Feel nothing for day old baby, feel like I’ve made a massive mistake

[Namechange4Apr]

I’m scared, I feel nothing towards her and just want it to be us and our little boy again. He is so amazing and perfect, I wasn’t that bothered about another really but we wanted him to have a sibling. Now she is here and I think I might have made a huge mistake. Not that there is really anything I can do about it now. I feel so detached.

When child #1 arrived I had that rush of hormones that made me feel like a tiger, ready to defend my young. I expected the same thing with child #2, and when it didn't happen I felt like I was a terrible mother. In reality, I went into the labour exhausted as I was huge, overdue and also looking after a toddler. I then had a 15 hour labour, an emergency c-section, went into shock afterwards, and was on morphine. If I'd been rational, I'd have known it was completely normal. It took months to feel the same, but now he is my adored boy.

How are you doing OP? I hope previous posters have helped reassure you that it can be completly normal how you're feeling. Be easy on yourself, these are such early days and your body has just been through so much

OP, it will come I promise you.

I remember when they lay DD on my chest and my first thought was “That’s it?”. I felt guilty and horrible and like a complete piece of shit for days afterwards. The birth wasn’t particularly traumatic either.

It was gradual for me and by the time she was a month old I’d have died for her.

I can remember thinking what the fuck have I done when two of my DCs were born. It was a shock to feel like that as it was instant, overpowering love with DC1. The process of falling in love with the others and being aware of it happening was lovely... a bit like thawing out after the cold and getting warm again!

Oh darling please be easy on yourself. You've just given birth and your hormones are going absolutely nuts right now. Giving birth is so hard and it's ok not to feel brilliant afterwards. I mean? You've just been in extreme pain, cut yourself some slack. Give yourself a few days, if you feel the same behind that please seek help. And think of how much your son is gonna absolutely adore his little sister. There is nothing like sibling love. Take care

[quote shouldistop]@WhoWants2Know god yeah, when my first was born I just 'knew' him instantly. I'm still getting to know ds2 now after 4 months although the bond has grown. [/quote]
See it was the opposite for me. DC1 - "what the fuck have I done", took a long time to get to know her.

DC2 - instant love

Nothing to die tho the children and looking back everything to do with my births and situations at the time. It's so scary though, I can barely think back on it without getting very anxious

My first I had no “rush of love”. I recognised that she was a cute, dependent newborn, and that it was my “duty” to do my best by her. But that was about all I felt for her, and I didn’t have a traumatic birth or anything.

It got better as time went on, and I’m really pretty fond of her now 🥰. Relax, don’t overthink, give yourself permission to recover and relax.

Go easy on yourself OP!
You've just given birth, you're exhausted and full of hormones. Just focus on taking care of yourself and your baby. The feelings will come in good time.

I had four planned children and felt everything you are 'supposed 'to feel. Nine years later, I had an unplanned baby and I think I possibly had mild prenatal depression due to the circumstances. When he was born, and for several days after, I felt quite numb. It really worried me at first until I imagined someone trying to harm him. I immediately had the same instinct as I'd had with my other babies and knew I'd do anything in the world to protect him. So, I decided to wait and see, and sure enough the usual maternal feelings kicked in after a few weeks. I'd never in a million years have thought that would happen to me, after such good experiences with my first children.

Be kind to yourself. As long as you have protective instincts towards this baby, I doubt there's too much to worry about. If you don't have those, then ask for help. No one will judge.

it will be okay I promise

This is so so so so common, but rarely talked about.
Not everyone gets that first wave of love, not everyone gets it with each child.

I remember feeling like my little one wasn't really mine for weeks, I felt like I was the babysitter. Love came with time.

Hi OP

I was like this, for the first few weeks i felt like if someone said there’s a nice family who would have your baby I would of agreed. I didn’t feel that instant love, instant protection yes but not love.

And now I report that I’m completely obsessed with my now toddler and stare at pictures of her while she’s in bed.

Give it time, be kind to yourself reach out if needed xxxx

Thank you, you are all so kind and have made me feel so much better. I think things are improving slowly too, have found myself speaking to her a bit more and we had a nice cuddle this morning.

It’s normal. As you can see lots of us didn’t get ‘the rush’ of emotion

When I went through this ( with a non stop carrying baby ) My friend suggested that every time I picked baby up say out loud ‘ I love you ‘ ‘ I’m glad you’re here’ ‘ I’m glad your part of our family’

I though it was ridiculous tbh but I did it and it worked those feeling did come

And they will fit you too

Hey OP, I can see you've had lots of support here but I just wanted to add my own 2 cents.
I have four children and only experienced an immediate loving bond with one of them (the last one, weirdly enough). With the others it took a little time to adjust.
With DC2 I can honestly tell you on reflection I didn't feel any loving feelings towards her for about 2 weeks and I actually told my mum I didn't want her anymore. I had so, so wanted her but when she arrived i felt like she'd ruined the little "gang" I have with my first child and she didn't fit in 🤷‍♀️ Absolutely adore all of them now and I wonder how I ever felt the way I did.
Those immediate postpartum weeks can be totally wild emotionally.
Take care and be patient with yourself

So glad you are feeling a little better OP. This is definitely more common than people let on. I'd have quite happily given DS1 away during first few days. Questioned the decision we'd made to have a child. I felt so detached from him. I genuinely couldn't understand mums who talked about instant overwhelming love. Took me 2 weeks before i began to love him.

I realise now it was my body's mechanism to help me heal and recuperate.

It's not talked about, amd possibly worse now than 14 years ago,.with social media and the portrayal of perfect mums.

Stay in there, get well yourself. Speak to midwife / health visitor too. All the best OP. X

I felt exactly the same when my DD was born. I never had the rush of love that women seem to be expected to feel. It was a gradual thing, and I love her now more than I could ever explain. Every day I seemed to love her a little bit more. Give yourself time - your hormones will still be all over the place

I didn't have a 'rush' of love for either of my children when they were born, and I didn't expect to (I knew I was never the 'love at first sight' type). Not loving them straight away did feel more awkward with DS2 though, as I madly loved DS1 by then and I felt resentful at all the time I was missing out on with him while constantly feeding DS2. It didn't take very long for me for fall in love with DS2 too though - he is completely perfect to me now. Watching him and DS1 play in the bath together every night is one of the happiest moments of my day. You'll get there OP

I think this is quite normal. When you have your first you feel quite attached immediately but I think when you have your second, that initial newborn bond can sort of pale in comparison to the deeper long term bond that has built up with your older one. Give it time OP.

As all the other PPs have said, sounds totally normal to me too. I fell in love with one of my DC over time, really didn't get the instant love with them, but did with the other. I love them both equally now, give yourself time

Takes a while to get your head round the whole thing doesn't it! Think it all improves after the first ten days when the baby blues start to lift.

I didn't have the rush of love. I remember wailing to DH when DS was about three weeks old, "I just wish someone would take him away and not bring him baaaaaaaack!"

I was just exhausted and overwhelmed. We got through it and it wasn't long before I adored him. You are normal and a good mum and everything you feel is normal and will pass.

So glad it’s improving! 🥰

Throughout the night last night I was begrudging having to look after the baby and the pain I’m in from the birth and BF, I seem to feel resentful towards her for it, it’s not her fault.

It's not yours either.

She won't remember this, you are caring for her that's what she needs at the moment.

This is probably why rich women used to employ wet nurses.

I remember feeling exactly the same, my DS was a couple of days old and DH was comforting him and I felt so sad because I wanted DH to snuggle and comfort ME! I didn't actually have PPD, it just took a week or so to feel like this was really my baby!