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Original poster

Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

906 replies

MachineGinKelly · 03/04/2021 02:44

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

OP posts:
ohnoisaid2much · 05/04/2021 17:21

@nanbread here's what OP said she wants help with

Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

People are saying to her that she needs to consider

  • her marriage in the light of being asked to keep secrets from her husband (imagine he finds out from elsewhere and begins to wonder if this is a case of birds of a feather and whether OP condones such behaviour?)
  • her friendship in the light of Sarah being oh so close to her husband and clearly capable of being a devious duplicitous back stabbing cow
  • her priorities i.e. preserving her friendship with someone she is seeing a new side of or her larger group of friends who will see her differently when they find out she knew and said nothing

What's interesting after re-reading the OP is that she noted how careful Sarah has been about having people over because of covid but she was happily making an exception to conduct her affair. Another factor that shows Sarah's character and priorities. Take careful note OP

I don't have advice on what she should ultimately do, I have highlighted things I think she should consider and so have many others. The majority aren't turning on her, we are questioning her priorities and morals to establish where she stands on this.

Tistheseason17 · 05/04/2021 17:27

I hope Emma is reading this and thinking, "Where was John the other day when he said he was popping to the shops but was gone 45 mins?"

How long I have known someone does not make them my very good friend - it is their values and behaviours that does it for me.

I'd rather know a decent person for 10 mins than a narcissistic cheat for 30 years. In the words of The Inbetweeners, "Fwend,, Cheating fwend"

IwantToDatePicard · 05/04/2021 18:28

I don't think Sarah deserves to hold your DHs respect, or anyone else's.

WisnaeMe · 05/04/2021 19:46

Sarah's got everyone wrapped around her finger 😳

dancing to her tune....

MarshaBradyo · 05/04/2021 19:46

It does sound very novel like!

One character with everyone in thrall.

Walkaround · 05/04/2021 20:38

@MachineGinKelly - you said earlier you didn’t think you were any further forward, but you are. You have decided you still think Sarah is a good person and you are still her friend. You have therefore clearly decided that if the final result of Sarah’s behaviour is to break up the friendship group, you will prioritise your friendship with Sarah over retaining the friendship of anyone else in that group. You may therefore be concerned about Emma and her family, but you understand Sarah better and have the intense empathy for her that only very close and long-standing friends have. You will inevitably therefore do what is best for Sarah at the end of the day, even if that hurts Emma.

Your current issue is just that you don’t yet know what the best thing for Sarah is, because you’ve only just found out and because you don’t actually know what Emma’s dh’s true feelings are for Sarah. You aren’t even clear of her true feelings for him, but are clearly clinging to the fantasy that her dreams of him leaving Emma are just her lockdown fantasy and will conveniently dissipate without anyone else having to find out (despite not having done so for 4 inappropriate years). To an outsider, Emma comes across as a pathetic, desperate woman, jealous of her married friends and taking inappropriate opportunities to feel desired by someone desirable enough to be already taken by someone else. To you, she’s a longstanding, loyal human being with flaws that you can accept, because you feel you know the whole person and love that regardless. The result of this is, you will probably just keep schtum until Sarah decides what to do next, you will support Sarah if she breaks up Emma’s marriage, you will be a shoulder for her to cry on if she and John go their separate ways, you will continue to feel tortured if she and John just continue shagging regularly for a few more years, and you will never be a shoulder for Emma to cry on.

AviciaJones · 05/04/2021 23:06

Best way to decide. Sarah is having an affair with your DH,, it’s been going on for four years unbeknown to you.

Emma, is one of a group of friends you have known for sixteen years since you were all 16 years old at college. She is best friends with Sarah. Would you prefer Emma to tell you or should she keep Sarah’s secret?

BluebellsGreenbells · 05/04/2021 23:49

You have therefore clearly decided that if the final result of Sarah’s behaviour is to break up the friendship group, you will prioritise your friendship with Sarah over retaining the friendship of anyone else in that group

Maybe not, maybe OP hopes he dumps Emma and he and Sarah can rejoin the new group as a foursome and enjoy Cody dinners while Emma sits alone being a single mother to her two children weeping into her wine and wondering is OP and Friends are having a lovely time talking about how gullible she was for four years and didn’t notice a thing! Oh how they’ll laugh.

See how cruel that will be?

WisnaeMe · 05/04/2021 23:52

@AviciaJones

Best way to decide. Sarah is having an affair with your DH,, it’s been going on for four years unbeknown to you.

Emma, is one of a group of friends you have known for sixteen years since you were all 16 years old at college. She is best friends with Sarah. Would you prefer Emma to tell you or should she keep Sarah’s secret?

Ooh very good question ...

Yes indeed 🌸

Boringlynormal · 06/04/2021 08:50

one of the people involved has had mental health problems in the past and doing this wrong could end a very different way than anyone wants.

Strongly suspect this is Emma and that Sarah has told you this. She possibly even believes it as John has told her. Just be VERY aware that ‘I can’t leave my wife as she has mental health problems’ is a classic part of the cheating man’s classic script. Makes him look like a hero, leaving an impossibility, cheating more justifiable etc. Maybe she does have MH problems but if you got this info from Sarah it’s probably bullshit.

TurquoiseDragon · 06/04/2021 09:05

I feel sorry for Emma, with her husband and so called friends conspiring behind her back.

jessstan2 · 06/04/2021 09:05

@MarshaBradyo

It does sound very novel like!

One character with everyone in thrall.

Or a soap. However, people generally find out earlier in a soap, then there's a baby and a fight, usually at a Christening or funeral, after which someone gets in a taxi and flees to Manchester with an overnight bag. Just like real life.
Bluetrews25 · 06/04/2021 10:16

If it is Emma with the MH problems, then maybe she has those issues because of her lying, cheating husband gaslighting and deceiving her all the time?
How can OP NOT tell Emma?
I would find it impossible to look Sarah in the eyes ever again due to my disgust at her behaviour. She has lied to OP as well, don't forget that.

As Emma, would you not be grateful (in time) that a friend was enough of a friend to tell you when your husband and a different friend were deceiving you?

WindyRose · 06/04/2021 12:20

^^ Totally agree. I don't even know Emma and feel so sorry for her, she probably knows something is going on but nobody will do the right thing by her and confirm the situation. All the while she's left (literally) holding the baby with no support from her so-called friends.

When the ** hits the fan I hope she's got other friends and/or family to support her because Sarah has everyone else under her thumb and nobody will care about Emma or her baby. So sad...

nanbread · 06/04/2021 13:42

@AviciaJones

Best way to decide. Sarah is having an affair with your DH,, it’s been going on for four years unbeknown to you.

Emma, is one of a group of friends you have known for sixteen years since you were all 16 years old at college. She is best friends with Sarah. Would you prefer Emma to tell you or should she keep Sarah’s secret?

Thing is, for every person that wants to know there may be another who doesn't and OP probably doesn't know which Emma is.

I find it hard to believe that OP is the ONLY other person to know about this if it's been going on 4 years, too. Emma may well already know / suspect and has decided she doesn't want to know any more.

WisnaeMe · 06/04/2021 13:47

OP's husband maybe knows

Honeyroar · 06/04/2021 13:55

I just keep thinking poor, poor Emma. And her family. Oblivious to what’s been going on for years.

oreo2020 · 06/04/2021 14:25

Well think if the husband in question was not Emma's husband but your husband. Easily could have been as Sarah works together with yours! Would you like to be told?

goldenglow · 06/04/2021 14:37

You must be desperate for friends if you want to keep a sewer rat like "Sarah" as a friend.

ohnoisaid2much · 06/04/2021 14:52

@goldenglow

You must be desperate for friends if you want to keep a sewer rat like "Sarah" as a friend.

This with bells on!

OP would rather contemplate pretending she knows nothing about the situation than rethink who she believed Sarah to be as a person.

I feel sorry for Emma of course but I feel even more sorry for OP. It must be hard having to question all that's happened over the years. All the times hubby and Sarah worked late, did he offer her rides to/from work? Ever came home and found her there or him over hers? Do they text each other? It must be awful really.

PersonaNonGarter · 06/04/2021 15:02

Ofgs a valued friend is a friend - I wouldn’t bin my BFF for anything short of sleeping with my own DH. People make mistakes and we love them anyway - surely that’s the point of old friends? Not endless prissy judgement when they screw up.

Theimpossiblegirl · 06/04/2021 15:06

@PersonaNonGarter

Ofgs a valued friend is a friend - I wouldn’t bin my BFF for anything short of sleeping with my own DH. People make mistakes and we love them anyway - surely that’s the point of old friends? Not endless prissy judgement when they screw up.
Emma is supposed to be a friend too. Hmm
CounsellorTroi · 06/04/2021 15:10

@PersonaNonGarter

Ofgs a valued friend is a friend - I wouldn’t bin my BFF for anything short of sleeping with my own DH. People make mistakes and we love them anyway - surely that’s the point of old friends? Not endless prissy judgement when they screw up.
As has been pointed out a few times on this thread, conducting a four year affair with the husband of a close friend is not a mistake. It's a calculated deception. And saying it doesn't matter what your BFF does to anyone else as long as they don't do it to you - fuck that.
WisnaeMe · 06/04/2021 15:11

@PersonaNonGarter

Ofgs a valued friend is a friend - I wouldn’t bin my BFF for anything short of sleeping with my own DH. People make mistakes and we love them anyway - surely that’s the point of old friends? Not endless prissy judgement when they screw up.

oh dear 🤔

MrsHardHat · 06/04/2021 15:12

I'm Emma in this scenario. Suspected, gut instinct - spoke to DH, tried to minimise and deflect. I had recently given birth and he actually said I was going crazy, I had therapy and on my last session I got "kind of" evidence, in that he still tried to label as "coincidences".... Everything was a coincendence. I'm 12 months on, never admitted anything physical but gut tells me he's just trying to keep us together by not admitting the full truths. 100% this has killed me, 100% my mental health taken a beating all because of Dear husband. I know what would help me, someone who knew the truth and told me. Your friend "emma" needs her truth, don't allow her to stay in a fake marriage.