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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel nothing for day old baby, feel like I’ve made a massive mistake

124 replies

Namechange4Apr · 04/04/2021 01:22

I’m scared, I feel nothing towards her and just want it to be us and our little boy again. He is so amazing and perfect, I wasn’t that bothered about another really but we wanted him to have a sibling. Now she is here and I think I might have made a huge mistake. Not that there is really anything I can do about it now. I feel so detached.

OP posts:
eatsleepread · 04/04/2021 14:24

You must be in such a daze. You're still in the very early stages, and it's weird and new and daunting.
Please post in a few days OP, to let us know how things are. But I hand-on-heart promise that you won't feel this way forever.

happytoday73 · 04/04/2021 14:31

After a long hard first birth I was disinterested other than wanting to know baby was OK... First few days I just functioned, looked after baby but nothing more... . Others seemed more emotional, connected and in love... I worried I wasnt meant to be a mother and shouldn't have had a baby...
... It came with time... Think I was just tired, shell shocked by birth and getting used to new reality...
It will with you too... Congratulations and good luck!

ladywithnomanors · 04/04/2021 14:34

Absolutely normal. It took me a couple of weeks to bond. Then I was besotted.

user1471462428 · 04/04/2021 14:40

My friend recently told me she felt no love for her second child till they were walking away from her to go into school. She always looked like an amazing, caring mum. It takes time but you will get there.

Alsohuman · 04/04/2021 14:45

My son was born on a Wednesday. I felt like you for days. Then the following Tuesday I picked him up and he nuzzled into my neck. That was it, I was in love.

Give it time. It will come.

ForensicFlossy · 04/04/2021 14:47

I felt nothing for my dd until she was 6 weeks old. Don't worry, what you are feeling is normal. It will change.

RBKB · 04/04/2021 14:47

I found my second baby really dull. Always yelling and colicky...then she smiled and I fell in love. You're very normal indeed there OP...give it time xxx

georgarina · 04/04/2021 14:48

Ah please don't worry!

I felt the same with my first - with my youngest sister when I was 13, I felt the 'rush of love' when I first saw her, and was fully expecting it'd be the same with my own. But I was actually quite overwhelmed and almost felt like I was just going through the motions when he was just born. It was more gradual but of course now I couldn't love him more.

I think part of it is that we judge ourselves and freak out when we don't react the way we think we should. It doesn't mean we're bad parents or don't love our babies. It's just overwhelming and can take time.

Original poster
Namechange4Apr · 04/04/2021 14:52

Thanks for the support it means a lot and makes me feel better that this perhaps will pass. I very reluctantly spoke to my husband about how I feel, he was brilliant. I just hope he doesn’t tell other family members with good intentions of helping me though, I’m so so ashamed of how I feel. Throughout the night last night I was begrudging having to look after the baby and the pain I’m in from the birth and BF, I seem to feel resentful towards her for it, it’s not her fault.

OP posts:
TheBabyAteMyBrain · 04/04/2021 14:53

I kept my 2nd born happy and alive for the first few months, purely because I had to. I didn't bond until he was over 3 months, then one night I had a crazy crying jag while watching him sleep. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I felt so grateful and thankful that he was mine.

I also googled/tried to work out if I could give him to SS and still keep ds1 from about a day old Blush

Enough4me · 04/04/2021 14:53

I felt a sense of anxiety and was detached from my first,
stressed that things felt wrong. It was around 6 months before I could fully let my guard down and love her. I loved my second after birth, but it was two weeks after that I suddenly felt a real rush of love when looking at him.

Unless you are thoroughly miserable than this is probably not pnd and you could just be in the process of developing feelings.

It's harder with exhaustion and your eldest can already smile and interact so he will be more lovable.

stressbandit · 04/04/2021 14:53

It's normal the first time I had a baby I just felt nothing in fact I wanted to actually run away!. I gave birth after this horrible labour and they put this big baby on my chest and I just thought oh get it off me.
I felt so horrible and just shit. We then moved into our own place and I remember thinking what have I done I don't want to be a mum at all.

I cried daily I had zero support.

Then one day when she was around 6 weeks old she slept through the night but I didn't realise they did that and I remember being so scared to look in the Moses basket as she hadn't cried or woke up since 11pm the night before, it was now 8am.

She was laying there wide awake and soon as she saw me she smiled. Melted my heart and the rest was history that love poured through in bundles.
But it did take 6 weeks to even feel anything.
I hate looking at photos of her when she was new born as it just pains my heart so much that I felt nothing and I wish I spoke to someone.

jessstan2 · 04/04/2021 14:53

Namechange, give yourself a bit of time. You will love her - you do already but just haven't yet joined the dots. Go through the motions and you'll get there.

Congratulations.

WhoWants2Know · 04/04/2021 14:55

I felt similar with my second child. With my oldest, it felt like I already knew her and recognised her as soon as she was born.

With my second, I remember looking at her and thinking "who the heck are you?" And I missed my oldest so much while I was in the hospital that I burst out crying when she came with her dad to pick me up. I just wanted to grab her and go hide somewhere.

It passed, though, when the hormones kicked in.

MarriedToMyBestFriend19 · 04/04/2021 14:55

@BendingSpoons

First time round the rush of love was instant and overwhelming. Second time round I was more focused on getting home to my eldest.

They are 2 and 5 now and adore each other (mostly!) and we adore them both equally.

Exactly this.

I cried when my second baby cried. I looked at her and thought what have I done. She's 4 now and I love her with all my heart. We have an amazing bond. It is possible to have that same amount of love for No2 as you have for No1.

SunshineCake · 04/04/2021 14:55

I remember being pregnant with my second and my dh and mil fussing over me carrying my toddler. I snapped saying he was my priority not some baby I hadn't had yet. I feel shit about it now but I get the all encompassing love one has for your first born. Baby two was born and I've had a third since and it all worked out okay. Get your partner to do all the chores etc and you focus on getting in a bubble with your two children and congratulations.

Tell your dh not to discuss it with anyone else. Not their business and it won't help.

shouldistop · 04/04/2021 14:57

I felt like that with ds2 for maybe around 2 weeks. I felt so ashamed that I couldn't even tell my husband. I felt huge guilt for 'ruining' mine and ds1 wee team of me and him.
Ds2 is 4 months now and I feel much better and see him as a little person now and it's so lovely watching the boys relationship grow.

toocold54 · 04/04/2021 14:58

I promise you OP this is completely normal and unfortunately something that isn’t spoken about much so every new mum feels rubbish. Sometimes it can take a few months even.

I loved my DD the second she came out but then the tiredness and baby blues started and I got more and more resentful and because I didn’t know it was normal it led to postnatal depression.

shouldistop · 04/04/2021 14:59

@WhoWants2Know god yeah, when my first was born I just 'knew' him instantly. I'm still getting to know ds2 now after 4 months although the bond has grown.

JustSleepAlready · 04/04/2021 15:06

I think this is completely normal. I felt a bit like this. I think it’s baby blues. Give yourself time. If you feel worse talk to nurse or health visitor. They can give you the Edinburgh test. DONT be hard on yourself. You won’t always feel like this.

Harryo · 04/04/2021 15:07

It’s ok and perfectly normal to feel like this OP. If you feel you are struggling can you tell your partner/ Mum/sister/friend and get some real life support as well?

TillyTopper · 04/04/2021 15:20

Don't worry - it's normal and it can take time! Take it slow and soon you'll be enjoying your DCs without worry. Congratulations!

GlutenFreeGingerCake · 04/04/2021 15:23

If you feel uncomfortable talking to family about your feelings for the baby just tell them you are struggling and feeling down in general, but do talk to your midwife or someone instead as they will be trained in this sort of problem.

PinkSnowAndStars · 04/04/2021 15:30

I felt like this.

Tiredness and the trauma from giving birth. I had intrusive thoughts and it was bloody awful.

You aren’t alone. Keep talking. Hell, message me at any time of day if you want. But you’ve got this and it will become easier. I promise. Everything you are feeling is normal. Hang in there x

SmednotaSmoo · 04/04/2021 15:44

I know this is about you, OP (and I hope today is a little brighter) but it gives me so much comfort that so many people recognise where you were (and where I was too). I felt so lonely and terrible that I never admitted it at the time.