Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

[MachineGinKelly]

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

Op.....you say you trust your husband etc but I’m pretty sure you trusted your best friend.....yet turns out she’s been lying to you for 4 years?

To put it simply. It should be Emma’s choice how she gets to continue living her life, at the moment, Sarah, John and now you are making that decision for her. That’s not right. Everybody deserves the right to make their own decisions about their own lives based on fact, above having every one else deciding what’s best for them.

How old are the kids of John? Do you really think he would leave Emma and family for Sarah after 4 years? Set aside whether or not to tell Emma, sounds like the typical affair where the married man claimed he would leave the marriage and then it's never happening. I would advise Sarah not to trust John on that. Also if John keeps stringing both women along, it also means you need to bear this secret for a long time. I would definitely tell your husband. If you believe your husband will side with Sarah, no harm is done and at least no secret between you and your husband. If Sarah loses respect with your husband or at work, that's because of her behaviour not yours.

I absolutely do not agree that Sarah put the OP in a difficult position. The OP did that herself. She saw John going into Sarah’s home and asked why he did that. Surely she must have had an inkling what the answer would be - or did she expect to be lied to ? Either way she did it herself. Again, none of this is the OP’s business - just because she found out about it, does not make her judge, jury and executioner.

What an awful position to be put in. I don't think your should tell Emma or your husband, I think you should put your energies into persuading Sarah that she needs to end the affair for her own good. While Sarah is obviously in the wrong, the husband is the principle villain in all this, he's the one who made vows to Emma, he's the one stringing Sarah along. If you know and are trying to stop it, you don't lose Sarah and if and when Emma finds out, you haven't just sat back and condoned it.

It's worrying knowing a man can get away with cheating on his wife for 4 years and she not know but I trust my husband.

The sad thing is Emma would probably say the same.

As for him not leaving. Emma may well leave him when she finds out.

Well it sounds like maybe he won't leave.

In which case you and Sarah will have to keep this quiet forever.

Emma never finding out is the best option then for her.

So I'm changing my advice to:
Don't say a word
Persuade Sarah to ditch that loser

I would stay quiet & try & persuade Sarah to look elsewhere.

Let's hope Sassy Sarah isn't banging OPs husband as well. Whole situation is beyond wrong.

I don't agree that Emma never finding out is the best option. If the affair ends with Emma never knowing, it still has the potential to cause significant harm to her marriage, indeed, it likely has already done so. Whatever 'need' John is currently meeting through this affair won't suddenly disappear. When I say 'need', to be clear, I don't mean he is justified in cheating, or that it is anything to do with Emma or their marriage. But there is something motivating this behaviour. It could be he fancies exciting sex, the thrill of the chase etc as well as the security of marriage. If that is the case, will his desire for that diminish as this affair ends, or will he go on to seek it out elsewhere? Is it that he is desperate for a self esteem boost and chases it this way because he doesn't know how else to? Will that change when the affair ends? Is it that he is so cruel he actually gets off on deluding his wife? There are many other possibilities too but the point is even if it is simply that he was incredibly attracted to Sarah and found her hard to resist, his lack of ability to control his impulses also won't just disappear overnight. I don't believe that once a cheat, always a cheat, but I do think the reasons behind someone's choice to betray their life partner so horribly are so strong that unless they work incredibly hard to examine themself and their behaviour, they may fall prey to those same mistakes in future. Even if he doesn't go on to cheat again, will he find healthy ways to deal with any underlying issues, or will he pursue other problematic behaviours? Emma deserves the opportunity to make a full and informed decision about her future. It will cause her incredible pain but far better for her to know than to continue in her marriage without fully knowing who her husband is or has become. The damage is already there, she just doesn't fully understand it yet.

Emma may suspect but turn a blind eye, you can't rule that out. My aunt did similar.

I think you’re taking the right path here, by encouraging Sarah to tell Emma and in telling your husband.

Your friendship with her is the longer and stronger one, so (as hurtful as it will be to Emma) it’s the relationship you should protect. What she’s doing is shitty and selfish, but everyone can justify their own bad behaviour, to themselves, when it suits them to.

It sounds like the positives from your friendship still far outweigh the strain she’s put on you by revealing this affair.

I've only read the OP and not the thread - it's too long - but she's put you in an impossible position. You won't be able to look Emma in the eye ever again, knowing this about her husband.
I'd cut the friendship with Sarah. I couldn't tolerate their deceit.

I’ll never understand why people think that the people involved in an affair ending it or Emma never knowing means everything ends happily ever after and the heartbreak magically goes away and nothing needs to be confessed. The damage is done. Her husband has already had an affair and she has a right to know so she can make a decision about her own life. As other posters have stated, Emma deserves informed consent about what she wants for her future. She’s 32 now so has plenty of time to find happiness with someone else. Her not knowing robs her of her autonomy to change her future. She’s unknowingly (we assume) married to a scumbag who will most likely cheat on her again and again.

This might be unpopular but if it was me I’d say ok and then tell my husband anyway. I couldn’t keep it from him.

If you don't tell Emma then you are complicit in this and just as bad as Sarah.

Tell her.

OP states "...It's worrying knowing a man can get away with cheating on his wife for 4 years and she not know but I trust my husband....."
MarshalBradyo replied "The sad thing is Emma would probably say the same."

I agree.
Sarah doesn't care who she hurts.

I'd tell Emma. She's 32 and has plenty of time to make a new life with someone who won't shag one of her good friends behind her back for four years.

You might trust your husband, OP, but I wouldn't trust Sarah as far as I could throw her. She sounds like a piece of work.

Also OP, you need to spend more time considering Emma’s feelings instead of just Sarah’s or John’s or your husbands. What about Emma’s right to make a decision for herself? She’s your friend. Don’t you want her to have that? She’s the betrayed party here and the one that’s been wronged. Sarah has even told you that her and John are waiting for the right time for the axe to drop so they have the luxury of getting their affairs in order which adds to even more pain and deceit to Emma. She’s left completely in the dark and no chance to prepare for a future that gives her and her children a chance to be happy down there line.

I would be LIVID that my friend (albeit not a close one as Sarah - that’s irrelevant. She’s still a friend that you’ve had in your friendship group for years and you said you like her and what a good person she is) had been treated this way and I would want her to know to help her get away from a guy who treats her like utter shit and will cause her so much pain. My initial thoughts when Sarah told me something like that would be heartbreak for Emma and how I can help her deal with the revelation and then help her support and navigate her through rebuilding hers and her children’s life. Whether Sarah ends the affair or not is utterly irrelevant to whether Emma should know or not.

Definitely tell your husband or her lie will suddenly e you lying. I wouldnt tell Emma but wouldnt be impressed with a best friend lying to me and being so under hand to 'friends' then asking you to lie. Sarah may be showing her true colours now, be wary of her.

Sarah is trouble. For all you know she may have had a similar conversation with Emma about your husband. Let's face it working with your dh would offer up plenty more opportunities of getting together during lockdown and they have an existing good relationship.

Don't worry about Sarah, she has knowingly set about destroying the friendship group. Tell her and John that they have to come clean to Emma. She is the one you should be supporting.

@MachineGinKelly

Have you prepared Sarah for the likelihood that John will not leave his wife?

Yes. It's been the main thing I've said to her, I haven't seen Emma and John since before lockdown apart from in passing but they've always seemed to have a very solid marriage. I think she started out practical and then got more lonely through lockdown and jealous when she couldn't see him as much. But after 4 years I would have expected him to have left his wife by now if he was going to.

“She started out practical and then got more lonely and jealous”

Practical? Practical?! I know those are your words not hers but who the hell has a “practical” affair with the husband of a close friend.

I’m not one of those people who condemns every affair as beyond the pale. I can understand that sometimes people find their soulmate in these situations. But honestly this sounds like it started as a casual hook up situation which is just unforgivable.

And now she wants him because she’s “lonely and jealous”? Sorry these are completely the wrong reasons to break up someone else’s marriage.

Desperately in love and can only see a future with him, maybe. Lonely and jealous? Seriously, have a word with yourself Sarah.

Does she really see her future John? As a step-parent to his kids (amid all the animosity). Or does she just want him to leave Emma, set up a bachelor pad somewhere and she can just shag him when she fancies it?

@MachineGinKelly - do you really think Sarah initially started this relationship four years ago with Emma’s dh as a bit of casual sex? If yes, how do you feel about someone who would choose to have casual sex with the husband of a close friend (you say she is closer to Emma than you are)? If not, then Sarah is a liar who has always coveted Emma’s dh. Either way, she’s been a duplicitous liar for 4 years and has wrecked your friendship group regardless. Are you happy to potentially end up with just Emma as a friend and to lose contact with everyone else? Because I don’t think this is a situation where only your friendships with Emma and Sarah are affected. I think Sarah has stuffed up the whole friendship group.

end up with just Sarah* as a friend!

Bloody hell. What a mess. This is going to change so many peoples lives. I'm not sure I could feel the same way about my friends knowing this.

If I was Emma, I'd want to know. I would rather tell her, or tell Sarah and John that they need to tell her.

Your conscience is clear.

I think Sarah has stuffed up the whole friendship group.

Sarah is a wrecking ball. Not sure if you'll have the slightest chance of affecting her next move.