Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

[MachineGinKelly]

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

I doubt your husband would want to know but anyway you don't tell spouses things that you have been told in confidence. If he found out he probably wouldn't tell you. It's not being secretive, it is being confidential.

I'd distance myself from the situation, frankly. You can't win whatever you do. It's a shame Sarah told you; I expect, now she has, she and John are on tenterhooks that you will spill the beans and it may be the end of the affair.

It's not uncommon for affairs to happen with spouses within friendship groups unfortunately. Somehow they think they are 'safe'. However they often fizzle out - though four years is quite a time to keep it going.

Are you 100% sure your Husband does’nt know and is keeping the same secret she is asking you to make?

Keeping this a secret from your husband would be a bad idea, that could damage your marriage.
Trust and respect go hand and hand . Frankly if the shoe was on the other foot and he failed to tell you , wouldn’t you start to wonder what else he’s keeping a secret
This is not your problem & secret to keep

Please tell her, you will be the one it falls back on when Emma says, “Why didn’t you tell me!”
You may lose Sarah and Emma’s husband as a friend but it means you don’t have to carry the burden of deceit that Sarah has put on you.
If I was Emma I would definitely want to know!

@PurpleFlower1983

In your situation I would keep out of it because she is your best friend but I wouldn’t keep it from my husband.

Me too.

Sarah has passed you a poisoned chalice, OP.

Passing things like this on can often lead to being caught in the crossfire when it all comes out. If you tell Emma, both Emma and Sarah will be angry with you (Sarah for breaching a confidence and Emma for being the bearer of bad news). If you keep it to yourself, Emma will be angry if/when it all comes out and she finds out you knew but said nothing.

But Sarah has no right to expect you not to share this with your husband. Secrets can poison a marriage, and I wouldn't keep this from him if I was in your shoes.

Do you know John well enough to talk to him? I think I would tell both Sarah and John that unless they stopped the affair I would tell Emma?
Sarah really really should not have told you. That’s not ok, and makes me think she’s not the person you thought she was, for both the affair and unfairly involving you.

If it was me I would stay loyal to my best friend but I would tell her that I would have to tell my husband about it as we don’t keep secrets from each other.

Definitely tell DH and decide what to do together.

Oh god, I really feel for you OP. I have to say I would think less of Sarah after this, she just not who you thought she was. I think she has done this to accelerate a conclusion. Tell her she needs to come clean now.

Here’s the twist, you made this your business.

‘ I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! ’

You asked, she told you.
She kept this from you, her very close friend, for four years.
She is in deep, so is he.

As they are close friends & spend much of the working week together, your husband may have already known or worked it out some time ago. If so, he has chosen to keep her & John’s confidence & may also have decided not to tell you as Sarah is your close friend - ‘ Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm.’
There may be a concord not to disrupt E &J’s family life. Yup, Emma may well know.

Bluntly, leave Emma alone. If you do prod, hint or directly tell her what you have been told in confidence, then you will loose Sarah, your OH’s goodwill & throw a bomb into Emma’s life. You are the messenger & may face the shit storm without your OH & Sarah’s support. Yes it might be honourable & honest to tell Emma ( I don’t think so) but it is a very high risk approach to managing your dilemma & managing your substantial relationships.

Life is full of dilemmas, choose your path carefully.

I actually think it’s incredibly selfish to burden a person with this kind of information, and then swear them to secrecy. By confiding in you, Sarah has given you no choice but to either completely distance yourself from Emma, or continue to see her (however sporadically) and lie to her face. Either way, you’re left feeling guilty. Asking you not to talk to anyone about it leaves you to shoulder this guilt alone. Finally having the secret ‘out’ (if only between the two of you) lifts some of the burden from Sarah. But she has now made that burden yours.
Does that mean you have to tell your husband? No, not necessarily. But do I think she should expect that you may need someone to confide your guilt/upset in? Of course! Comparisons to terminations etc, aren’t really relevant, as those things don’t leave you with the guilt of knowing them.

If I was Emma would I want you tell me? Yes absolutely. However, if I was you would I be brave enough to do it? I’m not sure. I would absolutely distance myself from Sarah though, and make it clear that I wanted nothing more to do with the situation.

Even if she wants to be told she may not really want to be friends with you over the embarrassment and Sarah may not want to either, the group will no longer exist

The group already no longer exists, at least in any meaningful way. It's a sham. OP can never go back to enjoying carefree girls' nights and birthday parties with a cosy group of 6, knowing that one of them is shagging another's husband, and she is facilitating it by keeping the secret for them. Those days are long gone. Plus, how utterly selfish to withhold information that profoundly affects another human being, simply because you don't want to lose them as a casual drinking buddy!

I would not have entertained the idea that I'd be keeping the secret from my own husband and would have immediately shut down this request when Sarah made it. She quite obviously does not understand or respect the principles of marriage, and I would not have allowed her to call into question my loyalty to my own husband. In any case, despite asking you to keep her secret, I think she actually is hoping you will spill the beans. Perhaps she thinks this will force the hand of her dithering affair partner and be the catalyst for him leaving his wife and her getting her happily ever after. Otherwise, why tell you now? It's just a tactic.

Sarah is not a good friend to you. She has put you in an awful situation, which she must know is the death knell of your friendship with Emma and the end of the friendship group. She must realise the worry and turmoil she has put you in, but she doesn't care because you are an important pawn in her game now. She also thinks nothing of asking you to keep a huge secret from your own husband and expects you to have a greater loyalty to her than you do to him. I would not be compromising my own values to preserve this "friendship".

Emma is very likely making important life decisions, financial decisions etc on the basis that she has a committed husband and a solid future. Her sexual health is at risk if she is having unprotected sex with her husband. She needs to know what is happening so that she can be safe. This isn't some teenage drama where it's all about who is best mates with who, or who is loyal to who. This is real life and there are children involved and people's wellbeing at stake. Unfortunately you will lose both Emma and Sarah as a result, but that's not on you. That's on the two people who chose to start an affair and must have realised it would end like this sooner or later. Besides, knowing what you know means that you have already lost those friendships and that group in reality. It's all over anyway and can never be the same.

As casually as possible tell Emma that you saw John going into Sarah's last whatever afternoon. Let her lead the conversation from there. Don't Never lie if she asks you or mention it again if she doesn't.
Rethink Sarah. She doesn't sound like a decent friend at all.
John is an utter skank and deserves only contempt.
Best not to keep secrets from your husband.

Sarah should not have told you but I guess her arm was pressed when you saw John going into her house.

As PP said. This really is a poisoned chalice. At the very least I would tell her how you feel about all this. I would tell John that Sarah had told me too. If you all meet up as a group this is an appalling situation for you to be in, knowing what you do.

I would be very tempted to tell Emma. How humiliating that people in her friendship group know and not her. How more humiliating if you meet up as a group now you know. If this comes out later, and it probably will at some stage, it will be all the worse for Emma knowing you knew.

Sarah told you. Once she told you she lost control of this secret.
She has no place to make you feel coerced to keep a secret against your conscience. My lack of respect for her in thinking that she has that right would be reason enough to tell.

I think I just could not live with knowing and not telling. I just couldn't do that to someone in my friendship group.

I think it sort of depends on the nature of your friendship with Sarah, if it's based on your admiration for her staunchly upright moral character, then it may be irreparable.

But if it's a tried and tested friendship that's been there through good times and bad then you may be by her side no matter what.

People and relationships are complex, and don't usually fall neatly into totally right or totally wrong. Sometimes people can make bad decisions and still be good people.

Don't join in with their lies and deceit.
What vile people they are. Poor wife.

Is she your best friend if you don't even know who she really is? She doesn't sound that loyal to me. I'm sure Emma thinks she is her friend too. I would be questioning why it is so important to her that you don't tell your husband and definitely be talking to him.

A woman has invested 8 years of her life in a man who has cheated on her for half their relationship! And had kids with her knowing he is cheating and has a foot halfway out the door! The poor woman.

This is bigger than losing someone as a friend. Not having the respect of a colleague. Or making things awkward with a pal in the girls group.

Her bloody life is a lie and she should know what's going on and decide how to live her life going forward. It's so selfish not to tell her.

Great advice on this thread. If I were you, I'd 1. Tell my husband.

1. Cool off the friendship with Sarah and ask husband to do same.
2. Tell John you know and he needs to make a decision either way - very soon.
3. Stand back and watch the situation implode - because it will.

I think John is enjoying having his cake and eating it but, chances are he'll stay with his wife. I don't think he'll be happy with Sarah telling you. And watch Sarah around your husband, she cannot be trusted...

@MachineGinKelly - any thoughts on the many, many contributions to the thread you started?

Can I also just say that you will not be creating a shit storm in Emma's life. John has done that.

My mum was in your position many years ago. One of her very close group of friends (A) had an affair with the husband of a more distant friend (B) (A and B were close, and A and my mum, but my mum was more of an acquaintance with B).

My mum kept the secret, although she was horrified by the whole thing.

The affair went on for over 20 years, until the children of the marriage were grown up, then the husband left his wife for the other woman and they married.

You know Sarah better than any of we do. I'd honestly speak to her more about it, you know her character etc. If it were my best friend I'd keep the secret, but I wouldn't keep it from my OH. I'd just ask him to pretend he didn't know.

Why after 4 years tell you now? I think she wants it to come out.

'I can't even tell my husband because they work next to each other everyday and she doesn't want to lose his respect'.

I'm afraid I laughed out loud at this. What makes her think she is entitled to keep his respect? The price of carrying on a sordid affair with a friend's husband is that you risk losing the respect of those around you so if that's what happens she should suck it up.

You can make your own decision about what to do, plenty of people here have given advice on the options so do whatever you think is best. But I don't think you are obliged to keep Sarah's confidence just because she asked you. She is happy to betray a friend and connive with John in betraying his marriage vows, so loyalty and promises evidently don't mean much to her.