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Original poster

Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

906 replies

MachineGinKelly · 03/04/2021 02:44

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

OP posts:
QuentinWinters · 03/04/2021 10:47

I love the fact that everyone is angry at Sarah and John is barely mentioned.
op fwiw i think Sarah probably does just want someone to talk to but it's not fair to tell you not to discuss it with your husband.
I think if I was you I'd definitely discuss it with husband. You need someone to talk to as well.
I'd also be considering talking to John and telling him he needs to come clean to his wife. He needs to sort this out,he's the one that's cheating.

If he does leave Emma for Sarah, what are you going to do?

Dindundundundeeer · 03/04/2021 10:48

I’d def talk to John. John is a prize cunt.

Cakecakeandmorecake · 03/04/2021 10:50

I am sorry OP, this is horrible. She should never have put you in this position. I’d have to tell Emma and I really wouldn’t want a friend like Sarah. How can she see Emma and keep pretending. She clearly had no compassion and doesn’t care about hurting a friend. From you post, she doesn’t feel guilty at all or care about what she is going to do to Emma and the kids. She also doesn’t seem worried about the fall out as she is expecting John to leave his wife for her. He also will never do this. He would have done it by now. They both sound like rather heartless people. I know I’m judging Sarah more than John but it’s only because she is doing it to her friend. It’s disgusting.

jessstan2 · 03/04/2021 10:52

@MirandaWestsNewBFF

And yes, I’d tell my husband, because I’d be upset and need to talk it over with someone who knew Sarah.
I'm sure your husband would be delighted about that.

In the op's position I would just go quiet on the 'friendship group' front for a while. I'm sure she has other friends. It's possible that Sarah will keep a low profile too.

Someone earlier said she hoped the op had changed details; well, she has changed names. If Sarah reads this she might recognise herself as being someone who lives in the same road as the op and John visiting her at home. It's possible Emma would recognise the people too but we don't know that they post on Mumsnet, not everyone does.

Regarding the Hate Mail picking up the story, is there really anything newsworthy about adultery within a friendship group, amongst neighbours or colleagues? It happens all the time. To an outsider it is irrelevant, it is only important to those involved. I bet Sarah and John are worried now that someone knows.

Turquoisesea · 03/04/2021 10:54

Yes I think having an affair with a married man is bad enough but when that man is one of your friends husbands it really is unforgivable. John is an absolute piece of shit also but Sarah is the one you have the closest relationship too and it really would change my opinion of her massively.

MzHz · 03/04/2021 10:55

Depends on the relationship with John tbh.

Sarah opened this can of worms with the op, the complications involve her, her husband and the friendship she thought she had

Condemnation of John can wait. He’ll get what’s coming his way in time.

@MachineGinKelly has far bigger fish to fry

TableFlowerss · 03/04/2021 10:56

@Livelovebehappy

Can’t believe people on here saying they would stay loyal to Sarah and say nothing. Have people got such a low bar when it comes to friendships that they wouldn’t care that a clse friend has no moral compass? Are people so desperate for friends that they would overlook such awful behaviour in a friend?
I can’t believe someone would drop a friend of 20 years for a mistake. I can only assume these people have never had any best friends or they would understand that you stick by each through the good times and the bad times. It’s not easy to walk away from a friendship when all they’ve done is be there for you for years.....
Chucklecheeks01 · 03/04/2021 10:57

Do you not see how manipulative Sarah is being? I wouldn't of cared who told me when my exh was having an affair. I found out and was devastated people I knew had known all along.

MzHz · 03/04/2021 10:58

Regarding the Hate Mail picking up the story, is there really anything newsworthy about adultery within a friendship group, amongst neighbours or colleagues?

Ha ha! The very notion that any degree of newsworthiness comes into any part of the daily mail

Grin
Alsohuman · 03/04/2021 10:59

Completely agree @TableFlowerss. And what happened to the usual MN narrative that the only person who should be blamed is the one who’s married?

FireflyRainbow · 03/04/2021 10:59

I wouldn't say anything, only because I did once and the guilty person lied to the wife and she made out I was a complete liar to everyone who would listen. Was only trying to bloody help her.

pennylane83 · 03/04/2021 10:59

Maybe she told you because she knows it isn't something you could keep to yourself and will therefore do the dirty work for her.

Emma will throw her husband John out. He will go running into the arms of Sarah now that he has been freed from the shackles of his marriage without Sarah having to act like the bitter other women purposefully destroying her lovers marriage. All the while she will keep her friendship with you and you with Emma - win win for all!

Doubt it will actually pan out the way she way wants it to though.

TableFlowerss · 03/04/2021 10:59

@Dweetfidilove

I can see why Sarah kept this secret from you for four years, until caught. I have two best friends, but one who I tell precious little, as she relays everything to her blabbermouth of a husband. My loyalty is to my friend. You can chastise her / tell her what you think about the error of her ways, (in love), then carry on. Your husband must understand that best friends keep each others' confidence. Can't stand all this fair weather friendship.
Same. No one is perfect, all the ‘I can only be friends with someone when they don’t step out of line’
Needhelp101 · 03/04/2021 10:59

I was the Emma in this situation. I'm not exaggerating in saying that it shattered my life when I found out. The pain, humiliation and misery was almost unbearable.

I think if I'd found out that mutual friends had known and not told me, I might actually have killed myself.

As it was, nobody knew. They were profoundly shocked. So it's very possible that Emma does NOT know. I would tell her and tell your husband. Sarah is no friend of yours.

CounsellorTroi · 03/04/2021 11:00

I can’t believe someone would drop a friend of 20 years for a mistake. I can only assume these people have never had any best friends or they would understand that you stick by each through the good times and the bad times. It’s not easy to walk away from a friendship when all they’ve done is be there for you for years.....

A one night stand would have been a mistake. A four year affair is a cruel and calculated deception.

WeekendCEO · 03/04/2021 11:01

I can’t believe someone would drop a friend of 20 years for a mistake.

A mistake? She’s been fucking her friends husband for 4 years. A bit more than ‘ooops, a mistake’ 🙄

CounsellorTroi · 03/04/2021 11:04

These people who say you should stand by your best friend whatever they do....imagine your husband has found out his best friend has been having an affair with the wife of another friend. Would you expect your husband to stand by his best friend?

raincamepouringdown · 03/04/2021 11:05

I agree with the above poster, this isn't a mistake.

This is 4 years of intentional deceit. 4 YEARS of carrying on with a FRIEND's husband.

Some friend.

TableFlowerss · 03/04/2021 11:06

@CounsellorTroi

I can’t believe someone would drop a friend of 20 years for a mistake. I can only assume these people have never had any best friends or they would understand that you stick by each through the good times and the bad times. It’s not easy to walk away from a friendship when all they’ve done is be there for you for years.....

A one night stand would have been a mistake. A four year affair is a cruel and calculated deception.

Yeah but she’s emotionally involved and at face value on here, we don’t know what the prick was telling her.

He could have been spinning the whole ‘We’re only together for the kids, we don’t love each other, she’s not nice to me etc....’

I certainly don’t condone it, however it seems she needs a friend at the moment and some help to point her in the right direction.

Inthevirtualwaitingroom · 03/04/2021 11:07

good point made above

does Sarah know you are a big mouth?
she hopes John will be forced into a decision.

Alsohuman · 03/04/2021 11:07

@CounsellorTroi

These people who say you should stand by your best friend whatever they do....imagine your husband has found out his best friend has been having an affair with the wife of another friend. Would you expect your husband to stand by his best friend?
Yes.
PerveenMistry · 03/04/2021 11:08

Stay out of it.

User5747384 · 03/04/2021 11:08

Your husband adores her?
Are you sure he isn't having an affair with her too?
She doesn't want him to know about it.🤔
Your friend isn't who you thought she was and actually if you think your DH would also want to keep it a secret it shows he doesn't have a moral compass either..

BobBobBobbin · 03/04/2021 11:09

@Dweetfidilove

I can see why Sarah kept this secret from you for four years, until caught. I have two best friends, but one who I tell precious little, as she relays everything to her blabbermouth of a husband. My loyalty is to my friend. You can chastise her / tell her what you think about the error of her ways, (in love), then carry on. Your husband must understand that best friends keep each others' confidence. Can't stand all this fair weather friendship.
“Fair weather friendship”!!

Where do you draw the line?

Sarah has carried on a 4 year casual relationship with a married man with kids.
Not just any married man but a man who is married to one of her friends.
Who is also a friend of her best friend, who happens to be married to a close work colleague.

It’s so overwhelmingly stupid and selfish and she’s now burdened her friend with this awful secret that will destroy and long standing friendship group and test the relationship between her best friend and her husband.

But OP should stand by Sarah because they are ‘best friends’. Fuck that.

TableFlowerss · 03/04/2021 11:09

@WeekendCEO

I can’t believe someone would drop a friend of 20 years for a mistake.

A mistake? She’s been fucking her friends husband for 4 years. A bit more than ‘ooops, a mistake’ 🙄

We don’t know what he’s been telling her though. She needs help I would say from a friend, to show her the error of her ways. She’s too emotionally involved to be objective I would say