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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so disappointed in friends?

117 replies

starsandhearts21 · 01/04/2021 23:23

I started a new job this week after months of unemployment having been made redundant in my previous post. So my friends knew life had been a struggle for me since then. I'm early 30s, single.

Firstly, I had to let my friends know how the interviews went, nobody asked. So I felt disappointed initially at that, particularly because I would ask knowing if the tables were turned and I knew how important it was to them. They did know about the process and when I had the interviews.

When I told them I had the job, they were all really pleased for me. They were sending me messages saying its great news and exactly the sort of thing they can see me doing, that I should be proud to have been picked as there were a lot going for the role etc.

And then this week, I started Monday. Not one of them (3 I consider close) have sent me a text or anything to ask how its going. Knowing that i've started now. I was only offered the position last week so its not like there's been a big gap since I told them I had the job.

I just feel so disappointed and its really put a dampener on what should be an exciting week. But am I right to feel my friends should have been in touch and asked how it is?

OP posts:
OhTheTastyNuts · 02/04/2021 08:18

My friend recently started a new job. I have children and a husband and elderly parents and a job. I still managed to send her a message (it took less than a minute!) asking how her first week was going.

People who don't have a support network at home (partner, kids) are obviously going to rely more on their friends. The responses on here saying 'well how could you expect me to remember?A I have a HUSBAND and KIDS and a LIFE you know' seem to be missing this point a bit!

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 02/04/2021 08:20

@SnarkyBag

Yes I think YABU to be honest. They congratulated you and were happy for you. People have lives of their own as long as they take a general interest the next time you catch up that’s fine.
This. People have their own lives and their own issues, I can personally barely keep up with the comings and going's of my own life let alone my friends
Sundances · 02/04/2021 08:23

Maybe Easter plans are taking precedence. I mean it's the first get togethers in months!!
I would just email them and tell them , they are probably interested, just busy.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 02/04/2021 08:25

it can feel quite lonely when you're single and only got friends to rely on
yes - but you do have to put the footwork in to maintain friendships, and that includes initiating calls, reaching out if you feel lonely.
Most of my friends have been brilliant over the last year - particularly my best friend, who works full time, has children, elderly father that needs support... but my friendships are mutually supportive relationships.

the only time when I was reliant on my friends contacting me and did sod all to initiate contact was the month I was ill with covid - and they did, I couldn't have wished for more.
But starting a new job? What is stopping you calling someone, starting a WhatsApp chat, texting or whatever your preferred communication channel with "first day - went well/shock to the system" - or whatever?

Flippinfab40 · 02/04/2021 08:34

I don't think you are being unreasonable. What are friends for if not to remember and care about this type of thing and support each other? It doesn't take much to send a message and it means a lot to know someone is thinking about you. But, people are busy and not everyone would think about it as some of the replies show. They were happy for you and congratulated you so that's something.

Congratulations OP and I hope your first week went well.

InTheNightWeWillWish · 02/04/2021 08:34

I sometimes loose track of time so I might not bring it up. Even only a week after. I am also usually more interested in asking how someone is getting on with their new job a few weeks in, as I think the first week is not a real taste for how the job will be. By week 4 most people will able to talk a bit more in depth about the job, the bits they’re liking, not liking and if they’re settling in. A week in pretty much every job is learning where the kitchen is, learning one person’s name and slyly asking them to remind you of everyone else’s names, reading through hundreds of policies and ringing IT about 40 times a day.

redcarbluecar · 02/04/2021 08:35

Congrats on the job, OP. Sometimes things slip people’s minds, but I’m sure your friends do care. They (or someone in the group) might have meant to text you today - ‘How’s the first week gone?’ Maybe be proactive - text to wish a happy Easter weekend or something - and this might remind them that it’s been a significant week for you. I think this is better than nurturing that disappointed feeling.

NeverMetANiceOne · 02/04/2021 08:42

Do things for yourself, not for praise from others.
Yab totally unreasonable and actually very self involved.
It's a job. Everyone in the world is having a tough time right now, and it doesn't all revolve around you.
They already congratulated you, what more do you want? They could erect a statue dedicated to your first day, but they are probably busy trying to get on with their lives...

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 02/04/2021 08:49

Sorry you’re feeling disappointed, OP. Lockdown is a weird and lonely time and those of us living alone are more dependent on friends than usual.

Why not send your friends a Happy Easter message with a quick update on how the new job’s going?

And Wine from me on the new job.

memberofthewedding · 02/04/2021 08:58

You should try having a family like mine! I was the first in my family ever to go to uni. got a 1st and my parents didnt even come to my graduation. There were families who trekked from India and Taiwan to attend their son/daughters graduation. Mine didnt even travel from Liverpool to Manchester. Needless to say it remained an issue for many years.

Obviously, like your friends, they had other priorities.

SecretSpAD · 02/04/2021 08:59

Totally agree. I'm surprised some of the people on this thread have friends, they sound very self absorbed, it's all about me me me.

Agree with this. All we hear is how hard it has been working and homeschooling etc. It feels like society doesn't care about single, childless adults who have had an incredibly lonely year. It is, actually, ok to be a bit needy at times. Those of us with husbands have that person automatically in the same house. Single people often only have friends. Why make someone's life and mental health worse than it could be when it just takes a couple of minutes to send a text asking how they are? After all, many of these incredibly busy people seem to spend a lot of time on here.

And yes, I do check in with friends - whether they are single or not.

Mellivora · 02/04/2021 09:04

Congratulations on your new job.
I probably wouldn’t remember the exact start date if I’m honest.

UnbeatenMum · 02/04/2021 09:04

I started a new job about 2 years ago which was also a career change. Only my family sent good luck messages on the day and asked how it went although friends asked when I saw them, which is kind of what I'd expect tbh.

happywombles · 02/04/2021 09:06

but what do people do if they have no partner or close family? i do sort of get that tou would rely more on your friends when single. i can see how it would be a bit rubbish if you dont feel like anyone cares

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 02/04/2021 09:07

Surely the point is though that the OP is only on day 4 of her new job. I would contact a friend after a week or two and probably remember they had a new job and say how's it going, but I wouldn't be poised to remember this just a couple of days in.

As for being a good friend- the OP could post on the group chat how's everyone doing, listen to their replies and say about her new job. Everyone would be really interested/happy to hear about it I'm sure.

I'm a very sociable person, am in at least three or four group chats/groups that meet up, but we just chat in a more fluid way, with everyone pitching in when they have something to say. I wouldn't be able to remember every single thing every one of my friends is doing in the week that's significant (e.g. had an op, had a vaccine, had a tough time at work, had a problem with their husband/wife/teens, had a big event at work, started a new job) but I would be really interested if they reminded me and started a conversation asking how I was as well.

If you sit and wait and get upset no-one asked you, you get nothing out of a situation that is easily resolved by a quick 'how's everyone doing' and starting a conversation.

Sceptre86 · 02/04/2021 09:11

You are overreacting a bit. If I was your friend I would probably wait till your first week was done and then check in with you to see how it went. I did the same when my best friend started her new job. She did tell me her start date but I forgot otherwise I probably would have sent her a good luck text. I work, have two preschoolers and am pregnant, like a lot of people my plate is kinda full at the moment. Thankfully she didn't hold it against me. Not should you with your grinds. Congratulations and best of luck in your new job.

Beachcomber74 · 02/04/2021 09:14

In the future you need to nudge abit, the night before send a text “I’m really nervous for tm” that way you’ll subtly remind them & can gear a convo towards it.

itsasin77 · 02/04/2021 09:14

Congratulations on the job, that is absolutely wonderful for you.
However.... I do think YABU. I now have an ex friend because of perhaps similar demands as yourself. Always wanting appreciation and a nod for every thing she did. It got too exhausting when she started getting huffy and making sarky comments or ignoring me if I didn’t respond to any little bit of info.
Everybody has such busy lives, they have acknowledged already how brilliant this is for you. But please don’t expect them to have on their brain the day you started, they should be immediately messaging you.
It’s life, other things to think about. I’m sure they will ask “hows it going” when it crosses their mind. It doesn’t mean they don’t care.
Everybody is different and you can’t expect them to fall into your communication demands or expectancy.

Sceptre86 · 02/04/2021 09:14

*friends not grinds!

userxx · 02/04/2021 09:19

After all, many of these incredibly busy people seem to spend a lot of time on here

🤣. So very true.

RedToothBrush · 02/04/2021 09:22

The world does not revolve around you.

You've had a lot going on. So have lots of others.

They sent you lots of congratulations.

Be less needy.

weightedblanketlove · 02/04/2021 09:27

Op yabu - you have identified you are lonely. That is what us clouding your view. Congratulations on the new job.

Can you suggest a meet up with friends?

You have been at one extreme of the lockdown experience- single, living alone, not working. That's a hell of a lot of time to sit think and feel lonley. I imagine that has been very hard.

I have been at the other extreme-working extra hours ( out of the house-health care professional) trying desperately to home school a young whilst entertaining a preschooler. I've dropped so many balls at work, house in a tip etc I've collapsed into bed exhausted every night and not been able to check in with friends or even family. It's hell in a different way.

I would initiate the conversation myself tbh - how was you week etc? Them tell them how your new job has been.

Twylar · 02/04/2021 09:33

"Totally agree. I'm surprised some of the people on this thread have friends, they sound very self absorbed, it's all about me me me."

Sums it up perfectly

YANBU OP. It's totally reasonable to feel this way. But what you're experiencing isn't unique.

Once friends have their families they don't have that much time to check in and obviously their priorities rightfully change.

But it doesn't take away from the fact that it's annoying to have to actively seek out interaction and support for your own life and achievements and it is lonely.

The only thing you can change about these situations is to adjust your own expectations ( I literally have no expectations of my friends now lol). Bring up whatever you want to talk about, when you want to talk about it. That way you'll get your support when you need it.

MAPEI · 02/04/2021 10:15

I’m going to go against the grain and say YANBU OP.

A few of my friends have got new jobs in the last 6 months and we’ve all messaged after their first day/ couple of days to ask how it’s going. I had an interview a few weeks ago and a couple of my friends (who both have husbands and very young children) messaged that evening to ask how it had gone.

I absolutely remember things like friend’s first day at a new job (though I do have a good memory to be fair)

I have a husband and a busy life but I still check in on friends, whether they’re single or not.

I don’t think it’s worth falling out over or anything though and tbh I wouldn’t be posting any ‘is anyone going to ask me how my first week went’ type messages on any whatsapp groups. That’s beyond cringe. Just be proud you’ve got a new job and if possible try and arrange a meet up with friends soon so you can discuss it IRL.

MrsJBaptiste · 02/04/2021 10:15

@Sundances

Maybe Easter plans are taking precedence. I mean it's the first get togethers in months!! I would just email them and tell them , they are probably interested, just busy.
Yes but it doesn't take much to stick a note in your phone to remind you to message X and ask thwm how their new job is going.

I wouldn't do this for everyone I know but for close friends, definitely. Just the same with their birthdays, kids birthdays, holidays, etc.