Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

[MachineGinKelly]

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

Sarah is not the person you thought she was and does not deserve your respect or loyalty.

Emma is trying to make her marriage work while struggling to understand her husband’s diminishing affection/sex life. I feel very sorry for Emma. She deserves a chance to meet someone else who will love her and respect her and she needs to not waste anymore time on her lying excuse for a husband.

If it was me I would definitely tell Emma.

No way in hell would anyone tell me what I can or can’t tell my own husband.

@Onesailwait

Not a popular option but I wouldn't say anything & my loyalty would be to my best friend.

So would mine. Shit as the situation is.

Poor fucking EMMA

When this affair comes out eventually by John finally slipping up or by Sarah blabbing to other people, or even to Emma in ‘revenge’ when she finally figures out John will never leave his wife, and she’s mid 30s, still ‘single’ and has wasted years on a man who was just stringing her along, I’m wondering if the OP will feign innocence when everybody’s gossiping about it and pretend she’s as shocked as everyone else? That would be pretty dishonest and lacking in integrity wouldn’t it?

What about if John and Sarah royally stitch Emma up when they decide to run off into the sunset together and leave her blindsided in a vulnerable financial situation as he’s had time to get his ducks in a row and she hasn’t because she didn’t know she needed to?

Surely Sarah will tell John that’s she’s let the cat out of the bag to the OP so he’s going to be worried that Emma finding out very soon is a distinct possibility.

Unfortunately the OP is now involved in this horrible situation through no fault of her own and keeping it to herself is akin to being a bystander looking on and doing nothing, not even calling the police, while a crime takes place.

@mrsh1807

That argument is popular on here, that a single woman can’t be accused of cheating, and only the married man is responsible. And when the affair partner doesn’t know the wife, it makes some sense.

But Sarah is a close friend of the wife. So it surely is a betrayal, isn’t it, to sleep with a close friend’s OH? And the OP is friendly with the wife too.

Just to add that the friend group doesn't include husbands. We're all women who met at college when we were 16 in the same class and we've stayed friends since. My husband got Sarah her job where they work when she wanted a new one and Emma's husband is nothing really to do with any of us apart from weddings and parties, from what I understand Sarah and John had each other on Facebook and it started as messaging. There are other women in the friend group.
I just wanted to clarify since it seemed people thought me and my husband and Emma and her husband made up 4 people in the group.

I think that helps give context. What do you think the others would make of it if they knew, OP? Where do everyone’s loyalties lie? I’m just trying to get a feel for how you stand to minimise the damage to yourself. It’s a shitty situation. I feel for you.

Poor Emma, no-one has her back in this scenario do they?

Its all about Sarah. Probably just how she like it.

I'm glad you trust your husband OP - Sarah has everyone dancing to her tune at the moment. What a snake.

Take a step back: your husband got Sarah the job...how did that happen? Who instigated it? How close did they become? Is he her knight? Why does he adore her? You can't see her for who she is: a player, a flirt, a manipulator. Tell your husband she's been shagging John for 4 years, behind Emma's back. He'll see that he too has been / continues to be played. Check his reaction.

@ViviPru
The others are also all married and most of us with kids. Only Sarah and one other don't have kids but the other is married. I don't know what they'd say, like I said before we're not all that close, we only meet up on birthdays and nights out now and then and parties and Christmas, we mostly keep up on a group chat but that's it. They'd probably take sides and rightly so it would probably be Emma's. I did consider talking to one of them but it's really not fair of me to tell anyone else when I haven't told Emma. Sarah really is the main person in the group, she probably keeps up with everyone more than I do and we probably wouldn't even go out together that much unless she organised it all.

I don't know what I would do in your position. But I think I know what I would NOT do ( and again, it is so easy to speculate when it's not actually happening to you).
I would not keep this from my DH. Especially since they work together. Because I would not trust Sarah around him.
I would not support her or listen to any of the stuff she wants to say about her affair with John.
And I would not be with Emma and Sarah together. No birthday or Xmas do. How awful and awkward.
Realistically, it is really hard to drop that bombshell though. Hey friend, your husband is fucking our mutual friend.
It seems almost cruel, yes it might be doing her a favour in the long run, but I would like to know who has ever done this. It's all very well saying it's the moral thing to do, but a) Emma may not believe you b) people do shoot the messenger, all the time c) it involves your best friend.
No easy answers here...

I predict Sarah now getting pregnant

@WisnaeMe with the OP's husband??

[quote MachineGinKelly]@ViviPru
The others are also all married and most of us with kids. Only Sarah and one other don't have kids but the other is married. I don't know what they'd say, like I said before we're not all that close, we only meet up on birthdays and nights out now and then and parties and Christmas, we mostly keep up on a group chat but that's it. They'd probably take sides and rightly so it would probably be Emma's. I did consider talking to one of them but it's really not fair of me to tell anyone else when I haven't told Emma. Sarah really is the main person in the group, she probably keeps up with everyone more than I do and we probably wouldn't even go out together that much unless she organised it all.[/quote]
Ah I missed that you all weren’t that close. In my mental image of the group I’m envisaging my closest local friends, all quite present and entwined in the day-to-day of each others lives, which would make the whole thing far more perilous - the thought of being the one feeling pressure to drop the bomb that could split that apart is unthinkable, even if it was not a bomb of my creating and it was with honourable intentions.

But it seems that the group dynamic isn’t really a huge factor here. I see now It’s almost exclusively about your friendship with Sarah and whether you could bear to damage it. If it were me I’d need to take a while to ruminate on it all and let my lizard brain process all the nuance and possible outcomes while I sleep before I could figure out how to work through it in practical terms.

I also concur with @Herses last paragraph. Many of us myself included would like to think we could do what felt like the morally right thing, but it is so much easier said than done.

Whatever happens, I can’t imagine my friendship with Sarah would ever be the same again. I hope you find a way trough that doesn’t cause you too much distress in the long run.

@SummerWhisper
He's close to her because I am. As I said before she's been like my right arm for years, she's always been round at my house and been a big part of my life, my husband has just become friends with her because she was always there. When she wanted a new job because she didn't want to stay in the one she was in my husband said there were openings at the place he works as a supervisor (now manager) and he got her a job there. My husband is a very kind man and helps everyone he can, he does a lot for Sarah because we're the first people she turns to and we turn to her too.

@WisnaeMe

I predict Sarah now getting pregnant

Oh I hope not. However that did cross my mind.

[quote SummerWhisper]@WisnaeMe with the OP's husband?? [/quote]

Noooooooooo 😱 no OP's DH lol

by John 😳

they both realised during lockdown 'it was love' 😏 He's likely making no efforts to come clean or leave Emma and their kids.

Sarah is in her 30's, no kids yet.

that bio clock will be ticking loudly and Sarah will want John firmly beside her, after 4 years of hiding.

IMO 👀

But she's close to Emma. So she's clearly not a friend to be trusted.

**babyyodaxmas

I am 45 I have known my BFF since I was 6 (OMG 39 years), my other BFF since I was 16( 29 years). Those relationships are precious beyond riches to me, it would be incredibly difficult to replicate that level of intimacey starting now. Only my sister knows me better. They have both done things in the past that I didn't agree with as I am sure have I, but our friendship is stronger than that. Men come and go but good friends are priceless.**

Agree

Well... when Emma turns up on Mumsnet, I hope all those supporting Sarah stay away from the Thread.

Everyone make mistakes and I can understand wanting to preserve your relationship with Sarah. However, at present she’s not your friend. She has put you in an impossible situation (I suspect to have you do her dirty work so she can put pressure on Emma’s marriage). Sarah has asked you to lie to your husband. If she is happy to treat Emma in this way she can do the same to you OP.

I would ask them to tell Emma and if they didn’t I’d tell her. I would then remove Sarah from my life at present. Maybe in time if she has changed and if you both want to you can rebuild your friendship but atm you should drop her.

Sarah doesn't want me to tell my husband because she thinks he will lose respect for her but I think he'll actually stick up for her and not want me to tell Emma because he thinks a lot of Sarah.
I trust my husband and I know Sarah sounds horrible but I don't believe she would try anything with my husband and I don't think he would do it to me either. They're close and he's helped her a lot over the years so I don't worry about them.

May I ask you to consider that Sarah doesn't want you to tell your husband because she is sleeping with him too and doesn't want him to stop doing all he does for her?

I bet Emma trusts her husband

Perhaps you should worry about your husband and Sarah. It's interesting you think a person lacking morals enough to sleep with one persons husband for years wouldn't sleep with yours too?

Regardless, when someone shows you who they are consider yourself warned and believe them OP.

Good luck with with all this, you'll need it