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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feel nothing for day old baby, feel like I’ve made a massive mistake

124 replies

Namechange4Apr · 04/04/2021 01:22

I’m scared, I feel nothing towards her and just want it to be us and our little boy again. He is so amazing and perfect, I wasn’t that bothered about another really but we wanted him to have a sibling. Now she is here and I think I might have made a huge mistake. Not that there is really anything I can do about it now. I feel so detached.

OP posts:

BringBackDoves · 04/04/2021 01:28

Oh it’s so early and you’ve gone through birth! I don’t think I really felt emotional love for my son until he was a few weeks old. I also felt guilty for my oldest when my youngest was born. They’re like a stranger suddenly appearing in your family and I found it hard. But they love each other so much now and my eldest can’t remember life without his little bro.

Congratulations on your new baby!

SionnachGlic · 04/04/2021 01:29

One day old...give yourself a chance OP...you are recovering from labour & likely exhausted too. I'm sure it feels overwhelming but it will be fine. If this feeling persists though, talk to someone you trust & don't feel bad about it.

Verytired2019 · 04/04/2021 01:30

Hi, sorry you’re feeling this way it is very scary isn’t it? I had a similar feeling after bringing my second home last year and for a few hours felt like he didn’t belong in the house. He cried whilst I put him down to meet my daughter after a week in hospital and I felt annoyed that he was interrupting (seems odd now!) my reunion with my first. I told my partner, told a friend and told the community midwife next day and had a good cry. I felt much better the next day. But for that evening I was so worried I was going mad.
I really do think it was hormones/tiredness.

Sometimes voicing your worries out loud to someone close helps and do speak to the com midwives. It may pass quickly or may take time but keep talking.

Verytired2019 · 04/04/2021 01:31

(When I say I had a good cry - I was pretty hysterical - thinking I had some sort of postnatal psychosis. I didn’t. I was exhausted!)

Ashard20 · 04/04/2021 01:35

My daughter in law felt like that when she was on her way in to hospital to have her second child. It's normal to wish that things stay the same because they are so special and lovely and familiar. Give yourself time to adjust. You would expect your little boy to need some time to make this massive adjustment. It isn't unusual that you might need it too. At the moment your baby feels like an interloper into your little established family unit. Try to think of it as always having had a little space just waiting for her to fill it. You have just given your son the incredible gift of a sibling - perhaps just try to hang onto that for now.

WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself · 04/04/2021 01:35

It can take time. Go easy on yourself. It’s very common to fear the change to your adored first child brought about by the arrival of a second, and even to resent it at times.

The love will come and won’t suffer for being delayed or a bit more complicated than the love you felt first time around. Your baby daughter won’t know. No damage will be done.

If your feelings threaten to become overwhelming, then confide in a midwife or your GP as a small percentage of new mothers can experience very sudden and severe post-partum psychosis. I very much doubt that’s happening to you, it doesn’t sound like it, however in the very unlikely event it did happen, it wouldn’t be your fault or choice; it’s an acute medical event.

Congratulations on your baby 💐

StillMedusa · 04/04/2021 02:02

Go easy on yourself. It will come.
I didn't bond with no 2 til he was 4 months old.. was just going through the motions of taking care of him, then one day I suddenly realised that I loved him! I did have PND too.
I went on to have four in the end, and of all of them, he's probably the one I am closest to! It will come. I didn't feel overwhelming love for 3/4 of mine at first (no 3 I did weirdly )

blubberball · 04/04/2021 05:09

I think that this is more normal than most people would care to admit, and you're brave for speaking up here.

I had my second baby, and he was rushed into intensive care where he stayed for 9 nights. When we brought him home, I was breastfeeding him and going through the motions, but my 3 year old was so full on that my baby just felt like this little blobby thing in the corner for a while. I felt terrible and guilty for feeling this way. I have depression too. As he grew and got more personality etc, my love for him grew and grew.

Be kind on yourself and give it time.

Soubriquet · 04/04/2021 05:11

Please don’t panic

That rush of love doesn’t always happen especially with a first born

I was traumatised by my first birth and I didn’t get that love.

Instead it gradually built up

partofyoupoursoutofme · 04/04/2021 05:42

Oh love I also felt like this, my second felt like a stranger and I was so worried I'd made a huge mistake.
She is now 14 months old and I love her just as much as the older one. It's strange to remember how I felt when she was born.
Go easy on yourself, it will all come eventually, and you are totally normal. Sending love and solidarity xxx

CloudFormations · 04/04/2021 05:55

Don’t worry love - you’ve just been through birth, you’re exhausted, your hormones are all over the place. It might take a few days for your feelings to settle.

If this feeling persists beyond a few days it may be worth speaking to your HV about the possibility of PND, but for now just be gentle with yourself and let your feelings settle.

Thatnameistaken · 04/04/2021 06:21

I had my baby at home (by choice), i had a happy pregnancy, the labour and birth was fairly straight forward, but the moment she was popped on my stomach I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I couldn't do this.
I went up into the bath and all I could think was WTF had I done? The first week, that realisation that my life as I knew it was over, the person that I was days previously was gone and I was somebody different now, the pressure to feel that overwhelming love that just wasn't there.
But with support from my parter and HV I got myself together and grew to love my daughter fiercely and to accept my new role.

Talk to people, be honest with them , let them help you. It will get better I promise.

nohelp · 04/04/2021 06:26

Oh don’t be hard on yourself. Your not alone and I’ve been their as well. It’s too soon and you need time. It’s exhausting. I was so sleep deprived and detached. I struggled feeding and was too hard on myself. For the first two weeks I struggled with my emotions.
Everything feel into place eventually.

dueindecember10 · 04/04/2021 07:20

I think a lot of pressure is put on people to feel that "thunderbolt moment". It wasn't like that for me. I went through the motions but it wasn't until some weeks later that I felt the rush of love I was expecting.
It is ok to feel scared. Speak to those close to you and be open and honest. Be kind to yourself x

Katyy · 04/04/2021 07:27

Very normal to feel this way, be kind to yourself. Your very tired and probably feel detached and just going through the motions. Just focus on the good things in your life and comfort yourself with the fact that very soon you are going to love your little girl just as much as your little boy. Having another baby is the best gift ever for your little boy.

MerryDecembermas · 04/04/2021 07:27

DC1 was 3 when DC2 arrived and I feel like I barely engaged with her until she learned to crawl. Lockdown didn't help, no activities or groups to entertain the 3yo. DC2 got plonked on a playmat much more than I felt comfortable with. But we made it through and she is completely fine, hitting all milestones etc. It's so full on having 2. No one told me how full on or how hard I'd find it. The emotions are complex. Give yourself time and get support IRL to recover and adjust.

Gerla · 04/04/2021 07:31

Please don't worry. It's very normal. I remember crying when I picked up dd from the hospital to take her home as I didn't want the responsibility. I was exhausted. I love her to bits now. It will come.

Timeforabiscuit · 04/04/2021 07:38

It took around 3 months for what I would call proper fierce love to develop for dd1, with dd2 I could barely look at her for the first couple of days until everything clicked.

It is gruelling going through the physicality of pregnancy and labour, let alone the emotional dynamics - its a massive change, so entirely natural for you to feel all over the place.

Please cut yourself some slack, rest and recover as much as you can, it will all come good

Loveacheekysausage · 04/04/2021 07:42

**I think that this is more normal than most people would care to admit, and you're brave for speaking up here.

I agree with this. Not boards talk about an overwhelming rush of love etc and I didn’t have that for my first. My friend didn’t have it either, but over time it developed.

Don’t forget your hormones are everywhere, you are exhausted and it’s overwhelming. Give yourself time and speak with your partner for support. I’d also make sure that your midwife knows before you’re discharged - I had an extra month of midwife support when I was home and she had a mental health qualification/experience, so was able to give a touch more support during the first few months.

SmednotaSmoo · 04/04/2021 07:43

I chose the fake it until you make it approach and then realised I wasn’t faking it anymore. It will come, eventually, but you are not alone.

Maudythebudgie · 04/04/2021 07:43

Another one here who didn't feel the rush of love, it happened over time. I think it's more common than people talk about. Take care x

eatsleepread · 04/04/2021 07:48

Oh, you poor love. I promise it will get better. I felt this way when my youngest child was born; I just wanted my older two as they were familiar and not scary or new!
It's still so early and what you're feeling is natural. It will pass though.
All the best, OP

BendingSpoons · 04/04/2021 07:51

First time round the rush of love was instant and overwhelming. Second time round I was more focused on getting home to my eldest.

They are 2 and 5 now and adore each other (mostly!) and we adore them both equally.

PerspicaciousGreen · 04/04/2021 07:53

It happens all the time. I had to learn to love my son and my daughter. With my first I had awful PPD/PPA and it took months of counselling but now he's the light of my life. So when I didn't fall madly in love with my second I knew it was OK and I'd just have to work at it. I did, and now she's wonderful.

CertainGecko · 04/04/2021 09:06

I had my second recently. Her second night of life, she was taken away to spend the night in neonatal, without me, for further observation. My main worry was not being able to get home so soon for my eldest, even though it was my newborn ill in neonatal. I think sometimes we're just so used to being DC1's mother that it takes a while for our feelings to catch up and include DC2 in with that. We're so used with putting our only child above everyone else including our own needs that that instinct can still be there after the birth of the second.

For me it passed quickly and I developed a strong bond with DC2 no problem. And I developed another form of love, watching the two interact. Hopefully it will happen naturally for you too but if not, speak to someone, you just need a bit of support. Your feelings will be all over the place for a while!

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