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Original poster

Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

906 replies

MachineGinKelly · 03/04/2021 02:44

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

OP posts:
Teardrop2021 · 03/04/2021 09:00

If she can do this to a friend for 4 years she could easily target your dh who shes in close contact with. Real friends don't do this to another friend, speak to your dh. I wouldn't be surprised if there's more secrets to come out.

notanothertakeaway · 03/04/2021 09:01

Distance yourself from Sarah

Tell Emma

SavoyCabbage · 03/04/2021 09:02

I'd have told my dh straight away. Four years she's been lying to all of you. Part of the excitement for all of them will have been the rest of you not knowing. There is absolutely no way that this affair won't annihilate your friendship group. None of your relationships are going to be the same again. Yours and Sarah's included. You aren't going to just phase Emma out and have Sarah and John as a golden couple.

Surely Sarah would want Emma to find out as after all, this is a true love situation.

Once Emma knows she can kindly fade into the background and Sarah and John can be happy together, surrounded by bunnies and birds as they walk through meadows. There will be no issues about money or housework because of the true love.

DeciduousPerennial · 03/04/2021 09:02

Tell your husband: they work together, there’s an extended friendship group that you’re both part of - whatever happens next, there will be consequences that impact both of you. He needs to know.

Tell John that she’s told you; if she’s allowed to make unilateral decisions that affect other people, so are you.

Cool the friendship with Sarah significantly: she’s not who you thought she was, and is quite prepared to put you in a very, very horrible position to serve her own ends. Not a friend.

Accept that the friendship group is doomed: their actions have seen to that. Nothing you can do will save it, and their affair will come out. The only things in question now (thanks to her revelation to you) are what fallout lands on you when it all comes out, and how complicit in it you want to appear.
Whatever you decide to do (or not do) now, you will lose friends because of this - sarah telling you has seen to that - because other people will think you should have spoken up, or kept quiet.
So decide for yourself, with your husband, which of those options sits better with your own conscience and then either tell Emma or keep quiet.

But either way, avoid any more involvement with Sarah because you can’t trust her any more than Emma can.

Sleepdeprivedmama1 · 03/04/2021 09:02

@babyyodaxmas

She may even be trying to claw into your husband for all you know by asking not to tell DH

This is incredibly misogenist lanaguage for a site for women.

You do realise men use this site too? Not exclusive to women at all.
midnightstar66 · 03/04/2021 09:03

I'd tell her that you have to at least speak to your husband over this, that you don't keep secrets from him. Are you sure if she's this close to your husband, that's she's not trying the same with him if she's asked you not to tell. She's clearly not who you thought she was after all.

MargaretThatcherMilkSnatcher · 03/04/2021 09:04

I'd tell Sarah that she and John have one week to come clean to Emma, and to your husband, about their affair. If they haven't owned up by then, you will do it for them.

babyyodaxmas · 03/04/2021 09:05

I meant for women in the sense of "to serve women" not "for the exclusive use of" it is still misogynistic to suggest that the Sarah in this situation is some sort of evil femme fatal and the men are innocently failling prey to her charms.

EvilPea · 03/04/2021 09:06

I’ve been you in this situation.
I’ve kept quiet - got the blame
I’ve told - I’ve got the blame.

You won’t win and Sarah is a cunt for telling you.

Tell your husband, you need that protected.

Itsseweasy · 03/04/2021 09:06

Well Sarah is clearly not who you thought she was and no way in hell would I be keeping that from my husband.
You are a reflection of the friends you keep, so I’d be distancing myself from Sarah pretty quickly.
And what’s to say she wouldn’t try it with your husband too if it doesn’t work out with John?

WiseOwlOne · 03/04/2021 09:07

Yes, the messenger will be shot. But if you dont tell, you also collude in the betrayal.

MazDazzle · 03/04/2021 09:09

Don’t risk your own marriage to protect a cheat and his OW!

How dare she tell you this and expect you to keep it secret.

Eleganz · 03/04/2021 09:09

The problem is that, if you get involved by openly being the messenger you are liable to get shot.

Tell your husband, keep no secrets between you.

Distance yourself from Sarah. Sadly sometimes people aren't who we think they are and can you really have a best friend that doesn't share your moral world view on things? I certainly couldn't have a best friend who thought it was okay to carry on a long term affair with the husband of another friend, especially as I had my marriage end due to my ex's affair.

If you want to tip Emma off find a way to do so anonymously with plausible deniability. Perhaps an anonymous letter?

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 03/04/2021 09:09

Sarah would shag your DH too. She's not your friend.

SaltyAF · 03/04/2021 09:10

@B33Fr33

You've been very misled about Sarah. She's not independent at all. I'm guessing you moved into the street first too? Did your husband get a job with the company first? She's relied on her friends to sort out her sex life, by selecting from among them and now she wants more she's using you to bring about a relationship by manipulating you all to do the telling and the ending. No doubt if you tell your friends will be a handy little group of four and she will carry on as though noones lives have been treated as toys. I'd be ending the mirage that is Sarah's "friendship" and when Emma asks why make it clear she needs to ask Sarah that. I'd also tell my husband as why should you risk Sarah's betrayal creating an issue of trust in your own marriage.
I agree with every word and would take this approach.
An0n0n0n · 03/04/2021 09:10

I think you need to map out the risks and benefits of each option and wait a week or two to let the heat fall out of it a bit.

Basically you can either say nothing and hope no-one finds out you know and live with the guilt, tell Emma and risk her staying with her husband anyway and it making the group weird (I suspect after 4 years john is stringing Sarah along)

Or you can confront them and tell them john has to make a decision by X date or you will tell. None of the options make you popular.

If it was me, I'd probably be self preserving and wait a few months and then send an anonymous note.

I'd also probably tell Sarah that whilst I was there for her I didn't want to hear another word about it x

Hoppinggreen · 03/04/2021 09:11

Keep out of it, you will get hit by the fallout and everyone will blame/hate you .
I would make it clear to Sarah that you find her behaviour disgusting though

UnlikelybutTrue · 03/04/2021 09:11

How disappointing a friend Sarah sounds.

I am the only single in our group of 5 women. I know all their DHs and could never imagine hurting and betraying my friends by having an affair with any one of their partners. That’s not what friends do. One of them I do find attractive and he’s a lovely man but bloody hell i could never ever go there because my friend is precious to me and I would never want to hurt her in any way. I would tell Sarah that you cannot condone what she and John are doing and that she has put you in an awful position and go from there. Ask her what her and John are intending to do?

Sleepdeprivedmama1 · 03/04/2021 09:12

@babyyodaxmas

I meant for women in the sense of "to serve women" not "for the exclusive use of" it is still misogynistic to suggest that the Sarah in this situation is some sort of evil femme fatal and the men are innocently failling prey to her charms.
So a woman who has a negative comment or thought about another woman who is clearly dishonest is considered having a misogynist view?

I never said anything about falling prey to her charms, you got their yourself. I said she may be trying to get her claws into him (meaning she may be trying it on - which is something both women and men do when they are attracted to someone!)

Sheesh people nitpick the craziest things on this site.

Stratfordplace · 03/04/2021 09:13

Well it’s your call what you do with the information, but I wouldn’t be keeping it a secret from my husband. Who does she think she is to ask this of you?

GarlicMonkey · 03/04/2021 09:16

I'd tell John that I know & that I'll only be keeping quiet for 6 months so he'd better sort the mess out that HE has created.

HamFisted · 03/04/2021 09:16

I'd definitely tell your husband, if I were you. If someone wants you to keep a secret they should ask you if they can tell you something in confidence first rather than blurt it out and try and impose secret-keeping afterwards.

Beyond that, I'm not sure. It has to come out but ideally without causing problems for you given that you are neighbours.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 03/04/2021 09:17

Telling Emma or not is a hard one but I would 100% tell your DH. It might be unpopular but I think if someones married and you tell them something it's really an unwritten rule that they will most likely tell their spouse. There are obviously some things where you shouldn't but most big things I think most people tell their spouse and you should really see it coming if you say something big to someone who is married. Sarah has been really unfair and shouldn't have told you this and this isnt something she can ease her guilt with by telling you and then have you keeping it secret from your husband and a friend. She can do what she likes and lie to who she likes but now shes told you shes made you into a villain when it comes out, and it it likely will, and Emma is told you knew. Because Emma will ask you or will think you knew anyway because you're Sarah's best friend. Your best friend has now made it so 1. you say something and you're the bearer of the bomb and Emma will likely fall out with you (and Sarah totally will), or you dont tell Emma and then when it does come out she learns you knew and hates you. Don't not tell your DH or Emma wont be the only one with a marriage in bits when the bomb goes off.

Beautiful3 · 03/04/2021 09:17

I think I'd be loyal to my best mate and keep out of it.

SuperMoonIsKeepingMeUpToo · 03/04/2021 09:17

I think I'd tell Emma she and/or the husband needs to tell Sarah. I'd also tell my husband - she's got no right to tell you to keep secrets from him. Yes, you'll lose Emma as a friend but there are other friends to be had in this world.