Friend having affair with friends husband for 4 years!

[MachineGinKelly]

I'm completely in shock and have no idea where to turn!
I'm in a circle of friends of about 6 people. We've been friends since 16 at college. We're not all super close but we meet up (pre-covid) for birthdays, Christmas night out, the occasional girls night etc. But we're older now and have more commitments.
We'll call the 2 friends in question Sarah and Emma for privacy. Sarah is my best friend, she lives on my street, we see each other everyday (pre-covid) and facetime and she's like my right arm. She's also my husbands workmate, she's always told me everything or so I thought.
Emma is a part of the friend group but we're not really close, we wouldn't ever speak other than the general get togethers. But she's still a friend.
Emma has been married for 8 years (we're all 32) we'll call her husband John and they have kids.

I've known Sarah be seeing someone on and off for a couple of years but very casual and she just said it was someone she met in town once. I've never questioned it because she's single and likes to keep everything casual, she's always lived alone and been independent.
I saw John going into Sarah's house last week and when I called her and asked why she instantly told me she's been seeing him for 4 years in secret! It used to be one night every so often but then turned into more regular meet ups. Sarah said they were both agreed it was best that way but since lockdown when John and Emma both went on furlough, he hasn't had an excuse to go see her and they've realised how much they love one another. Sarah said she doesn't expect him to leave Emma yet but she thinks he will one day when things are easier for them.
I'm in total shock. She's asked me not to tell anyone including my husband who she sees at work everyday and she's asked me not to tell Emma, she said she wanted to open up to me but not do anything and just wanted someone to talk to.
I'm so angry at her for doing this to Emma and I'm angry she's told me expecting me to keep this lie for her. I'm completely torn. I want to be there for my best friend but I don't want to put Emma through this any longer when the poor woman has no clue what her husband is up to and for so long!
Please tell me what to do and let me know if I'm unreasonable to think about just telling my friend I want no part in it and pretend I never heard it?

What if you were Emma.

What if you were Emma and your 'friend' had just told another mutual friend that she was sleeping with your husband.

What would you want that mutual friend to do. Be honest.

Because it will come out eventually, almost undoubtedly. Would you want to be the wife who didn't know while everyone else did, including your so-called friends?

I would take a huge step back from Sarah who has shown her true colours: she's not a good friend to Emma or you for putting you in this position. And trying to prevent you from taking any action via your husband.

Tell your husband (and watch his reaction carefully, btw, because it's obvious Sarah doesn't have an issue with sleeping with her friends' husbands, it may have already happened).

And if you don't say anything to Emma, don't complain if down the line it all comes out and people find out you knew and ostracize you as well.

Tell your husband. Do not tell Emma and involve yourself in this drama any further. You will end up being the bad one with everyone if you do. I’d stay well clea rand tell Sarah you don’t want to hear anything else about it.

[quote MachineGinKelly]@giggly
I don't know to be completely honest. I feel awful just knowing about it and every second that passes I feel even worse that I know and should be doing something. She's put me in an awful position when I can't even tell my husband because they work next to each other everyday and she doesn't want to lose his respect, I think even he would probably tell me not to tell Emma because he adores Sarah too and would do anything for her.
I can't win in this but it's not about me, I keep thinking about Emma and how crushed she's going to be when it comes out
4 years is madness, how has she kept it a secret for so long??? And how has she seen Emma so many times and acted like nothing is wrong?
I don't know what to do, one minute I think it's none of my business and I'm staying out of it and the next minute I think I have to go tell Emma because I'd be destroyed if it was me![/quote]
Tell your husband. And watch him carefully when you do - he may already know.

Tell them all. I actually faced something similar with my best friend of ten years. It was shocking but I wanted no part in the deception. If you stay silent you are complicit to this kind of behaviour. I wasn't able to look at myself in the mirror and do that.

@LBXXX

What everyone so quick to run and tell their husband? It’s nothing to do with him! And by telling him this is also putting him in a compromising position so I just wouldn’t tell him at all. Seriously your husband doesn’t need to be told everything

This isn’t a secret that’s going to ruin OP and her relationship

Yes, it bugs me when wives tell husbands everything they hear, husbands really don't want to know about other people's affairs! I can't see the op's husband telling her if someone they knew was having an affair. It's not called 'pillow talk' for nothing.

In the op's position I would have a frank talk with the adulterous pair, see what they have to say and leave it there. I have a feeling that somebody else, close to them, knowing will bring things to a head and maybe an end without the op having to tell Emma. Let's wait and see.

Apart from anything else, they really were indiscreet. I must say I wouldn't have asked Sarah why John called round but I don't notice much.

@Onesailwait

Not a popular option but I wouldn't say anything & my loyalty would be to my best friend.

Same but I would probably avoid talking about it whilst it was ongoing.

She's awful! How could she do that, not just to her fiend but to Emma's children!
She is not the sort of person I'd want in my life, she clearly looks out for number one.
I'd actually be rethinking this friendship. Do you want to be close to someone who could knowingly hurt others.
I wonder if she told you as a way of moving things forward.
I'd message them both in a group text and say you know and are shocked, disappointed. Say they both need to think very carefully about the next steps as John has his family to consider! Hopefully he ends it once he knows the cats out the bag! This way you've been upfront with both of them, and the ball is in their court.

I feel for you. It's a horrible situation to be put in. I haven't been in the same situation but I have known about an affair and been told to keep quiet about it.

In my situation, my sister was seeing a married guy (with kids) and she told me but said to keep it from my parents. She even introduced him to them with them not knowing that he was married. I felt so uncomfortable and it really changed my opinion of her.

I think it's unreasonable for Sarah to put you in this position. So I don't think you really owe her anything. You can't be expected to keep it from your husband. It might be good to talk it over with him and see what he says.

OP, do you actually want to maintain a friendship with Sarah now that you know all this? It’s your decision to make but if it was me, I’d never want such a scumbag ever near me again so I’d have no loyalty to her.

Imagine you were in Emma’s position. Would you not want to be told if others in the group knew that your husband was having a four year long affair with your friend? The affair itself will crush Emma but you have a chance to spare her the extra humiliation of her knowing her other friends knew and didn’t tell her.

@Onesailwait

Not a popular option but I wouldn't say anything & my loyalty would be to my best friend.

Mine wouldn't

Even if I kept out of it, Sarah wouldn't be my friend any more

If she’s 32, I’d assume she’d be looking at wanting children in the near future - or for him to move in - it can’t stay an affair indefinitely can it?

I wonder why she told you? My bet is she wants you to tel Emma and do his dirty work for them. You’ll be the bad guy in this situation, because you knew and told or you knew and didn’t tell.

However, she doesn’t want you to tell your husband because that would affect her daily and personally.

You are in a difficult position and I don’t envy you at all.

Sarah’s told you because she’s selfish. She wants to keep your OH’s friendship and respect, she thinks you care enough about her to be on her side, and she’s passed the burden of her secret on to you.

These are not the actions of a good friend.

I’d tell your OH. Not to share gossip, but because it’s something that’s distressing you. When something is upsetting one of us, DH and I talk it over. It helps.

Tell your husband & then you have someone to talk through things with & decide what to do. Don't become her go-to friend for chats in all of this...you know Emma... Sarah confiding in you & asking you not to tell is just so unfair.

It's a wonder you've never seen John at hers before if it has been going on 4 yrs. If she had lied & said he was over to fix the washing machine...would you have let it go, if it sounded suspicious? Would you have mentioned it to DH or if you ran into Emma...is it only now you do know they are cheaters that you feel you can't say. If I were Emma, I'd hate if someone came by with "I saw John yesterday over by ours, but he didn't call in...I wonder what he was doing there. .?" & loded with suspicion leaving me to dwell on it & wonder when John tells me the story if there is some BS to it. . I'd much prefer ' John was in Sarah's yest, I said I saw him, she told me they've been sleeping together'. But then that's me...I'd much rather the awful truth than be left in the dark with other people talking about me

Can’t believe people on here saying they would stay loyal to Sarah and say nothing. Have people got such a low bar when it comes to friendships that they wouldn’t care that a clse friend has no moral compass? Are people so desperate for friends that they would overlook such awful behaviour in a friend?

I can see why Sarah kept this secret from you for four years, until caught. I have two best friends, but one who I tell precious little, as she relays everything to her blabbermouth of a husband.
My loyalty is to my friend. You can chastise her / tell her what you think about the error of her ways, (in love), then carry on. Your husband must understand that best friends keep each others' confidence.
Can't stand all this fair weather friendship.

I would be questioning the friendship. The fact she’s managed to keep this going for 4 years and she’s seen Emma in that time and acted like there was nothing wrong would make me question what else she was capable of. You say your husband adores her, there’s no reason if her morals are this dodgy that it couldn’t have been your DH instead of John. She obviously has no qualms about shagging a mates husband.

I don’t know what I would do in the situation and it’s a horrible position to be in. I wouldn’t be telling Emma straight away but I think I would want John to know I knew so he had to eventually make a decision. I certainly couldn’t socialise with them in a group again knowing that info.

I would also tell Sarah I don’t think John has any intention of leaving Emma. He’s just playing lip service so he can have a no strings shag.

What a mess and she’s put you in a very difficult situation. I honestly don’t know what I would do. I think I would tell my DH though.

I haven't RTFT but I don't think I'd actually want to continue a friendship with someone who had behaved as Emma has anyway.

Well, Sarah has royally fucked up your friendship group, hasn’t she? Whatever you do, your friends will doubtless find out you knew and you will be judged one way or another. The assumption if you don’t tell, when everyone finds out, will be that you knew for most of the four years, because Sarah is your best friend. You will be a liar, like Sarah. Anyone who decides Sarah is not worth being friendly with any more will think the same about you.

Reading this I thought straight away you should tell Emma, it’s obvious, why would you not etc... but then I think about my own best friend and know I could never betray her (even if she’d betrayed someone else). I guess it depends which friend you’d rather lose, which is sad, but I’m sure you’d probably rather keep your best friend not matter what she’s done 😣
I don’t envy you OP x

Your friend has been very selfish to burden you with this.

I would definitely tell my partner. I would be feeling very stressed and he would notice, I wouldn’t keep something like that from him. If he chose to say something, that’s his decision. We would talk and decide what’s best, which may be to tell Emma the truth.

If we decided not to say anything, I think my relationship with Sarah would naturally change as I’d lose respect for her for what she’s doing and the fact that she was selfish enough to put this on me and expect me not to say anything. I would end up not bothering with her at all.

I wouldn’t go on any more nights out with this group because I would feel too awkward.

I think questions would be asked within the group as to why I was not as close to Sarah anymore, why I didn’t go out with the group anymore and I think the truth would come out eventually.

Emma’s husband is a complete cunt, obviously. Poor Emma and the rest of the group. Sarah and the selfish, cheating husband will basically ruin years of friendship between many people. I hope they’re very miserable together.

First thoughts stay out of it but I know it's not that easy in reality.

I wouldn't want to betray my best friend. I wouldn't be happy with her though and I think I'd tell her I don't want to know about it. Try pretend I never heard it. I would tell ur husband though u deserve to have someone to talk it through with too!

You will lose a friend out of this though when Emma finds out unless u tell her. Sarah has put you in a really awful awful situation. I do wonder if she wants the cat out the bag so she can get her man. He might be stringing her along through as many men do this and promise to leave when children older etc but really have no intention of doing so.

Mums in the playground…I also questioned this friend and asked her how could she stay friends with her, her answer was because she felt sorry for her that she now had no friends. I then asked her how she would feel if the husband she had slept with was hers and she watched someone still supporting her? She had never considered being Emma in your situation

I always feel sorry for the children in this situation. There are problems with the adult friendship groups so it interferes with the children's school and personal lives and they'll not understand why (unless somebody explains and they tend to find out when someone is being cruel).

She wants you to do her dirty work for her.
She wants you to tell someone, so that you can be labelled the gossiper who couldn't keep her mouth shut. You can be blamed for destroying the group. Clever Sarah.

So - I would do what I felt was right.

I would send a message to Sarah that I was ending our friendship. Nothing else.
I would leave the friendship WhatsApp group. No message.
Wait & see if Sarah messages your DH. When he asks what is going on, say that Sarah has confided in you & told you specifically not to tell him.

Let the group discuss this. You are out of it. Stay out of it. The truth will out itself eventually. Let Sarah do her own dirty work.

But wave goodbye to this group. You may be able to rescue some friendships in the future, but for now, it is toxic.

I’d do a watered down version of ending the friendship

I’d say you need a break to think

Take away the heat of drama and secrecy which Sarah is thriving on

Let her sort out the mess she has created

@Onesailwait

Not a popular option but I wouldn't say anything & my loyalty would be to my best friend.

Same here. It’s possible to love your friend while still disliking their behaviour.