Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

[MachineGinKelly]

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

Your first priority is not to have secrets in your own marriage so I would be saying to Sarah 'either you tell my husband or I will'. What you do about Emma is more complex and doing nothing makes you complicit. This will all come out one day so think ahead about how you'll feel when Emma realises that you're part of the secret.

*Some people can keep their powder dry.

Others can’t

From the OP,*@MachineGinKellyis in hell grappling with this. There is no way she will be able to keep this from her H, he’ll see the anguish and be worried.

This is a very good point and I suspect Sarah know which camp OP falls in to and has acted accordingly. As I said upthread I suspect she is counting on the OP spilling the beans and exploding the whole thing.

It may well be the both OP's husband and/or Emma know or suspect and turn a blind eye. This doesn't suit Sarah who has been alone through lockdown, but suits John very well, who like most men is highly unlikely to leave Emma after 4 years.

You've been very misled about Sarah. She's not independent at all. I'm guessing you moved into the street first too? Did your husband get a job with the company first? She's relied on her friends to sort out her sex life, by selecting from among them and now she wants more she's using you to bring about a relationship by manipulating you all to do the telling and the ending.

No doubt if you tell your friends will be a handy little group of four and she will carry on as though noones lives have been treated as toys.

I'd be ending the mirage that is Sarah's "friendship" and when Emma asks why make it clear she needs to ask Sarah that.

I'd also tell my husband as why should you risk Sarah's betrayal creating an issue of trust in your own marriage.

No one will thank OP for bringing this all into the open (except Sarah who would like to do so but doesn't want to take the responsibilty, probrably because John has asked her not to).

Gosh, she doesn't want John to leave Emma 'yet'. That means she does expect him to leave her eventually. I wonder if he will, he has the best of both worlds at the moment. Four years is a long time to be having an affair.

Why did you ask her why John was calling on her? I wouldn't have asked that.

It's a pity she told you, frankly but I suppose she couldn't think up a convincing lie quickly.

Definitely don't tell your husband, that's pillow talk. It won't help him in any way to know about the affair.

Sarah is in the wrong of course (as well as John), I'd be inclined to speak to both of them and emphasise how unfair they are being to both Emma and the children, perhaps threaten to tell Emma. Then I would withdraw from the friendship group.

and let's be clear about who the real villian of the piece here is- it's John whi has been decieving his wife for 4 years and stringing Sarah along.....

I would tell my DH because I don’t want Sarah using him as a shoulder to cry on when it all goes tits up. Also, although I trust my DH, I would not trust Sarah not to be making a play for him. Especially as you’ve said he ‘adores’ her and they see each other every day.

And I suppose it follows on that if I can’t trust Sarah not to see my DH as off limits then she’s actually not my best friend anymore.

I’m not sure if I would speak to John and tell him he has to break it off or come clean to Emma. Either that or tell Emma myself. Also I’d start looking for some new friends.

Youve been put in horrible position.

Consider your friendship with emma. Do consider when emma does find out she will make herself ill going over the last 4 years in details and she will make sure she finds out everyone that knew about thia affair.

Tough one. You have to do the right thing by your friend even though that will shatter the group. :-/ It's nice being part of a group, but your friend will have been betrayed by you too if you put being a member of the social group above tellingvher the truth. Tell her quickly.

Unfortunately Sarah made it your business when she told you.

Completely agree with this and much of what others are saying. Thanks to Sarah and John's selfishness there is no good way out of this now. I'd tell Emma, purely because if I was in Emma's situation I would want someone to tell me, even if I later forgave my husband. I also agree with those saying Sarah is trying to frce the situation by telling you - she's pushed the destruct button. Tell your DH at least. No one should ask couples to keep secrets from each other.

I totally echo what a lot of people have said and that is that you should tell your husband. Don't let this be a secret you shoulder alone and don't let her problems potentially cause a rift between you and your husband.

And I suppose it follows on that if I can’t trust Sarah not to see my DH as off limits then she’s actually not my best friend anymore.

Christ do men have no autonmy ? This is an incredibly sexist view. You shouldn't have to "watch your DH carefully around her". Either your DH is or isn't commited to monogamy if he isn't then all the watching in the world won't change that.

Hmmm, secrets and lies, they're never a good thing in families and usually come home to roost. Sarah has shown she's a liar and likes to keep dirty secrets. I suspect your husband already knows and has been sworn to secrecy, as you have, made to play along with the secrets and lies - keeping secrets from his wife?

In your situation I would talk to my husband. It's highly likely he already knows, and has been keeping her secret for her. Throw some sunlight on this. Don't let her control the narrative any longer. Don't let her decide you and your DH keep secrets from each other.

Worst case scenario for you, your DH and Sarah had or are having an affair ("he adores her and would do anything for her" did jump out from your OP), and she's desperate for him not to know about the other guy.

As for poor Emma, your friendship sounds more of a 'situationship', in which case I would keep out of it, but accept that the social group is finished.

Ps, tell Emma before you tell your husband to avoid him telling you you caused his work drama and to avoid emma feeling liking everybody knew before her.

Your biggest issue is that your DH’s adored work wife is having an affair with your other friend’s husband. Jesus wept, I would be going back to your so called best friend and ask her outright had she ever crossed any boundaries with your DH, because you will be talking to him about this.

Fuck the atmosphere at your DH’s work, if it all turns out to be as innocent as you hope between DH and his adored work wife, well that’s really not your concern, people should remain professional at work and be able to work alongside people they personally don’t like perfectly well.

I would probably tell Emma, and offer support in whatever she wanted to do. She may shoot the messenger but really whatever happens now the fun friendship circle you had is not going to return. At least eventually Emma may come to realise at least one of you displayed loyalty to her and was there for her even if she didn’t feel able to access help from you.

People have affairs, leave marriages.
she is your best friend, your right arm.
be there for her.

@MachineGinKelly She's put me in an awful position when I can't even tell my husband because they work next to each other everyday and she doesn't want to lose his respect

Do NOT keep this from your DH. Sarah has brought lies and deceit into one marriage already. Don’t let her ruin yours too. She’s in the wrong. If your DH loses respect for her then she shouldn’t have done something so disrespectful.

I don’t envy you but Sarah, quite frankly, is a piece of work (to put it mildly). She has betrayed one of her closest friends for FOUR YEARS! What makes
you think she wouldn’t also have considered your husband fair game at some point either in the past or even future if her current ‘arrangement’ no longer suits her. She’s shown her true colours already.

Personally, I couldn’t not tell Emma. She deserves to know that her husband is a liar and a cheat so that she can move on with her life and find someone who truly loves her. Of course your friendship with Sarah will be over as a result but it is already meaningless given how she has behaved. I don’t even know any of you and feel sick to my stomach that someone could behave like this.

If I were you I'd consider a few options...

1. Tell my DH and ask him to have a conversation with John about it. See what his stance is (because realistically he probably doesn't see it as all love and roses as Sarah does). It gives him the opportunity to come clean and work on his marriage if his wife is on the same page.

1. Tell Sarah and John together (socially distanced of course!) to come clean to Emma. I think part of Sarah telling you plays into a plan tbh, she could have said he came over to help with XYZ but she didn't. Maybe she wanted him to get caught? But you could say tell them or I will.

1. Send an anonymous text or email to Emma detailing what you know if you're not wanting to be the fall gal. I think it'll eventually come back to you though as I'm sure Sarah or John will say you knew.

1. Be direct with Emma and tell her as gently as possible. She may already have suspicions anyway.

Personally I would want to know. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors in a marriage so she could be really unhappy and suspect (or even know!). However if not it could tear her apart. I feel really sorry for Emma.

I'd also ditch Sarah and John as friends. Be there for Emma, as a PP said earlier you can tell a lot about a person by their behaviour. She may even be trying to claw into your husband for all you know by asking not to tell DH.

I honestly don't know what I would do OP. What Sarah and John are doing to Emma is awful but I'm not sure it would be my place to tell. Perhaps you can encourage Sarah to be honest. Tell her you'll tell your husband as you don't keep secrets but you won't tell Emma as it's not your place however you think it needs to stop or John needs to tell her.

I do think affairs during covid are particularly disgusting as Emma doesn't know about John's "socialising" outside the home...

I have been in this situation a few times. First things first, you have to make a decision, you are involved now, whether you want to be or not. It is selfish of Sarah to have involved you like this, but she is probably feeling the pressure. If you didn’t know Emma and John, you would have absolutely kept her secret, but knowing them puts the affair on a different level.

If you choose not to say anything, that’s fine, but you are choosing loyalties to Sarah and only Sarah and you will have to explain to Emma who will feel so hurt and betrayed (and probably unnecessarily foolish) about you knowing and her not.

Personally I would tell Emma, as the innocent party in all of this, she deserves to be able to make an informed decision whether to stay in her marriage and friendship.
Your friendship with Sarah will change (possibly beyond repair) but you have to decide what’s more important to you. I have done this and not lost the friendship but it definitely took a battering and things were not the same for many years. Interestingly she now understands and supports my decision at the time.

Regarding your DH, if you decide to tell Emma, you can share it with him for support. If you’re siding with Sarah, it’s not fair to tell him as he would then be dragged into the dirty secret with you.

@billy1966

Very upsetting.

In principle I am in the camp of keeping friends confidences private and husbands dont need to know.

But this confidence actually now includes you in an ongoing lie, so it is different, and because it is upsetting you.

I think what Sarah is doing is disgusting and it would really completely change how I would view her.
For 4 years she has been lying to you too.
Lying to you about who she is.

I think she is slime to have a four year affair with a friends husband.

She has shown you OP who she is.
Zero loyalty to anyone.

She is NOT the friend you think she is.
Good friends, decent people, do NOT do this.

Going off with a friends husband is really dregs of society stuff.

It shows a complete lack of basic decency.
I think in these circumstances you don't owe her continued loyalty.

Tell your husband if you wish.
I would be mortified if a friend of mine behaved so badly.

OP, she certainly isn't best friend material.
She's one of those people that would shaft a friend if it came to it.

She decided to do the dirt on her friend.
These things don't happen by accident.

She made a decision to do this.
This is who she is.

This 100%

She may even be trying to claw into your husband for all you know by asking not to tell DH

This is incredibly misogenist lanaguage for a site for women.

Agree with some of the other posters.

Sarah only told you so that the secret would find a way out. She's telling John now that you've caught them and you know, you're likely to spill.

She's just moving the situation along for herself.

Dump Sarah and at least your conscience will be clear. When Emma does find out she'll at least know you've not confined their behaviour.

do nothing op