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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be so disappointed in friends?

117 replies

starsandhearts21 · 01/04/2021 23:23

I started a new job this week after months of unemployment having been made redundant in my previous post. So my friends knew life had been a struggle for me since then. I'm early 30s, single.

Firstly, I had to let my friends know how the interviews went, nobody asked. So I felt disappointed initially at that, particularly because I would ask knowing if the tables were turned and I knew how important it was to them. They did know about the process and when I had the interviews.

When I told them I had the job, they were all really pleased for me. They were sending me messages saying its great news and exactly the sort of thing they can see me doing, that I should be proud to have been picked as there were a lot going for the role etc.

And then this week, I started Monday. Not one of them (3 I consider close) have sent me a text or anything to ask how its going. Knowing that i've started now. I was only offered the position last week so its not like there's been a big gap since I told them I had the job.

I just feel so disappointed and its really put a dampener on what should be an exciting week. But am I right to feel my friends should have been in touch and asked how it is?

OP posts:

userxx · 02/04/2021 05:53

@starsandhearts21

Thanks for the responses. I feel better now i'm seeing it from others pov.

I think its down to the fact that it can feel quite lonely when you're single and only got friends to rely on to even ask.

I get you op, I think it's quite shitty of them to be honest.

Everyday21 · 02/04/2021 06:02

I think you're being a bit precious and expecting quite a lot.

They will have their own things going on to, tell them all about it when you see them.

silverstrawberry · 02/04/2021 06:09

The lockdown is having affect on friendships and the way we communicate these days is not the same I'm sure as when you started being friends just believe they have your best interest at heart !but also have more friends so you don't end up feeling let down ..this is what I plan to do once we are back to normal because I'm in the same boat I though they cared a lot more than a they actually do 🙃

SnuggyBuggy · 02/04/2021 06:13

OP do you struggle with your confidence? It sounds like you expect your friends to do a lot of hand holding, it would be lovely if they remembered the exact dates of everything going on in your life but it's not realistic. As people have said responding to topics brought up such as interviews and first days is what most people do. If your self-esteem was better this might be easier for you.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 02/04/2021 06:31

Congratulations, but honestly - if you were my friend - you'd have to understand I've got kids, a house, a full time job and hopefully, a life of my own going on in there somewhere

Disagree with this. It's takes no time to send a text. So what if you have kids and a house. Whatever happened to 'be kind'?

I'd be disappointed op, I don't think you are being needy. It's basic common decency. Me abs my friends all text each other about important matters. Some have kids/jobs/caring responsibilities etc but still manage it.

MaMaD1990 · 02/04/2021 06:36

I do get where you're coming from OP. I. A bit like you and am quite sensitive to things like this sometimes. I recently had a similar experience and just was open and honest with how I felt and my friends understood and were glad I'd said something. If it were me, I'd say something like "Anyone going to ask me how my first week went?!" With a little party emoji so it's not aggressive. Some people just don't think and prioritise differently. I've accidentally forgotten a good friends big birthday before and sent her a huge bunch of flowers 2 weeks later to say happy birthday and sorry - it happens to everyone, but I know it doesn't feel nice!

blubberball · 02/04/2021 06:45

Congratulations on your new job!

I honestly can't be arsed with worrying about things like this. My birthday is a non event or whatever, I don't expect people to text me about my life. So long as you can have a two way balanced conversation when you do catch up, then it's all good.

Replays · 02/04/2021 06:48

Congrats on the new job OP!

I'm going slightly against the grain here - if you were my close friend I would've done all the things you said. I have in fact done so recently.

But I've found myself become generally more apathetic over this past year, homeschooling and working FT and the loss of a close family member has really taken its toll. Close friendships sadly have been pushed further and further down the priority list as the year has gone on.

billybagpuss · 02/04/2021 07:01

Try and meet up with them in a covidly distanced garden this weekend. I love my friends more than anything, but conversations about a new job would happen over a drink, not over text.

Hope your first week went well.

NinthCircle · 02/04/2021 07:03

@NeilBuchananisBanksy

Congratulations, but honestly - if you were my friend - you'd have to understand I've got kids, a house, a full time job and hopefully, a life of my own going on in there somewhere

Disagree with this. It's takes no time to send a text. So what if you have kids and a house. Whatever happened to 'be kind'?

I assume the point was not that they didn’t have time, or that they wouldn’t have messaged if the OP had posted ‘First day - wish me luck!’ but that they have so much going on that they’re not going to necessarily have the headspace to remember the date of someone else’s interview without a reminder.

If the OP wants volleys of supportive texts, and she clearly does, she is going to have to remind her friends of what’s going on, and stop regarding whether or not they remember her events unprompted as tests of friendship.

SnuggyBuggy · 02/04/2021 07:05

Surely very few people are going to write on the calender or set reminders for all their friends interviews or start dates at work so they remember to send nice texts? Most people have enough going on in their own lives to remember this level of detail about a friends life?

User179335678 · 02/04/2021 07:14

Why do you put so much dependance on your friends? Why do their reactions dictate your happiness? I don’t mean that horribly. You should just be happy that you are no longer unemployed and can move forward with life after so much uncertainty.

I can understand feeling a bit miffed but to feel as upset as your post makes out is a bit much.

userxx · 02/04/2021 07:14

@NeilBuchananisBanksy Totally agree. I'm surprised some of the people on this thread have friends, they sound very self absorbed, it's all about me me me.

pictish · 02/04/2021 07:18

@WishingHopingThinkingPraying

I'll be honest, I think it's only a mum and maybe a sister who would be so invested in this. They've congratulated you, shown they are pleased for you, it sounds like they are decent friends. Please remember people have a lot going on. I think you should chill and just be proud of yourself. You don't need everyone marking every moment of it for it to mean something.

Yes I agree with this.

I probably wouldn’t chase up a friend to see how their new job was going in the first week. In fact, last August I secured a promotion I’d been after for ages and a few of my close friends who I haven’t seen in person for a year, don’t even know what I’m working as now. I’ll tell them when I see them. I’m sure they’ll be pleased for me.

I dunno...it’s not one of those things I would contact a friend over. No reason not to...I just don’t.

swiftt · 02/04/2021 07:23

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. I would expect my close friends to ask how my new job had went. But I guess it depends on your friendships and how they normally are. I’m late 20s, my friends are single with no kids etc and so we chat on a daily basis about pretty much everything, so it would be very odd to me if they didn’t ask. Hope the new job is going well OP.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/04/2021 07:34

I can understand that you're feeling a bit lonely and after a bit more emotional support, but I also feel that you are a bit demanding on this front.

It's HIGHLY unlikely that anything other than it slipped your friends' minds is what happened - I'm sure they'd be upset to think that they had upset YOU by not prioritising you in their lives.

But YABU to expect them to prioritise you in that way. Even if you would have done all of your suggestions for them, that doesn't follow that they have the same thought processes as you do.

I have a friend who is lovely, bends over backwards for everyone she knows, will help anyone BUT she expects the same in return and woe betide anyone who doesn't conform! The second she feels like she's not equally valued in return, it's death to "the friendship". This is not a healthy way to be, IMO. You have to be able to see that other people have other priorities and ideas of what is important in a relationship of any kind.

Well done on getting the job and getting through your first few days!

Fairyliz · 02/04/2021 07:44

@starsandhearts21

Thanks for the responses. I feel better now i'm seeing it from others pov.

I think its down to the fact that it can feel quite lonely when you're single and only got friends to rely on to even ask.

So it’s not about the job or your friendships but the fact that you would like a partner? Is there anything you can do about this, dating sites?

Mylovelyhorsee · 02/04/2021 07:53

Congratulations op. You’re friends have their own lives to live. They were happy and supportive when you told them. What more can you ask? I think being “so disappointed” is overkill.

As pp has said I think this is more about you wanting a partner.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 02/04/2021 08:00

Congratulations on the new job, I really hope you are happy and fulfilled in it! I am sorry you are lonely, it's particularly difficult under lockdown circumstances, I feel for you. I hope you can make new friends in your workplace, anyway. Good luck!

CakesOfVersailles · 02/04/2021 08:01

btw OP your friends not asking about the interviews might have been them trying to be kind. If it is going badly it is awkward to be asked and sometimes people don't like to be reminded by the stress. I never ask friends how interviews went in case the answer is not good and they don't want to talk about it, I definitely wouldn't put them on the spot in a group chat!

Anyway, congratulations on your new job

I hope it is going well

Againstmachine · 02/04/2021 08:06

Its exciting for you, but it's not exciting for them, they have congratulated you that's all I would expect.

Deathraystare · 02/04/2021 08:11

Well congrats on your job. How is it going?

You are NOT being precious. It is just that everyone has become involved with their own stuff and we are 'shut away'. I try as much as possible to keep in touch with my friends as I really value their friendship. I like to think I would have asked how their job was going..

DianaT1969 · 02/04/2021 08:12

Yes, it sounds as if you miss having a partner. Are you being proactive about meeting someone?

AlohaMolly · 02/04/2021 08:13

I agree with PP who say everyone is busy surviving at the moment. Do your friends know you’re struggling? As in have you actually said hey, I’m struggling instead of assuming they know because of the circumstances? I know that I made a real effort to message my single friend throughout the pandemic specifically because she said she was struggling badly with loneliness. I’ve tailed off a bit recently as she’s got a new boyfriend.

I would also be more inclined to remember things like x started a new job this week over the weekend as the week is busy with school run/work/jobs etc.

EclaireTree · 02/04/2021 08:15

Your expectations are too high. I may remember to congratulate a friend on a new role, but I don’t have time to track their interview progress or mark someone’s start date. That’s a level of interest you might expect from a parent.

Well done on getting a new role though

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