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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask what you would do regarding wedding & baby?

111 replies

woefulweddingplans · 01/04/2021 15:25

It's long, sorry.
It's a wedding/house/baby conundrum.

Very recently found out I'm pregnant, only about 5 weeks. We are overjoyed, it happened very quickly which we never expected as my fertility was meant to be impacted by health issues. I have one DD from a previous relationship. DP is older and we are so excited to be having a child.

DP and I planned to get married this year. We weren't actually engaged, our plan was just to elope in winter as my DD will be with her dad abroad over Christmas. However things have changed and new baby is due early December. We want to get married before this.

DP has officially proposed now - aka he's bought me a ring and we've told people. Everyone is very excited. No one knows about the pregnancy yet.

Now the issues are:-

We're saving like mad and we will be able to afford to move and buy a house in Spring 2022 - our current house is a tiny rental and it's a squash even now, we really need to move next Spring, that is non-negotiable. Once I'm on mat leave then paying nursery fees we won't be able to save and we'd be stuck here years. Basically, finances are tight due to saving so a big wedding isn't an option for us.

The biggest issue really: my parents are seperated, as are DP's. DP hasn't spoken to his dad in over 3 years, we've never met, he would invite his dad to our wedding, but not his stepmum as she apparently is not nice. He gets on well with his mum, her partner, and then he has a sister and brother, who both have partners and kids of their own. DPs parents don't get along but can tolerate each other. My DM lives with my grandma. I also have a sister I'm very close to, who currently lives abroad but is returning this summer. We're all very close. Bit different with my DF, DF remarried and has his wife and their 4 children. I get along with them but we do have our fair share of disagreements. Don't see them that often as they live 4 hours away in central London. DF and DM haven't spoken since their divorce and hate each other.

Friends have already started asking 'when's the wedding' 'better get your venue sorted' - I went to two of their weddings last year so I think they are expecting to be asked. I love my friends and colleagues and would like, in an ideal world, to have everyone around me.

I want to get married before I'm hugely pregnant, so before September/October time really.

Then there's all the Covid issues on top to consider.

The maximum we could spend on a wedding would be about £3k unless some other money miraculously appears.

What would you do? What are my options here?

In my head, I just want to elope, spend minimal money and save the rest for baby and house. I don't feel like I can deal with DPs parents and my parents arguing on the day. However if we elope, DM and grandma will be absolutely devastated and have voiced this! I think I'd regret not having my grandma there as we're really close. My friends will be gutted. DPs family will be gutted.

I'm so torn and stressed about it. I'm constantly being badgered by my family with what we're doing for our wedding and I have no idea.

Please help!

YABU - stop stressing just elope and do what you want
YANBU - your family & friends should be there

OP posts:
neverenoughchelseaboots · 01/04/2021 15:30

If I was you I'd go to a registry office with just DD and get married. It's not for anybody but you and you want a marriage not a wedding by the sounds of it.

There's far too many relatives to draw the line IMO, easier to have none.

Huge congratulations on baby. Thanks

jessstan2 · 01/04/2021 15:31

Just go and get married quietly. You can have a party later if you want.

skeggycaggy · 01/04/2021 15:34

Just go the registry office with your DD, DP and 2 witnesses.

Promise everyone a party next year sometime.

BoozeBegone · 01/04/2021 15:34

Id do registry office then family/friends to either someone generous' large garden for reception with a BYOB understanding and some food you either make yourself or pay for from local venues (don't mention a wedding)!
OR hire somewhere modest and cheap.
But that's me. I'm skilled at budgeting and I'd want my family and friends there.
Id not get involved in family dynamics as much as is possible, invite people and they either come or they do not.

notdaddycool · 01/04/2021 15:42

Registry office, say there will be a party when you can drink again.

Easterbunnyishoppingmad · 01/04/2021 15:44

Once your dm and dgm know there is a dc on the way they will excuse you for your secret wedding plans I am sure!!

Whitney168 · 01/04/2021 15:47

Just do it quickly at a registry office, Covid gives you the perfect excuse - tell them you didn't want to plan anything at the moment as everything still so unstable, but wanted to be sorted before baby came. Promise them a party later (which may or may not materialise) and get on with your lives with some extra money in the bank.

I bet there are loads of couples who are loving the excuse to spend minimal money and make better use of it towards e.g. house deposit, instead of blowing thousands on just one day.

CMOTDibbler · 01/04/2021 15:52

Book a registry office now, and if they can fit you in, do it while numbers are really restricted. Then you can tell everyone that with the pregnancy you just wanted to be married ASAP and of course they couldn't be there because Boris says so, not your fault at all...

Moomin12345 · 01/04/2021 15:58

You can make your friends happy by blowing all your money on a wedding and spend years in a tiny miserable flat. Who's more important, your children or your friends?

merryhouse · 01/04/2021 15:59

Well, if your mum kicks off you could tell her it's partly her fault Grin

If you're having an Actual Party Wedding you can't invite a man without his wife, so it's step-parents or no parents I'm afraid.

SuperSange · 01/04/2021 16:00

It's not about what everyone else wants; they're not paying for it. We eloped, some people were pissed off, but again, they weren't paying for it. They all came around after a month or two. Stop worrying about other poeple; it's you two who need to decide. x

wishywashywoowoo70 · 01/04/2021 16:01

I'd do it ASAP at register office and only invite immediate family and blame COVID

That 3k could do a lot in a new home

Sally872 · 01/04/2021 16:01

Friends are excited for you and would likely love to come, but also completely understand the rational of having a small wedding and save themselves the expense of wedding outfit/gift/ accommodation.

Next time it comes up say "you're right I do need to think about venues. We are hoping to get married soon, and keeping it really small as priority is buying a house asap. Do you know of anywhere?"

This will manage friends expectations, and help you stop stressing about it. Your friends will want the best for you, they won't mind.

Buckingafout · 01/04/2021 16:02

Agree registry office.

ImAlrightThanx · 01/04/2021 16:03

I'd do a registry office, quickly, and maybe mumble about having a wedding party when restrictions lift (but never actually do!)

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/04/2021 16:05

In your situation, registry office.

Text or call yours and his parents "this is the date, let us know if we should expect you at the registry office, we wont be having a reception afterwards but you are all welcome to come raise a glass in our garden for a bit after x"

amylou8 · 01/04/2021 16:05

Registry office, don't tell anyone, blame covid.

TheDogsMother · 01/04/2021 16:06

Covid is a perfect excuse to have a small register office wedding in the next couple of months. Could you have a party in the garden after with a reasonably priced caterer and get people to bring drinks ?

Kaleidoscopecascade · 01/04/2021 16:07

Book a registry office and book a party once restrictions are eased and your not pregnant.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/04/2021 16:08

You could always book it for just after your 12 week scan, then as everyone's raising a glass tell them why yours isn't alcoholic? Baby news will soften any blow they feel at you not having a "big" wedding.

MichelleScarn · 01/04/2021 16:08

That £3k could be moving costs and stuff to make your house lovely, agree registry office and a nice gathering outside, those with objections can foot the bill for a bigger party.
Someone will always be annoyed at you for your wedding choices!

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 01/04/2021 16:09

You'll never please everyone so just please yourselves. Good luck with everything and congratulations on the baby

CrotchetyQuaver · 01/04/2021 16:10

Get down the registry office. I'd like to think your families would understand since saving to buy a house is the big priority at the moment. You can have a great housewarming/reception once you're in.

Springsnake · 01/04/2021 16:11

My wedding dress cost £10 ...we got married in a registry office ,had a drink in the pub after .don’t think we spent more than £500 all together.
That’s all we could afford.
You could do similar
Hire a hall ,and ask everyone to bring a dish of food ,just have a register office ..
It’s as cheep or as expensive as you want it to be

Titterofwit · 01/04/2021 16:13

Weddings can be a lovely joyful day but for a lot of people they are stressful things-buying clothes ,gifts, paying for accommodation, meeting other people.
Its a kindness to go off and do the necessary - whether elope or slope off to town-and have a lovely party where you invite everyone you would have invited to the wedding and make the wedding and baby announcement then.
Or of course you could blow your savings so that your friends can have a meal and a dance and you can reflect on the joy of that for the next few years.

BTW - I eloped and it was the best thing for us.

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