Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

[MachineGinKelly]

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

She's put you in a very difficult position. Personally there is no way I'd not tell my husband - no one has the right to ask you to keep secrets from him in my view, so I'd tell him. However, I wouldn't tell anyone else and I'd let it runs it's course - either it'll come out or blow over.

She has possibly told you and asked you into to say anything but she's hoping you spill the beans and do her dirty work for her. My guess is that she's hoping this comes out and John then leaves Emily for her.

. She's a lovely woman and while me and her are not close, she's very close to Sarah and it feels even worse knowing they do talk a lot and they've always been good friends

Yet you don't think she would do the same to you even though she is close to Emma and is close to your husband? You think your dh would stick up for it very strange most would be digusted. I think your very naive and I wouldn't be surprised if she hasn't done this to another friends husband. Make sure she doesn't stab you in the back too.

I am shocked at how you consider Sarah as such a wonderful friend. She's so close to you that she only told you when she got caught after.. 4 years!

She really is not a nice person. She is having an affair with Emma's husband and Emma considers her a close friend. Jeez - if that's friendship how does Sarah treat people she does not like. Even if you are not close to Emma, OP, Sarah pretends to be and has continued this charade for 4 years - total b*itch.

You have rose tinted specs on OP. Sarah sounds like a very insecure person who validates herself with casual relationships because she cannot do something permanent and committed - and what better way to show how attractive you are than to have sex with your close friend's husband.

Now, Emma's DH is also a pig in this, let's not forget this - but he's not in your girl friendship group.

It's Emma I feel bad for.

I also think Sarah has shagged your DH and that's why she does not want him to know.

I doubt Emma's husband would leave her for Sarah. But what a dilemma.

Personally, my DH is my best friend so I would tell him what has happened. If he backs Sarah I would be concerned about his motives. My DH would be horrified.

I would step back from Sarah as a friend or you will be her affair confidante and it will end very badly for you as the person who knew everything but did not say anything. But, if you do say something, it will also come back on you!

Sarah has put you in this position and she would not be my friend anymore.

I normally don’t like pile-ons, and I tend to judge the married person more because VOWS, but Sarah sounds like a prize penis. Four years of friendship with a woman while fucking her husband? Is there any reason why she’s so idolised in the group? Fake, much?

Oh gosh, I was hoping at least that Sarah and Emma weren’t close friends but the OP has updated us to say that they are.

People professing they would stay loyal to the friend as ‘it’s not as though she’s committed a crime’ - honestly I’d have more respect for someone who was a thief than this.

That’s tough. I would be there for my best friend over anything but if she was having an affair with a mutual friends husband, that would be tough.

In Emma’s position I would unequivocally want to know. My mind immediately goes to tipping her off anonymously, but that may be hard to carry out in practice.

I couldn’t consider this two faced, lying, nasty. lowlife woman a friend anymore in OP’s shoes and I’d definitely be telling the deceived wife immediately.

I couldn’t have it on my conscience that I was party to causing immense pain and distress to someone else, let alone someone I knew well who was being made an absolute fool of.

Imagine if it was your DH this woman was having an affair with OP, and someone in your circle knew, would you want them to tell you?

@SmashedAvocado

I couldn’t consider this two faced, lying, nasty. lowlife woman a friend anymore in OP’s shoes and I’d definitely be telling the deceived wife immediately.

I couldn’t have it on my conscience that I was party to causing immense pain and distress to someone else, let alone someone I knew well who was being made an absolute fool of.

Imagine if it was your DH this woman was having an affair with OP, and someone in your circle knew, would you want them to tell you?

My sentiments exactly. 100% this.

You say she is close to your husband and that she does not want you not to tell him, I’d be wondering if she doesn’t want him to know because she’s having a casual affair with him too and he thinks he’s the only one!

^I’m afraid that this has crossed my mind, too. If Sarah has treated Emma, who is a close friend, in this way, then she’s capable of doing the same to you. Not necessarily now, but at some point in the future.

So in short Sarah is keen for men to like her but actually doesn’t give a fuck about women...

I could manage not to tell my dh, at least initially. Two things occur to me:

Do you think she's hoping you'll tell Emma and force him into moving?
Is John in a situation where he wants to end it but can't in case she tells Emma

In all honesty I don't know what I'd do in your situation as I wouldn't want to force John into leaving. Only you know whether you think she's pressuring him

Personally I'd keep out of it. I've experienced similar myself and now I understand the phrase "shoot the messenger". If you want to loose both friends then a go ahead and tell Emma.

In my thirties I would have told you the opposite but I've learnt through experience of life that a lot of people do a lot of really shit things. Stay out of it and live your life being the best person you can be whilst avoiding the drama the best you can.

“MadeInMonaco

So in short Sarah is keen for men to like her but actually doesn’t give a fuck about women...”

This ^

I was put in this position.

I couldn't face the husband as I was terrified about lying to him. Of course I told my DH. He helped me
Navigate my feelings and we slowly distanced ourselves from the group socially.
She was keen to remain all chatty and didn't take the hint, between just the two of us.

And then she used me as a cover one day, and called me to tell me about it.

We are not friends anymore. I bump into her very occasionally and it is polite but that's it. I have no desire to socialize with her at all.

I grieved our friendship, whilst not as long term as yours it was a significant friendship and we were very close.

Think carefully.

Wow. What an awful situation to be put into.

I don't normally want to judge 'other women' too quickly, but Sarah's level of deceit is staggering. And no, she can't expect you to keep this from your husband.

One way or another this will come out and it will be devastating for Emma. I'd try to team up with your husband and together urge Sarah and John to either stop their relationship or own up to Emma. It's difficult for you to tell Emma as learning about this from a relatively distant friend would add to the humiliation and you will be the messenger who gets shot.

But if Sarah and John won't ask, eventually I think I'd feel compelled to ask Emma to go for a walk and broach the subject, if with trepidation. Again, it's the massive deceit that is just toxic to be complicit in.

Sarah has let you down - commiserations on that - but if you still value the friendship, I'd try to put across to her that John is unlikely to be as keen on leaving Emma as she hopes, and in a way she's being strung along by him too. It sounds like she would like to settle down after all, but she's chosen an unavailable guy. Maybe you can help her address that. What a mess. Good luck!!

IMO, it's highly likely Sarah will speak to your DH, herself, about this - probably once it's got out a bit. She'll want to put her side first, if she is conniving. DH will think that you don't disapprove that deeply of infidelity if you kept quiet for her, and that you haven't been rattled and upset by the disvlodure. You are rattled. I doubt if you'll be able to hide that upset feeling from your DH whenever Sarah's name comes up between you. Don't try to hide it - you deserve his emotional support with this troubling situation and ethical minefield which has been dumped on you.

She sounds conniving because it seems she wants you to know so you can help explain the affair to others, in a way which is sympathetic to her, when it gets out more. I think this because the 'not the right time, yet, to get together' could mean, they need to warm friends up to the idea first. What else could be the reason? The age of his kids? Finances? I feel that if it was the latter two, she would be trying harder than she has done to keep the affair a secret. But no; you've been chosen as her messenger, and warmer-upper. You're the first of the friends she values to be told, and more disclosures will follow when you've told her whether mutual friends are prepared to stick by her. She probably wants to know from you whether your DH will still be the same and helpful towards her when he has to go on working with her.

You're as bad as your vile friend and it's v v fishy that your husband would stick up for her if he found out. Do none of you have any morals? That poor woman, those children, their lives will be ripped apart and you're complicit in that. Of it comes out that you knew you'll have no friends left. Just vile Sarah.

I’d tell Emma.

Sarah is no friend, anyone who can choose this level of deception is not a good person and wouldnt think twice of treating you the same way.

Perhaps you should just be grateful that she didn’t fancy your husband otherwise you could be in Emma’s shoes.

How utterly repugnant she is. I’d be disgusted at calling her my best friend. With friends like that....

You're as bad as your vile friend and it's v v fishy that your husband would stick up for her if he found out. Do none of you have any morals? That poor woman, those children, their lives will be ripped apart and you're complicit in that. Of it comes out that you knew you'll have no friends left. Just vile Sarah.

What a ridiculous and irrational post, the OP is doing nothing wrong! 🙄

I'm beginning to think op is sarah and is sounding the situation out. It seems off how she wrote in her update that Sarah's not a bad person and that her dh would stick up for her. Majority would be utterly disgusted a married man behaving like that and a so called friend whilst keeping up the pretense for 4 solid years. Shameful behaviour. How someone can do that and pretend to be their friend.

I don't believe that married couples are a single entity who have to spill their friends' confidences in the name of trust, so I don't think you should tell your husband.

The messenger is always shot, and my concern would be that Sarah has been good enough at hiding the affair for years without feeling the need to tell OP, so why do it now? Part of me would be concerned that Sarah is actually being quite manipulative and hoping that the OP might out the affair and then Sarah and John will be together.

What's more likely in that situation is the OP tells Emma, shit goes down, the OP loses her friendship with Sarah because she betrays Sarah's trust, Sarah and Emma do the pick me dance, John realises he can't possibly be without Emma and they decide to work on things, Sarah is ousted from the group for sleeping with someone's husband. Emma and John remain part of the group and Emma will create a version of events where John is a good man who was cruelly pounced on by predatory Sarah and the poor man couldn't help but stumble into bed with Sarah for 5 years. The group will have to play along with this. If the OP is lucky, she might get away with being shot for breaking the affair, and life gradually gets back to normal.

If she's unlucky then John will deny everything, invent a story of Sarah being in love with him, and John and Emma will decide nothing every happened with him and Sarah. Sarah will be presented as a devious scarlet woman who hunts for other people's husband and ousted from the group. Emma and John will paint the OP as someone can't be trusted because she has already made up horrible rumours to break their marriage up for Sarah. OP gets shafted. John and Sarah probably continue occasionally sleeping with each other.

Sarah is an evil repugnant bitch.

She has approx 3.5 billion, BILLION men to choose from on the planet but no she picks her very close friend's husband.

She's a marriage wrecker - in that she doesn't want a committed long term relationship with anyone, she just wants casual and you can pretty much guarantee that once she gets John she won't want him anyway, the thrill of an affair is always the illicit secret, the person you 'wanted to be' rather than the 'couple who are now together out in the open'. Affairs are never about the sex, it's about the people wanting to be something other than what they are now, a different version of themselves. Then when the outing comes, often the relationship fails for lack of sizzle and excitement. They are both severely deluding themselves. She doesn't really want him. She is emotionally crippled so much so that she only wants what other people already have and finds some sort of validation in having someone else's "goods".

John is a total dick as well. He is equally to blame. He is an evil repugnant man who should know better than to cheat on his wife. What is he thinking? To break the hearts of his children and his wife. To break their world apart - for what - sex?? A few moments of feeling fantastic for a lifetime of family happiness?

I would

a) tell Sarah I couldn't be her friend anymore while this was going on. Remind her that she has over 3 billion other men to choose from. Tell her to end it or you will be telling Jon.

Remind her she is about to nuke a very nice close friendship circle that has existed for nearly 2 decades due to her emotional and moral incompetence.

b) move to plan B if she won't and tell John to end it and if he doesn't you'll be telling Emma.

If they both won't tell Emma, then you move to plan C which is to tell Emma and watch the whole sorry mess explode in front of your eyes.

Your friend is no friend. She's emotionally and morally bankrupt.

She could have chosen anyone ANYONE else - but she chose someone else's man in her friendship group.

Pure evil, both of them, in my view.

Yes tell your husband and seek his advice. I would also be very very worried she'd shagged him too. It sounds like she validates herself by seeing how many of her friends' husbands she can bag.

Sarah would be no friend of mine. If she can do that to Emma, she can do that to you too, and may well have.

I'd stay the fuck out of it, but I'd tell DH as I wouldn't keep a secret from him. I just asked DH what he would do and we both said stay the fuck out of it at the same time.

Lots of people know their sposes are having affairs and choose not to dig too deep. Emma might already know but doesn't want to leave for whatever reason and she may be very upset about you telling her.

I would feel as torn as you and probably make myself ill not knowing what to do.

I have learned over the years, that when I don't know what to do because it's an emotional entanglement, I have to break everything down into an equation. And then do things one step at a time. It's the only way I can make decisions. So:

Loyalty:

Sarah vs Emma
Winner: Sarah

Sarah vs your DH
Winner: Your DH

So first loyalty is to him and your marriage. You are carrying a secret but you can share with him (no matter what Sarah says) because he trumps Sarah.

That's your first step.

Then at least you are not in this alone and you can talk to your DH about what to do with the knowledge. I think I would then probably tell Sarah that now you and DH know, it has to come out. By the sound of things, they were planning to 'announce' at some point (allegedly) so they will just have to do it on your timetable, not theirs.

You don't have to lose Sarah as a friend, but she has to be a friend to you too. It's too much to ask you to carry.

Poor you and poor poor Emma.

So in short Sarah is keen for men to like her but actually doesn’t give a fuck about women...

Not just any women either....her closest friends!

Jeez. She’s no friend. She actually doesn’t care what her female friends think of her...just the opinion of men, John and your husband...

Think about this OP.