Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

[MachineGinKelly]

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

Why can't you send an anonymous letter when you know John is at work but Emma is home saying something cryptic like "check john's phone" "look for john's spare phone" "sniff johns pants when he comes home" Or "someone's not being the friend you think she is and John is dipping his quill wherever he can find ink" wouldn't tell your hubby to make Sarah think I was on her side so no one would think the letter came from me. I can't believe you're the only outsider that knows, someone has noticed but hasn't said anything. You haven't told anyone, but you've given Emma a kick up the arse to have a look what's going on in front of her fucking eyes with two people she really loves. I really feel for her, she has no control or autonomy over her own life, help her take control. And to Sarah, how you get them is how you lose them, if he ends up with Sarah he'll be sniffing around other women like a fly to shit. I don't believe in star-crossed lovers or forbidden true love :(

Your post sounds reasonable but in fact it's just more evidence of Sarah working her way into people's lives and playing the sympathy card so people support her.

Firstly, I would be questioning why my husband would get so angry at OP. I'd be very concerned if my husband thought that the best thing to do about cheating partners is shut up and not tell anyone about it it
that's literally directly opposite marriage vows, does that mean he doesn't take his seriously? Is it pick and choose?

If he's the one that got her the job then how can Sarah make his difficult? If he's the manager? She is behaves poorly at work there are procedures for that.

OP you don't have a responsibility to do anything under law but that doesn't mean that you're not immoral for standing by.

Because you know if it was the other way around you would expect someone who you have called a friend to have your back at find a way to let you know.

Each to their own is why society is such shambles.

We've been telling men in the past few weeks to pull up their friends when they do something that is abusive to women.

But we can't do it for each other?

OP can keep quiet but as I said, people with no morals don't pick and chose who to hurt, they just do what they like when they like.

Why can't you send an anonymous letter when you know John is at work but Emma is home saying something cryptic like "check john's phone" "look for john's spare phone" "sniff johns pants when he comes home" Or "someone's not being the friend you think she is and John is dipping his quill wherever he can find ink"

I’d go with the much more straightforward “John is sleeping with Sarah”.

@Ciaobaby92 what are you on about?

You're expecting OP to tiptoe round this situation so she doesn't make waves?

I can only speak for myself but I'm not asking OP to blow anything up. I've asked that she consider carefully

• how she views Sarah based on what she now knows she capable of

• consider not hiding this from her husband and also why she has been asked to do that?!!

I would also add you seem to think this will have such a terrible impact on the work relationship between Sarah and the hubby. So they will magically be unable to conduct themselves as professionals in the workplace??
Why wasn't the onus on Sarah to think of that before she let someone's husband park his bike in her yard for four whole bloody years

It's not OP's job to fix anything no one is saying that. It's equally not OP's job to keep anyone's filthy secret, maintain a friendship with someone lacking morals or ignore the impact on someone she socialises with.

Priorities! That's what we're saying

@EssentialHummus that would work much better. There's no way I could keep quiet, but, then again, that might be why I haven't got any friends 📢 📣 🤣

Yes, I'm sure Emma trusts her kind, wonderful husband who just cares for other people too.

Why can't you send an anonymous letter

OP would need to wait a few months as only She knows 😳

@WisnaeMe

Why can't you send an anonymous letter

OP would need to wait a few months as only She knows 😳

sorry I meant to say... John and Sarah would know it was OP

Also, everyone also decided to protect my kind, wonderful, caring husband too, when he was shagging his bit on the side. I had to get STI tests, because they just left me not knowing for over two years, and the duplicity from not only him but my friends protecting him also destroyed my faith and belief in people even more. It completely destroyed me. I mean, it's one thing your supposed life partner doing this to you, but knowing other people.knew, chose to protect HIM and his dirty little secrets, over my physical health as well as my mental health just destroyed me. Don't be one of those people who protects the wankers who can't be arsed to do the right thing and either stop sticking their dirty little dick in a friend/stop letting their very good friends husband bang her.

They are not "good people". Sarah is a horrid person. And so are you potentially, for protecting her over a woman that could be being exposed to potentially life altering STIs from the pair of those cheating fuckers. Vile, the pair of them. I wouldn't trust her with my dog now, let alone my husband. She's shown you what she's capable of, more fool you for trusting her still.

If I were Emma, when I found out the truth I would assume OP - Sarah's right arm who lives on her street and works for her husband - had known about it for years, no matter what I was told.

Yep, me too. But maybe OP doesn't really care that much, and her friendship with Sarah is more important to her. Now she's keeping this huge secret, and like PP has said that shows her priorities.

@WisnaeMe They'd be suspicious but they'd never know for certain. give me Emma's contact details, I'll tell her. I really think she needs to know that her husband and her close friend are regularly taking trips to pound town.

I'd be very concerned if my husband thought that the best thing to do about cheating partners is shut up and not tell anyone about it it
that's literally directly opposite marriage vows, does that mean he doesn't take his seriously? Is it pick and choose?

What part of the marriage vows say you must tell the innocent partner in someone else’s marriage their spouse is fucking someone else? I must have been asleep during that bit.

Also, everyone also decided to protect my kind, wonderful, caring husband too, when he was shagging his bit on the side. I had to get STI tests, because they just left me not knowing for over two years, and the duplicity from not only him but my friends protecting him also destroyed my faith and belief in people even more. It completely destroyed me. I mean, it's one thing your supposed life partner doing this to you, but knowing other people.knew, chose to protect HIM and his dirty little secrets, over my physical health as well as my mental health just destroyed me

This.

I think it's fair to share the burden of this knowledge with your husband (not because I also think he's sleeping with Sarah, I don't), and then work out together what to do. I don't think it's fair to have to handle it alone and I don't think Mumsnet can give you a an answer either, sadly.

It is disturbing how some posters have turned against OP as if this is all her fault. OP has legitimately asked for feedback over this very difficult situation and is by no means "laughing" at Emma. Some of you are projecting your anger towards Sarah and John at OP which is a really shit thing to do. OP is innocent in this situation.

If it were me, Sarah and I would be having a very crucial conversation about her behavior and what I think about it. And I would absolutely consider my husband's work situation in this matter as he has to deal with Sarah everyday. If OP betrays this confidence, all hell is likely to break lose for hubby at work and that needs to be considered.

I have learned from experience to be very careful about what I say and do, and to not to label myself as the morality police for grown adults. And contrary to popular belief, it is not likely that OP can "fix" this situation even if she does tell. She will likely be bringing their musery down upon herself and her husband.

[quote crazychick89]@WisnaeMe They'd be suspicious but they'd never know for certain. give me Emma's contact details, I'll tell her. I really think she needs to know that her husband and her close friend are regularly taking trips to pound town. [/quote]
I would too.. let us tell Emma OP.

I've been on both sides of this. My then DP was cheating, so-called friends knew and said nothing. The friendships never recovered. On the other side, I found out my best friends DP was cheating and told her. She is now married to him and, although we send the odd text, we are no longer friends. I'd still say Emma deserves to know.

@Ciaobaby92

It is disturbing how some posters have turned against OP as if this is all her fault. OP has legitimately asked for feedback over this very difficult situation and is by no means "laughing" at Emma. Some of you are projecting your anger towards Sarah and John at OP which is a really shit thing to do. OP is innocent in this situation.

If it were me, Sarah and I would be having a very crucial conversation about her behavior and what I think about it. And I would absolutely consider my husband's work situation in this matter as he has to deal with Sarah everyday. If OP betrays this confidence, all hell is likely to break lose for hubby at work and that needs to be considered.

I have learned from experience to be very careful about what I say and do, and to not to label myself as the morality police for grown adults. And contrary to popular belief, it is not likely that OP can "fix" this situation even if she does tell. She will likely be bringing their musery down upon herself and her husband.

I agree, ciao.

It is such a difficult situation for the op, not black and white at all.

Also the suggestion that Sarah is playing around with the op's husband is outrageous. They are friends though the op and she works where he does, that's all. I doubt he would want to know about her 'goings on'.

The op knows Emma, Sarah, John AND her husband - we don't.

It's all very well saying how we would feel or what we would do in her position but we honestly don't know. Every situation is different.

John is probably the worst offender in the scenario and it is possible, if Sarah tells him that the op now knows about their affair, that he will be scared and end it.

Being part of a friendship group makes it all more difficult.

I wonder sometimes about 'morals police', have they never been tempted or been close to giving in to temptation? We are all human beings with weaknesses.

@Ciaobaby92

This is how it is just as likely to play out...if OP decides to drop this bomb in everyone's life...her husband will be very angry as Sarah is his workmate who he has to see everyday. Sarah will also be very angry with OP. Emma may very well decide to stay with John for the sake of her family and he will go NC with Sarah to "save" the marriage.

Sarah finds herself without an AP. OP's husband decides to apologize to Sarah since, according to OP, he likes Sarah and thinks highly of her. He would also be desperate to smooth things over at work.

Sarah and OPs husband bond over their anger at OP. Emma and John stay together and she wants nothing to do with OP because of her connection to Sarah. OP gets left out in the cold and viewed as the bad guy while everyone else hysterically bonds over this mess.

As I said OP you have no obligation to try to "fix" a situation you did not create. And anyone trying to shame you into doing so is very manipulative and short sighted. What about your husband and what his day to day work life will be like when Sarah hates her, it is a very perilous situation for OP AND her husband.

OP is not obligated to stay best friends with Sarah and neither is she obligated to make a foolish attempt to "fix" this mess that isn't hers at the expense of her husband and possibly her marriage.

OP is not responsible for Emma's choice of husbands or other people's bad behavior. Protect what you love the most OP and leave them to work this out.

OP is unfortunately involved now. So now she knows this info she cannot pretend she doesn’t know about whilst I don’t think it’s fair on OP. It is what it is and she should urge the pair to rectify the situation.

My best friend didn't tell me something to do with a guy I was seeing at the time and when it came out later on.... her reason was she was “protecting me” tbh I never fell out with her but it did cause upset because I was hurt she with held info and I looked foolish as others in our circle knew and I didn’t!!

There’s no easy way out of this for OP.

@jessstan2 there's coming close/giving into temptation and shagging someone else for four years. A close friend of spouse no less. I can't relate.

[quote crazychick89]@jessstan2 there's coming close/giving into temptation and shagging someone else for four years. A close friend of spouse no less. I can't relate. [/quote]
I know, it is difficult to understand but it happens; there are folks who lead a double life for years and sometimes nobody ever does find out.

However it is hardly the op's fault, she is stuck between a rock and a hard place and Sarah has been her close friend for years.

I wonder if all our comments have been helpful to her. Hopefully she has been enjoying the Easter weekend with her family and been able to relegate the information to the recesses of her mind.

@jessstan2

I'm not attacking OP.

What I'm saying is essentially OP has one choice. Lie or tell the truth.

Whichever way you want to break it down that's the choice.

In this scenario, either choice is going to hurt someone. So personally, I would choose the truth. Then the people who have caused the hurt can face up to it.

I've never cheated or been cheated on so I'm not projecting anything.

We've all been tempted and we all do wrong things. The difference is some people stop themselves and others don't.

If I started becoming attracted to a friend's husband and was tempted to do something, I would stop seeing them.

I would do anything but fuck them.

So as pp so succulently put it, I can't relate. It's trash behaviour, that's not defensible.

Having boundaries for other people's behaviour doesn't make you the moral police, it makes you honest.

@YouJustDoYou

Also, everyone also decided to protect my kind, wonderful, caring husband too, when he was shagging his bit on the side. I had to get STI tests, because they just left me not knowing for over two years, and the duplicity from not only him but my friends protecting him also destroyed my faith and belief in people even more. It completely destroyed me. I mean, it's one thing your supposed life partner doing this to you, but knowing other people.knew, chose to protect HIM and his dirty little secrets, over my physical health as well as my mental health just destroyed me. Don't be one of those people who protects the wankers who can't be arsed to do the right thing and either stop sticking their dirty little dick in a friend/stop letting their very good friends husband bang her.

They are not "good people". Sarah is a horrid person. And so are you potentially, for protecting her over a woman that could be being exposed to potentially life altering STIs from the pair of those cheating fuckers. Vile, the pair of them. I wouldn't trust her with my dog now, let alone my husband. She's shown you what she's capable of, more fool you for trusting her still.

I'm sorry you went through this, truly, but OP is in a very different situation.

Her true friend is the OW in her own scenario, she is not protecting John. She's come on here to try to get help with what to do because she cares and clearly does not approve of the affair.

She is not a horrid person. It's very unfair of you to say that.

[quote sticktomygun]@jessstan2

I'm not attacking OP.

What I'm saying is essentially OP has one choice. Lie or tell the truth.

Whichever way you want to break it down that's the choice.

In this scenario, either choice is going to hurt someone. So personally, I would choose the truth. Then the people who have caused the hurt can face up to it.

I've never cheated or been cheated on so I'm not projecting anything.

We've all been tempted and we all do wrong things. The difference is some people stop themselves and others don't.

If I started becoming attracted to a friend's husband and was tempted to do something, I would stop seeing them.

I would do anything but fuck them.

So as pp so succulently put it, I can't relate. It's trash behaviour, that's not defensible.

Having boundaries for other people's behaviour doesn't make you the moral police, it makes you honest.[/quote]
Exactly this. Cheating never happens by accident. Someone makes a decision that they are going to do it.

@CounsellorTroi I'm no angel but I can honestly say hand on heart that of all the things I've done that I'm not proud of, I've not carried on doing them for four entire years while smiling and having dinner with the person it would hurt most.