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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feel nothing for day old baby, feel like I’ve made a massive mistake

124 replies

Namechange4Apr · 04/04/2021 01:22

I’m scared, I feel nothing towards her and just want it to be us and our little boy again. He is so amazing and perfect, I wasn’t that bothered about another really but we wanted him to have a sibling. Now she is here and I think I might have made a huge mistake. Not that there is really anything I can do about it now. I feel so detached.

OP posts:
TheKeatingFive · 03/05/2021 21:52

I don’t think most people feel like this.

Honestly? I think far more than will ever admit it do.

And Covid won’t be helping at all. It’s so isolating.

Trying to get out of the house everyday is a good first step. A short walk, nothing major. Will the baby nap in the pram?

DripdripdroplittleAprilshowers · 03/05/2021 22:04

I felt like this for a long while, less than 2 years between mine and I would say it lasted 3-4 months (not suggesting you should wait it out)

It does get easier, my youngest was a terrible sleeper, I would spend more time getting them to sleep than they actually slept. And the whole time I was trying to settle baby, I was worried that toddler was feeling abandonned, even though they were only in the next room. It was soul destroying.

But now they are 6 and 4 and best friends. I love them both with my whole heart and couldn't imagine life without them.

Speak to someone, don't be ashamed, it will get better.

Icannever · 03/05/2021 22:06

I think it’s hard to get used to having two for sure and I think covid has made doing normal everyday things and getting into a routine even harder. You can’t really go to baby or toddler groups easily etc.
I found it really helpful to meet up with other mums and we could help each other out but that’s harder now too
I second the idea of getting a sling, you can do loads with a baby in the sling. I had an ergo baby sling and it was great, easy to put on and comfy and the baby slept loads in it.

Like the idea of staying in bed reading books and cuddling too. We did lots of stuff like that when second one was tiny.

Try and get outside as much as possible as fresh air and exercise will help you all even if it’s the last thing you feel like doing

diamondpony80 · 03/05/2021 22:48

It’s too early to worry, most likely the feelings will grow as time goes on. Lots of people don’t feel anything at this stage. I remember when I gave birth and the midwife tried to hand DD to me I told her to give her to DH instead. I was well and truly traumatised after the birth and really didn’t want to hold her until I had to. The first few days really were about doing my duty as a parent - feeding, clothing, changing her etc. Once I’d been home for a few days and was feeling better and had time to myself to enjoy the experience the feelings grew. I love being a mother and my kids are the best things that ever happened to me. I just didn’t feel it straight away.

tiredgirl123 · 03/05/2021 23:28

I PROMISE it will change, hated my DS.. he wouldn't shut the fuck up, horrid birth, he was my 2nd, was too out of it 1st time, as he screeched his way through his 1st night out of my womb i really hated him, the nurse took him off me (i think i told him to STFU) .. hes now almost 22 and I can honestly say.. he is my heartbeat, as is his sister. Reckon it must be too many hormones, its going to be fine, you will be fine, not sure if this one ripped your nethers to shreds, or forced a surgical procedure.. of course you are feeling a bit.. ambivalent. Give yourself a break, mentally labour is all about preserving your life and theirs, thats a lot to handle. Some sleep, a good bath and quiet time.. i wish you so much better and many hugs!! Xx

Alondra · 04/05/2021 01:13

I think many posts while well intentioned are giving the OP a disservice.

Postpartum depression is real and can have serious consequences if left untreated. Many women will clear PPD a few months after birth, many others will continue to suffer for years and see the relationship with their child suffer because of it.

OP, you know something is off. Talk to your husband and family and find the time to get that counselling you've booked. I don't know if you've talked to your GP, but at least in Australia, women are strongly encouraged to see a doctor if you have concerns about how you feel after giving birth.

squeezingin · 04/05/2021 01:53

I felt like this, OP. I had stopped antidepressants during pregnancy and struggled on for a while. I fantasized about being in hospital for weeks on end, or about one or more children somehow just disappearing as if they’d never been there.

Your baby is a month old so even if you’ve upped your ADs since birth they might not have kicked in yet.

I second PP’s advice to get out just a little bit each day. One way I made this happen was by deciding to go at a particular time. If I hadn’t managed to get them dressed by then, I went anyway. As long as I was dressed-ish and everyone had a clean dry bum off we went. Sometimes to the park or just for a walk around the block. I gave up on taking changing bags and snacks and life was way easier. (Obviously I took a changing bag if going out for a long time, but not just to the v. close park.)

Definitely tell someone professional, but fingers crossed the ADs will kick in and help you fake it until you make it.

When the baby naps you probably want to instantly devote your attention to the toddler or the endless to-do list but try napping too, even if it means lying beside your DS as he plays and just dozing.

I noticed you said the baby isn’t even that difficult in terms of newborns, but they are still massive shocks to the system.

Be gentle with yourself. It is normal (even if it’s an “abnormal” normal that lasts longer or is more severe than it is for most), but normal doesn’t mean it will necessarily go away by itself. Babies are fucking hard. Talk to your GP and if they say it will get better by itself talk to someone else until you get help. Get as much help as you can, drop what you can. Can you invite people round? Just having other adults there helped me freak out less and sometimes they even folded a basket of washing! Plus they can hold the baby and let you cuddle DS.

Keep posting, OP. Flowers

caringcarer · 04/05/2021 02:25

You are most likely tired and site. Give yourself some sleep and s few days to feel less sore. Love will grow. I Less felt a bush of love when my milk came in on about day 3.

patchysmum · 04/05/2021 02:58

caringcarer
Have you read the thread it is a month since OP gave birth.
OP I would go back to the doctor maybe you need different anti depressants although they can take a while to kick in. Don't be ashamed or be scared of asking for help you will not get better suffering in silence

OwlBeThere · 04/05/2021 03:10

I was TERRIFIED when my second was born, he was such a tiny fragile thing and I had this toddler who seemed to grow a foot overnight into this terrifying monster and I didn’t ASD how I was ever going to be able to look after them both at the same time. I was so preoccupied with Doing Everything I didn’t stop to think if I loved him, it was just something I needed to take care of. I was in Tesco doing a full food shop 13 hours after his birth like a crazy person.
Then my mania faded pnd hit and it all went to hell for a good while, but then he needed surgery and It scared me and that’s when realised one day that I did love him. He was probably 8 weeks old at that point.

Igmum · 04/05/2021 03:54

Agree with PPs, see your GP OP. Is there anyone who could help you in real life and ease your load? Juggling a baby and a toddler is a massive task. Sending hugs Thanks

Bythemillpond · 04/05/2021 04:04

I think there are 2 fallacies that are perpetuated by film and tv and by women themselves surrounding pregnancy and childbirth
One is that when you have fallen pregnant even if you were trying that more people than they would admit to suddenly think to themselves what the hell have I done.

The other is that you will have this amazing rush of love for your baby when you have just given birth.

I think if women accepted the reality it might make them less worried that they don’t get the feeling of being over joyed that you see in films and might take the stress away when they don’t feel this way.

ThornAmongstRoses · 04/05/2021 07:14

Hi OP,

Like a previous poster said, I don’t think you keep being told that what you’re experiencing is “totally normal” is very helpful. Yes, many women struggle when they have a newborn but PND is also very real and can be very damaging if left untreated under the guise of thinking/being told that your feelings are “normal”.

You know in your heart that something isn’t right and you believe the way you are feeling isn’t normal and I think you need reassurance from us that you are doing the right thing to seek out support.

From what you have said I think you need to go back to your GP and ask for more professional support and maybe trial a different antidepressant.

Also, have you thought about looking into contacting a Postnatal Doula? They can be so beneficial in situation like yours.

Quincie · 04/05/2021 07:38

But the second is very different - the first is the new wonder arriving in your lives, when the second comes your life is probably more than full already with a lively toddler around. But is a lovely new sibling, child for your DH, and will be a lovely new child for you. Give it time.

Icannever · 04/05/2021 07:58

Sorry I didn’t mean to make it seem like it wasn’t a real problem, just to let you see that your not alone. I do think that you know how you feel best and seeing a gp and roping in any help at all you can get just now would be very wise. I know you say family is busy but maybe worth explaining how you feel to get some help.

PerspicaciousGreen · 04/05/2021 08:40

I concur that what you're describing isn't "normal", and needs to be treated by professionals. This is beyond "go out for a walk and buy some chocolate" level. But PND is experienced by many women who can be treated, get better, and be fabulous mothers to their children. I don't think I have scarred my son for life by spending a large portion of his first year wishing I would have a dreadful accident so someone else would look after him.

It's not normal but it is treatable. I took my baby to all my counselling sessions. (Admittedly only had the one then.) Sometimes he cried. Still worth doing. I would be very disappointed in a counsellor who responded to you saying that you had to bring your baby or not come (especially given its about your baby) by saying you couldn't come.

PerspicaciousGreen · 04/05/2021 08:42

Also, consider self-referring to Home Start if they're in your area. It was recommended to me but I never did (because in the throes of my depression I was too unworthy etc) and I really wish I had.

NewMinouMinou · 04/05/2021 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NewMinouMinou · 04/05/2021 08:58

Have asked for my post yo be deleted as just seen dates.

GameSetMatch · 04/05/2021 09:10

I felt exactly the same with DS1 I felt overwhelming doom and thought I’d made a huge mistake but time helped, he’s now 7 and I love him to bits!

Your hormones are all over the place, maybe speak to a midwife for some reassurance and support.

Ohdobequiet · 13/05/2021 23:40

Hope
You’re ok @Namechange4Apr

Teenagehorrorbag · 14/05/2021 00:24

My DTs were born by C-section a few weeks early, and taken to the NICU unit. I stayed a few days then had to go home. DH was working so we came each evening to see them, but I always felt a fraud because I didn't really feel anything. Everyone kept saying 'don't you want to spend all day with them?' - but actually I didn't. They were tube fed, in incubators and all we could do at first was look through the glass. Very dull. Obviously I was worried for their development etc but they were fine, just couldn't come home till they reached a certain weight.

I did slightly worry that I didn't feel any sort of real bond - but as soon as we got them home and met them properly I loved them to bits. You hear about the great surge of love etc but I'm not sure that always happens - mine was more of a gradual and lovely acceptance that these were most important things in my life ever! No thunderbolts.

But you have a DC already - so maybe are comparing the way you felt the first time with the second? I can't comment on that - but I'm sure there are a million experiences and none are wrong. As PPs have said, give yourself time. Hormones are also weird for a few weeks. Only if you still feel this way or feel you need help once things have settled, then please do talk to your HV - but hopefully you'll be totally fine by then! Congratulations!

Teenagehorrorbag · 14/05/2021 00:31

Sorry - hadn't read your later posts. Agree you should speak to someone, hope you can feel better about thing soon Flowers.

GroovyPeanut · 14/05/2021 00:34

It's been a very difficult year OP and it's a huge thing bringing a new little person into the World. It's very early days, you will be tired, getting over labour, and having to adapt to a new baby in your lives.
It's quite scary when we don't feel this rush of love that everyone says should happen. Sometimes it can take weeks/ month and even longer to bond and adapt.
I've had 8, everyone was very different. Just take one day at a time. If things do seem to be really upsetting you, then have a word with your Midwife or in time your Health Visitor.
Congratulations on your little girl. I hope things work out for you soon, and just add anymore time that it takes, if you need it.

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