Feel nothing for day old baby, feel like I’ve made a massive mistake

[Namechange4Apr]

I’m scared, I feel nothing towards her and just want it to be us and our little boy again. He is so amazing and perfect, I wasn’t that bothered about another really but we wanted him to have a sibling. Now she is here and I think I might have made a huge mistake. Not that there is really anything I can do about it now. I feel so detached.

Oh OP don’t worry! It’s such early days. You’ve essentially just been physically beaten up and now have this new, time consuming human to take care of when you must feel like absolute crap!
How did you feel when the baby was in your tummy? Did you love her then and speak to her? Just remember she’s the same little baby, you just get to meet her now. Give it time, once you get settled and she starts getting her own little personality you will start loving your new family unit.

Well, you could always pop her back in again...
I'm sure you'll change your mind, especially when you see her and your little boy all cuddled up together and adoring each other.

I'm glad if you're feeling a bit better today.

But please don't feel you have to pretend, here or anywhere.

It really isn't unusual at all & if women were more open about it, it would stop coming as a surprise to new mums!

Take care of yourself 🫖🍫 🍰

I never loved any of my children when they were born. I definitely learn to love them and it was very apparent with my second. I just didn’t like them as much my eldest but I had years together playing and bonding before hand. They are a stranger when they are first born and I definitely don’t have the rush of love.

Don’t panic! I promise it will come. It takes a while and plus newborns are boring and don’t really do much

I’m really sorry to say I still feel the same. Over 2 weeks old now and I wish I hadn’t done this :( just to make it worse DC1s behaviour has become difficult too, not towards the baby but being generally awkward or easily upset. I’m tired and snappy with him. What have I done. I can hear the baby crying downstairs now with my DH, I know I’m in for a rough night ahead and want to just run away to a nice quiet hotel somewhere where no one can find me.

Be really really kind to yourself. You are fine and this is normal- many many women feel the same. Are you bottle or breast feeding? If bottle feeding can you ask DH to do feeds tonight - you have a hot bath and get some proper rest?? Even if you are breastfeeding would you consider formula for one night so you can look after yourself?

The hormone crash after birth is so tough! Be kind to yourself, you're absolutely normal and have nothing to be ashamed of! Keep being open about your feelings, don't keep things bottled up. Going from one to two is tough so give yourself a break

Hi OP
I felt an instant rush of love with my first, but my second clawed her way out of me (literally) and seemed really angry at me, didn't sleep, didn't eat, and was just generally tough and I was upset about how much it impacted on the older child, I felt like I'd ruined her life a bit. And mine. I think it was maybe around 10 weeks before I felt like I loved her, around when she started smiling. I still felt for a while after wards that having a second was maybe a bad idea in hindsight but now I wouldnt change her for the world, she is hilarious and fascinating and actually I've enjoyed the toddler stage so much. And she is 'best friends' with her sibling. They are 6 and 3 now and have been sharing a bed for a 'treat' over the holidays and made each other laugh a lot.
I'm sure it will get better for you, just dont put any pressure on yourself. And if you don't feel any different in a few weeks then it's fine to get a little bit of help, but either way you wont feel like this forever.

I remember the first couple of days after having DS, I would go into the bedroom and cry thinking what the hell have I done.

He was an incredibly difficult baby. We know now that was because he's autistic but for months I genuinely felt as though he didn't like me and wouldn't take to me at all. It was very hard to bond and I felt like I'd ruined my life.

3 years later and I'm utterly obsessed with him (and him me, finally!)

DD came along 15 months after DS and again there was no instant bond. I was very ill with sepsis after having her and needed blood transfusions for a huge hemmorage.

I remember being laid in the HDU all wired up on a heart monitor and drips, my OH came into the room beaming telling me that her bloods were clear and she didn't have the same nasty infection that I had. All that crossed my mind was "what about ME?!"

I still beat myself up for that now.

It took a good few weeks but I totally fell in love with her. I look at her now in awe every day of what a beautiful and clever little girl she is. I feel so incredibly proud and blessed to be her mother.

We're expecting #3 now and I'm bracing myself for a similar experience (not feeling the bond immediately) and that's ok, because I know for sure it will come.

Speak to your husband and midwife, if things don't improve then speak to your GP. You might need a bit of help but rest assured this will pass and one day, not too long away, you will love your baby so much.

Be kind to yourself - it’s tough with a new baby and a toddler. Really tough. And you’ve given birth so recently. Give yourself some time and give everyone else some time. I can honestly say that one of the highlights of motherhood for me was watching my two together and seeing the bond between them develop and grow. That will come with your little boy and his new sister. Better times will come.

Oh man I felt like this so much with DS2. I thought he was ugly and dull and people were placating me by saying nice things about him took me about 5 week to think actually you're alright. He is now taller than me and the bloody most gorgeous lad in the world and I love every acne filled bit of him. Don't worry so Very very normal

Definitely took me a few months with my second pregnancy. Just didn't feel like i bonded or that i knew him. Also felt resentful that he took time away from my other ds. I'm sure you'll be fine but raise is with hv. I had a good one and was super honest.

It'll be ok, this time will pass sooner than you think, and you'll come out the other end ok. They're only small for a very short while and then things improve. It won't be like this forever.

@Holly60

Be really really kind to yourself. You are fine and this is normal- many many women feel the same. Are you bottle or breast feeding? If bottle feeding can you ask DH to do feeds tonight - you have a hot bath and get some proper rest?? Even if you are breastfeeding would you consider formula for one night so you can look after yourself?

@Holly60 I have already given up BFing :( and DH did a night shift over the weekend. Baby is actually doing very well really in terms of sleep. I still feel like this, which makes me feel even more horrible and ungrateful- it’s not even like I’m having a terrible time of it in newborn terms.

How are you doing @Namechange4Apr? I hope things have got a bit easier for you. Have you managed to get some rest and recuperate? How's your older one getting on?

I’ve never felt a rush of love for any of mine. I felt pretty much the same as you, just nothing really. My first was the worst, it took months for me to fall in love with him. The love for my children came over time but wasn’t instant with any of them.

Don’t be hard on yourself. Xx

Am not sure where to put this so carrying on the same thread. I’m not really feeling much better. Still very detached. Baby is now going through a phase of crying all the time. My toddler is now upset by it and by my absence of attention trying to deal with it. He needs a structured, active day and we are just bumbling along and he hates it. I feel like I’m sleepwalking and I know what things I need to do to make it better but I just sit there blank. I need to get out and do more activities with them, get back to going to the shops etc but I just can’t face it. My to do list is mounting up and up and all I can do is online shopping. Which I then feel guilty about. I need to get myself together for my little boy and in the hope things will get better with the baby. I did sort out a referral for counselling but when am I meant to do that? No family nearby that has the time (or wants to have the time) to take them. The days DS is in nursery I’m trying to desperately get baby into some kind of better routine. She doesn’t nap well at all in the day and I can’t do it with a screaming baby/toddler in my ear. So not happened.

Does anyone have any ideas of a routine I could use with both of them to try to get in a better frame of mind? I feel like I need an expert in childcare to come and tell/show me what to do to be better because I sure as hell am making a mess of it so far. I really don’t think I’m cut out for this. I sometimes think I’d be better walking away now as they are so small they wouldn’t remember me so it wouldn’t upset them long term. I’ve upped my anti depressants a lot but just seems to be making me even more robotic on the outside.

Oh love your hormones will be rocketing right now. Try not to put any demands on yourself in terms of how you 'should' feel and just concentrate on looking after yourself and your little ones and giving them both lots of cuddles. Your feelings will be more normal once your body settles down. It is so normal to feel absolutely shellshocked after birth.

I don’t think most people feel like this. Sadly.

Sorry last comment probably reads badly - I meant ‘sadly’ in that I don’t think this is easy to pass away or normal. Not sad as in people should feel like this or I want more people to feel this way.

Ah bless you I think this is super normal. I found it really hard to adjust from one to two. I swung between being frustrated with my 2year old being themselves whilst I was trying to deal with newborn, and with newborn for not giving me even ten minutes to get some 1-2-1 with 2 year old. Biiiig adjustment, baby steps, sending hugs xx

Don't have time to write a proper reply, but can't you take the baby to counselling while the toddler's at nursery? Or do it remotely by phone/Zoom?

You can get through this. I used to feel just as you do with my first baby. I thought he'd be better off being adopted by someone capable who actually cared. It took a long time and much support but I came out the other side and barely recognise the mum I was then.

Ok you are really not making a mess! This isnt a professional routine by any means but just incase noone better comes along it might give you a kind of realistic framework?

All wake up and have cuddles, books, cartoons in bed to start the day off to a relaxed start.

Propose a small outing each morning to yourself, whether it be to the shops to buy some bread or for a fifteen minute visit to the swings. Try getting bags with spare clothes, snacks etc made up the night before so it doesn't seem so overwhelming in the morning.

The only way that I found to get 1-2-1 time with my eldest was by putting my baby in a stretchy wrap as she would cry whenever put down. In the wrap I could guarantee a good half and a half nap at least.

Do small, easy to set up at home activities with your eldest, not every day has to be disney! Could let him wash his toys in the sink/bath with lots of bubbles, cut some fruit up together and put it in funny ways on the plate for a snack, put a blanket over some chairs as a den and let him fill it with his books/teddies etc.

If possible keep one step ahead of them both with food/feeding, dry bums and settling to sleep. Its easier to catch before them get grouchy but can be harder to come back from a big show of dramatics over one of the above!

Sending you lots of hugs, be calm and don't be too hard on yourself, you're getting through each day!

I was like this with my first for a long time. Would imagine putting my things in a bag and just leaving. Or driving into a wall.
Tell your GP or your HV/MW what is going on. Your anti depressants are not doing what they should.

Not read the whole thread, but have you seen your G.P or health visitor?
It’s still early days, I took a good few months before the sheer exhaustion subsided and I enjoyed my baby. It will come eventually, but it could take a fairly long time.