Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

[MachineGinKelly]

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

I’m in a similar situation and it’s horrible. Four months ago I found out that my sister has been having an affair with my best friend’s husband. I’d actually prefer it to have been a friend doing it, because I’d have binned them off without a second thought, but this has buggered up my family. I don’t recognise my sister, she doesn’t seem to connect with the damage she’s helped to cause - it’s all out in the open, the marriage has ended and they are now together. So not only do I have to contend with my sister being an absolute bitch, I now have to get past it somehow for my parents sake and have a new partner of hers to deal with too - one that’s treated my friend like shit. And also support my friend as best I can, seeing the damage that’s been caused by all this, looking at her child and thinking about how awful the situation is for him, all for two very selfish shortsighted people.

If only we still had Jeremy Kyle on the television...

So accept that this social circle will be blasted apart by this affair, you’ll lose that, and I’d sack off Sarah too. It’ll be simpler than having a friend you no longer trust or share values with. As for her demanding your loyalty by not telling your husband, I’d say that she’s pretty much negated that by not respecting loyalty herself. Tell your husband, he will help you see what to do and it won’t be all on your shoulders.

Really feel for you, I can say firsthand that whatever you do it’ll be wrong in someone’s eyes, blame will be deflected from them to you despite you not choosing this, just because you’ve been stuck in this position by your so called friend. All you can do is go with your values and your gut as to what you should do.

Quite apart from the awfulness of this affair and the hurt it will cause when the truth inevitably comes out, I imagine this has been destabilising for you and made you reframe your close friendship with Sarah? You probably already know what you are going to do about this by now and whatever that is should logically cause the wrongdoers the most discomfort, not Emma who is the innocent party here. Short term this is going to cause you pain but what's the alternative? Sarah's behaviour has already driven a wedge between you. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

Yes, agree, she might think the group will continue just without Emma

People and relationships are complex, and don't usually fall neatly into totally right or totally wrong

Yeah, but that affair started out because Sarah was using a friend's husband for an occasional shag. That actually is just neatly and totally wrong.

Drop Sarah as a friend. She isn't a nice person. She could just have easily cheated with your husband and lied to your face every day. Do you see that?
Tell her why - tell her you don't want to be around someone who is about to cause so much hurt.
You don't have to tell your husband. He might prefer not to know - so that he doesn't have to lie to Emma and her husband. Not telling him is better for him and he'll understand that when the marriage blows up.
Cool things with Sarah slowly, but be kind.
When it all comes out, you can say that you didn't want to put a grenade in their marriage, and that you dropped Sarah because of her awful behaviour.

I wouldn't care about betraying her trust because I wouldn't want a friend like that anymore. Emma has a right to know and I'd be telling her immediately and then cutting Sarah and Emma's husband off. Absolute scumbags.

I would stay out of this situation and personally Im rather surprised at your friend involving you in what is going to be a massive sh**ow when this is discovered as it will be. Especially when you all live so near and are a very close circle. When it does hit the fan their will be accusations, side taking and allsorts. My advice have absolutely nothing to do with it. Ive been in that situation except it was far worse as it was a family member, so I didn't have the choice to walk away. What happened was a bitter, vitriolic divorce with children from 2 families used as weapons right in the middle of all this. I was on the periphery but still ended up getting dragged in as I was related. If you say anything you will be blamed, whether your fault or not. My experience of situations like this was so bad I vowed NEVER to get involved in people's personal lives and Ive kept that vow to this day. They are not daft teenagers, they are adults with children and responsibilities. Let them get on with it and don't get involved.

Tell them that they need to tell Emma or end it. You will not keep their secret from Emma or your DH. It’s been four years, they need to decide what they want NOW and let Emma find a better DH and “friend”

Well they’re not being particularly discreet are they. I’d say you can do precisely nothing and the wife will find out soon enough.

What everyone so quick to run and tell their husband? It’s nothing to do with him! And by telling him this is also putting him in a compromising position so I just wouldn’t tell him at all. Seriously your husband doesn’t need to be told everything

This isn’t a secret that’s going to ruin OP and her relationship

I’d tell your husband and then I’d tell Sarah to come clean to her husband and Emma or you’ll do it. Even though you are the least close to Emma in the group, you have been good friends for years and you like her.

Then I’d never speak to Sarah or her husband again. Absolute trash. The utter gumption for a Sarah to sit there for years with Emma when you all went out as friends and put on this facade. Not only is she having an affair with a married man, the man is her friends husband which is really the lowest of the low.

This isn’t the kind of thing you can stay out of. Can you really spend time with Emma and act like everything is ok when you have information you know will change her life that you are keeping from her? She’s your friend. And she most likely won’t be if she knows you knew and kept it from her too.

Difficult.

If Emma was an acquaintance then I probably wouldn’t say anything.

If Emma is someone you consider to be a friend, then I probably would have to tell her.

I would 100% tell my DH though either way! Any secrets I’m told I tell him, it’s a different kind of relationship to friends.

@LBXXX

What everyone so quick to run and tell their husband? It’s nothing to do with him! And by telling him this is also putting him in a compromising position so I just wouldn’t tell him at all. Seriously your husband doesn’t need to be told everything

This isn’t a secret that’s going to ruin OP and her relationship

Two heads are better than one.

I can't even tell my husband because they work next to each other everyday and she doesn't want to lose his respect, I think even he would probably tell me not to tell Emma because he adores Sarah too and would do anything for her.

This sounds strange. You should tell DH - however it's got nothing to do with her work life.

She's not treating you like a best friend.

John is in the wrong too as he's the one with the wife and young children.

I would be concerned by how your DH "adores" Sarah.

No way should you keep this from your husband. She may be fine with deceit but you’re not. Don’t let her rub her poison all over your marriage too.

Now you know who Sarah is and what she’s really capable of, I’d also not want my husband ‘adoring’ her.

I’ve not read another reply but if that were me.....

I wouldn’t tell anyone. I would tell my DH but make him promise not to tell a soul (but because they’re work colleagues, I don’t know if it would be wise to tell him in this instance) That’s obviously why she’s never told you, so not to put you in the middle but obviously she has confided in you now.

I would be pissed off that she told me because you can’t ’un-know’ this information and it’s a shit secret to have to keep. I feel sorry for you, given the circumstances.

I wouldn’t be happy and wouldn’t encourage it - I mean he sounds like an absolute knob anyway so he’s hardly a catch. Sneaking around for 4 years, what a pathetic excuse of a man who is selfish beyond words.

However, I wouldn’t get involved other than to tell her she’s been played for a mug and try to show her the error of her ways. My loyalty would still be with my best friend. People do silly things sometimes and some ‘friends’ might drop them like a hot stone and say ‘I can’t be friends with someone who does that’ and get on their moral high ground, however it’s hard when you’ve got strong feelings for someone to just walk away. She’s single, he’s not so she it’s him that should feel the most guilt.

So I certainly wouldn’t tell Emma. Good people do silly things and I’m sure she’ll regret this one day but she’s living off dopamine and adrenaline at the minute.

Poor Emma.

When all of this comes out your friendship circle is screwed anyhow. Emma won't want to see you anyway because she will think you knew the whole time as Sarah's best friend.

John's the player anyhow. 4 years. He has no intention of leaving his wife and is telling sarah what she wants to hear.

I would try and stay out of it but to be honest my respect for sarah would be flushed down the toilet at hearing this.

Tell your husband. Don't let her try to destroy your marriage too. Then tell her that if they don't come clean you're telling his wife.

I'd be dialling back on the friendship too - she's untrustworthy and that is not a quality I value in the people around me.

Ohh can’t believe this! What a terrible situation you’ve been forced into. I think you need to imagine you are Emma who has done nothing wrong in this situation. She deserves to know but you shouldn’t be the one to tell her. You and your husband are nothing to do with this and shouldn’t be dragged into it. The worst thing that can happen is Emma finds out or is told by her husband and it’s mentioned that you knew. She might presume you have known for much longer due to your friendship with Sarah. Her husband should be the one to do it. Sarah and Emma’s friendship is over but yours doesn’t haven’t to be. You do have to question though if you speak to her so much etc but she’s managed to keep this massive secret from you for 4 years (even while drunk etc), how truthful really is she? 😕 I would try to corner her husband and tell him he has to tell her now or you are going to

I think I'd have to tell Emma, but I would put it off out of fear because I hate conflict. I've been both an affair partner (unwittingly) and cheated on (by the same man, serves me right eh) and also my DH was cheated on repeatedly by his ex wife. I have little sympathy for my own situation as although I was lied to and misled, I was 17, arrogant enough to know it all and carried on with him after I found out he was married. He left her for me but it was a shit relationship.

DH on the other hand was married to his ex since she was 18 and he was 22, he left his army career for her because she didn't want to be a military wife, had two children with her and she was shagging around from the start with her work colleagues. They all knew, and he didn't, and when he finally had enough and kicked her out after coming home to find her in bed with another man once too often, she told him he was a laughing stock because he was the last to find out. She tried to reconcile with him, taking him out for their wedding anniversary, and then told him she had never loved him and only stayed for convenience.

It damaged him emotionally and he wouldn't go out for our wedding anniversary for years. Only when we had been married longer than he had been married to her, did he stop worrying about it and we went out to celebrate. He knew I wouldn't cheat, but had such awful memories of that time. He even ended up working at the same place as his ex (public sector employer) and she was the talk of the workplace still, 10 years after they had split, for her antics with colleagues.

@isadorapolly

If it was me I would stay loyal to my best friend but I would tell her that I would have to tell my husband about it as we don’t keep secrets from each other.

same here

I don’t think I could continue a friendship with Sarah. Her moral compass is clearly set at zero, and I really couldn’t have a friend whose values were so different from my own. I’d just step back from the friendship. I’d want to let Emma know too, although I suspect that’s what Sarah wants someone to do, to bring forward her happy ever after ending.

I'd get some proof from Sarah. I'd send her a text saying that you are shocked etc, that you are really upset to be put in the position and that it's also not ok that she told you not to tell Sarah. I'd say it not ok to continue as you are worried about Emma's sexual health/ mental Health/ kids etc Tell her you don't know what to do and that you are devastated and ask her what their plans are.
I'd see how she replies then decide what to do.

Also has anyone mentioned the risk of COVID! Were they seeing each other when Emma was pregnant and covid was about. If so that's even shitter of them

1. I don't keep anything from my dh and she's unfair to ask you to do it tbh.

1. I wouldn't get involved...the messenger always gets hurt unfortunately.

1. I would slowly remove contact with Sarah. I would refuse to be involved. And yes I would tell my dh

"I can't even tell my husband because they work next to each other everyday and she doesn't want to lose his respect."
Says it all really.
She knows that having a four year secret affair with a friend's husband is not something to be proud of. Is in fact, horrible.

Are there children involved ?
If so, how repugnant.
The selfishness of people astounds me.
If he's not happy in the marriage then he should do the decent thing and divorce.