Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

[MachineGinKelly]

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

Actually I think there might be some trip trapping going on here. Feeling a little goat like on reflection, if you catch my drift.

I guarantee when it all comes out, and it will, Sarah will reveal you knew to deflect some of the negativity from her and the guns will turn on you. Everyone will say you’re a bitch as though you’re equally culpable.

Tell your DH and distance yourself from Sarah. She’s nobodies friend.

You say she works with your husband? I wouldn't trust someone like her round my husband.

@savethatkitty01

I'd be more concerned with Sarah taking dibs at your husband, seeing as they work together! She's already shown she doesn't care about anyone else

Yes this. For alll you know, you may well have been 'Emma' and not known it. She clearly doesn't see marriage or friendship as a barrier to being any man she wants.

being with

@Limalama

Actually I think there might be some trip trapping going on here. Feeling a little goat like on reflection, if you catch my drift.

You think this is a troll thread? I don't think I've seen any troll-like posts and have read a lot of them.

Oh well, we don't have to carry on posting on it. We've all said our bit.

I think Sarah is really manipulative and I think she told you in the hope that it would force John to come clean to his wife with the aim of then leaving Emma and “choose her”. Idiot. There is no way though that I’d agree to be dictated by anyone, what I can and can’t tell my own husband. I’d feel betrayed if my husband kept something like that from me. She isn’t just content with wrecking Emma’s marriage, she wants to wreck yours too? Charming

@JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil

I guarantee when it all comes out, and it will, Sarah will reveal you knew to deflect some of the negativity from her and the guns will turn on you. Everyone will say you’re a bitch as though you’re equally culpable.

Tell your DH and distance yourself from Sarah. She’s nobodies friend.

Without a doubt. She is not your friend OP. No way would a close friend hide this shit.

I'm with @Shinyletsbebadguys post.

The key thing is sarah and emma being close friends.
Utterly unforgivable.

A good friend of mine had an affair 30 years ago when she was single, with a colleague.
Whilst I really wasn't impressed and I did warn her, I wasn't getting involved.
The colleague was slimey though, working abroad with three children at home. I didn't know his wife.
They finished up thank goodness within a couple of months.
A few months later his wife came over for a weekend for a huge company party, she was such a lovely woman.

About 3 months later a call from her came through to my phone, I thought, in error.
She asked me straight out would I do her the courtesy of telling her if he was messing around as she felt she was going mad and he was denying it. Gaslighting 30 years ago, but I hadn't heard the word.
She asked me to be silent if it was true, and I stayed silent.
She asked me had there been more than one. I remained silent.
She thanked me and I never met her again.
She divorced his ass and fleeced him😁.

I have absolutely no problem keeping stuff from my husband.
He doesn't have any right to my friends business, nor has he any interest.

But this is a shit show, and Sarah is putting OP and her husband in a line of fire.

Being associated with this type of infidelity reflects so badly on those that knew and implies a real lack of moral compass.

Mortifying.

Sarah is fucking her good/close mates husband, has been for 4 years whilst maintaining a friendly relationship with Emma, and you think you and husband are safe from that.

Hmm, sorry to say, I'd not trust her!

I would tell your best friend she’s being incredibly selfish asking you to keep this to yourself, which isn’t surprising given she’s been sleeping with her friends husband for 4 years. I would tell her you don’t know what to do about Emma but you can not and will not be keeping it secret from your husband, if he looses respect for her then that’s on her not you. For all you know she dosnt want him to know because she’s made a pass at him in the past....

I wouldn't tell DH because what if he disagrees with how you want to handle it and even wants to keep quiet?

I'd be tempted to say you want nothing more to do with it but your door is open when their relationship is over.

I'd also seriously consider a PAYG phone and texting Emma when you know her husband is out with Sarah and saying "Your husband is with Sarah at X restaurant/her house NOW."

Think about who you want on your side when this blows up. If you tell, WITH PROOF then the worse that happens is you lose friends for doing the right thing, in which case it's no loss to you. Or you may keep your friends, apart from one who is currently shagging her best mates husband. I know if want friends who would tell me, not one shagging her mates husband.

Or you could get proof and arrange to meet Emma and Sarah and sit them down and say "Emma, Sarah has something to tell you."

No one is in the right here but the majority blaming Sarah, calling her allsorts; she’s not the one who is married!!!
John is the worst out of them, lying and deceiving his wife and kids and using and no doubt lying through his teeth to Sarah, 4 years and she thinks they’ll be together, Sarah is very naive 🙄

I'd also argue the point that Sarah wants Emma to find out so it's just moving that forward.

Sarah can't judge you for betraying her when her betrayal is worse.

If I thought that my partner would want to keep quiet and not say anything it would be enough to put me off of him.

They’re both as bad as each other. She might not be married but she was well aware that her FRIEND was married when she shagged her husband. She was just as aware as he was of his family and the hurt that it would cause them all. She’s been a smiling assassin for four years. He and her are both totally despicable. As low in morals as you can get. They deserve each other.

True, Sarah isn’t married. But her lover is married to a close friend of hers. That is a betrayal in itself and is the reason why she’s getting a lot of stick on this thread.

Phone this John bloke, tell him his affair partner is flapping her gums about what they have been up to and you believe it is because she wants his wife to know, she is trying to force him to leave his wife and kids by outing him. Depending on his nerve he will either confess to the wife or drop Sarah like a hot potato. Whatever you do OP you need a better class of friend, I would be backing away from this group.

@Mittens030869

*You say she is close to your husband and that she does not want you not to tell him, I’d be wondering if she doesn’t want him to know because she’s having a casual affair with him too and he thinks he’s the only one!*

^I’m afraid that this has crossed my mind, too. If Sarah has treated Emma, who is a close friend, in this way, then she’s capable of doing the same to you. Not necessarily now, but at some point in the future.

I wondered if this might be the case at some point, that Sarah also has eyes on OP's DH.

She's put me in an awful position when I can't even tell my husband because they work next to each other everyday and she doesn't want to lose his respect, I think even he would probably tell me not to tell Emma because he adores Sarah too and would do anything for her.

If he's putting Sarah's feelings ahead of yours, OP, then it's time for a serious talk with him.

Just pump 'john' then you're all square

I trust my husband and I know Sarah sounds horrible but I don't believe she would try anything with my husband and I don't think he would do it to me either. They're close and he's helped her a lot over the years so I don't worry about them.

Doesn't mean a thing.
bet Emma trusts her husband as well.

they're close

How close?
You're not there at their place of work.
They may be closer than you think.

Sarah is a master manipulator. She only cares about herself. She is prodding you to tell Emma so that Emma kicks the husband out and Sarah gets to keep him.

I also wouldn't trust her with your own husband. If you have good morals your relationship with Sarah is over anyway. You maybe could overlook a drunken one night stand and still be friends with her. But a four year affair ?? And Sarah still interacts and is sweet to Emma?? That is despicable.

No one is in the right here but the majority blaming Sarah, calling her allsorts; she’s not the one who is married!!!
John is the worst out of them, lying and deceiving his wife and kids and using and no doubt lying through his teeth to Sarah, 4 years and she thinks they’ll be together, Sarah is very naive

Sarah isn't naive.
The reason she is getting so such stick is because she hasn't just had an affair with a married man (which is bad enough), she has made a conscious decision to repeatedly sleep with a friend's husband. She has been lying to her friend, playing friendly, and probably heard about Emma's relationship, and then jumped into bed with John when she has the chance. She has also deceived her friendship group and has brought the OP into this whole affair, leaving the OP in an awful situation.

John isn't off the hook here by the way, but there is a reason Sarah is getting a kicking.

Oh, and naive people who make a mistake or happen to fall for a married man don't socialise with him and his wife for years before 'accidentally' getting caught.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

I agree with Onesailwait, say nothing. It's for the affair partners to tell - and Emma's husband is the pinnacle of this.

If you say something, OP, you will blow up the lives of several people. It's not your story to tell. You can though tell Sarah that you are angry that she told you this as it's put you in a very difficulty position. I would tell here that I don't want to hear another word about it.

I do not understand women who say to tell your husband. It's nothing to do with him, Sarah didn't confide in him and she is your best friend. It's not you having the affair so why must you trot along and blurt it out to him? That is a bit pathetic, nothing to do with vows and everything to do with gossip. My advice is don't do it - you're just spreading the chances of it being passed on.

You can keep quiet without being complicit and without being a gossip either.

Sarah couldn’t ‘keep quiet’.

It’s OK for her to offload on the OP. But the secret-telling / ‘gossiping’ / whatever you want to call it buck must stop with the OP?

Why is the OP, out of everyone in this sorry saga - assuming it’s real - being held to the highest standard?

If Sarah feels she needs to share the burden with a confidant, why should the OP also not be entitled to, if she so wishes?

Sarah expects people to be loyal to her. But she’s not loyal.

Sarah expects to be able to confide in people. But she won’t allow those she tells her to secret to, to do likewise.

The hypocrisy is strong in this one.

And for the record, I’m not encouraging the OP to divulge Sarah’s dirty little secret to Emma or John.

That’s up to them - though I would be strongly encouraging them to come clean themselves.

But this idea that the OP must not do X or Y, while Sarah blithely does, just doesn’t stand up to scrutiny.