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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP didn't come home AIBU to be Pissed off?

551 replies

ShutUpaYourFace · 04/04/2021 07:51

So yesterday DP went off at 3pm to a socially distanced wake/bbq. His friends DP passed away, the funeral is soon but limited. This is a group of men that haven't got together since the pandemic. I understand they have a lot to catch up on so on, but he said it was just an afternoon thing outside. We have 2 children so about midnight I went to bed. It's now nearly 8am and he still hasn't returned. No text, no call. I'm pissed off. It has happened before and always leads to an argument. I just can't forgive the lack of respect towards myself and the kids.
AIBU? would you be pissed off too?

OP posts:
Outbutnotoutout · 04/04/2021 13:59

Must be slightly more to it, they would have tried taking him home first, custody is a last resort.

FreshFancyFrogglette · 04/04/2021 14:01

Sorry just seen that he does have the discharge papers. Guess he's telling the truth... It still doesn't look great. Hope u get some resolution.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/04/2021 14:01

Wow, so many people on this thread whose bar must be set really low. Mature people discuss with their partner if they think it might be a long one, given the bereavement circumstances. As we're in lockdown then presumably mature people would also then have a conversation about overnight stay rules and what their thoughts were on breaking that restriction (giving the bereavement).

Re the arrest. If it was only midnight then it wasn't even that late at all, was it? Therefore I find it really really hard to comprehend why he'd think it acceptable to refuse his offer of a notification phone call. What was his motivation for that? He must have known that if he was going to be kept in the cell all night then you'd need to know his whereabouts? Police may even have allowed OP to pick him up.

Drunk and disorderly. How embarrassing. It brings to mind Frank Gallagher from Shameless. He could have wandered into the road or something or been slumped on the pavement passed out.

Dontbeme · 04/04/2021 14:02

I don't know if I would believe his version of events OP, whatever has happened I hope you and the DC are okay and you can have a peaceful day today.

SionnachGlic · 04/04/2021 14:02

At least he was headed for home before the clock struck midnight! I'd be v annoyed...but relieved too that it wasn't something worse. A caution & a fine is waaay better than a court date. Maybe he's had the leeson he needed now & keep any future night's out more tame. Do the kids know....?

Tinacollada · 04/04/2021 14:03

The only lesson this bloke will have learned is to continue taking the piss

Greenrubber · 04/04/2021 14:04

Some people just can't handle their drink
You will laugh about this in time

BRB2021 · 04/04/2021 14:04

Wow how disrespectful to the person they were meant to be remembering at the wake. To get so rat arsed you dont even remember what you did and spent the night in a police cell?!! Unbelievable

lilmishap · 04/04/2021 14:05

@Tinacollada

And to the previous posters why is this not a "big deal" ?

Should the OP teach her children this is ok? Fucking hell.

He got pissed it's not a big deal,. he didn't intend to get nicked and is likely full of regret about it. As for teaching the kids he was arrested, I think that sends a pretty clear "This is not OK" message.
bloodywhitecat · 04/04/2021 14:07

I'd be pissed off but I don't think I'd be throwing away a 30 year relationship over one night. Yes, he was a dick but on the whole it seems he is a good person?

Tistheseason17 · 04/04/2021 14:07

You're not getting the whole story, OP.

Police would take him the few yards home rather than arrest him - something happened.

He probably took a wizz on someone's wall... or worse!

Charged, bailed or released without charge?

Tinacollada · 04/04/2021 14:08

Well if you're ok to tell your children "daddy got arrested" we are not on the same ground

billy1966 · 04/04/2021 14:10

@Tinacollada

What a crock of shit.

He can support his bereaved mate without making a total arse of himself and letting his family down

Absolutely.

At 45 he has a habit of going out every so often and getting into a dreadful state and OP just sucks it up.

Easter morning and she can't answer the question to her son as to where his father is, having left the house at 3pm yesterday.

Turns out he has done something that necessitates him being held overnight.

Obviously this isn't a shocker for a lot of people but it will be for some.

Poor OP and poor children being reared in that environment.

Jeremy Kyle territory.

I hope the OP has support IRL.

Felifox · 04/04/2021 14:10

Glad he's home and you get to be mad at him. It maybe that as he'd been out drinking during the pandemic the police made an issue of it to teach him a lesson or they felt he was unsafe walking home.

SheldonesqueIsAlmostHuman · 04/04/2021 14:17

I’m a suspicious auld cow surely. That isn’t ringing quite true to me. What else was he doing to get lifted?

Sorry OP.

It isn’t something I’d be putting up with.

FortniteBoysMum · 04/04/2021 14:17

Yes he should have communicated with you but his friends partner recently died so I'm guessing as men with drink involved they didn't think. Personally I would let this one slide. Under normal circumstances I would be fuming but I know if I was in the friends shoes I would not want my friends to leave me alone. He was being a supportive friend. Made his a chappy husband for not calling but I think his reasoning is valid on this occasion.

FortniteBoysMum · 04/04/2021 14:18

Him a crappy

Sansaplans · 04/04/2021 14:18

Have you read the updates @FortniteBoysMum

Notimeforaname · 04/04/2021 14:19

So he doesnt remember anything except that he was thoughtful enough not to ring home when given the option as it was late and that would be unfair to you Hmm right ok.

ALWAYS question when someone can remember nothing...except something 'good' they did. Moron

HowManyToes · 04/04/2021 14:21

@Butwasitherdriveway

It does favour women!

Men are automatically the worst thing ever and throw them out.

If a woman posted this, the responses would be poor OP drunk and emotional over her friend clearly needs help.

Like fuck it would! If a woman was posting she’d be getting torn to shreds. Man or woman , I’m appalled that anyone’s reaction to supporting their friend through a terrible time is to get so plastered they don’t know what they’re doing and end up arrested and fined!
middleeasternpromise · 04/04/2021 14:22

Maybe don't get mad, if that's what usually happens - he behaves completely irresponsibly, you seethe and get angry, he makes it even worse by not contacting you when he could; you stew on it; he shows up all sheepish and I don't know what happened; you lecture/rant/perform the disappointment. But he does it again - admittedly not for a while but ....

What would you want him to do instead? If you want him to sort it out maybe he needs to be asked to do that - I really like the no going to sleep rule !! Natural consequences.

Tinacollada · 04/04/2021 14:23

"Let it slide" ?!

Wtf are we teaching our children ?

The only acceptable thing to do in this already awful situation would be face up and call the OP, and protect the children from it.

But he didn't even do that.

SionnachGlic · 04/04/2021 14:23

I'd be hoping to avoid telling kids too...or them finding out. It might just give them licence to get rat arsed & banged up themselves given the example set by daddy. But they were asking where he was, then he ph'd from the nick...so maybe they overheard something then or since he came home. I agree with earlier poster...cops would usually escort if only a few yards from home...so maybe he got mouthy with them (the disorderly bit)? He's a bad example, whatever else he is...

PerspicaciousGreen · 04/04/2021 14:24

Midnight's too late to ring and say he's not lying dead in a ditch somewhere? Jog on, mate.

Alsohuman · 04/04/2021 14:26

At 45 he has a habit of going out every so often and getting into a dreadful state and OP just sucks it up

No he doesn’t. OP says it’s happened on a couple of occasions in the last ten years. That isn’t a habit, it’s isolated incidents.

Turns out he has done something that necessitates him being held overnight.

Which currently could be something very minor. People are getting arrested for very small infringements of covid law in some parts of the country. Or he could have been held overnight for his own safety until he sobered up.

If he was a raging alcoholic I could understand. I used to be married to one and would far have preferred him to spend a night in the cells to coming home. This is a guy who gets off his face a couple of times a decade.

Massive overreaction.