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Original poster

Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

906 replies

MachineGinKelly · 03/04/2021 02:44

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 04/04/2021 10:31

Stop protecting Sarah.

It really is just chance that she’s fucking John and not your DH. She would have betrayed you just as easily as Emma.

The cost friendship group is already dead now - you can’t get that back regardless of what you do, so you may as well behave with honour and tell Emma. Yes I know it’s easier to do nothing and just talk endlessly about it but the right thing to do is to tell Emma.

It’s a time to decide whether ethically you’re the same as John and Sarah, or you’re better than that.

pam290358 · 04/04/2021 10:34

@guinnessguzzler. Emma may already have suspicions and may have chosen not to confirm them. This really isn’t anyone’s business but theirs.

Honeyroar · 04/04/2021 10:37

Wonder why the OP hasn’t commented?

crankysaurus · 04/04/2021 10:41

Suspect the OP has a lot to think about, this might be an easy decision to make for someone unaffected reading this on the internet but it might not be so quick and easy for her to make a decision on. And it will need the right time and place if she is to tell anyone.

Twoforthree · 04/04/2021 10:48

Well if you do continue to be friends with Sarah, I'd certainly be telling her I don't want either johns or Emma's name mentioned. I wouldn't be her sounding board.

I'm not sure I could keep it from Emma though. I'd be putting myself in her shoes too much.

NC4Todayx · 04/04/2021 11:07

What a mess. I can see it from both sides, your side as a friend, and how devastated Emma will be when this clusterfuck of a mess blows wide open.

Can you imagine what it will be like for Emma to know that the last four years of her life, were a lie? All the holiday photos, every time she and John made love - she'll look back and feel like a complete chump because all the time he was being a family man and telling her he loved her, he was fucking her friend.

I can't even describe to you the devastation this will do to her. What a pair of complete shits he and Sarah are. She deserves to know, she needs to know, sooner rather than later, it's just a question of who delivers the death blow. Sad

jessstan2 · 04/04/2021 13:29

@crankysaurus

Suspect the OP has a lot to think about, this might be an easy decision to make for someone unaffected reading this on the internet but it might not be so quick and easy for her to make a decision on. And it will need the right time and place if she is to tell anyone.
Absolutely. She now needs to work things out for herself and I do not envy her. It is a great pity she was told but I suppose Sarah was put on the spot when op asked what he was doing there and just blurted it out.
Parkerwhereareyou · 04/04/2021 14:25

All the holiday photos, every time she and John made love - she'll look back and feel like a complete chump because all the time he was being a family man and telling her he loved her, he was fucking her friend.

This. It will literally rewrite her life. And she'll have to catch up. It's a total mind-fuck and one of the cruellest things one person can inflict on another. Only this is two doing it to her.

Her close friend and her husband. My god.

WisnaeMe · 04/04/2021 17:59

this is horrible... really horrible.

billy1966 · 04/04/2021 18:00

@Parkerwhereareyou

All the holiday photos, every time she and John made love - she'll look back and feel like a complete chump because all the time he was being a family man and telling her he loved her, he was fucking her friend.

This. It will literally rewrite her life. And she'll have to catch up. It's a total mind-fuck and one of the cruellest things one person can inflict on another. Only this is two doing it to her.

Her close friend and her husband. My god.

Completely agree.

How is the OP ever to socialise with them all again.

Smile into Emma's face and make chit chat knowing that Sarah and her husband have been shaghing for FOUR years behind her back?

Utterly unconscionable.

I hope when it gets out they are utter pariah 's.

I certainly wouldn't want either of them in my home or in my circle of friends.

They both lack common decency.

I wouldn't want anyone thinking that treating your spouse and friend so appallingly was acceptable.

I know affairs happen, but within best friends it just isn't acceptable IMO.

Needhelp101 · 04/04/2021 18:05

@NC4Todayx

What a mess. I can see it from both sides, your side as a friend, and how devastated Emma will be when this clusterfuck of a mess blows wide open.

Can you imagine what it will be like for Emma to know that the last four years of her life, were a lie? All the holiday photos, every time she and John made love - she'll look back and feel like a complete chump because all the time he was being a family man and telling her he loved her, he was fucking her friend.

I can't even describe to you the devastation this will do to her. What a pair of complete shits he and Sarah are. She deserves to know, she needs to know, sooner rather than later, it's just a question of who delivers the death blow. Sad

^^This. As I said earlier in the thread, I was Emma a couple of years ago. I still have PTSD as a result.
Needhelp101 · 04/04/2021 18:06

@Parkerwhereareyou

All the holiday photos, every time she and John made love - she'll look back and feel like a complete chump because all the time he was being a family man and telling her he loved her, he was fucking her friend.

This. It will literally rewrite her life. And she'll have to catch up. It's a total mind-fuck and one of the cruellest things one person can inflict on another. Only this is two doing it to her.

Her close friend and her husband. My god.

And also this.
Notadramallama · 04/04/2021 18:44

When decent men were asking recently what they could do to try to stop male violence against women, they were told to call out the bad behaviour when they saw or heard it, shaming people into behaving better.

The same applies in this situation. I strongly feel that if, as a society, we made bad behaviour unacceptable, rather than just turning a blind eye it would make a difference.

I was in the wife's situation a few years ago, and what I found was that despite all of the previous answers here stating what awful people the two having an affair are and how they should be shunned, in reality very few people actually condemned them. They're even still friends with my cheating ex and my ex friend. I am the one whose life was turned upside down, they just carried on as normal.

Call them out. Tell them what they are doing is shit! And please tell the poor wife. Previous comments suggesting that she probably knows and is turning a blind eye are pathetic and a cop out.

Parkerwhereareyou · 04/04/2021 19:29

Smile into Emma's face and make chit chat knowing that Sarah and her husband have been shaghing for FOUR years behind her back?

  • and - think about this - NOT JUST fucking - also lying lying so much - and ... planning how to leave Emma and the kids on their own and set up a new family together. O.M.G.

They're even still friends with my cheating ex and my ex friend. I am the one whose life was turned upside down, they just carried on as normal

So sorry, notadramallama. So sorry. Yes that bit is so bad. It's awful how such an injury is just sort of forgotten. And you're the one left totally trashed. In so many ways.

I have to honestly say that this is something women have to sort out with women. Just like men have to sort out the scary behaviour with men.

NoJazzHandsHere · 04/04/2021 19:52

I have to honestly say that this is something women have to sort out with women. Just like men have to sort out the scary behaviour with men.

I agree @Parkerwhereareyou . If women withdrew friendship from friends who do this people would think twice.

IAmFinished · 04/04/2021 20:06

I had a friend of many years who casually told me that she"d been cheating on her husband on and off for years, and was currently, but the longest fling had been 3 years.
I binned her off.
She wanted me to be a support for her when she eventually left her husband. We'd been friends for over a decade and she hadn't divulged any of this stuff to me before, what kind of friendship was that?
I'd actually been feeling unsure about her for some time so was also quite relieved. Turns out she was an incredibly good liar and very manipulative.
Sounds very much like "Sarah".

tiredmum2468 · 04/04/2021 20:36

@MachineGinKelly

I would absolutely tell my husband without a shadow of a doubt!

Your "friend" has our you in a terrible position

And if your friend says anything about you discussing it with your husband then you just say you're a partnership and don't keep secrets

If my husband was cheating on me and a friend knew I'd be very hurt if they didn't actually tell me aswell x

Tistheseason17 · 04/04/2021 22:28

OP has not returned. Hmmm, wonder why.

jessstan2 · 04/04/2021 22:54

I think this thread is going round and round in circles with nothing new being added; everyone has had their say. The op is hopefully enjoying the Easter weekend with her family while this issue has been parked at the back of her mind until next week when she will decide what to do.

Original poster
MachineGinKelly · 04/04/2021 23:03

As someone above said there's just a lot of a repetition.

There's not much for me to add at this point. I've said what I know and what I've done. Some people have said to tell Emma or I'm a terrible person, some have said to keep out of it because it's none of my business and will blow up in my face, some have said I shouldn't have asked questions that lead me to this secret (it was the most casual thing, I just asked barely even caring why he'd been there)
I'm no further forward. I have no plan and no answers.

OP posts:
Cipot · 04/04/2021 23:06

I think it would be dreadful to leave Emma living this lie. She's had 4 years living with a man who doesn't give a flying fuck about her. Anybody would deserve to know. Why would you care how Sarah feels? She has no regard for anybody else.

BluebellsGreenbells · 04/04/2021 23:12

It appears that there will be a group of 5 friends with 4 knowing 2 are having a fling

The only person who doesn’t know is Emma.

How is she now going to feel knowing all 4 of you are hiding this from her?

LipstickOnYourCollar5 · 04/04/2021 23:16

John will never leave his wife.
Sarah has got to go as a friend.
Please tell Emma, then she can decide if she wants to continue to spend the rest of her life living with someone deceitful.

mrsh1807 · 04/04/2021 23:21

I’d stay out of it and just support my friend. You don’t have to tell your husband but that depends how you feel about keeping this from him. I never felt I had to tell my husband my friends secrets.

Perhaps encourage Sarah to come clean, but actually I wouldn’t do that either I don’t think. It’s not your secret to tell and I wouldn’t tell Emma. It’s on her husband. He’s the cheat.

Givemeabreakpls · 04/04/2021 23:22

I was Emma once - people I trusted knew about a four-year affair. I have never forgiven them for not telling me. They could have saved me month/years of being cheated on, lied to and exposed to STDs.