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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask what you would do regarding wedding & baby?

111 replies

woefulweddingplans · 01/04/2021 15:25

It's long, sorry.
It's a wedding/house/baby conundrum.

Very recently found out I'm pregnant, only about 5 weeks. We are overjoyed, it happened very quickly which we never expected as my fertility was meant to be impacted by health issues. I have one DD from a previous relationship. DP is older and we are so excited to be having a child.

DP and I planned to get married this year. We weren't actually engaged, our plan was just to elope in winter as my DD will be with her dad abroad over Christmas. However things have changed and new baby is due early December. We want to get married before this.

DP has officially proposed now - aka he's bought me a ring and we've told people. Everyone is very excited. No one knows about the pregnancy yet.

Now the issues are:-

We're saving like mad and we will be able to afford to move and buy a house in Spring 2022 - our current house is a tiny rental and it's a squash even now, we really need to move next Spring, that is non-negotiable. Once I'm on mat leave then paying nursery fees we won't be able to save and we'd be stuck here years. Basically, finances are tight due to saving so a big wedding isn't an option for us.

The biggest issue really: my parents are seperated, as are DP's. DP hasn't spoken to his dad in over 3 years, we've never met, he would invite his dad to our wedding, but not his stepmum as she apparently is not nice. He gets on well with his mum, her partner, and then he has a sister and brother, who both have partners and kids of their own. DPs parents don't get along but can tolerate each other. My DM lives with my grandma. I also have a sister I'm very close to, who currently lives abroad but is returning this summer. We're all very close. Bit different with my DF, DF remarried and has his wife and their 4 children. I get along with them but we do have our fair share of disagreements. Don't see them that often as they live 4 hours away in central London. DF and DM haven't spoken since their divorce and hate each other.

Friends have already started asking 'when's the wedding' 'better get your venue sorted' - I went to two of their weddings last year so I think they are expecting to be asked. I love my friends and colleagues and would like, in an ideal world, to have everyone around me.

I want to get married before I'm hugely pregnant, so before September/October time really.

Then there's all the Covid issues on top to consider.

The maximum we could spend on a wedding would be about £3k unless some other money miraculously appears.

What would you do? What are my options here?

In my head, I just want to elope, spend minimal money and save the rest for baby and house. I don't feel like I can deal with DPs parents and my parents arguing on the day. However if we elope, DM and grandma will be absolutely devastated and have voiced this! I think I'd regret not having my grandma there as we're really close. My friends will be gutted. DPs family will be gutted.

I'm so torn and stressed about it. I'm constantly being badgered by my family with what we're doing for our wedding and I have no idea.

Please help!

YABU - stop stressing just elope and do what you want
YANBU - your family & friends should be there

OP posts:
Rukaya · 01/04/2021 16:15

Get married quietly with your DD there, and tell them but then give them the baby news straight after, you'll totally get away with it.

Or do what my sister did, get married and tell no-one for 6 years!

Exhausted4ever · 01/04/2021 16:16

It's literally a day, in what other situation would you be willing to shell out 3k for and have all the stress and worry about so and so not liking so and so. You want to be married right? So get married. Don't worry about a "wedding"

Latenightreader · 01/04/2021 16:16

A friend got married a few years ago and at the start of the ceremony the celebrant announced that it was actually their anniversary as they had married in secret X years before. No one, not even their parents knew, as they had pulled a couple of witnesses off the street! They renewed their vows and had a big party. No idea what family thought, but most of us thought it was great and very them.

I’ve been to a couple of weddings which were really a party and the actual marriage had taken place days or weeks before. If it was my parent or child I’d be a little sad not to be invited, but there is nothing wrong with an immediate family only registry office wedding, party at a later date. You could combine it with a housewarming!

Toilenstripes · 01/04/2021 16:19

Registry office with mum and gran ASAP, have a party later.

ClarkeGriffin · 01/04/2021 16:20

Stop stressing and get yourselves to a registry office ASAP. House is more important.

CordeliaCurtains · 01/04/2021 16:22

I'd have a quiet wedding and save the money. My friend did this recently and then spend a load doing up her garden ☺️

firstimemamma · 01/04/2021 16:22

We are spending a little over 2k on our wedding. Registry office, nice photos then a restaurant meal, fewer than 20 guests.

User0ne · 01/04/2021 16:23

Just book the registry office, do it with your dd and 2 witnesses.

Then if you want a party afterwards have it at home -reduces numbers and costs.

Anyone worth their salt will be fine with it when/if they know you're trying to buy a house and are pregnant.

Cost wise me and DH did something similar 6 years ago and it cost us about £700 all in for 35 people

Alsohuman · 01/04/2021 16:23

I’d do the registry office with my mum and grandma and swear them both to secrecy. Or, of course, they could pay for a bigger wedding.

FeistySheep · 01/04/2021 16:24

Have you got a relative who would lend you their garden? Have a really basic garden party with the minimal amount of guests you can manage. You could either ask everyone to bring a plate of food to share (instead of gift) or you could just do cold picnic food so it can be made the day before. Rope your friends and family in since they're so desperate for a wedding! It is more work than hiring a caterer, but much much much cheaper.

If covid is still an issue, sort people into household groups, give each a picnic blanket and a basket of food.

If no garden suitable, organise it in a public green space and everyone brings their own picnic, or you pre-prepare the food baskets and they all help carry them from the wedding venue to the green space. You might need a couple of garden furniture type chairs for any really old people, but most can sit on the floor for long enough to eat a picnic. You can do outdoor games if appropriate.

It's not the big wedding they might be imagining, but an excellent compromise and should be really really fun. Unless you live in the NW like me and you have a 70% chance of rain and midges in summer Grin

Pythonesque · 01/04/2021 16:24

I went to a lovely wedding once that was in grandparent's garden, marquees bought on ebay then resold (cheaper than hiring!), multiple friends brought dishes for a free-form buffet, and IIRC a few teenagers delegated to be in charge of the children's area!

IF your friends are the sort that would enjoy arranging something "cheap and cheerful", then I'd consider that.

If a church wedding means something to you, don't rule it out but view it the same as a registry one, keep it small and simple. Maybe mid week even. The vows are between you and your partner, in front of witnesses. The marriage is for ever after. The party is to celebrate with people who mean something to you. Those components can be separated, especially in current times!

Best wishes with both the pregnancy and the house hunting, in due course!

Original poster
woefulweddingplans · 01/04/2021 16:26

Thanks everyone for your input.

I'm totally happy to do a registery office wedding. More than happy, it'd be ideal!

The issue is the parents. Do I invite them? Knowing my parents are about 10 seconds away from a huge fight and DPs parents both dislike each other?

Whatever we do, big or tiny, I'd want the room to be full of love. If it was DP and me and DD, it would be. Or if it was a bigger wedding, I feel it'd be less notable that our parents hate each other as there's more faces and noise there. But a wedding with close family only would be exactly 20 people, which is lovely, but none of them like each other! Last time my DM and DF saw each other was another family wedding (cousin) they had an enormous argument and DF stormed out Sad

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 01/04/2021 16:28

100% registry office. I have family members who did this, no fuss, no need for a party at any stage. You'll be married and that's it. To hell with anyone who has a moan about it. You have far more important things to spend your money on. Added to that you won't have the stress of family members annoying you about who is and who isn't invited.

waitingpatientlyforspring · 01/04/2021 16:28

I think Covid is your friend here. Quick registry office wedding either with or without your mums as witnesses. Don't get involved in family politics, numbers are limited right now so that would make it yo difficult to pick.

I would do it ready for 12 weeks scan (or whenever you plan to announce your pregnancy) so that you can announce both at once and just say that due to covid and pregnancy you just wanted to get it done.

SplendidSuns1000 · 01/04/2021 16:29

I went to the registry office with DH and 2 friends and had tea and cake in a cafe after and it was better than I could've imagined.

Have a celebration with more friends and family when baby arrives- in your new house. Much less pressure on you for it to be perfect and you get to be married before baby but have something to celebrate after.

Good luck with it all!

RickiTarr · 01/04/2021 16:29

The biggest issue really: my parents are seperated, as are DP's. DP hasn't spoken to his dad in over 3 years, we've never met, he would invite his dad to our wedding, but not his stepmum as she apparently is not nice.

You can’t do that - can’t invite one half of a couple. I do know why you might want to.

The whole thing sounds complicated.

Just elope, but do it it in summer or October half term. I wish I had.

Dishwashersaurous · 01/04/2021 16:30

Book it really quickly- basically next available date. And then rule of six. You can’t have all parents. Thus really small

altlife · 01/04/2021 16:30

Do it the way you want. This is a day you are going to remember and you don't want to be filled with regret when you do. It's your day, you don't have to do anything to please others

Once you're married and settled, maybe you could have a house-warming / wedding reception?

PurpleFlower1983 · 01/04/2021 16:31

Hey married quietly and have an evening party for everyone later/next year when things are more normal.

Notaroadrunner · 01/04/2021 16:31

@woefulweddingplans

Thanks everyone for your input.

I'm totally happy to do a registery office wedding. More than happy, it'd be ideal!

The issue is the parents. Do I invite them? Knowing my parents are about 10 seconds away from a huge fight and DPs parents both dislike each other?

Whatever we do, big or tiny, I'd want the room to be full of love. If it was DP and me and DD, it would be. Or if it was a bigger wedding, I feel it'd be less notable that our parents hate each other as there's more faces and noise there. But a wedding with close family only would be exactly 20 people, which is lovely, but none of them like each other! Last time my DM and DF saw each other was another family wedding (cousin) they had an enormous argument and DF stormed out Sad

I wouldn't invite anyone. You don't need the stress. If anyone does complain then point out that it couldn't have been the day you wished for as they would have inevitably caused you and your dp unnecessary stress in the lead up to, and on the day. I'd have yourself, dp and your dd and see if the registry office can advise on getting 2 witnesses. If you ask any friends or family to be witnesses, then that will be another reason for others to kick off. Keep it simple and you will have a fabulous day.
RickiTarr · 01/04/2021 16:31

The issue is the parents. Do I invite them? Knowing my parents are about 10 seconds away from a huge fight and DPs parents both dislike each other?

PP’s suggestion of “no guests just the two mums as witnesses” works really well, because both dads are listed on the marriage certificate whatever happens. By mums attending as witnesses you end up with all four patents named on the certificate, and that’s how you explain your choice. Wink

Beautiful3 · 01/04/2021 16:31

Registry office.

Knittedfairies · 01/04/2021 16:32

Have your registery office wedding with your daughter, and don't invite the Warring Relations to that part of your celebration; have the party later, or even parties so you can divide and conquer the Warring Relations.
Have a lovely day, whatever you decide.

moochingtothepub · 01/04/2021 16:38

I would book a registry office and find a nearby pub or restaurant with a function room for a celebration - buffet and drinks, low key to keep cost down, or book a table at you favourite restaurant. As far as parents, invite them, and inform them you have invited their ex, up to them if they are going to be so petty as to not come

NoGoodPunsLeft · 01/04/2021 16:38

Agree with everyone else, registry office with just you two and DD and have a housewarming/wedding celebration next year.

If .You don't invite anyone no one can complain that Doris was invited but Joan wasn't or whatever

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