Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

[MachineGinKelly]

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

Anymore.

I agree with Onesailwait, say nothing. It's for the affair partners to tell - and Emma's husband is the pinnacle of this.

If you say something, OP, you will blow up the lives of several people. It's not your story to tell. You can though tell Sarah that you are angry that she told you this as it's put you in a very difficulty position. I would tell here that I don't want to hear another word about it.

I do not understand women who say to tell your husband. It's nothing to do with him, Sarah didn't confide in him and she is your best friend. It's not you having the affair so why must you trot along and blurt it out to him? That is a bit pathetic, nothing to do with vows and everything to do with gossip. My advice is don't do it - you're just spreading the chances of it being passed on.

You can keep quiet without being complicit and without being a gossip either.

I would be shocked etc and I would ask what she’s playing at, but my concern would be for her getting hurt above anyone else. I’d question why him, and try to understand what’s making her do it. Had he told her he loves her, that his wife doesn’t love him...

She's a grown woman and this has been going on for 4 years. The time for such discussions was years ago, if Sarah had chosen to confide in her friend then. Please remember that Sarah was caught out by OP and has been effectively forced into a confession here.

Having been on the receiving end of a long term affair really puts things into perspective. John and Sarah have made a series of now life altering active and conscious decisions to deceive people about their affair. This is not a "mistake", this is not some woman being "hoodwinked" by a duplicitous man as Sarah knows John is married and knows who he is married to personally. Sure, she may have been spun a yarn, but as she knows the guy is still married and is plotting about continuing the deception at the moment she is not an innocent party!

The reality is that, in my personal case, there were people who new about my ex's affair and chose to say nothing. They are no longer part of my friendship group and were judged badly by others. Whether that is right or wrong it did happen. The affair had impacts beyond me and my ex and I would advise OP to find a way to get the information out to Emma whilst minimising her exposure to the fallout. That is the right and prudent thing to do here.

The reason for the focus on Sarah is that she is OP's best friend, John is just the husband of another friend and so she is not OP's problem. This is not people thinking the scumbag should get away with any criticism.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

I agree with Onesailwait, say nothing. It's for the affair partners to tell - and Emma's husband is the pinnacle of this.

If you say something, OP, you will blow up the lives of several people. It's not your story to tell. You can though tell Sarah that you are angry that she told you this as it's put you in a very difficulty position. I would tell here that I don't want to hear another word about it.

I do not understand women who say to tell your husband. It's nothing to do with him, Sarah didn't confide in him and she is your best friend. It's not you having the affair so why must you trot along and blurt it out to him? That is a bit pathetic, nothing to do with vows and everything to do with gossip. My advice is don't do it - you're just spreading the chances of it being passed on.

You can keep quiet without being complicit and without being a gossip either.

Excellent post.

I think it will all come out now anyway.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

I agree with Onesailwait, say nothing. It's for the affair partners to tell - and Emma's husband is the pinnacle of this.

If you say something, OP, you will blow up the lives of several people. It's not your story to tell. You can though tell Sarah that you are angry that she told you this as it's put you in a very difficulty position. I would tell here that I don't want to hear another word about it.

I do not understand women who say to tell your husband. It's nothing to do with him, Sarah didn't confide in him and she is your best friend. It's not you having the affair so why must you trot along and blurt it out to him? That is a bit pathetic, nothing to do with vows and everything to do with gossip. My advice is don't do it - you're just spreading the chances of it being passed on.

You can keep quiet without being complicit and without being a gossip either.

I can't understand women who are in relationships where such important information about a close friend (and workmate of the DH) would not be discussed straight away. I wonder what other secrets they think are for to hide from their life partners? Their own affairs? Important financial issues? Ill health?

@CounsellorTroi

I can’t believe someone would drop a friend of 20 years for a mistake. I can only assume these people have never had any best friends or they would understand that you stick by each through the good times and the bad times. It’s not easy to walk away from a friendship when all they’ve done is be there for you for years.....

A one night stand would have been a mistake. A four year affair is a cruel and calculated deception.

I totally agree with you.

In your shoes I would tell my DH. I wouldn’t be happy at being asked by Sarah not to and would be questioning as to why she’s so bothered about that. (Yes, would wonder whether she had designs on him, as others have said.)

As to whether I’d tell Emma, I’m not sure but I probably wouldn’t if I wasn’t close to her. But it would make me see Sarah in a different light and I’d be cooling the friendship with her. It isn’t possible to turn the clock back and pretend you don’t know something like this.

Eleganz How is that relevant? OP's situation is that her husband knows Sarah, thinks a lot of her and would probably advise OP not to tell. That is what OP has said.

Your flight of fancy about finances, my own affairs, etc. are just that. They would be relevant to my husband so I would tell him. But in this case, I would be Emma, wouldn't I?

You can keep quiet without being complicit and without being a gossip either.

This is the bit I see differently.

The problem is that Sarah has made the OP complicit just by telling her. OK maybe she's not joining in with the lying and arranging weekend breaks in her parents' empty holiday cottage for them, but still. She is complicit if she knows and doesn't say.

Let's skip ahead in this story. It comes out. John is now ready to go, having got his ducks lined up, accounts/money etc. protected, spoken to his solicitor, they've rented a house, whatever. They choose when best for the axe to drop, Emma and the kids are told, lives blown up.

Now it's everyone's gossip. OMG. OP, can you honestly believe Sarah could have done this? Etc etc. Including very likely Emma herself turning to OP for support. OP's husband being astonished. etc.

And in all of that - what does OP have to do? She has to lie. Lie and lie and lie. Or, tell them she knew and face the consequent loss of trust in her forever. By her OWN HUSBAND.

And why would she do this, and risk all this? With an almost 100% chance of damage to her own life?

Ah yes. Because Sarah wants to keep fucking John on the quiet for now, while they sort out the practicalities of getting together.

If OP really wants to do something, she should:

Tell Sarah that this is bollocks and she hates having been put in this position.
That ok fine it's cool you guys are in love, etc, but the humane focus now must be on how to minimise the hurt to Emma and the kids.

Tell Sarah that she needs to talk to John, and John needs to split up with Emma. Not citing Sarah as the reason.

Then when that's all settled, they can 'start' seeing each other.

That way, Emma never has to know about the depth of deception and lying. She won't have to re-write and effectively lose four years of her married life and her female friendship.

Basically, Emma will presumably be devastated, but she won't know the full truth.

And when she's ok, and the kids, then Sarah and John get together. And then it's just Sarah and John who are bad and hurtful and Sarah gets dropped from the circle, but at least Emma doesn't get so totally fucked over.

If you really want to make this happen, tell Sarah either she gets her shit together and does this, or you tell your husband and Emma.

BUT the above is pretty active and isn't at all what I'd do. I would just talk to my husband. OP if you keep this to yourself, you'll end up somehow taking the rap for it.

And. Big And: you have zero guarantee that if you keep quiet, when it all comes out Sarah won't say 'oh but OP knew about it all along'. ...

I can't understand women who are in relationships where such important information about a close friend (and workmate of the DH) would not be discussed straight away.

This. I don’t know why people are saying to not tell her DH. This is a really huge decision that the OP has to make and will impact the lives or many people (and most likely her own as her friend as dragged her into it). I don’t see why she shouldn’t run it past her DH as I most definitely would. It’s not gossiping, it’s sharing with a spouse.

As with all these threads I'd love to know the posters' ages. All the "you MUST tell Emma", " I couldn't keep it from my DH" I am guessing are sub 45. The "stand by your friend" , "DH doesn't need to know" maybe older ? I don't know, just a hunch

I’d say nothing to Emma or your husband. Tell sarah how you feel about her actions and also the position she has put you in. The distance yourself from her.

All i would say is, put yourself in Emma’s shoes.
You say that she’s your friend, but even if she wasn’t, isn’t it the right thing to do as women to look out for other women?

Emma needs to know. Yes it’s painful. No it doesn’t need to be you who tells her. But someone has to.
Emma has a husband and (now) two friends who are deceiving her.

If i were Emma i would hope to goodness that one of my so called friends would tell me. Because it will come out at some point.

I had a close friend - I saw her boyfriend (we were at uni but they had been together for about 2 years) snogging another girl then trying to get off with my friend I was with (he didn’t know she was my friend and he hadn’t seen me) it’s different cos we were young and it’s shit that went on at uni. But I told my friend about her boyfriend and she cut me out of her life and didn’t split with the boyf not sure why she cut me out but she believed him over me. In the grand scheme no great loss just a shame

What about setting up an anon email address and emailing her ?

it is very simple, you tell her

I am 45 I have known my BFF since I was 6 (OMG 39 years), my other BFF since I was 16( 29 years). Those relationships are precious beyond riches to me, it would be incredibly difficult to replicate that level of intimacey starting now. Only my sister knows me better. They have both done things in the past that I didn't agree with as I am sure have I, but our friendship is stronger than that. Men come and go but good friends are priceless.

I do not understand women who say to tell your husband. It's nothing to do with him,

Well personally, my partner is the person I turn to for absolutely everything. He is my best friend. I would feel under strain from this situation so naturally I would tell my partner. He’d want to know about anything which was causing me stress. What’s the point of being in a relationship otherwise.

I do not understand women who say to tell your husband

Nor do I. I don’t share my friends’ confIdences with my husband and I know the two friends I trust implicitly don’t either. If I tell them something deeply personal both of them would ask if it was OK to tell them. If I said no they wouldn’t.

Parkerwhereareyou; If I were in OP's position - and it all came out, with Sarah saying, "OP knew about all this"... this would be my response.

"You told me about it, asked me not to tell and, out of my longstanding relationship and love for you, I didn't tell. I hoped that you would, that John would tell but neither of you felt enough to do that. Don't hold my conduct up to scrutiny, look at your own. I did what you asked because you were my friend... this is what that meant to you and I'm not your friend any longer".

I'd say that in front of the three of them and let the chips fall where they may - but I wouldn't be friends with Sarah again if she dropped me in it.

She is not a good friend and not a good person. It could have just as easily been your husband she was carrying on with , how would you feel if 'emma' knew and kept it from you ? I'd also tell your husband what you have found out

WeekendCEO in which case you should make that very clear to all of your friends that anything they say can and will be repeated to your husband if it's 'stressful' for you. That way they can know not to confide in you.

I'm with Alsohuman on this, there's no reason to tell my 'life partner'/husband every little thing that goes on in my life - and the bigger things too if they don't affect him. I'm an adult, I can cope and I don't need a handhold or somebody to gossip and talk about other people with.

That is what it sounds like to me when anybody says that they must tell their husband... because vows! Blurting out other people's innermost stuff wasn't in mine.

Nor do I. I don’t share my friends’ confIdences with my husband and I know the two friends I trust implicitly don’t either.

But the difference here is that by telling OP, Sarah is being a terrible friend to OP. Affairs are wrong and OP is being asked to go along with it in part.
So of course there are things friends can tell each other that husbands don’t need to know, but this is very different.

@babyyodaxmas

As with all these threads I'd love to know the posters' ages. All the "you MUST tell Emma", " I couldn't keep it from my DH" I am guessing are sub 45. The "stand by your friend" , "DH doesn't need to know" maybe older ? I don't know, just a hunch

I'm 50. 30+ years of marriage. There's no way I wouldn't tell my husband this.

You can keep quiet without being complicit and without being a gossip either.

Keeping quiet is complicity. OP knew, and didn't say anything.

What’s the point of being in a relationship otherwise.?

Oh you sweet child. For a start to protect the joint assets, to co-parent effectively and give the DCs the best chance of suceeding in life. Being in a relationship enchances both of our quality of lives as neither of us could afford it on our sole salary. Companionship, sex. But not all my emotional and pyschological support coming from that one person. It's not really terribly healthy tbh.