Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

[MachineGinKelly]

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

Sarah is not your friend. She’s only a friend to herself. She doesn’t want your husband to lose respect for her? Uh huh. I don’t believe a word of it. She’s probably got her eye on your husband too and doesn’t want him to know she’s already shagging John.

I also suspect something has happened between her and John - he’s finished it or won’t commit - and she’s setting you up as shit-stirrer in an attempt to destroy Emma and John’s marriage.

Tell John that Sarah is sleeping with other men too. Tell Emma that Sarah has been talking inappropriately about her husband. Best result - Emma and John make their marriage stronger, and Sarah is ostracised. I wouldn’t trust her one bit. What else has she been lying about? She’s a snake.

OP do you actually want to keep Sarah as your best friend? Not sure I would in these circumstances. She has shown you she’s not the person you thought she was.

One day this will all come out, if Sarah tells people you knew but said nothing then you're going to look bad Op especially to Emma. Sarah doesn' t seem very loyal to her friends so I wouldn't bank on her not dropping you in it.I
s it possible your DH already knows but he too has been asked to keep her secret, if he adores her I wouldn't be surprised. I'd ask him and see

A friend asking to keep something from your own husband is not a friend in my book. Think you'll discover that in time.

@Livelovebehappy

Can’t believe people on here saying they would stay loyal to Sarah and say nothing. Have people got such a low bar when it comes to friendships that they wouldn’t care that a clse friend has no moral compass? Are people so desperate for friends that they would overlook such awful behaviour in a friend?

I mean, there is probably more to Sarah than the relationships she's in. I imagine there is history between her and OP. You can't define someone by this, it's simply not that black and white.

I'm normally one for saying tell them but I think you shouldn't and to cool it with Sarah. I think she wants you to spill.

This is such a daily Mail type of story. I hope the OP has changed a good few details.

While I despise cheating, if Sarah was my best friend I wouldn’t get involved. Although I would make my disapproval known and tell her in no uncertain terms that I couldn’t keep something like that from my husband.

StellaDendrite " This is such a Daily Mail type of story...."

I thought so too.

Yeah you wouldn’t catch me wanting to remain Sarah’s friend. As for what I’d do? No idea. But it would boil down to not knowing the best way to deal with it for Emma’s sake, as opposed to be worried about my friendships or the cheaters reactions.

Not sure how I’d feel about my husband condoning it to be honest?? That would also make me feel very differently about him

I think you should tell Emma.

I have 2 friends who discovered their husbands had been unfaithful after long affairs and each was deeply upset by the fact that other people knew and had lied by omission.

Once she knows what’s going on she can decide what she wants to do.

Sarah has effectively bust up your friendship group good and proper. She has taken a gamble that you will side with her and prioritise your friendship with her over your much less close friendship with Emma. When this comes out, as it’s bound to at some point, the other members of the group will think you must have known the whole time because you and Sarah are so close. They’ll ditch her, and they’ll ditch you too.

I would tell Sarah and John that they must tell Emma. Let them tell her, not you who has been dragged into this in all innocence - why should you do their dirty work and get caught in the crossfire?

Your friendship with Sarah will never be repaired, I’m afraid. She’s shown what a value she puts on friendship generally (worth sacrificing for a shag) and on yours specifically (putting you in an untenable position). Either you lose your whole friendship group but keep Sarah who clearly doesn’t care for your feelings or anyone else’s, or you lose Sarah. Sorry mate, but I’d lose Sarah.

Bloody bell.

It’s a shitty situation Sarah has put you in. Personally I would have one long hard conversation with her - pointing out how crap it is to rip a family apart, and how poisoned her relationship will be - step parenting the kids of a woman who hates her - he may end up resenting the whole situation, and their relationship may well collapse. And then tell her you will not become her confidante. Anytime she does raise it, keep telling her how shit and poisoned you think the whole thing is.

However - I wouldn’t personally tell anyone else. She’s your best friend and she deserves your loyalty as a partner or child does - shitty behaviour does not change that. Plus anything you do do could make a bad situation worse - John may well have no intention of leaving his wife, and the whole thing may end without anyone else being any the wiser. You can’t help putting yourself in Emma’s shoes I know - but you cannot know if she would want to be confronted with this or not - if she leaves John and has to struggle financially for the next two decades that may be a far worse outcome for her and the kids than an affair that fizzled out without causing permanent damage.

Sarah has landed you with an awful burden and you can tell her how pissed off you are about that too. But you are not obligated to interfere - it’s not your job to fix it - and not knowing John or Emma well, you may cause more damage if you try.

You were being a sticky beak and now you don't know what to do with the information you asked for. Personally, I'd leave well enough alone and forget you ever heard anything. Tell your best friend you don't want to hear anymore about it and leave it at that.

And yes, I’d tell my husband, because I’d be upset and need to talk it over with someone who knew Sarah.

Tell them they have to tell her it you will be writing an anonymous letter.

It's completely selfish of Sarah to expect you to keep this secret, and to do this in the first place. She sounds like an awful person, the loss of her friendship will be a gift. If she can do something like this to Emma she can do it to you.

Same here. It’s possible to love your friend while still disliking their behaviour.

I might feel the same if it was a deeply regretted one night stand we were talking about rather than a four year affair. I’m afraid that would make me dislike more than their behaviour.

Husband probably adores Sarah as she may be with him too.

@BreatheAndFocus

Sarah is not your friend. She’s only a friend to herself. She doesn’t want your husband to lose respect for her? Uh huh. I don’t believe a word of it. She’s probably got her eye on your husband too and doesn’t want him to know she’s already shagging John.

I also suspect something has happened between her and John - he’s finished it or won’t commit - and she’s setting you up as shit-stirrer in an attempt to destroy Emma and John’s marriage.

Tell John that Sarah is sleeping with other men too. Tell Emma that Sarah has been talking inappropriately about her husband. Best result - Emma and John make their marriage stronger, and Sarah is ostracised. I wouldn’t trust her one bit. What else has she been lying about? She’s a snake.

@BreatheAndFocus You are completely fucking bonkers, and judging by your advice something of a snake yourself, but you have certainly added a shot of humour to a sad thread

Sarah 'wanted to open up' and so has dumped this on you, but expects you to keep it from everyone including your DH? Fuck that. I would warn her that you don't keep secrets from your DH and that you will be telling him. I would also be clear that you don't approve and that this really needs to come to a conclusion one way or another as a friend of yours is being treated appallingly even if it's not your closest friend and you won't allow that to go on.

@wizzywig

Husband probably adores Sarah as she may be with him too.

Oh, this MUST be it. Not a chance in hell could they have a platonic relationship because Sarah is obviously a temptress and no man can resist an opportunity to cheat, right?

Sarah is not to be trusted. Keep your distance, from her & this situation. It’s gonna get messy, there’ll be tears before bedtime & you don’t want to be the one mopping up.

Distance distance distance

I cut off contact with my best friend for having an affair with a married man. I didn’t know the wife but she worked with her 1:1 every day. This isn’t the sort of person I wanted as a best friend and after 12 years of friendship we fell out. I would tell Emma because I find cheating absolutely abhorrent. Other people are able to turn a blind eye but that isn’t me. I don’t regret my decision but you need to work out if you want a friend so capable of betrayal. Especially when she’s so fond of your DH.

I have a policy. I don’t collude in other people’s secrets. It’s not my secret and I would do exactly what is right. You collude, you are guilty.

I’d speak to John. I’d tell my husband. I’d lose all respect for Sarah.

I’ve been in a similar situation and I have never seen ‘Sarah’ since.

I’m not saying it’s easy, or nice, but you do what is right. Why lie and cheat. No way.

Is op coming back.