Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

[MachineGinKelly]

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

Purely to make things easier on yourself I would say nothing and tell yourself it's their secret to keep or not.

@MadeInMonaco

I know Sarah sounds horrible but I don't believe she would try anything with my husband

I would disagree. Sarah and Emma are very close and she is doing it to her. Just think every time Sarah and Emma speak or exchange messages or meet up, Sarah is doing so knowing she is having an affair with Emma’s husband. For four years! Her values and attitudes are different in that she clearly enjoys having casual relationships and is happy to do this with other people’s husbands! Boundaries? Respect? Where?

This. I'd step back from all of them tbh. Don't think she wouldn't do it to you.

She's not a friend. She's selfish and has brought her mess to your door.

I would feel very uncomfortable if my husband was that fond of another woman

What really sticks out to me is this:
when I can't even tell my husband because they work next to each other everyday and she doesn't want to lose his respect

MY GOD she wants things all her own way, doesn't she?! She wants someone else’s husband, to wreck their marriage but she also wants to keep the good opinion of your husband!! Well, there’s a really easy way of being thought well of.......and it’s not to behave like she has the morals of an alley cat. Plus you say she is v close to Emma!! The cruelty is breath taking and I do not envy you your position.

@randomer

I think its unwise to have a friend who is like your right arm, she has played you.

You shouldn't have close friends in case they cheat??

"Sarah doesn't want me to tell my husband because she thinks he will lose respect for her but I think he'll actually stick up for her and not want me to tell Emma because he thinks a lot of Sarah."

Sarah wants to have her cake and eat it too.

So, Sarah wants to continue shagging John behind Emma's back and destroying Emma's marriage, and she wants you to lie to your husband and put your marriage under strain, because don't kid yourself that it won't.

Sarah is not your friend. The Sarah that you think of as "like my right arm" was an illusion she maintained for her own ends. She has lied to you to four years and at the first opportunity shifted the burden of secrecy off her own back and on to yours. With a side-order of strain on your marriage. Fuck. That. Shit.

She could have kept her dirty little secret to herself. Made up some guff about John dropping something over, picking up something she'd borrowed or coming to help her with something. But no, she pulled you straight in to her affair, she "instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years", she "blurted it out to me without even trying to cover up ". She burdened you with her secret and asked you to lie to your husband so that she could still be the Golden Girl in your husband's eyes. Sarah is not your friend.

Do not allow Sarah's wishes to cause a rift in YOUR marriage. Talk to your husband, because keeping Sarah's secret will eat you up and spit you out. Be honest with your husband. If he doesn't respect her it will be because of her actions not your truthfulness.

"Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them."
She's kidding herself. And yes, it's possible, as others have mentioned, that her telling you is a calculated move to force John's hand. In which case, she's even less of a friend to you to use you in that way, but nonetheless, tell your husband. Don't bear her burden.

What a shit situation Sarah has put you in. I would tell DH without a doubt. There should be no secrets like that in a marriage and she's being unreasonable expecting you not to tell him. FWIW I have a friend who once put me in a similar situation (it was more had a one night thing with a friends partner), she told me not tell DH but I did and she sort of figured out I had done this. Since then she hasn't told me any other awful little secrets which I'm happy with (this wasn't her first dodgy behaviour with a friends partner).
Now onto Sarah. She has put you in an awful situation. I know if I was Emma and I would want to know and if I knew you knowingly kept it from me I would betrayed by you as well. I would have a very good chat with Sarah, tell her you're disgusted and shocked and see what she says.
She has embroiled you in her situation too which is totally unfair.

@CoraPirbright

What really sticks out to me is this: when I can't even tell my husband because they work next to each other everyday and she doesn't want to lose his respect

MY GOD she wants things all her own way, doesn't she?! She wants someone else’s husband, to wreck their marriage but she also wants to keep the good opinion of your husband!! Well, there’s a really easy way of being thought well of.......and it’s not to behave like she has the morals of an alley cat. Plus you say she is v close to Emma!! The cruelty is breath taking and I do not envy you your position.

Couldn't agree more.

It's not like normal friendship, it's like blood brothers who have vowed on their lives to be friends forever, if you have to stick with someone forever who behaves as Sarah is doing.

As a friend, warn Sarah that John will probably cheat on her, in future, if he is so abominally callous and unprincipled towards Emma and his kids.

The above is the friendship you owe Sarah, as to condone by default is to mislead her as to what any right- minded person would surely believe is going to happen to her life.

Op reading your update she really does sound awful on every level.

She could have kept her dirty little secret to herself. Made up some guff about John dropping something over, picking up something she'd borrowed or coming to help her with something.

Yes, thinking about it she could have done exactly this, but she chose not to.

@JustLyra

Don’t keep it from your husband.

My Nana had a saying “You don’t have to tell your other half everything, but the second someone tells you not to you should...”

I live by that. DH doesn’t need to know everything I know, but there is no way I’ll ever allow anyone to say “I told her not to tell you” and put a wedge between us. I definitely would not be risking that with someone who has the morals to be shagging a friend’s husband for years!

I agree with yours Nanas saying. I don’t think Sarah is vile but she has shat on her own doorstep and that’s the worst part of it all!

She's put me in an awful position when I can't even tell my husband because they work next to each other everyday and she doesn't want to lose his respect, I think even he would probably tell me not to tell Emma because he adores Sarah too and would do anything for her

A lot of the husbands in your friendship circle seem to "adore" this Sarah and willing to do anything for her. Great big red flags all over the place. Maintain your silence if you want OP, but don't be surprised when you're next.

You say she is close to your husband and that she does not want you not to tell him, I’d be wondering if she doesn’t want him to know because she’s having a casual affair with him too and he thinks he’s the only one!
If she has been having an affair with a mutual friends husband and kept it a secret from you for four years do you really think she’s incapable of having an affair with your husband too?
I would tell your husband and Emma, this would likely result in a breakdown of the friendship with Sarah but I wouldn’t consider someone who could be so deceitful a friend so I’d cut ties with the whole friendship group.

I'd be putting an anonymous note through the wife's door at some point tbh. They're not being very discreet so I doubt you're the only one who could know.

Sarah doesn't want me to tell my husband because she thinks he will lose respect for her

Well that's tough shot really, and a risk you take when you play dangerous little games.

If She was adult enough to have an affair with her mate's husband then she's adult enough to face the judgement that will bring.

And if your dh thinks defending her actions is a good idea, I'd be giving him the side-eye. I'm not saying he should stop being friends with her but he shouldn't be cheerleading her either!

@EssentialHummus

I'd be putting an anonymous note through the wife's door at some point tbh. They're not being very discreet so I doubt you're the only one who could know.

Very true!!! What must Sarah’s neighbours think!! Especially in lockdown people have been at home a lot more..

Everyone seems to be talking about sarah and obviously her behaviour is terrible. But she's in a terrible situation too, albeit of her own making. John is not a catch, he's a lying prick. I'd be tempted to remind Sarah of the old saying 'when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy'. If she had her own interests at heart she (Sarah) would bin john off. And so, indeed, should Emma.

I admit I honestly don't know what I'd do in your position, but its fine to give yourself some time to take it all in, and just sit with it for a bit. Despite those saying they would owe their friend unquestioning loyalty, I think in your shoes I would come to realise that Sarah was not who I believed her to be, and I would need a little time to mourn and adjust tothe loss of what has obviously been a really important friendship in your life - even if I didn't end up cutting her off, I don't think I d feel as close ever again. I don't think you need to decide what to do until your inner dust has settled, if you see what I mean.

Sarah chose to tell you this but wants you not to tell your own husband so that she still looks nice and decent in his eyes.

Sarah wants to shag her mate's husband but her mate not find out so she still looks nice and decent in her eyes.

Sarah's a selfish prick. I'm not mates with people I know are selfish pricks.

You can't be as close as you thought if shes kept this from you for four years while socialising with you individually and as a group with the man she's fucking and his wife.

The entitlement and brass neck of her is astonishing. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that.

Don’t hide anything from your husband, he should know. You need trust in your relationship even when you’re watching someone else’s fall apart.

‘Remember how you got him, because that’s how you’ll lose him’. Sarah will get her Karma. And I’m sure John will too. The pair of them sound disgusting.

I hope when Emma finds out, she will have a good network of support, the betrayal of this is breathtaking.

Don’t assume your husband is off limits to her. You trust Sarah, she’s your best friend, Emma trusts Sarah, she’s her best friend.

[quote fizzandchips]@Needhelp101 I'm so sorry you have been in this situation. I have been supporting a friend who discovered her husband's affair. The only thing that has helped her is knowing we were as shocked as she was and didn't have a clue. If some of her friend's had known and didn't tell her that would have destroyed her as it would have been even more lies and betrayal.[/quote]
Thank you @fizzandchips.

I think it's hard for some people who haven't encountered people like Sarah and John sociopaths. They are very, very good at putting on a front.

The only way Sarah can make herself feel not a fool or a cad in all this, now she's admitted it to you, at least, maybe to another, is if John and she get together, and become a regular - perhaps, in her eyes - 'respectable' couple. She will be pushing for this now, so that it seems to be a love-fuelled coupling - maybe with question marks over how sound was John's marriage, and convenient slanting and re-presentation of the history.

If your DH realises that you were happy to keep quiet for a best friend, and the other husbands understand this reality too, it kind of cements the notion that women don't hold infidelity as an ultimate taboo, and it's ok and ok to ask people to conceal, stay stum and lie for you. Other partners may feel emboldened to cheat and ask their good mates to be a listening ear and even an alibi.