Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

[MachineGinKelly]

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

@babyyodaxmas

I am 45 I have known my BFF since I was 6 (OMG 39 years), my other BFF since I was 16( 29 years). Those relationships are precious beyond riches to me, it would be incredibly difficult to replicate that level of intimacey starting now. Only my sister knows me better. They have both done things in the past that I didn't agree with as I am sure have I, but our friendship is stronger than that. Men come and go but good friends are priceless.

Absolutely this. I couldn’t agree more!! Should we be friends?

in which case you should make that very clear to all of your friends that anything they say can and will be repeated to your husband if it's 'stressful' for you. That way they can know not to confide in you.

My friends wouldn’t do anything like Sarah. And if they did, they wouldn’t be my friend.
My friends have told me various things over the years, their relationship issues, health problems etc. I feel no need to share those things with my partner, he wouldn’t want to know anyway. But this is very, very different and I feel sorry for you if you don’t see that.

The problem is that Sarah has made the OP complicit just by telling her. OK maybe she's not joining in with the lying and arranging weekend breaks in her parents' empty holiday cottage for them, but still. She is complicit if she knows and doesn't say.

Yeah. If Sarah had told the op but said she'd ended it, whilst I wouldn't be comfortable about keep quiet I'd recognise that there was no duplicity going forward.

The fact that OP is expected to carry on maintaining Sarah's facade is the line in the sand.

@JustLyra I really like your Nan's saying. I'm going to tell my daughters this as I think it is brilliant advice.
OP I would definitely tell your husband as you've been put in a really difficult situation not of your making.

Can I join your friendship group @babyyodaxmas and @TableFlowerss? I completely agree with both of you.

@Alsohuman

Can I join your friendship group *@babyyodaxmas and @TableFlowerss*? I completely agree with both of you.

What if you’re Emma in the group?

@TableFlowerss oh yeah, mistake. Because sleeping with someone repeatedly for four years and hoping they will leave your friend for you, yes that has to have been an accident. Every time...Uh huh

Oh you sweet child. For a start to protect the joint assets, to co-parent effectively and give the DCs the best chance of suceeding in life. Being in a relationship enchances both of our quality of lives as neither of us could afford it on our sole salary. Companionship, sex. But not all my emotional and pyschological support coming from that one person. It's not really terribly healthy tbh.

What a patronising post. 🙄

I’ve been with my partner for more than 20 years. I’m 41 so hardly a child.

I don’t stay with my partner for my children’s sake or to protect assets. We would both be financially dependent on our own. I choose to spend my life with him. He chooses to spend his life with me. That’s because we make each other happy and are best friends. I wouldn’t stay for any other reason.

If you stay with your partner for other reasons, that’s your choice, love.

@MarshaBradyo, wouldn’t happen in a million years! No “Sarah” would look at my bloke twice!

Well we can feel sorry for each other if you like then, WeekendCEO. I'm more of the school of thought with babyyyodaxmas.

People are flawed because they're human beings and sometimes make very shitty decisions. That doesn't mean that I'm going to drop them if they're my friends but it also doesn't mean tacit acceptance of whatever they're doing either.

It absolutely does mean that I won't be discussing it with other people though. I understand that you don't see things the same way and I'm ok with that.

@Needhelp101 I'm so sorry you have been in this situation. I have been supporting a friend who discovered her husband's affair. The only thing that has helped her is knowing we were as shocked as she was and didn't have a clue. If some of her friend's had known and didn't tell her that would have destroyed her as it would have been even more lies and betrayal.

What a horrible situation for you.
I think reality is you will struggle to look Emma in the eye and if it was your DH would you want to know? I sure as hell would!

Speak to Emma face to face it's going to hurt her like hell but at least she can start to process it.

I’d tell my DH for sure and you can discuss best course of action. I would probably advise Sarah to get John to tell Emma - I don’t think you should as Emma isn’t really a good friend of yours and won’t want to hear it from you,

What if you’re Emma in the group

My loyalties would be with my BFF. I’ve got a 3 of these I’ve known for at least 20 years, one of them 35 years so my loyalties would be with them.

Emma and OP aren’t that close. They’re friends but not necessarily through choice, they’re friends because of mutual friends.

It’s a no brained who I would stick by.....

@Alsohuman

Can I join your friendship group *@babyyodaxmas and @TableFlowerss*? I completely agree with both of you.

Yes, yes you can 😀

@TableFlowerss

*What if you’re Emma in the group*

My loyalties would be with my BFF. I’ve got a 3 of these I’ve known for at least 20 years, one of them 35 years so my loyalties would be with them.

Emma and OP aren’t that close. They’re friends but not necessarily through choice, they’re friends because of mutual friends.

It’s a no brained who I would stick by.....

No I mean if you were the one who turns up and no one told you

I don’t really care about other people’s BFF situations but reading this I only feel sorry for Emma

People should be decent enough to not socialise with someone and collude with the whole situation

@Parkerwhereareyou - agree with your post.

The only other way out of this that doesn’t involve everything blowing up is Sarah ends it with John and nothing more is ever said.

Either way, OP has to carry this secret with her forever.

Or OP unburdens herself of the secret by telling Emma and everything goes to shit.

Not necessarily the most important part of this, but I think the whole thing reflects badly on Sarah’s friendship with the OP. On the one hand she’s not felt the need to share this for 4 YEARS but now after all that she’s landed her with burden of this life-changing secret.

Either Sarah values OP as a best friend and close confident and shares this kind of thing with her from day one. OR she wants to protect OP from being caught up in this mess and says nothing because she knows the damage it could do.

Keeping it quiet for 4 years then dropping the bombshell is just a bit shit. It says I don’t need you enough to confide but I don’t care for you enough to protect you.

Not sure op is coming back though

Well we can feel sorry for each other if you like then, WeekendCEO. I'm more of the school of thought with babyyyodaxmas.

🤷🏻‍♀️ Great.

in which case you should make that very clear to all of your friends that anything they say can and will be repeated to your husband if it's 'stressful' for you. That way they can know not to confide in you.

Me and my best friend have been so since we were around 4 years old. I tell her everything and vice verse. I would take a bullet for her.

However, I wouldn’t expect her to keep anything I tell her from her DH and thinking about it I presume she probably tells him about most of the things I tell her and I tell mine also. I think it’s just kind of expected? I don’t keep secrets from my DP and if someone asks me for advice on a sensitive topic I like to ask his opinion on the advice I’m giving as someone who’s impartial to situations. It doesn’t mean I’m gossiping and he’s not going to run off and tell everyone. It absolutely would not cross my mind to keep a secret like OP’s from him. Her friend has put her in a horrible situation.

**No I mean if you were the one who turns up and no one told you

I don’t really care about other people’s BFF situations but reading this I only feel sorry for Emma

People should be decent enough to not socialise with someone and collude with the whole situation**

@MarshaBradyo

Apologies, I didn’t read your list properly.

If I was Emma in the group I’d be raging at my DH and Sarah. It doesn’t sound like OP and Emma are close at all so i wouldn’t expect OP to tell me, no.

As Emma, if I doubt out OP knew then I probably would avoid her yes, but again, they don’t seem close so it’s not a huge loss.

I always think that honesty is the best policy. The secrects and lies are what do the most damage. You can work through an affair but only if you have the truth.

However since you are all friends, it’s probably fair to tell John you know and that he needs to tell Emma and sort it out.

I think your friendship group is busted now whatever happens.If you keep quiet you keep Sarah’s friendship but lose the trust of your husband and the others. If you tell Emma or your husband, you’ve lost Sarah.

.

This is about Sarah’s values as a person, and it could be your husband, or someone else’s one day.

Don’t take on the burden of this couple’s deceit. That is for them to live with, but would insist that they come clean to Emma. They choose how and when - but make it know until then that you’ll distance yourself as you don’t want to be part of it in anyway, even in knowledge - stand up and represent your own values on this one, and don’t enable them by having your trust in relation to the affair.

I wouldn't tell Emma and stay loyal to my best friend. I would however tell my partner and think it's unfair as otherwise you'll have no one to talk to about it!

There is no way I'd keep this from my DP. You may find it helpful to talk it through with him.
I couldn't be friends with Sarah after this.