Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

[MachineGinKelly]

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

Maybe op is sarah

There's a TV series called 'friends from college' with this same scenario which you may find interesting to watch

@CounsellorTroi

I do wonder at the posters saying OP should stick by Sarah. Aren’t friendships meant to be based on shared values?

I do also wonder at what point you tell them we are incompatible because of your actions? Could Sarah go and sleep around all her friends husband's (casual sex as it apparently started out) or form another long term affair with a different husband and it would still be ok as long as it wasn't the OP's husband? If it was my best friend I'd probably have blocked her right now to give myself some thinking space then contacted the friend and asked to meet up and I'd leave my best friend in no doubt of what I was going to do. I just don't have blind loyalty to nearly anyone particularly if they prove themselves unworthy of it.

Whoever has the mental health issue (I'm assuming it's Emma by context) needs support when this all comes out and it absolutely will, there's no way Sarah shared it so casually and easily with only you, she will likely tell someone else. However just because someone affected has a mental health issue doesn't mean they shouldn't be told, the longer the affair goes on the more lies are told and the longer Emma lives those lies. What if the affair continues for another year? Two years? Longer? Until they've made their plans (or Sarah has) and it all comes out then only John doesn't want to leave Emma but Emma now knows. This is going to hurt everyone involved but these are the consequences of Sarah's and John's actions.

I do think for Emma's sake she should be told, 4 years is a hell of a long time (40% of their marriage) to be lied to, she thinks there's a future there but it's based on John's lies, it's all going to come out eventually so the sooner the better. The only people you're protecting by delaying telling Emma (which you could manage anonymously - email, note on car, new number, etc) is Sarah and John.

@WisnaeMe

Emma deserves better from people she considers friends .. 🌸

I agree. The one silver lining that can come out of this when it all comes out is for Emma to find a new friendship group of friends who care about her and respect her and get away from this toxic Sarah love-fest. I can see it now, Emma is slowly pushed out of the group and Sarah and John become accepted and celebrated by the group. I only hope the other two girls in the group are rightfully appalled enough to actually grasp the gravity of what has occurred and give Emma the love and support she needs in what will be the worst time in her life. OP you say Emma might not believe you but you’re Sarah’s best friend so would have no reason to lie and it would probably come out anyway once she confronted John. Unless you mean she would express disbelief in the sense that who she considered a close friend would do this to her for four years because that’s such an unfathomable and evil thing for one friend to do to another. Most people would probably be in shock and disbelief too that not only was their husband cheating it was with their friend of 16 years.

Being involved in an affair is abhorrent as it is but sleeping with one of your good friend of 16 years (you say Sarah and Emma are very close) husband for 4 years and smiling to her face and going for nights out with her all the while, is such an utterly new level of repulsiveness and evil, I can’t even fathom it. It’s not a “mistake” or “good people can lol make bad mistakes”. It’s cold, selfish, calculated deception. Utterly craven,

I do think you are in an impossible situation. It was really unfair of Sarah to tell you. But she has and now you know.

I think you need to talk to Sarah. Tell her that you wish she hadn't told you. That she has put you in a dreadful position. Tell her that you will always be there for her but will not be drawn into this. Otherwise, you risk become Sarah's confidante in this seedy affair.

Take back some control. Sarah chose to tell you but you can control your reaction to what you know. And perhaps the best reaction is to do nothing. Don't tell anyone and don't engage with Sarah on the matter.

Oh and yes, now you know what Sarah has done, it will colour your view of her. Maybe not immediately, but over time.

I would tell your dh and share the problem. I have always found that men have more common sense than you give them credit for. At least you are not deceiving him and he can’t come back on you when it eventually gets out and you knew all about it.
There is another thing that occurred to me. I know it’s unlikely but is it Sarah that has been deceived? You only have her word that eventually he will leave his wife. It’s an unpleasant situation and your friend hasn’t come out of this well. Frankly, I don’t know if I would ever feel the same about her again.

Being involved in an affair is abhorrent as it is but sleeping with one of your good friend of 16 years (you say Sarah and Emma are very close) husband for 4 years and smiling to her face and going for nights out with her all the while, is such an utterly new level of repulsiveness and evil, I can’t even fathom it. It’s not a “mistake” or “good people can lol make bad mistakes”. It’s cold, selfish, calculated deception. Utterly craven,

Exactly, and just for casual sex! At for at least the first 3 years anyway. Has Sarah never heard of tinder? Has Emma’s husband never heard of illicit encounters? (Not that that’s ok, it’s just a bit less evil).

There is no way that these 2 aren’t getting off on the betrayal.

What a mess! As someone whose husband had an affair with my "friend" and a stranger knocked on my door to tell me, I was so grateful. However, back to you.....Your mate is asking you to keep her lie from your husband? Wow. Double betrayal. Lies kill intimacy and cause barriers in relationships.

As suggested, I would share this with your DH, halving the responsibility and weight of the problem of what to do. Questions to ask yourself and thoughts: Can you really trust Sarah now, fully? It could have been your DH! When the affair comes out (and it will) you will be blamed as having known, so are you prepared to take that responsibility? If you had a word with Emma's husband, told him you knew, would that end the affair and even if it did, if Emma eventually found out, she may find out you knew, however innocent you are. Do you really want a friend of this calibre?

My sister found out her best friend's husband was having an affair. Utterly raging, she had a word with him - threatened him that if he didn't stop, she'd tell his wife, her best mate. He panicked, told his wife and, luckily, my sister is still best friends with the very hurt wife. There is no easy way.

I can't believe this thread is still going. People have given some really good and thoughtful advice but it's clear OP isn't interested. I think it's obvious what she wants to do.

When Emma finds out , and she will eventually your name will also be dirt

But you know now

Remember that (a) you havnt done anything wrong and (b) you don’t have to make an immediate decision
In fact best you don’t

Sit on it for a while

OP - even if you don't tell Emma - you should tell your DH. My best friend is my DH.

I think Sarah is loving the control over all of her puppets.

I despair of such low morals and how people have such low regard for their 'friends'. I would not want friends like this.

Why haven't you told your husband yet?

@Tistheseason17

OP - even if you don't tell Emma - you should tell your DH. My best friend is my DH.

I think Sarah is loving the control over all of her puppets.

This, exactly!

@SummerWhisper

Why haven't you told your husband yet?

Because Sarah is doing a horrible thing but she's not a horrible person. She is also queen of this entire circle of people therefore deserving of consideration and loyalty above all others. Everyone else involved are mere minions who should tip toe round her disgusting life choices

@CounsellorTroi

I do wonder at the posters saying OP should stick by Sarah. Aren’t friendships meant to be based on shared values?

Amongst other things. They’re also based on shared experience, emotional connection, loyalty and love. I would never ditch my best friend whatever she did. We’ve been in each other’s lives for 38 years and life is inconceivable without her in it. My loyalty would always be to her. You can love the sinner and hate the sin.

@ThornAmongstRoses

You have my sympathy OP.

12 years ago I caught my sister having sex with our mutual best friend’s fiancé. We had been best friends with the woman for about 14 years by this point.

I was mortified and absolutely torn.
Ultimately my loyalty was to my sister and I never told our friend.

Even now, although it was fourteen years ago I am constantly plagued with thoughts of whether I did the right thing.

My friend did eventually did marry the husband, they’re still together now and have two children aged 10 and 6. When I am around my friend and her husband it’s so hard having to pretend things are normal, I have never forgotten what he did and I hate him and my sister for making me bear the guilt of what they did.

If I was in your situation I would absolutely tell Emma. An affair lasting four years is a different league altogether compared to the situation I was in. Your relationship with
Sarah and John will never be the same again anyway. Please tell Emma.

This is pretty awful! Your poor friend never got the chance to decide whether she wanted to be with a lying cheat. I don't know how you managed to stay friends with her and lie all these years

Waiting for the update saying that Sarah's been shagging OPs husband as well. Agree with other posters who say she doesn't want the husband to know because she doesn't want him to stop doing stuff for her. They probably have quite the flirty relationship when you're not there OP.

I'm not saying this to be mean but you seem to have a blind spot when it comes to this woman. The problem with people with no morals is that they don't pick and chose to hurt with their lack of control. Everyone is a potential sacrifice to their own selfish wants.

Seriously OP you reap what you sow and you'll have no one to blame but yourself because you chose the path of dishonesty.

Stop telling yourself you're doing this to protect people. You're not.

People have been saying you've been put in an impossible position but it's your 'best friend' that our you there and you're still defending her.

Carry on lying to Emma because you value your relationship with a lier - a very good one it seems. Hopefully, she'll never lie to your face for four years about anything of importance in your life.

I think you're worse than her because you know this is wrong but you're just going along with her delusional excuses.

Also #justiceforemma

I feel so sorry for her. Having all her friends laughing at her behind her back.

OP has been put in a dreadful horrible position, and I feel for her, but I still feel more sympathy for 'Emma' the unwitting fool of every gathering, so sad 🌸

@sticktomygun

Also #justiceforemma

I feel so sorry for her. Having all her friends laughing at her behind her back.

Except they’re not. The only person who knows is OP.

Has Emma found out OP?

OP, Sarah, Emma's husband, soon OPs husband, anyone else that's seen them but looked the other way.

The rest of what I say still stands so why argue with that minor point?

Condoning this behaviour with silence is wrong and noone deserves that.

Sarah clearly doesn't care about the position she's put anyone in but still gets all the support.
How hot is she?

Emma's husband is lower than slime. Imo the fact that they decided to have regular sex behind Emma back means that they wanted to get back at her.

Sarah's probably resented her this whole time. What's she going to say ?

'im sorry if your husband was unable to control his attraction to me, I'm just that hot'

Vile competitive cow.

This is how it is just as likely to play out...if OP decides to drop this bomb in everyone's life...her husband will be very angry as Sarah is his workmate who he has to see everyday. Sarah will also be very angry with OP. Emma may very well decide to stay with John for the sake of her family and he will go NC with Sarah to "save" the marriage.

Sarah finds herself without an AP. OP's husband decides to apologize to Sarah since, according to OP, he likes Sarah and thinks highly of her. He would also be desperate to smooth things over at work.

Sarah and OPs husband bond over their anger at OP. Emma and John stay together and she wants nothing to do with OP because of her connection to Sarah. OP gets left out in the cold and viewed as the bad guy while everyone else hysterically bonds over this mess.

As I said OP you have no obligation to try to "fix" a situation you did not create. And anyone trying to shame you into doing so is very manipulative and short sighted. What about your husband and what his day to day work life will be like when Sarah hates her, it is a very perilous situation for OP AND her husband.

OP is not obligated to stay best friends with Sarah and neither is she obligated to make a foolish attempt to "fix" this mess that isn't hers at the expense of her husband and possibly her marriage.

OP is not responsible for Emma's choice of husbands or other people's bad behavior. Protect what you love the most OP and leave them to work this out.