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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so disappointed in friends?

117 replies

starsandhearts21 · 01/04/2021 23:23

I started a new job this week after months of unemployment having been made redundant in my previous post. So my friends knew life had been a struggle for me since then. I'm early 30s, single.

Firstly, I had to let my friends know how the interviews went, nobody asked. So I felt disappointed initially at that, particularly because I would ask knowing if the tables were turned and I knew how important it was to them. They did know about the process and when I had the interviews.

When I told them I had the job, they were all really pleased for me. They were sending me messages saying its great news and exactly the sort of thing they can see me doing, that I should be proud to have been picked as there were a lot going for the role etc.

And then this week, I started Monday. Not one of them (3 I consider close) have sent me a text or anything to ask how its going. Knowing that i've started now. I was only offered the position last week so its not like there's been a big gap since I told them I had the job.

I just feel so disappointed and its really put a dampener on what should be an exciting week. But am I right to feel my friends should have been in touch and asked how it is?

OP posts:
QueenOfPain · 01/04/2021 23:25

Are you in group chats with them? I think that can sometimes make people feel like it’s more a continuous conversation and people share their news as it happens, rather than needing to make an event of deliberately texting someone about things.

daisiesinmay · 01/04/2021 23:25

They might have just assumed you were too busy and are giving you time to settle in OP. Congrats on the job Star

RedHelenB · 01/04/2021 23:25

I think yabu given that they were all pleased you got the job.This suggests they do care about You and your happiness.You can't expect people to behave the way you want them to.

violetbunny · 01/04/2021 23:26

I'm sorry, I think you're being a little bit precious. They most likely have a lot of other stuff going on in their lives. They congratulated you on getting the job already and sounds like they were happy for you.

SnarkyBag · 01/04/2021 23:28

Yes I think YABU to be honest. They congratulated you and were happy for you. People have lives of their own as long as they take a general interest the next time you catch up that’s fine.

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 01/04/2021 23:30

I'll be honest, I think it's only a mum and maybe a sister who would be so invested in this. They've congratulated you, shown they are pleased for you, it sounds like they are decent friends. Please remember people have a lot going on. I think you should chill and just be proud of yourself. You don't need everyone marking every moment of it for it to mean something.

Cocomarine · 01/04/2021 23:30

I would want to be asked about how the interviews had gone. It can be demoralising if you’re not getting jobs, or you think it went badly. I would be all ears if someone said, “so I had an interview today...” - but I can see myself waiting for them to speak up first.

They sound lovely, over the reaction to the job.

As to first day... I probably would send a good luck message the night before and/or ask how it went at the end of the first day. But honestly, in my main friendship group chat, people do tend to start the convo themselves... so they’d say, “first day down!” and there’d be genuine interest to chat about it.

Only you know what this group are usually like? The reactions to you getting the job do sound nice though.

Lou98 · 01/04/2021 23:30

Sorry but I think yabu, you said it was only last week that you got offered the job and they were all happy for you, congratulated you etc so they probably just didn't think about saying it again a week later.

Of course you can't help being disappointed but to be honest I don't think they've done anything wrong, try not to worry about it and just enjoy your new role

SnarkyBag · 01/04/2021 23:32

Also I would probably text and ask a friend if I remembered but there’s a really good chance it would just slip my mind that someone had started a new job. Doesn’t mean I don’t care just means I’ve got a lot of my own stuff to juggle and think about.

NinthCircle · 01/04/2021 23:35

To me, you expect a lot of input. They were very enthusiastic and pleased last week when you got the job. You’ve only been at the job for three days. Don’t they get some slack before you’re getting terribly disappointed about how their failure to ask how it’s going has put a dampener on your first week at a job you’re delighted to have got?

How can the absence of a text from friends really change your feelings about getting a job after a period of unemployment that much?

dayslikethese1 · 01/04/2021 23:36

They'll probably ask you about it when you next catch up OP. Its hard to follow every detail of someone's life as it happens, as pp have said, ppl have their own shit going on as well.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 01/04/2021 23:51

I wouldn't have time for this type of close attention to friends beyond congratulating them when they got it, the way my friend chat works is people tend to mention stuff rather than expect to be asked. Sorry but as someone else said, this is stuff your mum or partner would be interested in, friends with busy lives will still be interested in how you are getting on, but would probably just raise it the next time you were chatting, or if you mentioned it yourself,

Howshouldibehave · 01/04/2021 23:55

If this was me who had an interview or started a new job, I’d just give updates on a group chat if I wanted to, at the end of the day. I have wonderful lovely caring friends but I wouldn’t expect everyone to remember the specific dates of things like this.

Original poster
starsandhearts21 · 01/04/2021 23:55

Thanks for the responses. I feel better now i'm seeing it from others pov.

I think its down to the fact that it can feel quite lonely when you're single and only got friends to rely on to even ask.

OP posts:
SnarkyBag · 01/04/2021 23:58

I can see that it must feel a bit lonely but try not to see it as people not caring. I hope it has been a good first week in your new job though Flowers

SRS29 · 01/04/2021 23:59

Firstly OP congratulations on your new job 😊 secondly trust your friends.....everyone is just socially tested and in a really funny space...sometimes tired of trying to be so upbeat all the time. They are so pleased for you, or they would not be your friends...enjoy your new job 😊

Chimboo · 02/04/2021 00:08

Congratulations on your job! So exciting! 🙂 try not to read too much into it. Good friends who didn’t congratulate me on new jobs/promotions were absolutely out of this world amazing when my husband was diagnosed with a brain tumour last year, I was blown away - and it really showed me who my friends really were. I think sometimes positive stuff gets lost in the “busy-ness” of life, especially right now when no one is feeling quite themselves. ❤️

MyDogCalledMax · 02/04/2021 00:12

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Zancah · 02/04/2021 00:20

Congratulations, but honestly - if you were my friend - you'd have to understand I've got kids, a house, a full time job and hopefully, a life of my own going on in there somewhere.
This last year has been an unholy nightmare. I don't have time to take much interest in what everybody else is doing. You're doing great? fab, I'm really pleased for you - but that's about as much as I can manage unfortunately. I am burned out.

And the people who take offence at you not messaging them often enough are usually the ones who "punish" you by not reaching out to you either. The phone works both ways, be honest - have you asked any of them about their lives, really, in any depth?

Ploughingthrough · 02/04/2021 01:17

You're being super needy, sorry. They congratulated you on the job, I'm sure they'll ask how its going next time you speak.
Adults have busy lives; kids, aging parents, jobs of their own, worries you dont know about, health stuff. They sound like nice friends.

LadyWithLapdog · 02/04/2021 01:18

Congratulations on your new job. It’s a tough market a.t.m. My friend started a new job after many years a sahm. I’m afraid I forgot to ask her until someone else in the group brought it up. But I was pleased for her.

SeaWitchly · 02/04/2021 05:26

Congratulations, but honestly - if you were my friend - you'd have to understand I've got kids, a house, a full time job and hopefully, a life of my own going on in there somewhere

This ^

You sound hard work and remind me somewhat of two single friends of mine... I love them both dearly but they sometimes require so much support and input that I just don't have time for in a busy life where I have two children, a husband and elderly parents I am also responsible for. Personally I don't expect any of my friends to remember memorable dates or events - I will bring these up if I wish to talk about them. And please don't post passive aggressive memes on Facebook re friendship as one of my single friends does Grin

lughnasadh · 02/04/2021 05:31

Did you post about this after the interview too?

If not, there are two of you being utterly unreasonable.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 02/04/2021 05:41

Congratulations, but honestly - if you were my friend - you'd have to understand I've got kids, a house, a full time job and hopefully, a life of my own going on in there somewhere

This again. So many peoples lives are the daily grind atm. Some harder than others.

My daughters mental health is shot to shit atm and I would be very happy for a friend who had a new job, and would hope I would say congratulations, but with everything going on, I might forget to ask how every step of the way was.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 02/04/2021 05:44

I don't even think I would notice that friends hadn't text about something like that.

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