Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

[MachineGinKelly]

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

@WisnaeMe

Well... when Emma turns up on Mumsnet, I hope all those supporting Sarah stay away from the Thread.

I haven't seen anyone actively supporting Sarah, quite the contrary. However I do think the situation is very difficult for the op as Sarah has been her friend for so long; she knows her, we don't. I bet she wishes she could back pedal a few days to before she found out about the affair, and that she didn't know now.

Please let's not round up against the op now, she didn't start this.

Something else has crossed my mind. We all know what Sarah (& John) have done and are doing is wrong; however how many of her critics here have had an affair with a married/spoken for man or been very close to it?

Another thread has been started by someone else who has been having an affair and wants to end it but finds it difficult to do so because they are so emotionally involved. Though nobody thinks she has behaved well and all are encouraging her to put an end to it, she hasn't come in for as much stick as Sarah and there is sympathy for her.

I haven't seen anyone actively supporting Sarah

there are several posts from people declaring that their 'friendships' have been for decades and they would suggest OP support her friend, and not say anything to Emma. That was the point of my post, I was not suggesting that OP had decided any such course of action.

OP you shouldn't rat out your best friend. Sarah has been your "right arm" and this Emma person you hardly know, what has she ever done for you to warrant such a betrayal of a best friend?

I would let Sarah know under no uncertain terms what you think about what she's doing, and refuse to be complicit in any way. This is going to be a shit show whether you are the one who tells or not. Unless you have endless time and energy for other people's drama, and don't mind losing your best friend, stay out of it OP.

Just a couple more points I'd like to make.
I get where you're all coming from about trusting my husband but I'm in my marriage. Yes I know Emma probably thinks the same but things are different. I don't want to get into my personal life on here because if anyone on here does know me they'll instantly recognise it's me, but unless my husband was finding a quiet spot at work to have an affair (impossible in his job) then he's not having one. It's not just about trust it's about time and circumstances. Being too quick to try and make me feel like my husband could be cheating on me as a way to get me to tell him and Emma what's going on isn't the nicest feeling right now.
Another thing is that Sarah sounds horrible and I get that people are angry, I'm angry myself since I'm married and the thought of someone doing something like this with my husband is crushing, but Sarah is not a terrible person. She's done a terrible thing and is continuing to do a terrible thing but she is not a monster. I'm angry at her for doing this and for telling me and for everything else. I'm not blindly loyal to her and I'm not sticking up for her. But I'm also not going to end a friendship over this with her.
Telling Emma would be the right thing to do but it's really not that simple right now. There's no guarantee she'll even believe me and theres no proof that he's done this if he denied it. They have kids, this is a family and someone's parents, I can't just go throw a bomb into their lives just to feel like I've unloaded the burden.
My hope is that Sarah or John will tell Emma themselves and be open about what they want to do.
There are other details I've not put on here because it's getting too personal but one of the people involved has had mental health problems in the past and doing this wrong could end a very different way than anyone wants.
I get that everyone's running on emotion, it's something none of us would want to hear if our partners had been having an affair with our friend for years. I too think this. But we're in lockdown, everyone's isolated and tensions are high, if I thought going straight to Emma would have been the best thing I'd have done it without hesitation. I haven't stayed quiet to protect Sarah and John, I've stayed quiet because right now it's the only safe thing for everyone.

@jessstan2

posts like this ....

OP you shouldn't rat out your best friend. Sarah has been your "right arm" and this Emma person you hardly know, what has she ever done for you to warrant such a betrayal of a best friend?

🌸

@MachineGinKelly

OP remember this...

when the affair is exposed, you're name will be thrown into the mix as having known from this point onwards.

how do you think all the women in the friendship group view you, from this perspective ?

🌸

@WisnaeMe

It would be selfish of me to do anything because I'm scared what people will think of me. It's a sensitive situation for all involved and running at it without careful thought will only make everything a lot worse.

[quote MachineGinKelly]@WisnaeMe

It would be selfish of me to do anything because I'm scared what people will think of me. It's a sensitive situation for all involved and running at it without careful thought will only make everything a lot worse.[/quote]

I understand, but honestly, you're in a lose/lose from herein in. 🌸

[quote WisnaeMe]@jessstan2

posts like this ....

OP you shouldn't rat out your best friend. Sarah has been your "right arm" and this Emma person you hardly know, what has she ever done for you to warrant such a betrayal of a best friend?

🌸[/quote]
It wasn't actually me who said that, but whoever did has a point. Her (I'm assuming the poster is a 'her'), is very much in the minority on here and will probably be shouted down.
..........

OP: Another thing is that Sarah sounds horrible and I get that people are angry, I'm angry myself since I'm married and the thought of someone doing something like this with my husband is crushing, but Sarah is not a terrible person. She's done a terrible thing and is continuing to do a terrible thing but she is not a monster. I'm angry at her for doing this and for telling me and for everything else. I'm not blindly loyal to her and I'm not sticking up for her. But I'm also not going to end a friendship over this with her.
............
Good, op.

[quote MachineGinKelly]@WisnaeMe

It would be selfish of me to do anything because I'm scared what people will think of me. It's a sensitive situation for all involved and running at it without careful thought will only make everything a lot worse.[/quote]
You are right.

It wasn't actually me who said that, but whoever did has a point. Her (I'm assuming the poster is a 'her'), is very much in the minority on here and will probably be shouted down.

I know you didn't ...

I was showing you a post that showed people support OP standing by her friendship and not telling Emma 😂

Emma deserves better from people she considers friends .. 🌸

Well if OP decided to drop that bombshell, it would make things really shitty for her husband at work...but I guess some ppl believe that being the morality police for grown adults is more important than their husband's quality of life.

Take it from someone who learned from experience. No one likes the morality police.

So you tell Emma what's going on and then what? Your husband is furious at you. Sarah, your "right arm" becomes your mortal enemy. Emma won't want to talk to you because it will feel very awkward and she will associate you with great pain and trouble. She may grudgingly appreciate it, but she is not likely to be your new best friend.

This isn't really about Sarah but about you, and who you are and what friendship means to you. When I call someone my best friend, they are like family. I love them for who they are, complicated and conflicted individuals just like anyone else. The exception being if it was something involving someone being in danger or kids being abused, then you have to break those bonds of friendship and do the right thing. But when it comes to matters of the heart you need to be very careful and really think things through.

Thankfully Mumsnet exists for people like Emma ... because in real life nobody cares 🌸

This is not the OPs problem to fix. If there's anything to be sorry for, it would be that Emma married a man who would do this to her.

It is my opinion that OP is under no obligation to "fix" this for anybody, especially considering that any attempts by her to do so, will likely result in the opposite.

You did not create this situation OP and you are not responsible for it. From what you have said, Emma is lovely but you two are not even friends, while Sarah has been a huge part of your life. Now whether you decide to keep being friends with Sarah is a whole other issue-you'd be well within your rights to distance yourself from her to express your disapproval but you cannot fix Emma, John or Sarah. You need to look out for your own DH and family, and keep the peace in your own life as best you can.

If I were Emma, when I found out the truth I would assume OP - Sarah's right arm who lives on her street and works for her husband - had known about it for years, no matter what I was told.

Sarah has done well to keep it quiet for 4 years hasn't she... But v unfair to tell you now.

It sounds like you're not going to tell Emma, so I'd try to forget you were ever told, ask Sarah never to mention it again until Emma knows, don't discuss it with anyone, just let it die.

If I were Emma, when I found out the truth I would assume OP - Sarah's right arm who lives on her street and works for her husband - had known about it for years, no matter what I was told.

This is a good point. When my best friend’s wife found out about his affair she automatically assumed I’d known, when in actual fact I had had absolutely no idea and also felt shocked and even betrayed (obviously not to the extent she did).

I remember feeling so relieved though that I hadn’t known and was able to convince her as such because she could see it was genuinely true. It was a horrible HORRIBLE feeling in the first days she found out and and considered me complicit. When the shit hit the fan and I bore witness to the devastation it caused, I couldn’t help but see my best friend in a different light in spite of myself. His wife and children were absolutely broken, it was a horrendous time and the fact I could be a friend to “Emma” when she so needed friends without any feeling of duplicitousness was the only small consolation.

I don’t know what I’d have done if he’d confessed to me beforehand. I acknowledge it’s a different situation as I considered his wife a good friend and I didn’t know anything about the OW, but the fundamentals have parallels. I suspect my view of the situation would be slightly different in that I would have been coming at it pre-dropped bomb when the utter devastation and tragedy was purely conceptual. I can’t in all honestly say I’d have told her myself when I first found out - more likely I’d have felt compelled to actively campaign that he did, and I can see that putting a strain on our relationship, it would become all-consuming I think. Things wouldn’t have been the same between us if he’d carried on the affair without telling his wife. I just couldn’t square that with the person I thought he was, the values I thought he’d held and the despicable way he was treating people I cared about, or anyone for that matter.

OP have you told your husband? If so what did he think you should do now? Sorry you have been put in such a horrible spot.

I think your logic is spot-on, OP.

You’ve all known each other for 16 years is that right?

I don't know what they'd say, like I said before we're not all that close, we only meet up on birthdays and nights out now and then and parties and Christmas, we mostly keep up on a group chat but that's it.

Is the chat very active? Or only for meet ups. Must be strange if Sarah and Emma are still chatting away

You have my sympathy OP.

12 years ago I caught my sister having sex with our mutual best friend’s fiancé. We had been best friends with the woman for about 14 years by this point.

I was mortified and absolutely torn.
Ultimately my loyalty was to my sister and I never told our friend.

Even now, although it was fourteen years ago I am constantly plagued with thoughts of whether I did the right thing.

My friend did eventually did marry the husband, they’re still together now and have two children aged 10 and 6. When I am around my friend and her husband it’s so hard having to pretend things are normal, I have never forgotten what he did and I hate him and my sister for making me bear the guilt of what they did.

If I was in your situation I would absolutely tell Emma. An affair lasting four years is a different league altogether compared to the situation I was in. Your relationship with
Sarah and John will never be the same again anyway. Please tell Emma.

I meant to add, that when I caught my sister with our mutual best friend’s husband, she was also in a long term relationship with somebody and they had a 3 year old child together.

I do wonder at the posters saying OP should stick by Sarah. Aren’t friendships meant to be based on shared values?

@CounsellorTroi

I do wonder at the posters saying OP should stick by Sarah. Aren’t friendships meant to be based on shared values?

This was what I found so hard when my best friend cheated on his wife. And that had only been going on a few months and he confessed before anyone found out. I was shocked just how much how it coloured my view of him in spite of my best efforts to remain objective and a supportive friend.