Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

[MachineGinKelly]

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

I haven’t RTFT (but will), but wanted to say I used to have a best friend who would have loads of affairs, leave her husband for one and the come back and I didn’t tell her husband but didn’t agree with what she was doing. When her husband found out I knew I was somehow then a huge enemy and should have said etc. If it all comes out that you knew you may find the whole group turns against you.
As it happens she eventually left him for good for her latest who turned out to be a scum bag who dumped her months after and her ex husband is happy with someone else. I don’t speak to her any more, she’s awful in more ways than one.
Emma deserves to be happy ... she deserves a choice in who she should be happy with.
What a difficult decision OP.

TonTon:

"Once he (op's husband) knows it will inevitably get out into the wider world very soon..."
.......
Why, do you think op's husband spreads gossip? The chances are, if she tells him, he will just advise her to stay out of it and then will say no more about it. He'd probably prefer not to know, frankly, and will relegate the information to the back of his mind.

It probably will come out in time from some other source or even the guy himself. My hope is that they stop it now but after four years, that is going to be difficult, especially for Sarah. I hope against hope she doesn't become pregnant!

We often have to choose between the easy thing to do, or the right thing to do.

I feel for you OP, as you have unwittingly been put in this situation.

You must tell your husband, and not allow Sarah to control your actions.

The sad thing about this (other than the obvious) is that the friendship group is really a fiction, and by not telling Emma you're only prolonging the inevitable fallout. I realise life is not black and white, however I agree with PP who say you should give them time to come clean before you tell Emma. You may be unpopular, but at least you won't be complicit.

It's her seedy little secret, not yours, but she has no right to expect you to conceal the fact she is disloyal and dishonest, and a very poor friend to Emma. Worse, she expects you to conceal her l from your husband.

As a work colleague, he needs to know she is unreliable, deceitful and disloyal and can't be trusted.

I would reply to her " Without trust there is no friendship. Stay away from us". I would also say to John "You need to know that Sarah is talking about your sordid affair with her; DH and I both know.."

There is no way I'd keep this from my DP. You may find it helpful to talk it through with him.
I couldn't be friends with Sarah after this.

I agree with this.
If it comes out later it could damage your marriage.

Also what is up with Sarah?
She could have easily made an excuse.
Why does she want to burden you with this now???
She has been very selfish and really put you in am awkward spot here...

So what is the excuse for keeping this quiet even longer ? The longer the affair and the lies surely the more it’s going to hurt .

Either they are going to be together or they are not .

I would. Make her sweat . Say you feel like you are in a terrible position and you are not sure what you are going to do . So as a friend She should at least not expect you not to tell your husband .. And they should come clean now and face. The music

Sounds to me she wants the best of both worlds and has no respect for anyone else .

Your “friend” pisses in her own patch. You’re daft to trust her around your own dh after saying she is also very close to the “friend” whose husband she has been having sex with for four years. And so much for liking to keep things casual - it’s not friendly behaviour to casually have sex with the husband of a close friend and then gradually “discover” they love each other, so she’s probably lying about that too, especially since she has known him for years. He’s not someone a normally functioning person would ever have had casual sex with. She wanted him for herself from the start. Either that, or she is like the ex-partner of a close friend of mine who had casually slept his way around the entire friendship group while she was with him, and she was the only one not to know until someone new to the group told her.

She’s coming between you and your DP by asking you not to tell him. Plus you think he’d side with her, anyway - this is unnerving. This friend is not to be trusted so why put her wishes and demands above everyone else’s?!

I think I’m in a minority of one here, but I have zero tolerance for this sort of thing. I’ll probably get my ass handed to me for saying this but how about you mind your own business !! You found out about them by mistake and if you hadn’t seen them and brought it up to Sarah, you’d still be none the wiser. You said that you and Emma are not close and wouldn’t speak other than as part of the group, so why do you feel the need to tell her ? There are children involved here and you’ll be breaking up a family and ruining someone’s life - and for what ? How do you know that the affair won’t fizzle out ? Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but once lockdown is eased and they have more opportunity to see each other again, they may not feel the same urgency and the whole thing may fizzle out without Emma ever finding out. The heartache will thus be avoided. And yes I know, he’s a shitbag for doing this, blah blah blah, but I repeat, it’s none of your business, so don’t touch it with a barge pole.

I'd be having a word with John

I trust my husband and I know Sarah sounds horrible but I don't believe she would try anything with my husband and I don't think he would do it to me either. They're close and he's helped her a lot over the years so I don't worry about them.

Don’t you think Emma would say the same about herself, John & Sarah?

I would tell your husband. Personally I wouldn't put Sarah's feelings above my ability to share my worries with my husband. That is intruding on my marriage in my view. No one gets to dictate to me what I share or don't share with my husband.

I'd also be angry that she puts her reputation with him above my feelings on this and the stress she has caused me. She sounds like she has a deep internalised need for male approval at the expense of throwing other women under the bus.

Sorry but the friendship circle is blown and I'd be backing away from Sarah. Not because she's having an affair but because she's a narcissistic, self absorbed hypocrite who is more worried about herself than the harm she is doing to those around her, including the distress she was causing me by putting me in a horrible situation that impacts my marriage.

But that's just me.

OK OP, in the kindest way, it’s time to be a grown up.

Sarah can tell you want she wants but you have the right to decide what you do. If you need to then tell your husband - I think you could do with someone to talk it through with and Sarah shouldn’t be putting you in the position to keep secrets from him. But that’s as far as I’d go, talk to your husband and then keep out.

Lotally with LimaLama. You should tell your husband and tell Sarah that you are telling your husband. Your friendship with her is going to go up in smoke, BTW, but so might your marriage if your husband finds out you had this info and didn't share with him. She has put you in a very difficult situation and I'm guessing she hasn't got the self-awareness to put herself into someone else's situation - it's all about her. In other words a narcissist.

So Sarah thinks she is doing a favour to Emma by not taking him away just yet but later. No!! If they are going to break up let Emma be a 32 year old back on the market rather than a 42 year old. I suspect John (and Sarah) are happy to keep on having an affair until he needs to pay minimal child maintenance!!!

Seriously I just don't believe if John was no longer on the scene she would not make a play for your husband. She has no respect for Emma, why would she have any for you?

Sounds like death by cop to me. I bet Sarah would actually be quite happy if you spilled your guts and it triggered John and Emma's marriage to collapse.

My advice: do not tell your husband, do not tell Emma, do tell Sarah that you want to know precisely nothing else about John and if he was as decent a prospect as she thinks he should be leaving his marriage.

100% tell your husband - you need his support and RL advice here

Regardless, if this comes out (after you deciding not to say anything) I can’t imagine your DH will be too happy that you didn’t tell him

Regarding the Sarah/Emma/John situation - I honestly don’t know what I would do in your shoes. I’d probably want to pretend it wasn’t happening but would encourage them to come clean to Emma now as it will be too hard for you to keep the secret for them

pam290358 Sat 03-Apr-21 17:54:27
I think I’m in a minority of one here, but I have zero tolerance for this sort of thing. I’ll probably get my ass handed to me for saying this but how about you mind your own business !! You found out about them by mistake and if you hadn’t seen them and brought it up to Sarah, you’d still be none the wiser.
........
You make good points, pam.

I have no idea how I would feel in the op's position but might say to Sarah that I really wish she hadn't told me and could we please never mention it again. If it does come out eventually, Sarah doesn't have to tell anyone that the op knew about it.

Oh gosh it's all deceit isn't it. I wish the op hadn't seen John call at Sarah's house, or if she did, not asked why, or that Sarah had made some excuse for him calling. Then we wouldn't be sitting here worrying over it.

Hate to say it but when I read that she didn't want you to tell your husband part of me wondered if thats because she's also having an affair with him and she doesn't want him to know she's 'cheating' on him

I'd tell Emma personally. Why? Because I have been the cheated on wife, and it feels like a double betrayal when you find out your friends knew but didn't tell you.

Sarah doesn't sound like someone I'd miss if I never saw her again.

So Sarah is complicit in dividing Emma and her husband, and now she wants you to keep a secret that won't only divide you from your husband, but you from Emma. Think about that, OP.

I have questions.

OP you’re shaken by this shocking revelation and empathise with Emma to the point you’re contemplating jeopardising your best friendship in order to do the right thing by the victim of the affair. That says a lot about your values and personal moral code. Yet you say your husband adores her and would do anything for her, presumably including maintaining the deception. I’ve been around these parts long enough to know that not everyone agrees that shared values are a prerequisite in a marriage but how do you feel about that? How does it make you feel to know you’re wracked with stress over your discomfort at your complicity while you anticipate your husband would probably unquestioningly put Sarah’s friendship and feelings above all else? And she’s not even his best friend? I’d feel weird about that disparity.

Also. I’m curious about the other one (two?) people in this friendship group of ‘about’ 6 people. Are they closest to Emma and John or you and DH or Sarah? How do you think they would feel about it all if they knew? What do you think they would do in your situation? How do you think they would react if they ever found out you knew and didn’t tell Emma or that you went ahead and told Emma even though Sarah is your best friend?

iolaus

Hate to say it but when I read that she didn't want you to tell your husband part of me wondered if thats because she's also having an affair with him and she doesn't want him to know she's 'cheating' on him

I wondered this but I all honestly I find it odd op would start a thread and reply 3 times when it's 22 pages in, not sure what op wanted really but it's slightly rude to start a thread and pretty much walk away and not engage when people take the time to reply.

@iolaus

Hate to say it but when I read that she didn't want you to tell your husband part of me wondered if thats because she's also having an affair with him and she doesn't want him to know she's 'cheating' on him

That's a big leap. We have no reason to think that Sarah is a habitual husband snatcher and would op's husband be interested anyway. It sounds like she has really fallen for Emma's husband and he is at least giving the impression that he has fallen for her. A four year affair is quite a long time. Blimey, Sarah is now 32 so was only 28 when it started! She has wasted four years of her young life in my opinion.

What Sarah has done and is doing is pretty bad (same for John), but there is no reason to try to add things and make it worse.

@haliborangemrmen

I'd tell Emma personally. Why? Because I have been the cheated on wife, and it feels like a double betrayal when you find out your friends knew but didn't tell you.

Sarah doesn't sound like someone I'd miss if I never saw her again.

Emma never needs to know that the op knew and she won't unless Sarah tells her which is not likely.

I honestly think the op should just fade out of the friendship group for a time.