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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP didn't come home AIBU to be Pissed off?

551 replies

ShutUpaYourFace · 04/04/2021 07:51

So yesterday DP went off at 3pm to a socially distanced wake/bbq. His friends DP passed away, the funeral is soon but limited. This is a group of men that haven't got together since the pandemic. I understand they have a lot to catch up on so on, but he said it was just an afternoon thing outside. We have 2 children so about midnight I went to bed. It's now nearly 8am and he still hasn't returned. No text, no call. I'm pissed off. It has happened before and always leads to an argument. I just can't forgive the lack of respect towards myself and the kids.
AIBU? would you be pissed off too?

OP posts:
Whatwouldscullydo · 04/04/2021 14:27

Like fuck it would! If a woman was posting she’d be getting torn to shreds

And the poor husband would be pitied at having to look after the kids over night on his own with it being Totally understandable the kids would be dumped on grandparents and the wife came back to dishes piled everywhere and no one having clean clothes.

No way would it slide then. Not when it inconveniences the husband so badly. She'd never hear the end of it.

TJ17 · 04/04/2021 14:32

My DH would have only done that once and he'd never get another opportunity.

It screams a complete lack of respect for you.

Bin him.

TJ17 · 04/04/2021 14:35

Just read your update.

Yeah sorry but no way would I put up with a 45 year old father of my children who gets arrested for being drunk and disorderly (during a pandemic or not during a pandemic....)

MixedUpFiles · 04/04/2021 14:35

For me, the next step would be a serious conversation about his alcohol consumption and acceptable parameters going forward. Based on what is described in this thread, it’s not clear that AA is the right approach, but we don’t have all the details. Something has to change though.

Alsohuman · 04/04/2021 14:39

@MixedUpFiles

For me, the next step would be a serious conversation about his alcohol consumption and acceptable parameters going forward. Based on what is described in this thread, it’s not clear that AA is the right approach, but we don’t have all the details. Something has to change though.
Trust me AA is not the right approach for someone who gets pissed a handful of times in a decade and frankly suggesting it completely trivialises and underestimates the impact of alcoholism.
Butwasitherdriveway · 04/04/2021 14:41

@TJ17

My DH would have only done that once and he'd never get another opportunity.

It screams a complete lack of respect for you.

Bin him.

Yeah cause it's all about you
MixedUpFiles · 04/04/2021 14:47

I’m skeptical that a person that binge drinks like this isn’t also drinking the rest of the time. Hence my mention that we may not be getting all the details.

Butwasitherdriveway · 04/04/2021 14:50

@MixedUpFiles

I’m skeptical that a person that binge drinks like this isn’t also drinking the rest of the time. Hence my mention that we may not be getting all the details.
My god.

The pal died.

He got leathered

End of.

Everyone is going OTT.

Butwasitherdriveway · 04/04/2021 14:50

@Whatwouldscullydo

Like fuck it would! If a woman was posting she’d be getting torn to shreds

And the poor husband would be pitied at having to look after the kids over night on his own with it being Totally understandable the kids would be dumped on grandparents and the wife came back to dishes piled everywhere and no one having clean clothes.

No way would it slide then. Not when it inconveniences the husband so badly. She'd never hear the end of it.

In what world?
AhNowTed · 04/04/2021 14:51

Wow all the paragons of virtue, never got drunk on a night out, passed out at a mates. The arrest is unfortunate but this is hardly the crime of the century.

He made a stupid mistake. That's it.

Alsohuman · 04/04/2021 14:52

@MixedUpFiles

I’m skeptical that a person that binge drinks like this isn’t also drinking the rest of the time. Hence my mention that we may not be getting all the details.
So OP’s lying then?

I “binge drink” on occasion and then don’t touch alcohol for months. Most of the people I know are the same.

CirqueDeMorgue · 04/04/2021 14:52

'Bin him,' standard dumb MN response. It's a 30 year marriage ffs.

Butwasitherdriveway · 04/04/2021 14:52

@CirqueDeMorgue

'Bin him,' standard dumb MN response. It's a 30 year marriage ffs.
But THEY Wouldn't tolerate it therefore nobody else is allowed to.
Butwasitherdriveway · 04/04/2021 14:53

Hang on a minute.

Did he get married at 16, OP?

Regularsizedrudy · 04/04/2021 14:54

@CirqueDeMorgue no it’s a 30 year relationship of people who got together when they were literal children.. there’s a big difference

shouldistop · 04/04/2021 14:54

@Butwasitherdriveway op said they've been together 30 years, not that they've been married for 30 years.

God I'd be furious if my dh was arrested, don't know how I'd move on tbh. So irresponsible.

RedHelenB · 04/04/2021 14:55

I wouldn't be pissed off if he didn't object to you doing the same.

RampantIvy · 04/04/2021 14:56

@AhNowTed

Wow all the paragons of virtue, never got drunk on a night out, passed out at a mates. The arrest is unfortunate but this is hardly the crime of the century.

He made a stupid mistake. That's it.

I'm no paragon of virtue, but I have never passed out at a mate's. I have been pretty drunk in my time but I have an off switch which operates before I pass out.
Butwasitherdriveway · 04/04/2021 14:59

Not everyone does though, and it sounds like emotions were heightened.

I really struggle with all those people who would kick their partner out so easily. If this happened to my partner I'd be more bloody concerned about him than ready to prove how right I am.

And as for the kids, they also need to know people make mistakes and can be redeemed. You don't want to set them up for a lifetime of being so bloody RIGHT.

Butwasitherdriveway · 04/04/2021 15:00

[quote shouldistop]@Butwasitherdriveway op said they've been together 30 years, not that they've been married for 30 years.

God I'd be furious if my dh was arrested, don't know how I'd move on tbh. So irresponsible. [/quote]
Aw cheers.

Livpool · 04/04/2021 15:00

I would be really angry but as a one-off I am shocked at people saying LTB. Throwing away a 30 year old relationship for someone being stupid and not hurting anyone seems over the top to me

BiBabbles · 04/04/2021 15:00

With the update: he got arrested near your house? I hope that didn't wake your kids to see that - just dealing with a parent who has been intoxicated and arrested with this type of unexplained gap can mess with your head as a kid.

Having been in the kids' situation, YANBU to be upset at this irresponsible behaviour. It depends on a lot of factors with your children's development and personalities, but I'd recommend you and your partner at least letting the children ask questions and try to give them honest age-appropriate explanations for what is going on, especially the 9-year-old who noticed and may have overheard enough to have concerns. They may have different worries, but for me around that age it was wanting to know what happened and is likely going to happen (I'd guess in this case it's paying the fine), and some explanation of why which can only come from him.

Butwasitherdriveway · 04/04/2021 15:01

@BiBabbles

With the update: he got arrested near your house? I hope that didn't wake your kids to see that - just dealing with a parent who has been intoxicated and arrested with this type of unexplained gap can mess with your head as a kid.

Having been in the kids' situation, YANBU to be upset at this irresponsible behaviour. It depends on a lot of factors with your children's development and personalities, but I'd recommend you and your partner at least letting the children ask questions and try to give them honest age-appropriate explanations for what is going on, especially the 9-year-old who noticed and may have overheard enough to have concerns. They may have different worries, but for me around that age it was wanting to know what happened and is likely going to happen (I'd guess in this case it's paying the fine), and some explanation of why which can only come from him.

Given that OP didn't know whst happened until now, no her kids didn't see it.

This is so OTT. The children do not need to know any of this.

Whatwouldscullydo · 04/04/2021 15:02

I'm no paragon of virtue, but I have never passed out at a mate's. I have been pretty drunk in my time but I have an off switch which operates before I pass out

Plus most people grow out of that stuff. What u do when young and responsibility free is one thing.

When you have responsibilities, and such actions could cost you your job, or cause problems witg your spouses job ( I.mean u try calling In sick at short notice because your husband/wife is too hungover to look after your children, and see how well that goes down) , you are supposed to be an.adult.

Sansaplans · 04/04/2021 15:02

Wow all the paragons of virtue, never got drunk on a night out, passed out at a mates. The arrest is unfortunate but this is hardly the crime of the century.

Yes drunk and crashed at a mates unplanned before children and having other people to think of beside myself, and funny enough managed to not be arrested. I wouldn't say that would make anyone a paragon of virtue, just not a selfish and immature child.