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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask what you would do regarding wedding & baby?

111 replies

woefulweddingplans · 01/04/2021 15:25

It's long, sorry.
It's a wedding/house/baby conundrum.

Very recently found out I'm pregnant, only about 5 weeks. We are overjoyed, it happened very quickly which we never expected as my fertility was meant to be impacted by health issues. I have one DD from a previous relationship. DP is older and we are so excited to be having a child.

DP and I planned to get married this year. We weren't actually engaged, our plan was just to elope in winter as my DD will be with her dad abroad over Christmas. However things have changed and new baby is due early December. We want to get married before this.

DP has officially proposed now - aka he's bought me a ring and we've told people. Everyone is very excited. No one knows about the pregnancy yet.

Now the issues are:-

We're saving like mad and we will be able to afford to move and buy a house in Spring 2022 - our current house is a tiny rental and it's a squash even now, we really need to move next Spring, that is non-negotiable. Once I'm on mat leave then paying nursery fees we won't be able to save and we'd be stuck here years. Basically, finances are tight due to saving so a big wedding isn't an option for us.

The biggest issue really: my parents are seperated, as are DP's. DP hasn't spoken to his dad in over 3 years, we've never met, he would invite his dad to our wedding, but not his stepmum as she apparently is not nice. He gets on well with his mum, her partner, and then he has a sister and brother, who both have partners and kids of their own. DPs parents don't get along but can tolerate each other. My DM lives with my grandma. I also have a sister I'm very close to, who currently lives abroad but is returning this summer. We're all very close. Bit different with my DF, DF remarried and has his wife and their 4 children. I get along with them but we do have our fair share of disagreements. Don't see them that often as they live 4 hours away in central London. DF and DM haven't spoken since their divorce and hate each other.

Friends have already started asking 'when's the wedding' 'better get your venue sorted' - I went to two of their weddings last year so I think they are expecting to be asked. I love my friends and colleagues and would like, in an ideal world, to have everyone around me.

I want to get married before I'm hugely pregnant, so before September/October time really.

Then there's all the Covid issues on top to consider.

The maximum we could spend on a wedding would be about £3k unless some other money miraculously appears.

What would you do? What are my options here?

In my head, I just want to elope, spend minimal money and save the rest for baby and house. I don't feel like I can deal with DPs parents and my parents arguing on the day. However if we elope, DM and grandma will be absolutely devastated and have voiced this! I think I'd regret not having my grandma there as we're really close. My friends will be gutted. DPs family will be gutted.

I'm so torn and stressed about it. I'm constantly being badgered by my family with what we're doing for our wedding and I have no idea.

Please help!

YABU - stop stressing just elope and do what you want
YANBU - your family & friends should be there

OP posts:
Ki0612 · 01/04/2021 16:44

Covid perfect excuse... Registery office asap.

1Morewineplease · 01/04/2021 16:45

Have the Registry wedding and just have your DD and two witnesses.
There's absolutely no point, whatsoever, in inviting parents if they're going to be giving each other daggers. It will spoil your special day.

Family and friends should be behind your decision to keep your savings for your new home for your family.
You don't 'owe' anyone a fancy wedding.

Maybe have a big garden party for your 1st Anniversary?

All good wishes to you.

quizqueen · 01/04/2021 16:52

Get the Archbishop to pop round and do it in your back garden.

Pipsquiggle · 01/04/2021 17:00

Have a registry office service (£50?). Invite who want to be there but then leave for weekend away / holiday. Tell them that's your plan

No need to spend on a 'do' afterwards. Just say you don't have the funds and want to buy a house so are saving.

Sounds like there is a lot of family drama, you would like to think that they could all behave themselves for the service.

Up to you, but if you elope and tell no one, just be prepared for the 'fallout' - you know your family better than us so you will know how they will react

blowinahoolie · 01/04/2021 17:02

Registry office.

Wanderlust20 · 01/04/2021 17:04

Go and get married now and have small, intimate dinners with those close to you when you're able to, as a way to celebrate. Sorry, but your DM/granny will need to get over this! Covid and finances have nixed many a big wedding, it happens. Sure they will be even more understanding when the time comes to tell them about the baby (can you let them in on the secret early, might cushion the blow a bit and again underline why you just want to elope soon?). If they don't understand, they're being unreasonable. Good luck! Eloping was the best thing I ever did Smile

Mylovelyhorsee · 01/04/2021 17:06

Elope. They did their day the way they wanted. You do it your way.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 01/04/2021 17:12

I wanted to elope. We didn’t, for similar reasons to yours. I wish we had. Everyone would have been just as happy with a big party later. People are still expecting us to have one this summer Confused

Elope. Get married, have your baby, celebrate with people later.

Pipsquiggle · 01/04/2021 17:25

If you are worried about parents getting snarky with each other I would say you are totally entitled to say that we want to share the service with the people we love and have a positive atmosphere on the day. If they don't feel they can bite their tongues for an hour or so then please do not attend.

Be clear on your behaviour expectations, particularly if they have form for kicking off.

Then you have invited them and they need to choose their attendance and behaviour.

I would clear off on your holiday after the ceremony though, I wouldn't want a reception where there's so much scope for it to go wrong after a couple of drinks.

Stevearnottsbeard · 01/04/2021 17:26

Registry office with both mums, grandma too if you want, then, either find an outdoor area to have a Bbq or similar so big stress for you and everyone can mingle/avoid others or wait till at least the end of May to hire a church hall or such, and cold buffet or similar, everyone contributes a dish and drink and again everyone can mingle or avoid anyone they wish. I had issues with my mum before my wedding, she and my dad had an acrimonious divorce, every conversion that they ever had ended up in a huge row. She had never met my lovely stepmum and for some reason hated her, even though my dad had met her a couple years after the divorce. She refused to come in the house when I was really ill because she was staying to help look after me and the kids. I ended up telling my mum if she didn't grow up and get over herself she wasn't coming to my wedding. That soon shut her up 😂 would that work?

ExtraOnions · 01/04/2021 17:32

If either set of parents aren’t adult enough to slap a smile on, put the past behind them, and not spoil your big day ... I wouldn’t be inviting them.

You having a nice day should be the thing that is uppermost in their minds, not some feud.

They need to grow up, or not go

diwrnachoflleyn · 01/04/2021 17:34

Book a registry wedding. Tell them whoever wants to come and is permitted to can. And get married.

Smartiepants79 · 01/04/2021 17:37

What would happen if you made it clear that invites to your small, family only wedding are being issued on the understanding that the adults will behave like adults and manage to spend a few hours in each other’s company without arguing? And that if they can’t promise to behave you’re eloping.

LemonRoses · 01/04/2021 17:42

I wouldn’t do a registry office as I’d want a church wedding but I’d have a very small one. I don’t see the point of a big fuss and huge expense after there are already children and baby on the way.
It’s the marriage not the wedding that matters.

TwoBlueFish · 01/04/2021 17:45

I have a big family and step parents, half siblings etc,

We had a mid week registry office wedding with a buffet at a pub and then drinks in our garden, very relaxed. We invited parents, siblings & partners and siblings children. We ended up with about 20 people (6 couldn’t make it) and probably cost no more than £1k. Everyone said what a nice relaxed day it was.

Alternatively my brother had a small registry office with just parents and then had a family/friends party in a church hall a few weeks later.

Dobbyisahouseelf · 01/04/2021 17:47

If I was you I would blame Covid-19 and have a small registry office for you, DF, DD plus your Mum, Gran and DF's Mum and partner if numbers are permitted. Perhaps lunch after, if allowed, and then toast the baby!

Do what you want to do and at the end of the day you can't please everyone. Honestly it took me a long time to realise this.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 01/04/2021 17:50

In my head, I just want to elope, spend minimal money and save the rest for baby and house. I don't feel like I can deal with DPs parents and my parents arguing on the day. However if we elope, DM and grandma will be absolutely devastated and have voiced this

Your various families are not realising that the wedding is about YOU and your DH and DD.If the others don't won't behave you will be stressing yourself out and not enjoying the run up to your wedding so why put yourself through this.
Some pps further up said Covid situation is your friend, and another said take them out seperately for a nice lunch. Elope and promise a party as and when. And congratulations I hope you have a lovely time whatever you decide

Dobbyisahouseelf · 01/04/2021 17:57

Just seen your update. Your DM is trying to guilt you yet she is not mature enough to bite her tongue in the presence of your Dad. Seriously your DM needs to grow up, throw it back on her saying 'how can I get married when you will spoil my day deliberately'. Your DM can't have it both ways and be devastated whilst actively spoiling your wedding day. Divorced parents can be a nightmare sometimes.

harknesswitch · 01/04/2021 17:59

Another vote for a registry office, somewhere that's special to you both, take your dd and get two witnesses when you're there. Save your money for the baby and house

2bazookas · 01/04/2021 18:11

Make an appontment, go down the registry office with two friends as witnesses , and get married Then tell everyone.

Save the 3 k for the house and baby care.

Lollypop701 · 01/04/2021 18:11

Registers office ... just your little family. You can have a wedding/welcome baby party later. ASAP so you can say Covid/want to be married as pregnant. Whatever you do make sure it’s at least a version of what you both want... you will remember this day forever. If a subsequent party goes tits up, it won’t be so bad as you had the wedding you wanted. So less stressful

moanieleminx · 01/04/2021 18:19

Another vote for the registry office, although I would be tempted to just invite the two mums (and not tell them what you were doing, so it was a surprise).

Congrats OP.

notanothertakeaway · 01/04/2021 18:26

I see your original plan was to get married without your daughter present. I think that could cause irreparable damage to her relationship with you

Whatever you do, it will suit some people, but not others

CatherinedeBourgh · 01/04/2021 18:31

Don’t invite anyone. Promise a party later and then fail to arrange it.

Take your mum and grandmother out for a nice meal to celebrate.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/04/2021 18:38

Just pick a friend each then, to come as witnesses.