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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask what you would do regarding wedding & baby?

111 replies

woefulweddingplans · 01/04/2021 15:25

It's long, sorry.
It's a wedding/house/baby conundrum.

Very recently found out I'm pregnant, only about 5 weeks. We are overjoyed, it happened very quickly which we never expected as my fertility was meant to be impacted by health issues. I have one DD from a previous relationship. DP is older and we are so excited to be having a child.

DP and I planned to get married this year. We weren't actually engaged, our plan was just to elope in winter as my DD will be with her dad abroad over Christmas. However things have changed and new baby is due early December. We want to get married before this.

DP has officially proposed now - aka he's bought me a ring and we've told people. Everyone is very excited. No one knows about the pregnancy yet.

Now the issues are:-

We're saving like mad and we will be able to afford to move and buy a house in Spring 2022 - our current house is a tiny rental and it's a squash even now, we really need to move next Spring, that is non-negotiable. Once I'm on mat leave then paying nursery fees we won't be able to save and we'd be stuck here years. Basically, finances are tight due to saving so a big wedding isn't an option for us.

The biggest issue really: my parents are seperated, as are DP's. DP hasn't spoken to his dad in over 3 years, we've never met, he would invite his dad to our wedding, but not his stepmum as she apparently is not nice. He gets on well with his mum, her partner, and then he has a sister and brother, who both have partners and kids of their own. DPs parents don't get along but can tolerate each other. My DM lives with my grandma. I also have a sister I'm very close to, who currently lives abroad but is returning this summer. We're all very close. Bit different with my DF, DF remarried and has his wife and their 4 children. I get along with them but we do have our fair share of disagreements. Don't see them that often as they live 4 hours away in central London. DF and DM haven't spoken since their divorce and hate each other.

Friends have already started asking 'when's the wedding' 'better get your venue sorted' - I went to two of their weddings last year so I think they are expecting to be asked. I love my friends and colleagues and would like, in an ideal world, to have everyone around me.

I want to get married before I'm hugely pregnant, so before September/October time really.

Then there's all the Covid issues on top to consider.

The maximum we could spend on a wedding would be about £3k unless some other money miraculously appears.

What would you do? What are my options here?

In my head, I just want to elope, spend minimal money and save the rest for baby and house. I don't feel like I can deal with DPs parents and my parents arguing on the day. However if we elope, DM and grandma will be absolutely devastated and have voiced this! I think I'd regret not having my grandma there as we're really close. My friends will be gutted. DPs family will be gutted.

I'm so torn and stressed about it. I'm constantly being badgered by my family with what we're doing for our wedding and I have no idea.

Please help!

YABU - stop stressing just elope and do what you want
YANBU - your family & friends should be there

OP posts:
ClearButtons · 01/04/2021 18:43

I'd get married in a registry office to get it done legally soon and not tell anyone. Invite two random people as witnesses. Then have another 'wedding' when you can have the numbers and have the money. Let's be honest - most people are there for the celebration element of it, no one much cares about seeing you actually sign the legal papers!!

snowone · 01/04/2021 18:50

I would get a registry office wedding booked and just do it on the quiet. It depends if it is a "wedding" you want or whether you just want to get married as there is definitely a difference.

TillyTopper · 01/04/2021 19:02

Go to the registry office and get married. Live happily ever after. There will be some sniping from someone that wanted a new hat, but nevermind.

Ednadidit · 01/04/2021 19:15

The best part of marrying during COVID was the money saving and, a year on, I’m not at all bothered that we didn’t have a ‘normal’ wedding. Got a new car and could afford to get on with baby making 🤷🏻‍♀️

Do what makes you both happy, OP.

ginnybag · 01/04/2021 19:18

Best wedding I've been to was my cousins.

She got married at the Reg office with just their parents, then hired a hall, a band and spent the money on local ales, ciders, wine and loads of soft drinks, gave everybody a glass engraved with their wedding date and got three local takeaways to bring in a load of food.

Kids had a side room with boxes of lego

It was truly great fun. No stress, no fuss just a good party, and no major drama about numbers for 75 a head meals.

Honeyroar · 01/04/2021 19:28

You’ve got the perfect excuses at the moment with Covid and the pregnancy. So have the tiny wedding with yourselves and then mutter that you might have a christening/celebration later on when things settle down. Just tell everyone you want to be married more than you want a wedding!

camsue · 01/04/2021 19:32

We eloped. Booked it, then got pregnant. Those that would have disapproved of the elopement were just pleased we'd be married before babe arrived.

Honeyroar · 01/04/2021 19:36

And if your mother kicks off be very blunt and say the fact that her and your father can’t act like adults around each other is one of the main reasons why you don’t want a big wedding.

noctu · 01/04/2021 19:44

If you elope, your DM and grandma will get over it.
If you have a stress filled wedding and all the planning and (from what you've said - likely) family arguments that go with it, you won't get over it so quickly.

Throckmorton · 01/04/2021 19:47

Register Office with you grandma and a random other as witnesses. No parents as they can't be trusted not to argue. Big party at some future point when Covid allows (Covid being an excuse to delay the party :) ). Congratulations!

SpiderinaWingMirror · 01/04/2021 19:47

Your friends will not be gutted for more than 5 mins.
Registry office. Mum and grandma as witnesses.

Rumplestrumpet · 01/04/2021 20:25

You have to do what's right for you. My best friend and I did very different things, both were right -

I had TWO big weddings, one here and one back in my country as we just couldn't mix our two families without huge stress and mess, religious clashing, etc. I loved each day and am so glad we did it that way. We celebrated with over 200 people in total and spent about £7,000.

My best friend got married last week with just her husband and two witnesses. Part of me is gutted I couldn't be a part of her special day but I totally understand why she did it that way, and Covid provided a perfect excuse for the kind of wedding she would have wanted anyway.

Sounds like the best thing to do would be to cut out all the crap and focus on your small family - including your daughter. This is a great opportunity to make a fuss of her and emphasise that the three of you are a family together (soon to be four)

Congratulations and good luck

Rainbowqueeen · 01/04/2021 20:35

Registry office with grandma

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/04/2021 20:57

When would you announce the pregnancy? A photo of your wedding ringed hand holding a scan photo would be a fun way of sharing the news. A vague suggestion of a party post covid/for anniversary/for a christening/baby’s first birthday night placate people.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 01/04/2021 20:59

Your wedding, your day, your rules.

We're eloping in summer, literally just the 2 of us with our 2 children. No guests no fuss. The hotel we've booked offer elopement packages. We can have, and pay extra for, some guests if we want but we've decided not to as we faced the 'if we invite them, do we have to invite them'? dilemma.

The hotel offers staff as witnesses should you require it so we've gone for that option.

Lubiluxe · 01/04/2021 21:08

You can't invite your mum but not his mum etc... etc...
In your shoes I'd either elope or do a registry office with your immediate family. Surely they won't argue on your wedding day?

ZenNudist · 01/04/2021 21:18

Just you, dh and dd is great. If you must stretch its dm, dgm and MIL only. That's it. Don't feel guilty. Then have a champagne toast / flask if tea foe gran in a nearby park. Then head home for a special meal with the 3 of you. Maybe get a fancy restaurant meal ordered in. Blame covid and count the savings.

SlipperyLizard · 01/04/2021 21:24

We got married in a registry office then had an evening party in the local rugby club, with a band (the right band is much better than a DJ I think). We made our own food but you could just skip food as long as you make it clear there won’t be any. We had wine on the tables but otherwise a paid bar (but it was cheap). Made our own cake which was pudding.

It was fantastic, best party ever and well within your budget - couple of hundred for the venue, 1500-2000 for a great band.

Too many people spend a fortune for an event that can never live up to the expenditure, all in the name of what’s “expected”.

Darbs76 · 01/04/2021 21:30

Just go with your DD and mum and grandma and explain due to the pregnancy you wanted a small wedding. I’m sure friends will understand that you’d rather use that money towards a house.

PandaFluff · 01/04/2021 21:39

Blame covid and just have who you want :)

MimiSunshine · 01/04/2021 21:45

Just elope with your daughter when you’re ready to announce your pregnancy. You’d need official witnesses but ask the register office to sort that for you.

Invite everyone to a nearby pub afterwards but don’t tell them they’re all invited. Walk
I’m and tell them you got married YEY. And guess what you’re going to have a baby too DOUBLE YEY.

If any parent starts with the ‘i can’t believe you got married without telling us’ just keep replying with “I know, but you’re going to be a grandma / grandad”

MeltsAway · 01/04/2021 21:45

You could have a really big party for £2k. Does someone in your family have a nice big garden? Or hire a community hall nearby.

Registry office with 2 witnesses. Get an off the peg pretty dress (or have one made), don’t worry about guff like flowers, buffet lunch, lots of nice wine from Aldi or the like. Scout glasses from charity shops.

And so on.

You could have lovely party.

MimiSunshine · 01/04/2021 21:46

Oh and don’t worry about your friends. Yes they’re excited for you but unless you only don’t invite one or two. Then they won’t actually mind missing out

cochineal7 · 01/04/2021 21:47

Just the two of you. Blame covid if you need to.

SkittlesRainbow · 01/04/2021 21:50

It sounds so complicated for you. I hope you do manage to elope and do it your way and own it! You won't regret it. Your real friends will understand. I have had many friends choose to do it this way and it hasn't bothered me in the slightest! Good luck lovely.

If it's any help I know what you are going through. 16 weeks pregnant with my second when we got married. Had a smaller wedding but a party later to 'make up for it'. Loved the wedding and hated the consolation party! Also we had a tiny two bed house and couldn't find more than a cot in the second room. We all loved on top of each other for a year or so before moving to an amazing house. It all worked out fine in the end!