to be so disappointed in friends?

[starsandhearts21]

I started a new job this week after months of unemployment having been made redundant in my previous post. So my friends knew life had been a struggle for me since then. I'm early 30s, single.

Firstly, I had to let my friends know how the interviews went, nobody asked. So I felt disappointed initially at that, particularly because I would ask knowing if the tables were turned and I knew how important it was to them. They did know about the process and when I had the interviews.

When I told them I had the job, they were all really pleased for me. They were sending me messages saying its great news and exactly the sort of thing they can see me doing, that I should be proud to have been picked as there were a lot going for the role etc.

And then this week, I started Monday. Not one of them (3 I consider close) have sent me a text or anything to ask how its going. Knowing that i've started now. I was only offered the position last week so its not like there's been a big gap since I told them I had the job.

I just feel so disappointed and its really put a dampener on what should be an exciting week. But am I right to feel my friends should have been in touch and asked how it is?

I just feel so disappointed and its really put a dampener on what should be an exciting week.

This was an exciting week for you because you started a new job. Your feelings about it shouldn't depend on how many people text you.

This may say something about the dynamics of the friendship more generally ie do you generally feel you make more effort to remember things in their lives and texts than they do?

Maybe they have other things going on or have been busy.

You are old enough to realize that you are not the center of everyone else's universe. Don't rely on other people to validate you, you will be unhappy. Look after yourself and look out for your friends. Be a radiator, not a drain.

Scrunch is right. Especially in a pandemic when people have so much to juggle.

I think you're overthinking it due to loneliness.

Do not send the message suggested by a previous poster unless you want to lose these friends by being passive aggressive.

Congratulations on your new job. I fo think you're being a little unreasonable. Everyone is busy with their families, work and lives that most people dont have the time to continually text throughout your job journey. I think the initial congrats was enough. I'm pretty confident that they will text you, in a weeks time to ask how your jobs going.

Thank you. Another day of not a single message, lol. I think thats what I find so upsetting... I see they are using Facebook and online on Whatsapp. Off for the Easter weekend etc, its NOT like they don't have the time to ask. :(

Sure, I understand why people think I'm being UR. But these friends are also single so its not like they have husbands/family taking up their time.

I think its just me they do not care about.

OP it may not be that they don't care but maybe they don't care as much as you do.

Maybe they are not as thoughtful and considerate as you are.

Maybe they just have other things going on.

Rather than sitting and being upset about it, decide how you will be, based on this. You can either keep making the same effort and be upset when you don't get it back or you can do less too if that would make you feel better.

I now spend very little time on friends who can't be bothered to contact me at important times or even just to ask how I am.

@starsandhearts21

Thank you. Another day of not a single message, lol. I think thats what I find so upsetting... I see they are using Facebook and online on Whatsapp. Off for the Easter weekend etc, its NOT like they don't have the time to ask. :(

Sure, I understand why people think I'm being UR. But these friends are also single so its not like they have husbands/family taking up their time.

I think its just me they do not care about.

But have you made contact with them? Have you said ‘Week one down and didn’t go too badly/nice to be back in the workplace/it was a total clusterfuck’?

Did you post the same thing after your interview OP?

I think you’re being needy, sorry

@starsandhearts21 sitting and wallowing is not helpful. Message them as Pp have said. Your last update yabvu.

Communication and friendship are both two ways - you can't sit pouting because they aren't contacting you when you aren't contacting them either.

Another day of not a single message, lol.

You are judging their friendship on the number of messages you get per day?

Thats unhealthy.

The best friendships are often the ones that you don't talk to people for a long time but when you do its like nothing has changed. They certainly aren't the ones where you are monitored for the correct response at the exact right time.

The issue isn't with the friends.

You are doing far too much navel gazing here.

Is this approach with your friends working for you OP?

Friendships do tend to get a bit crap in adulthood and you do often have to put in more to get out less. Many of us have been through this and its not a great thing to accept.

It sounds like you want your friends to handhold you without being asked but that clearly isn't happening here so you need to try and find what does work. Would starting a conversation about how you have just had an interview or just had a first week in the new job work better?

Have you contacted them!?

I'm thinking about this again this morning. And i'm actually thinking that in previous years, they would have asked? I never used to feel so let down and lonely. I feel in the past we would be in touch alot more and it would have been initiation from both sides.

For the record, it has mostly been me reaching out for the past few months so I don't see why it should be me reaching out again when it would be nice for them to think about me and ask.

Honestly, its just really upsetting me this morning. Its like I don't matter, I have no friends and people don't care anymore.

Nothing has changed from my side so theres no reason why they would be so distant.

OP please don't be offended. I have had one or two friends behave like this during covid. Some people just browse on social media but don't want to make the effort to interact with messaging right now. Once you start the job they may be more keen to hear how it is going etc. Focus on yourself right now, not other people and their actions because most people are only looking out for themselves right now.

Sorry, just saw the bit where you said you had started the job now. Give it a month or so and when restrictions have eased you have something to talk about such as the job. A week isn't long enough to get a feel of how the job is.

@starsandhearts21

I'm thinking about this again this morning. And i'm actually thinking that in previous years, they would have asked? I never used to feel so let down and lonely. I feel in the past we would be in touch alot more and it would have been initiation from both sides.

For the record, it has mostly been me reaching out for the past few months so I don't see why it should be me reaching out again when it would be nice for them to think about me and ask.

Honestly, its just really upsetting me this morning. Its like I don't matter, I have no friends and people don't care anymore.

Nothing has changed from my side so theres no reason why they would be so distant.

I honestly don’t see how you can call your friends ‘distant’ when less than two weeks ago they were enthusiastically pleased and bogged you up when you got the job!

Some people just seem to consider different baselines of communication normal. You clearly think that you’re not getting enough interaction/input from them, but they are presumably happy with the levels they have with you. If you don’t like how things are, as the dissatisfied party, it’s up to you to alter things.

Congratulations on your new job!

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable though. People have other things going on in their own lives and they may not have known your start date.

As they all messaged you saying they were pleased for you at the time you were appointed they may not have felt the need to text you on your first day. Besides, maybe they’re waiting until you’ve been in post a few weeks first.

BIGGED you up, not ‘bogged’, sorry, OP!

OP you need to lower your expectations of people or you will be endlessly disappointed.

I'm a loyal friend but I don't remember my friends' every event, and wouldn't expect them to remember mine. I'd just update them on how your week went, you don't need to wait for them to ask.

Yabu.

Congratulations on the job, but give your friends a break.

Make new friends at work.

I organised a coffee with school mums before I started a new job and so would no longer be available during the day. At least 4 mums came to the coffee shop, several years ago pre-pandemic.

None gave me a good luck card or contacted me to ask how my first day went.

The only time a mum asked was after she herself started a job.

I probably wouldn’t remember if I was honest but that doesn’t mean I didn’t care. It’s just that people are so busy and what’s important to you just isn’t all that important to them. Sorry, I know that sounds harsh but it’s something I’ve got to learn over the years when I’ve been disappointed about people not showing much of an interest. Usually it’s not personal, it’s just the other person’s life getting in the way.

I think you’re expecting a lot honestly. Everyone has such busy lives, but that really doesn’t mean they don’t care. I quite often reply to messages in my head, or think ‘ooh, I must text so and so to ask how such and such went’ and then when I’m actually sitting with my phone it goes entirely out of my head.