Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

[MachineGinKelly]

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

Wow OP!!!

Sarah is selfish she should not of told you she made her choice and she should of kept it to herself!!!

I think you need to explain to your friend that it is selfish of her to have roped you into the situation.

I wouldn’t go and tell Emma though as unfortunately for you, you may loose your best friend over this if you feel Emma should me told let it be John or Sarah be the one to call that shot!

Interested to know how you will get on..

I think its unwise to have a friend who is like your right arm, she has played you.

I think Sarah is out of control. She is being too open, if you've seen John going into her house. She isn't hiding things.

She feels confident that John will leave Emma, I think, and is, on some unconscious level, preparing the ground for this by telling her friends about the relationship and making it a soon-,to-be official fact which is about to happen. I feel she thinks that her close friends will end up accepting the new couple.

I think you have to drop Sarah as a friend. She is hurting a lot of people. It will be right for you to tell her that you have had time to think, because at first she dumped the news on you, and that you are going to tell your husband because you don't have secrets. Tell her he is as capable of separating work and friendship because he is a professional, but he probably won't approve of her, now.

I think you could say to Sarah that if she is determined to put her own convenience first, and romance married men, you are not sure that you trust her around anyone. She might come on to your husband.

Say she might have had four years of shared time and growing closeness to convince her she and John are soul-mates, but, presumably, in the beginning, she hardly knew him ( he doesn't work with her - how does she know him, by the way?) and just decided she fancied him, and selfishly disregarded the fact that he is married. Maybe it started out as casual like her other romances, and she thought a married man would save the teci of explaining she doesn't want commitment. Say, she isn't harming a partner of her own ( not sure if she has kids to hurt), but she is hurting the well-being of many other people.
If you speak out, and, being open as she is, she tells John, he might decide to break it off. If you say nothing, all the friends risk being complicit in deceit; John might be sleeping with other wome n and giving Emma STDs. And poor Emma is none the wiser.

First you have my sympathies at being expected to hold a secret about another friend.
Have you thought what will happen when it does blow up? It certainly will.

It is almost certain that you will lose Sarah if she gets together with John. Because you and your DH would have no respect for them.
How will Emma react when she finds out you knew at some time previous?

How will your DP react when he finds out you knew and kept quiet. That could go either way.
Might the best alternative, or rather the least worst is for you to put pressure on John. Explain to your man that you cannot keep the secret. Make John face up to the responsibilities and realities. Speak to him directly in clear language.

Definitely tell your husband. Sarah has no right to tell you what you can and can’t tell him. It’s completely reasonable of her to expect you to keep a secret from him.

Then discuss the matter with your husband. The two of you know these friends better than the people on here, you might be able to work out between the two of you what to do next.

Sarah can't be that much of a close friend, if she's been in love with John for years and OP thinks she is enjoying casual relationships with various people. Doesn't the conversation ever turn to: " Have you had any hot dates lately? Or been anywhere nice with someone?" OP would probably say something to Sarah, like : "I like hearing about all these restaurants, because DH and I are stuck with the kids at weekends ". Has Sarah been making up dates to OP, to cover for seeing John, or is she seeing lots of men and, therefore, risking passing around STDs? How can you be close friends and not touch on love life? Seems like Sarah has been conceding and pretending and therefore not bringing anything good or of value to the interconnected friendship group
Ex. Sarah could at least have made an excuse to not go out in a group when Emma is going to be there.

If you say anything that reveals the secret you will lose your friends and destroy the group.

Myself and DH has in the last 6 months dropped a friend who was cheating on her husband.She was cheating with a man who had a partner and said partner was a good friend of hers too.

We couldn't get past what she was doing and the lives she was destroying.I'm sorry but nobody is forcing Sarah to be having an affair with John.It's the lowest of the low.I feel sorry for Emma who likely is suspicious of the fact that John has probably been on his phone a lot,can't account for his whereabouts,etc

If my DH was cheating on me and my friend knew and didn't tell me I wouldn't be able to forgive said friend.

And if Sarah's not above sleeping with her friends partners then frankly I wouldn't trust her around your husband either.

I'm sorry it's been a few hours since I replied I've had a hectic morning and it's just taken me a while to try and read through the replies.

Some details people were asking for. Emma and John have kids, all from the beginning of their marriage and none while he's been seeing Sarah. Sarah has no kids and has never been married, she's never been in a long term relationship and her partners have always been casual so I've never asked too many questions because it's just who she is, I was aware she was seeing someone on and off for the last couple of years but she had told me it was someone else and they just met up and had fun once in a while so I was not that involved in the details.
I didn't suspect anything, I saw John go into her house and assumed Emma was already in there when I saw him. I asked her casually when I was on the phone why John went round because Sarah has been strict about sticking to the rules since lockdown started and I wondered why she'd have Emma and John round. She blurted it out to me without even trying to cover up and said she's wanted to tell me for a long time and this seemed like the sign.

Sarah doesn't want me to tell my husband because she thinks he will lose respect for her but I think he'll actually stick up for her and not want me to tell Emma because he thinks a lot of Sarah.
I trust my husband and I know Sarah sounds horrible but I don't believe she would try anything with my husband and I don't think he would do it to me either. They're close and he's helped her a lot over the years so I don't worry about them.
Sarah has told me her and John have talked about telling everyone and moving in together but they know it's not going to work yet. That's my biggest shock that they do seem like they're planning to get together eventually but they plan on stringing everyone along until the time is right.
I have told Sarah how I feel about what she's done and that I'm angry she put me in this position. I want to be there for her as her friend but I can't fathom how they have done this for so long and have never been caught or felt awful enough to be honest.
Emma and John have always been a lovely couple and always seemed very romantic and loved up so I don't know how Emma would react. She's a lovely woman and while me and her are not close, she's very close to Sarah and it feels even worse knowing they do talk a lot and they've always been good friends.

I’d struggle to maintain a friendship with Sarah now. She’s not as honest or transparent as you thought she was. I’d think less of her for doing this within your friendship group too. There are plenty of single men out there. To have an affair with a friend’s husband is dreadful. I’d actually be wondering if she could do it to me too.

I'd keep out if it. I know someone who has been having an affair for years with a married man. His wife found out and continued to stay in the marriage. The affair started back up and there's no way she couldn't know so it seems his wife is willing to turn a blind eye. You won't be thanked for getting involved...however, I would tell my husband.

@lulujuju

There is no way I'd keep this from my DP. You may find it helpful to talk it through with him. I couldn't be friends with Sarah after this.

I think it is sufficient to talk it through with us and doubt op's husband would welcome the knowledge of two friends having an affair. Men tend to shy away from that sort of thing and don't want to know. In any case, what would her husband do with the knowledge? He'd probably just tell her to stay out of it and try to block it out from his mind.

It's also a bit pathetic to have to offload confidences to your husband. How often do husbands tell their wives salacious gossip about people they know, if they hear any?

I 'get' the op is troubled and feels the need to talk but we should be enough or maybe someone far away who does not know the parties involved.

I know Sarah sounds horrible but I don't believe she would try anything with my husband

I would disagree. Sarah and Emma are very close and she is doing it to her. Just think every time Sarah and Emma speak or exchange messages or meet up, Sarah is doing so knowing she is having an affair with Emma’s husband. For four years! Her values and attitudes are different in that she clearly enjoys having casual relationships and is happy to do this with other people’s husbands! Boundaries? Respect? Where?

This isn't going to end well especially when it comes out and that you knew all along that these two were seeing each other in secret, I would be ditching your best friend and the cheating husband as friends and letting them and everyone else know that cheating and breaking up a family has consequences and I would advise all of your other friends to completely blank them as well, the reason people do this sort of stuff is because friends of the cheaters just dismiss it and carry on being friends with them they should stop being friends with them and condone it

@jimmyjammy001 is right. In my experience people having affairs seek validation as they hope there won’t be any consequences to it ie. that Emma will be the one out of the friendship group while Sarah and John become a couple and are accepted and celebrated by everyone.

I’d keep my distance from Sarah making it clear that this situation will blow up and most certainly not end well or in the way she would want.

How Sarah got together with John would throw light on what he is like.

For me, it's clear cut: friendship is based on what is good. There is so much hurting people and doing people wrong on so many levels that you can only say exactly what you think about it all. For others, there are degrees of unacceptable, and some behaviour can be labelled a mistake, and the feelings of friendship retained.

If you feel the version of how they started the affair makes John look especially bad, then you might be able to persuade Sarah to finish with him. Ask her, too, if she's thought about being a step mum, and having kids to stay, every other weekend. You may be able to put her off by prompting her to think ahead.

Lockdown may have persuaded her she loves John, if she has been denied her usual dating and outings and attention, due to Covid restrictions. This would fit if she is shallow.

It's really bad of Sarah to be friends with Emma and chat to her. This woman, Emma, I has risked her health bearing kids for John, and Sarah has casually made use of her husband for her own amusement - in the beginning, anyway.

@Onesailwait

Not a popular option but I wouldn't say anything & my loyalty would be to my best friend.

I agree tbh. I have a 'right hand' best friend...we met age 4 and she's still me 3am person 40+ years later.

Short of her murdering one of my family members, my loyalty will always lie with her, and I know she'd always have my back in the same way.

What a mess.

I'm afraid Sarah is proving herself to be very selfish in a number of ways. She's burdened you with a secret you didn't ask for, doesn't want you to tell your husband in case he thinks less of her and along with John thinks it's OK to waste Emma's time on a relationship which has an expiry date she knows nothing about. It's all about her, it's not that she sounds horrible, she is horrible; condemned by her own actions.

I'm conflicted about what I would do in your situation, I wouldn't feel comfortable watching John play happy families with Emma if I knew the truth, it would feel like I was participating in Emma's humiliation. I can see how the friendship group can be sustained under these circumstances.

I think I would tell my husband but I would be very disappointed if he defended either John or Sarah.

can't see

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

1) Sarah isnt a good friend. Shes a cheating cow who has knowingly been seeing a married father of young kids for four years. She and John lost any right to sympathy and support when they started down this road. 2) talk to your husband. 100%. He deserves your honesty far more than Sarah deserves anything. 3) talk to John. Tell him he tells Emma or you do.

He wont leave his wife.

Sarah is a piece of work and I wouldnr be continuing that particular friendship.

This.

There's no way John is planning to leave Emma. It's been 4 years, and he's got a cushy number right now. Emma at home to do wife stuff and raise the DC, and Sarah to be a shag on the side. Why would he leave?

I wouldn't keep it a secret from my DH, if I were in this situation. It's so wrong of Sarah to drop this on you. She could easily have come up with any other explanation.

Sarah wants John to leave Emma, and is using you to precipitate this because she thinks you'll tell Emma.

So I'd talk to John, tell him what Sarah is saying and leave the ball in his court.

I'm going to be blunt. I wouldn't trust Sarah as far as I could throw her. I'm sorry but you need to have a long hard look at why Sarah is so desperate for you not to tell your dh.

Also, why now? She's kept the lie going for 4 years so why tell you now. Unless she actually wants you to say something to someone. Sarah could easily have said that John had popped round to check something for her etc.

Sarah and John have played Emma for a fool for 4 years. Don't let her suck you into this. Tell your dh.

When somebody confides in me I keep their confidence and never discuss the matter with my DH, much the same as I would be horrified to find out my confidences had been shared with my friends’ DHs.
If this is your BF and she has disclosed something private, you owe it to her at present to keep her confidence, particularly as she works with your DH and specifically asked you not to tell him.
You have already said that Emma is not a close friend, more that you are friendly to her as part of a group, so you do not owe her any information.
Your problem is whether your friendship with Sarah can survive this and only you can decide if you can get past what she has done and if she continues to see John and you need to think it all through for a while longer rather than act in haste.
If you decide the deception is a deal breaker to your friendship you need to discuss it with your DH as he needs to know the reasons and it’s up to him how he manages the workplace relationship.
If you want to remain BF with Sarah you need to set boundaries with her, whatever your tolerances allow, so that you can continue your friendship.
Only you can decide what Sarah’s friendship means to you and this will dictate how you have to proceed from now on.
It’s a horrible situation but this is not of your doing so you need to work out how you feel when emotions have receded a bit and you can look at this more objectively.

Sarah sounds absolutely horrible

This isn't a static situation. If OP asks Sarah, " Are you worried Emma might have a nervous breakdown, and the kids not want to go to school?" , then you'll find out how much your friendship with Sarah is best on feelings and values and thought which are meaningful. You may not know her as you thought.

Sarah and cheating H sound like absolute turds.