Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

[MachineGinKelly]

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

My loyalty is to my best friend.
I'd possibly tell my husband, but I'd be more likely to tell my friend I'm annoyed with her for involving me and I don't want to talk about it.
I certainly would not go telling Emma. It's not your place and you will not come out of it all unscathed.

Sarah sounds absolutely delightful. How nice of her to be shagging her friends husband for FOUR years.

Personally I would be speaking to John and telling him that he either tells his wife or you will.

Put the shoe on the other foot and imagine if it were your husband.....I'm sure you would want to know!

@HerMammy

No one is in the right here but the majority blaming Sarah, calling her allsorts; she’s not the one who is married!!! John is the worst out of them, lying and deceiving his wife and kids and using and no doubt lying through his teeth to Sarah, 4 years and she thinks they’ll be together, Sarah is very naive 🙄

This thread predominantly is about the situation OP is in. Whilst I fully agree John is truly a horrible person , it was Sarah who told OP, it was Sarah who tried to insist she didn't say anything.

Just because a man is being an ass it doesn't mean every women involved is an angel. Sarah might be naive about the affair but her manipulative behaviour towards OP is anything but naive.

How could you trust this Sarah again though, as a friend, knowing that she’s been secretly shagging another friends husband under her nose for 4 years! If she’s that sneaky and conniving to be having sex with a friends husband for that long and carrying on a friendship with the poor woman pretending nothings going on, obviously with no remorse or she wouldn’t have done it for so long, what does that say about her as a person?

It’d be slightly different if it was a married guy where she didn’t know the wife and had no dealings with her.

Will you ever meet up with Sarah, Emma and her husband at get togethers as you all know each other? Run into them in town etc?

I wouldn’t feel bad about telling Emma at all. Sarah put you in this position. Even if she has told you knowing you will tell Emma hoping it will force the breakup of Emma’s marriage, Emma still has a right to the knowledge that her husband’s been having sex with her friend who’s really no friend of hers and potentially putting her at risk of STD’s. She may even think something’s up but have no proof and he’s told her she’s nuts etc. Poor woman with friends like that, one shagging her husband and another who knows about it but doesn’t think she should tell her, she doesn’t need enemies does she! I can’t imagine how humiliated she’ll feel when she does eventually find out.

She may even think something’s up but have no proof and he’s told her she’s nuts etc. Poor woman with friends like that, one shagging her husband and another who knows about it but doesn’t think she should tell her, she doesn’t need enemies does she! I can’t imagine how humiliated she’ll feel when she does eventually find out.

This will bells on 👆🏻 so many people who have been cheated on have an inkling something is going on but can't prove it & are gaslighted into thinking they are jealous/possessive/paranoid etc, you have to tell Emma.

The PP who talked about Sarah's hypocrisy was spot on too, and the multiply posts referencing Sarah & your DH's friendship, I wouldn't trust Sarah at all anymore. She doesn't deserve trust or loyalty.

Regardless of anything else. No, just no. It's not your secret to keep. Tell your husband at the very least. Your best friend has been able to keep a secret like this from you for four years, that's not a best friend. I agree it's not your business but she has/sorry 'they' have made it your business to be involved. Don't tell Emma, that's their job, so please don't make yourself the easy way out for them.

@Dontbeme

Phone this John bloke, tell him his affair partner is flapping her gums about what they have been up to and you believe it is because she wants his wife to know, she is trying to force him to leave his wife and kids by outing him. Depending on his nerve he will either confess to the wife or drop Sarah like a hot potato. Whatever you do OP you need a better class of friend, I would be backing away from this group.

Yep this. John needs to shit or get off the shagging pot. 4 years. Ffs.

@Shinyletsbebadguys
By no means am I saying Sarah is an angel, she as much at fault. I don’t think she’s being deliberately manipulative, she probably needed someone to talk to about it and rather than lie about why he was in her house just told the truth; OP is her best friend.
Not telling her DH isn’t asking OP to collude etc it’s expecting friend to keep your confidence, I don’t tell my DP every conversation or information my friends share with me, likewise I have little interest in what he discusses with his best friend.

Just so we're clear: John's a cunt.

HTH for anyone thinking poor sarah is being unfairly persecuted here!

@snowone

Sarah sounds absolutely delightful. How nice of her to be shagging her friends husband for FOUR years.

Personally I would be speaking to John and telling him that he either tells his wife or you will.

Put the shoe on the other foot and imagine if it were your husband.....I'm sure you would want to know!

This isn’t true though. There’s many women who don’t want to know! It depends on the woman she may well know her own husband and choose to turn a blind eye... we don’t know!

So because you don't think she'll sleep with your own husband, you want to 'be there' for her?

Are you serious?!

When the shit hits the fan and it all comes out, you'll frankly deserve to lose all your mutual friends as well as she will.

What a crock of shit

@CandyLeBonBon

Just so we're clear: John's a cunt.

HTH for anyone thinking poor sarah is being unfairly persecuted here!

Absolutely. It's a complete given IMO.

Sarah has kept this from the OP because she knows she is scum too.
Only scum would do this to a best friend.

And the OP is lying to herself if she thinks Sarah wouldn't do similar to her too.

Lie down with dogs, don't be surprised if you catch fleas.

The OP should not be surprised if her continued association with Sarah bites her.

I’d stay well out of it. Husbands and Wives don’t need to tell each other everything!

@Torres10

Good people can do bad things, if she was my best friend she would have my loyalty.

That said I would be telling her to sit John down when he next pops round for 'tea' and telling him to go sort his sh*t out. If she doesn't feel strong enough to do that I would offer to oblige.

If it was my friend, I would know she had got herself into bad situation and I would try and help her extricate herself. Whilst what she has done isn't great, to me it pales into insignificance to his behaviour.

I agree with good people do bad things however this is in the friendship group so I don’t know how you wriggle out of this one. Plus for Sarah’s sake 4 years is a bloody long time it’s John’s bubble that needs to be burst and promptly!!

So you have serious concerns about your husbands moral standards too? Basically if someone is a really good person it’s ok for them to be sleeping with married men with children? So is it ok for him? For you? Or just Sarah because she’s so amazing? Fucksake.
Emma is 32. Let her spend her 30s being free to find someone who will put her first. Waiting till she’s 42 is not kind at all. It’s just adding yet more selfish and shallow and willing to destroy others lives to sarah and Johns tabs.

Agree with above. Don’t let emma suffer another 10 years of this. You could tell her anonymously so she doesn’t shoot the messenger but make it a kind message and clear you are telling her from a place of goodwill not mockery or spite

Sarah and John deserve no loyalty from you or anyone. It’s quite disgusting how she has treated a member of your friendship group

It was really unfair or her to burden you with this.

Yes. Free Emma.

Sarah is a piece of work, John is gross and your DH lacks a moral compass.

FREE EMMA!

Tell your Husband, take it from there 🌸

You say she is close to your husband and that she does not want you not to tell him, I’d be wondering if she doesn’t want him to know because she’s having a casual affair with him too and he thinks he’s the only one!

I’m afraid that this has crossed my mind, too. If Sarah has treated Emma, who is a close friend, in this way, then she’s capable of doing the same to you. Not necessarily now, but at some point in the future.

They work together, which is the number one place affairs happen. She's the last person I'd want spending alone time with DH. If OP tells her DH, his reaction will speak volumes I think

I can't keep up with all these posts so I can't reply to everyone I want to. But all in all I haven't made any decisions yet because I still don't know what's the right thing to do. I've been trying to get Sarah to come clean with Emma herself but it seems like a definite no, she knows John doesn't want to yet.
I wish she hadn't told me because I don't want to be a part of this.
I can see theres a big mix of opinions here with people hating Sarah and John and feeling sorry for Emma, I feel sorry for her as well, but I can't rush to tell her when it's going to be such a car crash for everyone involved.
I have told Sarah I'm going to tell my husband and even though she was upset she does respect my choice to do so, but I feel a bit cruel to throw this on him too.
And everyone telling me not to trust Sarah around my husband, thank you for the concern but I'm really not worried about that. It's worrying knowing a man can get away with cheating on his wife for 4 years and she not know but I trust my husband.

Have you prepared Sarah for the likelihood that John will not leave his wife?

Have you prepared Sarah for the likelihood that John will not leave his wife?

Yes. It's been the main thing I've said to her, I haven't seen Emma and John since before lockdown apart from in passing but they've always seemed to have a very solid marriage. I think she started out practical and then got more lonely through lockdown and jealous when she couldn't see him as much. But after 4 years I would have expected him to have left his wife by now if he was going to.

If I was Emma, I would want to know 🌸