Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

[MachineGinKelly]

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

I'd not say anything to anyone if it were my best friend. Then again, my husband probably wouldn't be remotely interested anyway.

The main dilemma for OP is duty/ pros and cons of telling DH.

OP, I would say to him: " Sarah told me something, and told me not to tell you, dear. I don't like being told not to share things with you, but I know that you hate a lot of tittle tattle and other people's personal stuff. To be honest, dear, I also think that if I did tell you what she said to me, it might make your working relationship with her...and, actually, work generally, more difficult for you. I wish I knew what to do for the best!"

You might be surprised what he says. He might give a look and say: " Is she having an affair with someone? She's hinted she's seeing someone unsuitable. " He might say, " Oh, she said she might be moving house", or " She said there are changes afoot for her."

I think the above might be a good way of going about things.

I really think this situation is doubly complicated because of the work and big social group angle. Probably even friendships between the kids.

I wouldn’t keep something like that from my DH. Your friend should not put you in the position of trying to. We don’t have secrets, I would hate to have to keep anything from him (and I wouldn’t anyway).

I wonder if the OP's husband would give a fuck if she told him either way to be honest, I'd be surprised if it damaged her marriage on the basis of him finding out she'd kept it from him. Men tend not to be very interested in this kind of thing.

@Twinkie01

You're as bad as your vile friend and it's v v fishy that your husband would stick up for her if he found out. Do none of you have any morals? That poor woman, those children, their lives will be ripped apart and you're complicit in that. Of it comes out that you knew you'll have no friends left. Just vile Sarah.

To whom is this addressed? The op has only just been told and who has said her husband would stick up for Sarah if he found out about the affair?

The op is extremely troubled by what she now knows, please have some sympathy. Her husband probably knows nothing - and frankly, wouldn't want to know.

Difficult situation. I wouldn’t say anything to anyone else, but I’d tell Sarah how uncomfortable you feel, although you love her and don’t want to lose her as a friend - if that’s true, or has this made you value her much less? Tell her you’d appreciate her not mentioning it again, perhaps? Good luck.

ILoveRossGeller
I agree with you.
I was talking to DH about this principle of people who tell their other halves everything from their friends because they're married and it proves how much they trust each other. He laughed. This matches my experiences of friends. Female friends seem much more likely to tell their husband/partner details about their friends' lives.
As soon as I find someone considers them/their husband a single entity, they stop being someone I would confide in.

I think Sarah's playing every single one of you...

Strange how Sarah doesn’t want your husband to know that she is sleeping with your mutual friends husband because she doesn’t want him to lose respect for her yet doesn’t mind you knowing. Either she doesn’t care whether you have respect for her or not, doesn’t value your opinion of her as much as your husbands or thinks you’re so desperate for her friendship that you’d be complicit with her in deceiving Emma or downplay the reprehensible immorality of the situation.

And why is everyone’s husband in the friendship group so enamoured with Sarah? Why would your husband “stick up for Sarah/defend her” when he found out and not have the normal reaction of being disgusted that she was destroying the lives of a mutual friend who you describe as a really lovely person?

This thread will probably rumble on for hours and OP doesn't seem to want to hear what the majority are saying. The basics are:

Sarah is not your best friend. She has been lying to you for 4 years.

Sarah has no conscience, she has been having an affair with her other "friend" Emma's husband.

Sarah doesn't care about either of you, despite how charming and lovely she appears to be, it's all an act.

Please consider why, after four years, she is telling you this now. She is trying to back John into a corner with you as leverage.

Please consider why she doesn't want your husband to know. That alone should ring alarm bells.

This is not a friendship group, it's just a convenient bunch of people to socialise with. Two of whom are having an affair, one is being gaslighted and betrayed by her friend and husband, one is now being pressed to stay silent about it in order to help them cover it up.

My parents were often in situations like this. Not them but the friendship group they were thrown together with (rural location, 1970s, not much else to do). A lot of affairs were going on, they always, always got found out and a lot of people got divorced.

My parents saw the light and distanced themselves from these toxic, vain, people. They never had many friends after that but saw it as a better option.

You need to have a word with your husband, OP.

If this is your BF and she has disclosed something private, you owe it to her at present to keep her confidence, particularly as she works with your DH and specifically asked you not to tell him. bollocks. The OP owes her nothing. Nobody is owed the confidence of being able to disclose that they’re shagging a good friend’s husband and believe that anyone who knows should keep it confidential. She lost that right the instant she opened her mouth.

I absolutely would tell your DH, not just because of the fact that contrary to what some seem to think, it’s actually quite normal to discuss things with your partner. But also because Sarah’s insistence that he not know because of what he might think of her would ring alarm bells for me.

I would bet money she’s been flirting with him, telling him how lonely she is, etc etc etc, and while he might not be reciprocating, she wants to keep the illusion of poor lonely single woman because she thinks that maybe one day, when John gets bored of her, he’ll be the one who takes up John’s place.

Absolutely no reason not to trust your DH, but Sarah has form for shagging friends’ husbands, if you’ve seen it to others, you know she could do it to you.

I would take the power of what DH thinks of her away from her.

And I would laugh in her face at her insistence that John’s planning to leave Emma “when the time is right.” It’s the oldest line in the book. I read somewhere that if a man hasn’t left his marriage within 6 months of starting an affair then he never intended to do so.

@LolaSmiles I agree with you. There are some situations where of course you need to share something sensitive with your husband, say for instance someone asked to borrow a lot of money or something. But some things should just be "friendship business" and I have no time for anyone who thinks they have a right to break my confidence to tell their husband something completely irrelevant to him simply because "we're a team". Fuck that noise.

I do really think the OP should tell her husband but only because she needs emotional support in dealing with a terrible situation that's been put on her shoulders, not because it's any of his bloody business.

I think OP would be sharing with DH because the disclosure has rocked her faith in human nature and she wants his emotional and moral support to regain her equilibrium. She should be able to share with him on this basis. Different maybe, if Sarah has mentioned having an affair with a random married man who is unnamed and not known to OP.

Surely if OP is going to be distancing herself from Sarah, DH might ask why? Horror of horrors, Sarah might say to him that she hasn't seen OP for a while, and DH will berate OP for not being sociable enough to poor single Sarah in her lonely pad. Then OP will have to say.
It's going to involve OP telling other half very soon, when the friendship group goes up in the air, so she may as well do it at a time of her choosing and not Sarah's. That's all it amounts to, the timings.

I can't imagine what I would do if my best friend told me something like this. For one thing I would have to say it would be so out of character its hard to imagine myself in that position.
But I do think I would keep that secret. But I would be encouraging her to own up herself in a set time frame. I would also support her through the fall out. It would obviously mean sacrificing the other friendship which would make me sad.
Ultimately I guess it would make me question the friendship and I suppose that it might well fizzle out.

Hands down, I would not tell my husband.
You don't need another voice telling you what to do.

Plus, I know my husband wouldn't want to know, why share the misery?

Sit on the info for a while and think it over.

But self preservation is your goal.
And it sounds like she tjinks John might be stringing her along and wants you to push things along. Think about it, if she tells Emma then john will be angry with her and might stay with Emma. If you tell Emma then Emma may be embarrassed and kick him out or he might be able to worm his way back in.

Say nothing. Or tell Sarah that you disagree with what she's doing but won't say anything to anyone. Then in a few months do the anonymous note.

I do think someone made a good point about removing yourself from the group, that could be an option.

But don't tell your husband, mine wouldn't want to know. You didn't even want to know so don't share the misery and drag him in and feed her drama.

Your latest update makes a huge difference. Emma thinks she is friends with Sarah, but Sarah is sleeping with her husband. Emma deserves to know who she's dealing with.

If Sarah wasn't friends with Emma then things might be different, but Emma is being betrayed by both her husband and Sarah. When the three of them are together, Sarah and Emma's husband have this huge secret and that would be enough for me to tell Emma. It's such a horrible thing for both of them to do to her. I'd definitely reconsider my friendship with Sarah now.

When Emma does find out - which she will - and she knows that you knew, too, then she won't forgive you.

Sarah has made it your business by telling you of the affair and is trying to make you complicit in keeping her secret.

So Sarah doesn't want to lose your husbands respect because they work together but she isn't bothered if you lose your husbands respect by keeping the affair secret, she has no respect for you, she has dragged you into this knowing full well that it puts you in the very awkward position of being damned if you tell, damned if you don't. When the truth finally becomes common knowledge you could lose the friendship of the whole group.

I was in Emma's position, my soon to be ex husband was having an affair with a mutual friend, gradually everyone in the friendship circle became aware of what was going on and almost all of them chose not to tell me, 2 friends did tell me (albeit in a roundabout fashion) and out of the whole friendship group they are the only one's that I'm still friends with. They dropped both stbxh and the ow as friends before telling me and for that I will be forever grateful. They both said that they can understand why nobody else wanted to tell me (some thought it was none of their business, some didn't want to get involved, the rest had known the ow longer than they had known me and didn't want to lose that friendship) but both agreed that they told me because they thought it was the right thing to do and they would like to think that their friends would do the same for them if they ever found themselves in my position.

Whatever you choose to do now is up to you. Would you put your friendship with Sarah before your marriage?

It makes me laugh that you don't think Sarah would try anything with your husband and that you're husband wouldn't do anything. In the next sentence you say how close Emma and John are! Your husband would do anything for Sarah? Sounds like there could be more to it that Sarah's letting on and I'd be very wary of her around my husband if I were you.

@bluebell34567

this story seems fishy to me.

Why? There is nothing unique about it.

Many years ago, when I was in my twenties, I had a next door neighbour whose husband had an affair with a mutual friend who was also married. It ended, then started up again. Eventually it ended for good.

I've known single people (girls and women), completely and utterly infatuated (or 'in love'), with a married person who constantly occupies their thoughts and with whom they long to be. They live for their meetings. They know it is wrong but are so hung up on this person who gives the impression of feeling the same way.

It happens. We are all human and vulnerable at different stages of life. Nobody sets out to deliberately hurt someone else.

The best outcome for this scenario would be for Sarah and Emma's husband to call a halt to their affair, which may happen now someone else knows. Then, after licking wounds for a while, for Sarah to find someone single.

Let's hope that happens.

Your DH knows all the people involved, he’s best placed to advise you.
Your friend doesn’t want you to be able to talk to him in case he disapproves of her behaviour.
She’s no friend.

I don’t think you should tell Emma but you can definitely discuss with DH.

I think this friendship group is about to end.

This is like something out of Dr Foster

@wishingitwasfriday

It makes me laugh that you don't think Sarah would try anything with your husband and that you're husband wouldn't do anything. In the next sentence you say how close Emma and John are! Your husband would do anything for Sarah? Sounds like there could be more to it that Sarah's letting on and I'd be very wary of her around my husband if I were you.

I know right! I assume it didn’t even cross Emma’s mind that Sarah would try it on with her husband either but here we are! Added to that, your husbands resolve to defend Sarah’s honour regardless of how repulsive she is is perplexing.