kind of shitty behaviour as par for the course. [/quote]
Or ,

Some women are not up their own arse and love their partner and know that people make mistakes.

Butwasitherdriveway · 04/04/2021 15:24

[quote ivfbeenbusy]@Butwasitherdriveway

You seem to be the voice of reason today on MN - enjoying and agreeing with all your posts across various MN threads today 👍[/quote]
I'm not sure if that's sarcastic Grin

StormcloakNord · 04/04/2021 15:27

@Butwasitherdriveway it's nothing to do with being "up their own arse", as you so eloquently put it.

It's to do with having a set standard at which you want to be treated. Some women's set standard is higher, because they have more respect for themselves as a person. Some women have lower standard, for whatever reason.

A mistake is something you do, something you realise was wrong, and something you try not to do again. This isn't the case for OP's husband as she's said numerous time it's not a one off.

Lndnmummy · 04/04/2021 15:27

That behaviour uwould be a deal breaker for me.

StormcloakNord · 04/04/2021 15:28

@Butwasitherdriveway Also, having standards for your own treatment and loving your partner aren't synonymous. That's an absolutely ridiculous statement.

StormcloakNord · 04/04/2021 15:29

I should have said mutually exclusive, not synonymous. Functioning on 3 hrs sleep.

Butwasitherdriveway · 04/04/2021 15:29

[quote StormcloakNord]@Butwasitherdriveway Also, having standards for your own treatment and loving your partner aren't synonymous. That's an absolutely ridiculous statement. [/quote]
So is you trying to suggest women who wouldn't behave ridiculously and throw him our have less respect for themselves.

The world doesn't revolve around you and your opinions, and you cannot dictate other people's standards.

StormcloakNord · 04/04/2021 15:31

@Butwasitherdriveway nothing to do with the world revolving around anyway.

It's fact, not opinion. If you are happy to let your husband continually disappear on nights out without any thought for his children at home, you have lower standards than women who would throw someone out for that.

BiBabbles · 04/04/2021 15:31

Given that OP didn't know whst happened until now, no her kids didn't see it.

If he was arrested near the house, it's possible that the incident woke them and they saw out their bedroom windows. It's unlikely, but it's possible. Having been in that situation, it was my first thought.

This is so OTT. The children do not need to know any of this.

The 9-year-old is already aware that their father was missing. Would you suggest lying if the child asks?

I can see why some would think my ideas are over the top, but having been a child in the situation, I don't think there are benefits to keeping children in the dark.

One of the worst things when dealing with a parent arrested for shite like this is knowing something's gone wrong but the adults wouldn't talk about it to my siblings and I and being expected to just act like everything is fine. That was considered best then, it isn't now. The children's questions, feelings, concerns, and general thoughts should be heard and addressed and there are age appropriate ways to discuss this.

It isn't the worst, most unforgivable thing ever, but for me it would cross a line. I do not take lightly when people's drug use choices impacts the rest of the household, and this has. I might be 'up my own arse', but I'd expect at bare minimum for him to answer the questions our children had on the topic and be able to discuss it with them appropriately as part of taking responsibility which to me is a key part of any apology being real.

bloodywhitecat · 04/04/2021 15:32

@AhNowTed

Wow all the paragons of virtue, never got drunk on a night out, passed out at a mates. The arrest is unfortunate but this is hardly the crime of the century.

He made a stupid mistake. That's it.

No. I haven't, I have led a very sheltered life (I used to get beaten by a parent when they were off their face on alcohol so I drink with caution) but at the same time I would not throw away a relationship over this.
Butwasitherdriveway · 04/04/2021 15:33

[quote StormcloakNord]@Butwasitherdriveway nothing to do with the world revolving around anyway.

It's fact, not opinion. If you are happy to let your husband continually disappear on nights out without any thought for his children at home, you have lower standards than women who would throw someone out for that. [/quote]
Not true.

derxa · 04/04/2021 15:35

Something might have been slipped into his drink. Who knows...

StormcloakNord · 04/04/2021 15:42

Not true... I mean, it is absolutely true but okay.

Your narrative @Butwasitherdriveway is really damaging by the way. Saying that women not putting up with being treated like shit are "up their own arse" is the exact reason so many women just put up and shut up with abuse. It's so unbelievably damaging.

ivfbeenbusy · 04/04/2021 15:43

@Butwasitherdriveway
Not at all sarcastic! Very much enjoying your comments on the MIL thread 🤣

Butwasitherdriveway · 04/04/2021 15:43

@StormcloakNord

Not true... I mean, it is absolutely true but okay.

Your narrative @Butwasitherdriveway is really damaging by the way. Saying that women not putting up with being treated like shit are "up their own arse" is the exact reason so many women just put up and shut up with abuse. It's so unbelievably damaging.

I couldn't care less.

Your narrative that people who make different decisions to you have less respect and lower standards is more damaging.

I didn't say people who can't cope with shit are up their own arse. I said that about the likes of you who consider themselves the patron saint of what's acceptable.

Butwasitherdriveway · 04/04/2021 15:44

[quote ivfbeenbusy]@Butwasitherdriveway
Not at all sarcastic! Very much enjoying your comments on the MIL thread 🤣[/quote]
I am GUTTED that was pulled 😭

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