Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

[MachineGinKelly]

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

100% Tell Dh and then tell Emma

This is the definition of a Clusterfxxk.

Sarah truly is lowlife.

But I think you have to be very careful.
It is going to blow up and to be quite honest I really wouldn't want to be around when it does.

When it comes out, Sarah, who clearly has zero loyalty to ANYONE, will throw you under a bus as someone who KNEW, and by keeping quiet, approved.

Expect to be very harshly judged by your shared circle

John is utter scum.

I feel very sorry for Emma and her children.

OP,
You strike me as both nice but unbelievably naive.
A decent man would NOT support what Sarah is doing, even if he liked her.
A decent man would be appalled, just as any decent woman would be.

If my husband was anything other than appalled I would be shocked and disappointed.

The absolutely worst part of this is that Sarah and Emma are close friends, without a doubt.

Disgusting, unforgivable behaviour.

I feel sorry for you, but you are going to be judged very harshly for keeping their secret.

There is something truly awful about a close friend going off with your husband.

It really breaks the heart of the spouse left behind.

I couldn’t keep her (their) shitty little secret. They’ve been lying to all your faces while you’re all been friends. Just because she’s shagging someone else’s husband, not yours, doesn’t mean she is being an open, fair, good friend. They’re both really low, horrible people. Personally I’d message her and tell her you’re not prepared to lie to your husband or keep any nasty secrets from Emma. I’d tell her you’ll give them the easter weekend to decide what to do, but you’ll be telling your husband then. Why should you keep her dirty little secret to make her look better? Tell her you’ll support her throughout the fallout (if you want!), but not the lie.

I was cheated on years ago. What hurt me the most was the realisation that other people had known and not said anything. I felt like a fool and never thought of them as friends again.

this story seems fishy to me. why? It’s actually incredibly common for people to have affairs with friends’ husbands/wives.

Off the top of my head I can think of at least three people whose husbands had affairs with good friends of their wives, and one who even had an affair with his wife’s sister.

I think it’s a lot more common than people want to admit, because people feel stupid for not having known their partner was off shagging someone in their friendship group while they were seemingly oblivious.

People professing they would stay loyal to the friend as ‘it’s not as though she’s committed a crime’ - honestly I’d have more respect for someone who was a thief than this.

The thing is, we're all strangers basing our judgement of Sarah's entire character on 3 posts on the internet.

What she's doing is a bad thing, the fact it's a friend involved and she's dragging OP into it as well is pretty bloody awful, but we it's only the OP that really knows her.

Tbh I think it's John that's the proper c*nt in this scenario as it's blatantly clear he's playing both Sarah and Emma.

I don't think it's fair of her to demand OP doesn't tell her husband, and I would be telling her that whilst I know, I don't want to engage in any more discussion or knoe anything else about the matter.

You should share this with your husband if that’s what you want to do. I wouldn’t be making any excuses for doing that, and I’d be upfront with Sarah that you weren’t going to keep secrets from your husband.

Otherwise I’d keep out of it. Emma isn’t a close friend, so I’d avoid getting dragged in to it.

People professing they would stay loyal to the friend as ‘it’s not as though she’s committed a crime’ - honestly I’d have more respect for someone who was a thief than this

So you’re ok with someone committing an actual crime, taking something that isn’t theres..... as long as it’s not another human?!

theirs

I think your update where you say Sarah and Emma are good friends changes everything. If Sarah was just in a friendship group with Emma but not particularly friendly, it would still be awful but the fact they are close tells you all you need to know. If she can do it to her she can do it to anyone and that would make me very nervous about her relationship with my DH. How can she continue to be friendly to Emma knowing she’s shagging her husband? It takes a real piece of work to be able to do that! When Emma finds out (which she will eventually) she will feel so betrayed by both of them.

Sarah is an absolute arse if she has allowed herself to form a close friendship with Emma these last four years. And seems to have your husband on her side too. How would he feel if he later found out you kept it secret from him?

I wonder if Sarah wants it out in the open and is using you?

She told you something in confidence and yes, it’s a mess but you shouldn’t involve yourself by telling anyone else. It’s up to her and ‘john’ to sort themselves out. It seems likely the dam is breaking and it’s all going to come out anyway.

What an awful position you've put yourself in, OP. At the very least, in your position, I'd tell my husband; otherwise you are lying to your husband by omission - not a position I'd like to be in such a partnership. 🌹

Tell Sarah that now her secret has been shared with you, you do not want to keep this from your DH.

Once he knows it will inevitably get out into the wider world very soon, and all shades of shit will hit the fan. This is their fault, they can hardly be surprised that it has come to this.

Sarah and John need to be prepared to be honest with Emma and decide what they are going to do to sort out this mess they have made.

A similar thing happened amongst a group of parents st DS's school a while back. The guilty pair were together for a very short time, his marriage broke up and he's now married to someone else.

Her marriage broke up, don't know what happened to her.

Her husband decided he would like one of her other friends, so she went off with him, leaving her husband - three bust marriages, with the kids from three families having to be ferried here there and everywhere to spend weekends and holidays with people they didn't really like!

What an awful position you've put yourself in, OP.

Well to be fair, OP hasn't put herself in any position has she?. Her friend did that. How is OP responsible for her friend's actions?

@Newestname001

What an awful position you've put yourself in, OP. At the very least, in your position, I'd tell my husband; otherwise you are lying to your husband by omission - not a position I'd like to be in such a partnership. 🌹

Oops sorry - brain fog: a position your friend has put you in! 🌹

@Turquoisesea

I think your update where you say Sarah and Emma are good friends changes everything. If Sarah was just in a friendship group with Emma but not particularly friendly, it would still be awful but the fact they are close tells you all you need to know. If she can do it to her she can do it to anyone and that would make me very nervous about her relationship with my DH. How can she continue to be friendly to Emma knowing she’s shagging her husband? It takes a real piece of work to be able to do that! When Emma finds out (which she will eventually) she will feel so betrayed by both of them.

Yes I was actually thinking the same about Sarah being around your DH.

If she has allowed herself to do this to a close friend, then she deserves no loyalty at all herself.

This is how these women operate. They happily take all the good things from friends/partners around them - trust, love, kindness, respect, whilst actually repaying them with the opposite - lies, disloyalty, cruelty, total disrespect. They trample the people who give them everything.

And yes I did mean to say women. Because I think Sarah is a specific breed (thankfully quite rare) of a deeply manipulative, self-centred and competitive woman.

You owe her nothing.
Just work out how to help Emma.

Definitely definitely tell your DH. Why should Sarah continue for one second to bask in the pleasure and satisfaction of him rating and liking her?

It will fuck her off, a lot. And ... ?

@CandyLeBonBon

What an awful position you've put yourself in, OP.

Well to be fair, OP hasn't put herself in any position has she?. Her friend did that. How is OP responsible for her friend's actions?

Quite right thank you - and I've corrected my post. 🌹

@Newestname001 😁

Or some lame Adele Parks novel.

If I'm totally honest my response would be this

I'd step way back from Sarah and relegate her to the birthday and Christmas aspect of the group. She's been incredibly selfish and entitled in the way she has treated your friendship. The insistence to share this sort of secret and then emotionally blackmail you into not telling your husband etc would be so far over the line, well the line has become a distant memory. She could have kept it quiet. She could have accepted telling you may risk it coming out.

Nope , she handed you a firework and then told you to hold it until it explodes and burns you. That's not a friend.

I would tell your DH for two reasons. One this situation has an impact on you and you need to talk to someone. Two honestly I would be her motives for keeping it from your DH that her relationship with him has crossed into EA territory. I would seriously tell your DH very soon.

Personally I wouldn't tell Emma. As much as I admit this isn't the morally right position , you will get absolutely caught in the crossfire. You have done nothing and in this scenario you are very unlikely to walk away unscathed. I wild have the rule that I would not outright lie to Emma but nor would I offer the information.

Its awful what they are doing to her . However she may not believe you , she may already know and be planning to leave quietly. Sometimes setting the bomb off burns you the most.

I would be clear with Sarah that you are done. I only say be polite and engage on events if you want to stay friends with the rest of the group. Let's be honest that won't continue after he leaves Emma (if he even does).

I don't claim this is the nice or morally correct way to respond but I do think it would remove you from it in the least consequential way possible.

Good people can do bad things, if she was my best friend she would have my loyalty.

That said I would be telling her to sit John down when he next pops round for 'tea' and telling him to go sort his sh*t out. If she doesn't feel strong enough to do that I would offer to oblige.

If it was my friend, I would know she had got herself into bad situation and I would try and help her extricate herself. Whilst what she has done isn't great, to me it pales into insignificance to his behaviour.

What a horrible situation to be in OP. Secrets and lies are so destructive.
I do not think Sarah can impose secrecy on you as her actions are hurting others.
It may be best to tell the truth to your DH, Emma and John.
“Sarah told me she has been having an affair with John for 4 years. I thought you had a right to know this.”
Then you have stated the facts as you know them.
Let them all decide what to do with that information just as you have had to.
I think that whatever happens the “friendship”group will break at some point.
Come out of it with your own honour intact.

I would be keeping well away from all this business, and let the people involved, sort themselves out. People who divulge personal stuff to another person,and wan't it to become a secret, are way off mark, and are presenting a problem to another person.such as you.

Sometimes ,groups of women and friends can get into these kinds of personal situations, But I would never get involved with anything, I wouldn't be bothered who was having a secret affair.or whatever they get up to.

The behaviour of Sarah and John speaks volumes about their character and I’d be cutting them out of my life. People who are capable of such long term deceit don’t deserve your friendship. And keeping their secret whilst Emma is none the wiser makes you complicit in the devastation that’ll erupt when the truth comes out eventually.