Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

[MachineGinKelly]

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

@raincamepouringdown

I agree with the above poster, this isn't a mistake.

This is 4 years of intentional deceit. 4 YEARS of carrying on with a FRIEND's husband.

Some friend.

Yep and socialising together over that time

Sounds more like a source of enjoyment around secrecy and drama than anything else

didnt you wonder why sarah was never dating? or is she married too?

It's got nothing to do with your husband so why on earth would you tell him? Just keep out of it.

just reread, sarah is independent, but now she has changed her mind.

@CounsellorTroi

These people who say you should stand by your best friend whatever they do....imagine your husband has found out his best friend has been having an affair with the wife of another friend. Would you expect your husband to stand by his best friend?

I wouldn’t cars either way. I would question how close they were if he just dropped his best friend.

There is a lot to be said for loyalty. I want to associate myself with those I can trust through good times, bad times, difficult times. I wouldn’t want to be friends with people that would judge my actions. I would want to be best friends with people that say ‘Right this is wrong you need to sort yourself out and pull yourself together’ but still have my back.

I'd point out to Sarah that she's put you in an impossible situation.

(Maybe she was hoping you'd break the news to Emma?)

I'd say that I will have to tell Emma, and will do so next weekend. That gives her and John a week to do it themselves if they'd rather she heard it from them.

I wouldn't not tell my husband just because she says you shouldn't especially when it is a "husband who adores Sarah".

When it all goes tits up like it will do one day it may be your adoring husband she turns to for a shoulder to cry on and we already know friend's husbands are not off limits.

I hate it when you find out people aren’t who you thought they were. Sarah is not a good person.

When it all goes tits up like it will do one day it may be your adoring husband she turns to for a shoulder to cry on and we already know friend's husbands are not off limits.

The op's husband may be off limits though, plenty of people would never have an affair and for all we know, this man may be in that category.

There is a lot to be said for loyalty. I want to associate myself with those I can trust through good times, bad times, difficult times. I wouldn’t want to be friends with people that would judge my actions. I would want to be best friends with people that say ‘Right this is wrong you need to sort yourself out and pull yourself together’ but still have my back.

I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who doesn’t see other people’s, and especially friends’, husbands, as off limits. If that means I am disloyal and judgemental so be it.

I would confide in your husband too. OP I know this is a horrible thought but is there any chance she’s been too close to your husband too as he ‘adores’ her and she doesn’t want him to know about this affair?

So sorry she and Emma’s husband have put you in this awful position. Poor Emma and her kids. Sarah and the shitbag husband need to either decide to be together and announce it, or finish it, an ongoing affair (that you are now aware of) is just awful.

Has Sarah told the husband you know? I hope so as he will be squirming/shitting himself now that you will tell Emma and that should take the fun out of his illicit affair.

I was in a similar situation. I told "Sarah" I couldn't be her friend any more. I didn't tell "Emma" until years after she split up with "John" after she found out he was seeing yet another woman and she asked me outright.

However at the same time, "Sarah" started seeing another friends of ours who had lost his wife to cancer the year before. This was his first foray back into relationships. DH did tell him.

On face value:

Cheating husband is a prize shit. Cheating mistress is a manipulative bag. "You can't tell your husband"? Bullshit. That's the first person I *would tell. What a pair of utter shits to even think that other people should be expected to join their deceit like that.

What a nasty web of deceit is being woven here. Do you really want to be part of that?

This is not "a mistake". It's a 4 year affair. The betrayed spouse deserves the opportunity to make an informed decision. She is the one in need of friends and support here.

Poor Emma. For 4 years her husband has been having an affair with a friend. Do you think she is totally unaware or does she have suspicions anyway?

If I were you I'd give Sarah the ultimatum that you're not keeping her shady secret, give them the opportunity to come clean and tell your DH what is going on. Put yourself in Emma's shoes, how would you feel in her position?

I couldn’t stay friends with someone who did that. It’s not a mistake, it’s a very calculated 4 year affair and now ripping apart a family. She wants him to leave his wife and kids.

She is manipulating you now telling you to keep it quiet - she’s relieved herself of some guilt if you keep quiet because it means you are approving.

In all honestly you’ll struggle to stay friends with either of these ladies now. Protect your marriage first and tell your DH.

YANBU, your poor friend.

Imagine finding that out and then on top of it finding out your friends had hidden it from you too. You’d think everyone had colluded against you and was laughing behind your back at how stupid you were to not realise for four years. It just adds a whole other layer of humiliation to it. I think she needs to know sooner rather than later.

@CounsellorTroi

There is a lot to be said for loyalty. I want to associate myself with those I can trust through good times, bad times, difficult times. I wouldn’t want to be friends with people that would judge my actions. I would want to be best friends with people that say ‘Right this is wrong you need to sort yourself out and pull yourself together’ but still have my back.

I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who doesn’t see other people’s, and especially friends’, husbands, as off limits. If that means I am disloyal and judgemental so be it.

Yeah she’s made a whopper of a mistake or whatever you want to call it, but I’m trying to imagine this was me, with my best friends

I would be shocked etc and I would ask what she’s playing at, but my concern would be for her getting hurt above anyone else. I’d question why him, and try to understand what’s making her do it. Had he told her he loves her, that his wife doesn’t love him...

But I couldn’t imagine walking away from a 20/30 year friendship because they had an affair. People do this stuff often sadly, it’s crap all round but I think when people start getting emotionally involved it becomes too difficult to walk away.

Again, I don’t condone it at all and I agree with girl code - but if they’ve been a good friend to me over the years, I’d be loyal to them.

Different if they’d committed a crime or something, but not for an affair.

Sarah is a conniving manipulative bitch.

i suspect that she’s set this up so that you’ll tell Emma and that Might lead John to leaving her, or at best to her throwing john out so they can live happily ever after.

Firstly I absolutely would tell your husband. “None of his business my arse.” She should have thought about what people might think of her if they found out before she did the things she’s been doing.

But I wouldn’t tell Emma. In fact I would tell John that Sarah has told you everything and believes he’s going to leave Emma for her, and that he needs to sort it out because you have already told your husband and who knows who else Sarah has told.

He’s a complete shit but he probably thinks he’s in the clear because he doesn’t know Sarah is telling all and sundry that he’s planning to leave Emma for her.

I would put money on Sarah having told more than just you.

@BeanWriting

The secret couple are picking and choosing what they want from other people and how they want other people to relate to their friends or even partners. They would like to have support with no consequences or obligations.

One wants unconditional support from a female friend and the right to dictate that friend's intimacy with her own husband. The other wants a loving and committed wife without being a loving and committed partner.

What kind of relationship do you want with your husband? If he is your best friend he will care about how bad you are feeling about your female friend turning out not to be the person you thought they were.

BeanWriting has said it.

God I really dislike Sarah. She has kept it secret because that was the condition it needed in order to flourish. Now she's told you and is trying to dictate exactly who you can and can't tell. She wants the support and someone to talk to about it, but couldn't care zip for the position she's putting you in.

She is manipulating you to:

Lie to your husband.
Lie to a long-time female friend who's in your close circle.
Wait with an awful knowledge that at some point this will all come out and you will be judged and disliked and possibly disowned for not having spoken up.

OK well my number 1 rule is, nobody should ever try to come between partners and tell them what they can and can't say to each other.

Why on earth now would you care if your husband 'loses' Sarah as a great work-mate? Ok, care, but that's not the priority.

Sarah is gone. She's not your best friend any more. She's treating you like shit. So don't put her priorities first.

Your husband is the most important person for you. And your relationship with him.

And Emma and her kids - well. You can't save or help them, but you really really don't want the guilt of having known all about it and having been going to girly dinners etc. and lying through your teeth, to protect a woman who couldn't give a fuck about you really.

This is not your battle, not your mess and not your worry or responsibility.

Personally I wouldn't tell Emma, because that feels way to invasive. Again, it isn't your story, or choice to tell her.

But not tell my husband?!! Hell yes. Of course I would tell him straight away. So it's not just me who knows, so we can talk about it and decide together what we should do, so I'm not alone with it, so Sarah is not manipulating me.

If he's so close to Sarah, then he can sort her out. He can talk to her. This is just too horrible for Emma and those kids. OMG no, don't OP make her force you to sit and lie at birthday parties. No way Jose.

But I couldn’t imagine walking away from a 20/30 year friendship because they had an affair. People do this stuff often sadly, it’s crap all round but I think when people start getting emotionally involved it becomes too difficult to walk away.

Having an affair is one thing. These things happen and the world is rarely black and white.

Manipulating me into not telling my husband and as such wanting to put a wedge between us and showing what a manipulative person she could be is quite another.

And I don’t subscribe to any “girl code,” wtf is that? Because someone is a woman we should be on their side? Bollocks to that. People are individuals and I judge them as individuals, not according to what sex they are.

@jessstan2

When it all goes tits up like it will do one day it may be your adoring husband she turns to for a shoulder to cry on and we already know friend's husbands are not off limits.

The op's husband may be off limits though, plenty of people would never have an affair and for all we know, this man may be in that category.

The other friend's husband wasn't off limits though was he

[quote MachineGinKelly]@giggly
I don't know to be completely honest. I feel awful just knowing about it and every second that passes I feel even worse that I know and should be doing something. She's put me in an awful position when I can't even tell my husband because they work next to each other everyday and she doesn't want to lose his respect, I think even he would probably tell me not to tell Emma because he adores Sarah too and would do anything for her.
I can't win in this but it's not about me, I keep thinking about Emma and how crushed she's going to be when it comes out
4 years is madness, how has she kept it a secret for so long??? And how has she seen Emma so many times and acted like nothing is wrong?
I don't know what to do, one minute I think it's none of my business and I'm staying out of it and the next minute I think I have to go tell Emma because I'd be destroyed if it was me![/quote]
If I were Emma I don't think I'd want to hear it from you. You sound like a nice caring person, but you've said you're not close. As Emma, I couldn't help but feel real humiliation that it came from someone I'm not very close friends with, regardless how it was delivered.

I think this could be one to sit with for a while, these are weird times of flux and things will all change again before long in a broader sense. She'll either find out another way before long, or it will blow over. I'd make sure that I wasn't embroiling myself further by shutting down any conversation Sarah might try and engage me with about it. I'd also prepare myself for the inevitable fragmentation of this group.

I would definitely talk to my husband, purely because like you I would find this very distressing, and when anything bothers me that much I always talk it through with him and it helps immeasurably. I can't imagine being so consumed by something so huge and not sharing it with him, especially when he is directly affected also.

This puts a slightly different complexion on it though...

"I can't even tell my husband because they work next to each other everyday and she doesn't want to lose his respect, I think even he would probably tell me not to tell Emma because he adores Sarah too and would do anything for her."

Reading through it again, it's a bit of a contradiction. Would she lose his respect if he found out? Or would he maintain her lie because he adores her and would do anything for her? The two seem mutually incompatible.

My husband's first loyalty is to me. I'm the one he'd do anything for, not my best friend. Including prioritising my emotional wellbeing by helping me work through this without being concerned for any potential repercussions at work. If that meant putting his game face on at work for a bit, so be it. As I would for him in return.

And if him knowing inadvertently blew the whole thing open then so be it.

I can understand your need to be loyal and somewhat protect your friend (Sarah). When this comes out (and it will) be prepared for Emma to cut you off.

Infidelity is painful and knowing mutual friends/acquaintances were aware of the affair just adds to the humiliation and trauma. My ex work colleague was in Emma's situation and the discovery affected her mental health and gave her a lot of trauma. She took several months sick leave, cut contact with the whole friendship group, moved to another town and went on to have trust issues and PTSD for years. To this day she is still a shell of the person she once was.

What I found strange was the woman in your position assumed she would continue to be friends with ex-colleague. She truly could not understand why Emma chose to cut contact.

@HeartsAndClubs

But I couldn’t imagine walking away from a 20/30 year friendship because they had an affair. People do this stuff often sadly, it’s crap all round but I think when people start getting emotionally involved it becomes too difficult to walk away. Having an affair is one thing. These things happen and the world is rarely black and white.

Manipulating me into not telling my husband and as such wanting to put a wedge between us and showing what a manipulative person she could be is quite another.

And I don’t subscribe to any “girl code,” wtf is that? Because someone is a woman we should be on their side? Bollocks to that. People are individuals and I judge them as individuals, not according to what sex they are.

‘Girl code’ is when you respect another woman relationship. A moral compass where you wouldn’t actively not pursue a man if he’s married/in a relationship. You don’t need to know the woman but you wouldn’t like it done to you, therefore you wouldn’t do it to another women by shagging her DP!!

Well good for you that you don’t subscribe to girl code, thanks for sharing!

I’ve been in this situation with a close friend. Long story short, truth came out, close friend & I aren’t on close terms .